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Without your love

“If my wife learns I’m with someone else, she will be mean with me during our divorce procedure. And promised she will try to ruin me. She felt threatened because she said that at 50, she would never find someone else”

This is what B. told me this afternoon.

Divorces can turn nasty. That’s for sure. As I said in a previous post, love and hate are never far away. B. underlined two things in his wife’s venom: she’s still in love with him (otherwise, why would she be jealous?) and she tries to culpabilize him.

This argument for me doesn’t mean anything. One of my mom’s friends found love at 56. And one of my friends complains her grand mother has two lovers while she’s single.

But what kind of love are you giving when you try to culpabilize your significant other by saying you will end up alone?

I don’t call this love. I call this selfishness. And you can only manage to do one thing: suffocating the one you love.

Personally, if I was B., I would give her what she wants in the divorce procedure, and accelerate it the maximum so I could have nothing to do with this bitch her anymore. Love is certainly not a prison.

But B. isn’t me, and he’s frightened a lot by her. He really fears she could take all of his money. I guess he didn’t sign a prenup before they got married…. So, as a result, he obeys to every of her orders.

Of course, he did some errors during his marriage. I know that when you call it quits with your long term significant other, you can’t help thinking about what you did wrong in this relationship. And feel guilty about it.

But at this rhythm, I don’t think the divorce would accelerate. Nor even progress. One of my friends told me though that divorce makes the ugly side of people come to light. He’s also in the middle of a nasty divorce, and it was her wife who asked for the divorce, after the conclusion that they couldn’t live with each other without arguing all of time.  He thought the process would be easy, as they both agreed to divorce. Yet, after months of discussions, he had no choice but to take a lawyer, because she wants more and more. And this destroys him.

One of my friends said that a prenup can avoid torments like that. She’s a lawyer, and she saw some tragic situations. That’s why she said it.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The other one

When you date someone who’s not emotionally available, you face the risk of feeling alone despite being in a relationship. And this is not really fun.

People have various reasons not to be emotionally available. Some are just heart broken and turn off their emotions to avoid suffering. Some are just depressed. Some are just simply already involved in another relationship. Or not over their previous one.

When I met J., he told me he was in the middle of his divorce, after twelve years spent with his wife. He warned me that he was going through a difficult divorce. I was expecting him to fight all the time with his ex, as my parents did when they divorced ten years ago. But instead of that, I found out he spent an awful lot of time with his ex. I discovered he was still going out with her in official events. He later tried to justify himself by telling me he received those invitations way before they were separating, and that he had to go with her. He also told me that his ex and he tried to discuss without arguing during the procedure, and that she cried a lot during that. He told me she was sick and was often at the hospital for gastric problems. So, he accompanied her whenever she asked him to the hospital. I discovered he was also helping her running her house, and each time, he would reply it was because she was sick. And told me it was none of my business. Then, one day, he came to see me and ask if we could make a break, because his ex has learned about my existence and threatened to complicate the divorce even more. He also told me she was the love of his life. And to add to that, I discovered he spent a lot of time with his ex’s best friend too, just to figure out why they were divorcing! I left him. And he only came back to me after two weeks for asking me one thing: if I had good memories of our relationship, of him” S., 32, said bitterly.

I was the other one. I knew he was married. But he also told me he didn’t love his wife. He was drowning until I came into his life, he said. We had some very romantic moments, but there was plenty of downsides in this relationship. We had to see each other in secret, I couldn’t present him to my family, only two of my friends knew about his existence. I didn’t meet any of his friends. And whenever I needed him, I wasn’t sure he would be available. He even managed to get stuck at home once, when it was my birthday. And my valentine’s days were often without him. Yes, I did feel alone sometimes. This is why I left him, after five years spent like that. This did win over the wonderful times we had when we were together” I.,36, said.

He was bipolar.When he was not depressed, we had a wonderful time together. No one else could make me feel so special. But each time he was depressed, it was if I didn’t exist anymore into his life. He wouldn’t pay attention to me. It was really difficult to deal with that. I eventually left him because I had enough”O., 36, said.

When you don’t find your place somewhere, you have two options: leave and try to find your place somewhere else. Or stay and suffer, in silence. But no one can stay long in a relationship where we suffer.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Wasting time

When I was in London last week, I had also a chat with an old friend of mine. She told me she dated a married man for three years, and ended the relationship because she had enough of it.

When she met him, he was separated from his wife. But instead of asking for divorce, he got back with her, without telling my friend about it. My friend had no idea what was going on behind her back. He invited her to the restaurant many times, went strolling in a park on sundays and on holidays with him.

The problem was she never met his family nor his friends. My friend was in an open conflict with her family, so she didn’t care at all about this detail. And she believed him when he told her he had no real friends, because he spent his time working. He also told her she was the breath of fresh air in his poor existence.

She didn’t see him that much. He was always busy working or traveling, as he said. And there were a lot of tensions because of that. But he promised to her he would marry her someday and raise kids together.

That was before one night, he called my friend, and told her his wife was threatening him to take all of his money during the divorce procedure. And he asked her to remain unnoticed in his life, so his wife won’t be ever mad at him. And he also told her it would be best for them if they see each other less for a while.

My friend started to notice there was something wrong when he told her he had to help his “ex”-wife for doing the garden, picking her at the airport when she came from a business trip, and helped her with her old mother who was sick. He said his wife was sick too and needed support. Plus, he had to do what she wanted if he didn’t want to lose all his money in the divorce procedure.

My friend thought about leaving him many times, but each time, he would come back and tell her how miserable he was without her.

One thing made her change her mind. He got a flu once, and got stuck at his home. When my friend proposed to him to join him and take care of him, he refused. He said he needed sleep. My friend had a very bad intuition about this, so she decided to go to his place just in case of. And when she arrived, she saw a woman ringing at his door. She hid in the corner, and saw him opening the door and greeting his wife.

She cut all contacts with him the day after.

And told me she would take more notice of some details if she ever finds someone new. Like for instance meeting his friends and family. And not after three years together. Like seeing him more, for doing nothing and everything. She also said that she doesn’t want to waste three years hoping for something that would never come again.

Indeed, life is too short to hold on to simple promises.

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celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Junebug

When I was in London last week, I met one of my former classmates. I told him I learned that two of our old mates had their second child. And he looked at me and said:”our love life seems to be determined by our last year in high school”. He seemed to joke, but I wondered why he looked at me that way when he said that.  As I was a bit embarrassed, I asked him when did he meet his significant other, and he replied it was when he had to study in Italy.

The truth is he and I used to be attached at the hip when we were in high school, especially during the last year. We were not dating, though. But I had a big crush on him. And fourteen years later, among all the classmates I had, he’s the only one I still see today, with the exception of a very good female friend of mine.

My BFF back then wondered all the time what was going on between us. Whenever we were in a party or a bar, or everywhere else, he was always searching for me. We lost each other when we moved out of our town to pursue our studies. And reconnected two years ago thanks to Facebook.

I guess we’re just good friends now. For my part, I’m not in love with him. He’s not sweeping me off my feet anymore. For his part, he’s considering marrying his long-term girlfriend.

But he raised a fair point: among my former classmates, most of them got married together. The two ones I was mentioning earlier didn’t date when they were in high school. They got together four years after we left school. In fact, almost all of my former classmates waited years after school to start a relationship together. There’s only one exception to this rule.

For most of us, high school was a golden period, the last one we know before entering the adults’s world.  I guess nostalgia pushes us to seek for a partner who will remind us of this. But I don’t know if it’s a general rule.

Personally, I would have the impression of going backwards in my life if I picked one of my former classmates. Back then, high school wasn’t a golden period for me at all. I do enjoy more the life I’m living right now than the one I had when I was a teenager.

After all, we all look for someone who will make us secure. It doesn’t matter if our significant other is the smartest, or the most beautiful, or anything else.  Someone of my past won’t make me feel secure. But for some of my classmates, it seems this is the case.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Love and hate, not far away


Why are love and hate never far away? In the Greek mythology, Phaedra decides to kill Hyppolitus after he refused her advances. She’s madly in love with him, can’t sleep and can’t eat, but he has vowed chastity. Therefore, her revenge is as dramatic as her love for him.

The more we love someone, the more we’re about to betray him/her when it’s over or when he/she disappoints us.

The betrayal can take many forms. B., 32, for example, spends her time making her ex jealous. “It’s been going on for eight years now. We broke up, but we have never really broken up. Because we keep on running back to each other and going away because he’s not ready to commit. So, in between, I have taken a lot of lovers, because he’s jealous and  it pisses him off when I see other men”.

C., 44, gave all the questions and answers of her husband’s exam to his students whenever they ask for these. She’s about to get divorced…

T., 35, and her ex were working together and built their own company, but when T. learned he was cheating on her, she kicked him out of the company and managed to get the sole direction of it. And he got no compensation for that, because he let her make the foundation of the company.  He didn’t get her help afterwards to find a new job. And she made sure he got a bad reputation by spreading the words.

I., 37, testimony against her ex-husband to the regulator. She discovered he lied to her about his fidelity, about his job,… So she went through his emails, copied those, stole his files and brought everything to the regulator. Her ex is now convicted for tax evasion and fraud.

U., 36, destroyed his collection of comics when he told her it was over. She had still the key to their apartment, and sneaked into it to sort his comics. She just tore several pages of each of those away. She knew it would devastate him. She couldn’t have hit him harder than that.

Sometimes, what we do for revenge draws a line  between us and our ex-lover. And it’s a point of no return. But sometimes, even after some acts of cruelty, some couples do stay together. And crimes grow between them.

It’s difficult to be rejected by the one we love. Anger, despair, desire are many monsters we have to fight. This cocktail of emotions always makes us react oddly after a breakup like that.

This is why if you disappoint the one who’s in love with you, don’t expect him/her to be nice with you afterwards.

But when you hate too much someone, you won’t find peace in your mind. And you’re still granting this asshole one a place too important in your heart and in your life. This isn’t helping in the process of forgetting about our ex.

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Married for the wrong reasons

Why do we get married? Most of us, in our Western civilization, will answer because of love. But in some cultures, marriage is still seen almost like a financial trade, where the woman is the good to be sold.

I was recently reading this book written by Pascal Bruckner, a French philosopher. It’s true that marrying someone because of love doesn’t guarantee it will last forever. Love is a delicate feeling. It can last forever. But it can also fade away. Based on this two outcomes, marriages based on love have only one chance out of two to be sustainable.

Bruckner said that maybe we expect too much from our marriage. This is why divorces are progressing. And sometimes, our expectations have nothing to do with love. Love is irrational, we have to remember this. It’s also subversive. Some people have never fallen in love and don’t know what this really means. Yet, they can get married. And think they get married because of love, although it is for a different reason.

When I was in high school, some of my female classmates were forbidden by their parents to date whoever they wanted. They were also asked to remain virgin until the day of their wedding.  Their date also had to be approved by their parents, and this meant the date had to come from a wealthy and powerful family.

Twelve years later, some of these girls are married, have children, and depressed. Because their husband have a mistress/ left them/ discovered their homosexuality. And they thought they were in love when they got married…

I met more recently couples who got married only because they make a powerful couple. In this kind of unions,  they just use each other to parade in important events. But some of them don’t last because one of the members of the couple finally fall in love with someone else. Some do. But they only keep appearances. One of them are still married and go to events together. Yet, they do see other people in private.

Frankly, if I had to get married for these reasons, I would rather marry someone who’s dead. Like Chinese women many many years ago.

I’m still believing in marrying for love. And bear the risk it doesn’t work. After all, life is really sad if you haven’t truly fallen in love once.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, wacky, women

Scent of a man

B. says that women leave men because of their poor hygiene. I don’t agree with him. Poor hygiene is associated with other causes which can be the real root of the problem: it can be depression, mental illness, rebellion, middle age crisis,…Poor hygiene in itself isn’t enough to make a woman run away.

At least, not if the romance has been going on for  some time. But this can be disqualifying when it’s the first date. “I had a crush on G. over a long time, but I never got the occasion to talk to him nor to be close to them. Once, we got invited to sky by a common friend, and I got to know him a little bit more. But once I got close to him, I realized he smelt really badly, and my crush for him got shattered really quickly” S., 38, said. “I met U. on the Internet. After months of numerous emails and chats, we decided to meet in persona. He already sent me some recent pictures of him. And he was really handsome on it. But once I had him in front of me, there was something wrong about him: his odor, and not just the feet” P., 34, said.

Biogically speaking, we tend to choose our significant other because of his/her odor. It has to appeal to us. Apparently, we choose so because we want to pick the best partner for reproducing. Yep. But we’re not aware of this. Not completely.

But divorcing someone because of his odor is not something common. First, you would have noticed this detail earlier on. Love can make you blind, but can’t remove your sense of smell. This is simply not possible. Or you were drunk or drugged when you met your significant other.

When I told this to one of my friends, who’s a lawyer specialized in divorce, she laughed. We divorce for many reasons, but that alone isn’t enough.

And this last example alone proves I’m right: when I was a banker, I had this client who was really wealthy, but also really filthy. He had always been liked that. Yet, his wife never divorced him. And she wasn’t filthy at all. Their house used to be divided in two: her side, clean and neat, and his side, full of garbages.

Perhaps B.’s got rejected by this lame excuse in the past. This would explain that.

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