broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Too old to love

Once, I had a conversation with B. about the chances of finding love again when you reach 50 if you’re a woman. He said his ex wife feared she would die alone, since she ‘s older than that and men of her age look for younger women.

Well, it’s true that on dating sites, I’ve been hit many times by men over 45.  And I’m surprised to see how many indicate in their profile their age preference, between 25 and 35. As if women of their age were not that good.

One of my friends says that men like these look for younger chicks because they want to have children. They also pick younger women because they fear getting old.

Fortunately, not every man is like this. And I know women of 50 and 60 who have a more active love life than their female counterparts of 30 and something. When I was in College, I had this teacher who was, at 60, simply stunning. And we knew she had various and younger lovers.

A friend of mine also complained her grandmother has more fun in her life than her, because she has two lovers. One is even ten year younger than her.

The truth is, love makes them beautiful. Some studies have shown that falling in love help us heal faster.

The key is giving love a chance again. It’s not easy when you have a broken heart. And there, if we’re 30 or 50, this is the same difficulty: we will all refuse to jump into a new relationship really quickly.

One reader left on my  blog this little story: Two roads, one crowded, one empty, merge at one crosspoint. if you try to figure out which combination between crowded and empty the road would be by looking back, there’s a good chance you won’t notice the tree in the middle of the road a few miles on.

And remember that at the end of Captain Corelli’s mandolin, Pelagia and the captain get together again, when they’re over 65.

Standard
broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The supermarket of love

So, I decided to subscribe to a dating site again. Of course, in the hope to find love. But something is telling me that it won’t be easy. First, because I’m terrified. I published a profile very specific, mentioning what I expect from the man who will share my life.

I thought this would dissuade many guys, but no. And nobody has yet written me a very personal (and kind) message telling me he relates to who I am. Instead, I get tons of messages from guys who just drop by and see if there is any chance they could score with me. It could be with me, it could be with any other woman.

I bet some just copy/paste their pick up lines in their message. There’s nothing personal in it.

Then, I also found some curious cases too. Like the guy who doesn’t know me but decided I’m selfish and doesn’t hesitate to tell me about it. And when I took a glance at his profile, I just saw he was looking for a woman of maximum 38, while he’s 48. Nice.

There are also the guys (desperate) who describe everything personal in their life, in the hope you will pity them. It just reminds of my old days in College, where you see a young student not very handsome trying with every girl in the room, hoping one will say yes. Usually, he got what he wanted in the last hour of the party. A usually lost and drunken girl would yield to his advances. How nice.

And I also find a guy who complains women never answer to messages. I wonder why…

I did try to make the first step. But here, I got rejected. I realized the guys were only interested in having sex. Curiously, no one is quite honest about this in their profile.  I would prefer some honesty here. It would prevent me from wasting my time.

So, do you have a good experience with dating sites? If so, tell me about it.

 

 

Standard
Uncategorized

A long december

… There are reasons to believe next year will be better than last

So, this is an exercise I’ve been doing every year in the last of december: the end of the year meme!

1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before? Applying for  being the US correspondent of my newspaper. And failed.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I tried to be more honest in my relationship.It was difficult. And my resolution for next year would be even more difficult.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Yes.

4. Did anyone close to you die? No

5. What countries did you visit? Portugal, Germany, France, United States, Great Britain

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010? Mutual love. And peace.

7. What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? April: trip to London, and break up. October: trip to London, and break up

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Taking my life on hands.

9. What was your biggest failure? B. I was foolish to believe he would love me.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Yes.

11. What was the best thing you bought? A comfy sofa, where I can eat my cookies.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? ?

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? the list is too long.

14. Where did most of your money go? clothes

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Going to New York.

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c) richer or poorer?

Sadder. Neither thinner nor fatter. Richer.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

Alone and angry.

21. Did you fall in love in 2010?

Yes.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? Yes.

24. What was the best book you read? The heart Mender

25. What was your greatest musical discovery? Robert Francis.

26. What did you want and get? B.

27. What did you want and not get? A real relationship with B.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?

Crazy Heart

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

Work.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?  

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?

There’s improvement.

32. What kept you sane? My friends and family.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?MJK!

34. What political issue stirred you the most? Oh, my country has been plagued with a huge political crisis. And we’re not yet out of the wood.

35. Who did you miss? B.

36. Who was the best new person you met? H.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010. Always tell the truth when you break up with someone.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment and now you can't get out of it
Don't say that later will be better now you're stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it 


 

Standard
broken heart, celibacy, life, love, rant, relationships, thoughts, women

A bad boyfriend

What is a bad boyfriend?

He’s the one who forgets to buy you a gift for your birthday or who tells you he hasn’t got the time to buy you one because he’s got a lot of work. the same applies for Christmas gifts.

He’s the one who promises you everything, but never accomplishes what he promised.

He’s the one who asks you to go on holiday with you, then change his mind and go alone (as he said) on holiday, to the very same place he and you made plans for.

He’s the one who is jealous you spend time with your friends and doesn’t understand why you don’t pick up your phone when he’s calling because you’re busy listening to your friend who has a real problem.

He’s the one who doesn’t answer his phone when you’re calling

He’s the one who will drop you just like that because his ex needs him.

He doesn’t understand you.

He’s the one who breaks up with you, but can’t maintain a physical distance and still wants to kiss you and have sex with you afterwards, and gets offended if you refuse.

He’s the one who avoids any confrontation with you, and always finds a good excuse to avoid the fight. For instance, fainting. He will also try to change quickly the subject.

He’s the one who puts the blame on you all the time and refuse to admit his mistakes

He’s the one who keeps you in secret, who doesn’t want you to know his friends or his family.

He’s the one who always asks you to come at his place, but never lifts his fingers to cross the town to see you at your place

He cheats on you.

He’s the one who never says he loves you. Or has a hard time admitting he’s in love with you.

He’s the one who wants you just to add to his collection of women.

He’s the one who impregnates you but refuse to recognize his fatherhood and even asks if you cheated on him.

He’s the one who thinks he’s good to you. Which is not true at all.

He’s the one who only thinks about him.

He’s married.

Standard
broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Robbers and cowards

I was reading last week an article about the difference between men and women when it comes to say goodbye. The article basically said that men were all cowards and don’t know how to break up properly. Either they chose a very violent option or they will try to push their future ex to take the decision to end the relationship.

And if they leave themselves, they hardly give a decent explanation for their act. They will also help themselves with another woman.

I was quite surprised to read this, because I must admit I’m not that different from a man when it comes to leave a relationship. And most of my female friends did admit that either they choose a violent way to end the relationship, or they will try to push their future ex to take the decision to leave. Some of them also told me they needed to have another relationship to find the courage to leave their old one. This was also my case, when I left a twelve year relationship seven months ago.

Why are we so coward?

It’s difficult to leave and to call it quits. Unless you realize you were with a true bastard and that he/she just deserves no pity, it’s very hard to say goodbye to someone you loved but you don’t love anymore. You just feel bad, like a monster. It’s very culpabilizing because you know you will hurt your future ex.

But we can’t leave without any explanation. it’s like denying the existence of your future ex. This can destroy him.

My ex needed to know the reasons why I left, and I had a really hard time to tell him the truth. But I did. I was really afraid of his reaction. But we managed to stay friends despite all of this.

Telling him the truth helped him to do the mourning of this relationship. And move on. When I left him, he insisted to know the truth and told me that I owed him that. He was reason.

My ex is 38. He’s much wiser than B., who’s 49, and who is a coward. B. never explained why he wanted to end our relationship. He just said we needed to take a break because his wife was aware of my existence and that he was in trouble for his job. But he didn’t want me to go away. And he’s still very present in my life today. As a  result, I’m still hoping he would change his mind. He hasn’t given me the help I need to do the mourning of this relationship.

I did try to cut all contacts with B. But each time, he would call me and tell me he doesn’t want to lose me. And I’m weak and powerless over him. But I know I can’t go on forever like this.

And for sure, I’m not ready to jump in a new relationship because of all of this confusion.

So, if I can give an advice to all of you, it should be this: always tell the truth when you leave someone.

Standard
broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Coming back

Recently, I went to see an old friend of mine who lives abroad. She asked me to meet her at her parents’s house. Her parents divorced seven years ago, and I was surprised to hear they got back together.

Among my friends, she’s not the only one whose parents got back together after they divorced many years ago. When I left high school, one of my friends was devastated because he learned his parents were divorcing. Ten years later, they decided to reignite their flame, without telling my friend about it. He lives abroad too, so it wasn’t difficult for them to hide their affair. Until he discovered it when he came back in our country without telling them about it.

Both of my friends’parents divorced because one cheated on the other. Each time, the father left for another woman. And years later, he came back miserable. In both case, they got back together after a tragic event. My friend n°1 lost her newborn two days after she was born and went into a severe depression after that. My friend n°2 had his sister really sick. She needed to be hospitalized for several weeks to cure her disease. These tragic events forced their parents to see each other very often. But I guess nostalgia played an important role too.

When you spend ten, twenty, thirty years with the same person, the memories you have with him/her can be numerous. Plus, he/she knows you thoroughly after all these years. This thought can be comforting, especially in hard times. And these bonds are hard to erase. These will always remain.

One of my friends says we all have doubts about getting back with our ex. She told me this once as we were speaking about the man I love, who’s separated from his wife. She said that against her, I have a heavy disadvantage: she knows him better than me.  She warned me he could hesitate and think about getting back with her.  And I know she wouldn’t mind about his return. In fact, she’s not accepting their separation. So, my friend makes a point here.

But every story is different, and I also know long term couples who split and never come back together. Simply because they found happiness and a new equilibrium elsewhere. Those who come back do so because they didn’t find happiness and realized they made a mistake by leaving. We can make mistake like that.

Besides, coming back to your ex doesn’t guarantee you will spend the rest of your life with him/her. “I left him for another man who asked me to follow him to Canada. But after six months there, I felt really alone and I realized I didn’t get along so well with my man. So, I packed my bag and return to my ex. He was relieved I came back to him. But for my part, the feeling wasn’t there anymore. One year after we got back together, we decided to split. This time, we both agree we should call it quits, not because he or I found someone else. We ended it just because it was the end of our story, the end of our journey together” A.,42, said.

My ex and I got back together once. He had enough of his girlfriend and I was lonely at that time. But when we got back together, I suddenly remembered all of his bad habits and realized he didn’t change at all since we called it quits seven years ago. And I also met someone else, someone I really liked. So, I decided to leave him for good to live my life with the man I love, the one who really makes me happy”P., 40, said.

Like I said, every story is different. Some ex lovers will go back together and stay together on the long run. Some will but won’t make it till the end. Some will never go back together.

Standard
broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Coming second best

When you apply to a competition, and end up second instead of first, this is disappointing. Of  course, this place is better than finishing last of the competition. But yet, you regret you didn’t make it to the top.

When it comes to love, it’s not a competition. Yet, there are situations where we don’t like to finish second or last. Because there’s only one place we want to occupy: the place of our significant other’s heart. And it’s all or nothing. There is no in-between.

So, when the one you love suddenly tells you he just wants to be friend, or tells you he  fell in love with someone else and that she might be the one, it’s difficult not to feel disappointed. This is how you end up with a broken heart.

This is exactly how I feel right now. The man I love asked me to be just his friend. Just his friend.

This is a pill bitter to swallow. And I know that it’s not possible to develop a genuine friendship with him. Not after what we went through. I would be too resentful and frustrated by this. And I know I couldn’t bear seeing him with another woman.

It’s simply not possible to switch from love to friendship just like that. It’s like being downgraded. And here, friendship is something like a small consolation.

One of my friends told me it’s simply impossible to be friends with the one you really love once it’s over.Because somewhere in your heart, it’s never over. And you will always wish he/she has a change of heart.

She’s been in love with the same man for eight years now. And she told me she tried everything to forget about him. But she simply can’t. She dated other men, cut all contacts with him several times, tried to make him jealous, tried to be just friend with him. But it never worked. “I simply can’t get him out of my mind. I think he’s the one” she said.  But the one she loves is just simply too afraid to commit to her. Yet, he can’t let her go.

She said she can’t be just friend with him. That’s impossible.

 

 

Standard