celibacy, dating site, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Tell me

One of my friends says that if the first date you have with someone stops when the cafe/restaurant closes its door, it’s a good sign for your relationship. Yet, my recent experience proved this theory isn’t right.

In fact, none of my friend’s relationships that started like this on the first date ended in the right way. Each time, the guy found someone else and got married. And my friend is still single.

One of my dates ended up like that. But when I think about it now, I’m just mortified to what I said to him on that night. I should have left him after two hours, instead of spending five almost six hours with him. I gave him too much informations about me, on the first date.

Of course, he asked me a lot of questions. But I was also foolish to reply.

To be fair, I didn’t know what to expect from this date. I canceled our first date because I wasn’t sure at all about the guy. So, I went to our second date, the official first,  like I would have gone to meet a friend, not a potential significant other. And as a result , he treated me like his buddy, but not like the woman of his dream.

In the “Rules”, there is one rule that says: Don’t open up to quickly. The authors recommend to avoid saying intimate things about you on the first three dates. The key is to remain mysterious.

There was also something curious about telling too many details of your past relationships to your date. It can leave him sexually aroused.

This was doomed from the beginning.

broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

A rebound relationship

Last week, one of my online dates told me he needed to have a rebound relationship to get his life together again. He got dumped by his long-term girlfriend six months ago. And dated another woman for 4 months.

He realized this was a rebound relationship because “she didn’t even know what was WikiLeaks“.  He told me he needs a woman who can talk with him about politics, economy,… And not just someone who’s obsessed with shopping.

He added that we’re not really ourselves when we’re in a rebound relationship. That’s why it is called rebound.

How do we know we’re in a rebound relationship? Well, a rebound relationship happens shortly after a breakup. It can even start when your previous relationship is not over yet. Usually, we pick the guy who’s the complete opposite of our ex, or just someone who’s simply completely different from us. Hence the “WikiLeaks incident”.

I’m not saying that this kind of relationship are all ill-fated. One of my friends met her man while she was still with another one. Her previous relationship was a disaster and she didn’t know how to end it. She needed him to have the courage to leave. And five years later, they are still together. But their relationship started because they found out they had a common point: they met on the train while they were both reading War and Peace. A not so common read…

But there’s something to think about when you’re in a rebound relationship. What if, during this time, you meet your perfect match? The odds are quite limited, but it can happen.

broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, reflexion, thoughts, women

Stay (faraway, so close)

Stay. Four simple letters that can turn a desperate situation into a promising one. This is how the relationship of one of my friends started, after a disastrous start.

A first date is never easy. Either you hesitate a lot and say stupid things if you really like the person who’s in front of you. Or you try to impress him/her. But often, this doesn’t work.

Plus, lying on your first date is stupid. If you want to pursue a relationship afterward, you’ve got to be honest. But the truth has sometimes nothing sexy.

In my friend’s case, her date with her now husband was awkward. He invited her to the restaurant (what an idea for a first date…). And there, everything went wrong. My friend ate something she couldn’t eat. He spilled his soup all over his suit. So, he offered her to go back to his place just nearby just to give her some meds for her sickness and take the occasion to change his outfits.

Their conversation was disastrous. They were both shy and didn’t know what to say to each other. After two glasses of wine, the tension went down, but this was when she ate something wrong and he spilled the soup.

At his apartment, after he changed and she took her pill, she decided it was enough. She told me she felt miserable at that moment, because she really liked him, but she thought it was hopeless. When she was about to leave, he just told her to stay a little bit longer. Much to her surprise. And then, the conversation changed, and the relationship started.

Stay is a powerful word. It just shows how much you care about the person. On the contrary, when a person tells you to leave, it shows how little you care about the person.

B. for instance never told me to stay. He never opposed to my decisions about finding another man, going far away from him. He just said he didn’t want to imprison me. Yet, he said he loved me. I guess this is love with no string attached. This is not something for me.

celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Only fools rush in

I fall in love too easily. And everytime, I think the guy is the one” said one of my friends. “I married twice. And each time, I thought I had found the one” admitted B. recently.

Maybe both of them never really found the one. But who is the one?

The one, for me, is the one we can still love after years spent together, after all the mystery’s gone, the one we created a indestructible bond with. And I don’t believe we meet this person quite often in our life.

Usually, only time will tell if your significant other is really the one. In my friend’s case, none of her ex really stayed into her life for long.

It’s easy to get carried away by love. But when we fall in love, this is not rational at all. Our heart can go to the right or to the left many times in our life. So, this is temporary. We can even fall in love with the wrong person. Many times. When I asked my friend if her ex treated her the right way, she said no. Then, it’s not the one.

I believe the one is someone who can really understand you. This is extremely difficult, because each of us have our own personality, scars, flaws, habits.

I don’t believe you will know straight away you’re in front of the right one either. It can happen, though. One of my acquaintances once said she knew straight away she found the one in the man she just met. Their first date went really really well. They missed the last bus to their way home because they couldn’t stop talking and laughing with each other. And the next morning, they spent the whole day together again. And the next day also. After this one, they decided they had to move in together, and got married six months after. So far, they are still together. And it’s been 8 years now.

But around me, most of the people I know told me that either they made a mistake by thinking their significant other was the one, or they found the one after many years spent apart. After all, this is a difficult quest. It’s like winning at the lottery.

How can we be sure that the one is really the one, given that there’s always more beautiful, intelligent, caring, … people in the world?

Only the long run will tell. Through the good and the bad times, the one will be at our side.

broken heart, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

After the war

This morning, I was reading an article about the making of the film “La conquête“, which describes Nicolas Sarkozy’s path to presidency. Sarkozy owes his victory to his ex-wife, Cecilia, who, like the article said, didn’t want to reap the success of her efforts.

Back then, in a last passive-agressive behavior against her then husband, she admitted in a newspaper that she didn’t see herself as a first lady. A few weeks later, she left him.

Carla Bruni took her place as the first lady of France, and in Nicolas Sarkozy’s heart. But for Bruni, the crown has something bitter about it.

It’s difficult to come after someone who had such an influence on the one you love. It’s the stiffest competition you can ever encounter in love. It’s like landing in a field after the war, and dealing with what’s left to do. It’s not a pleasant role at all.

Not only  you can fear that the ex would change his/her mind and come back, but also, you start with a heavy handicap against him/her: you don’t know the one you love as much as she/he does.

Carla Bruni seems to understand that better than anyone. That’s why I have a huge admiration for her. She’s much clever than the pretty face she is. So far, she has tried to solve every problem in her husband’s personal life. This includes his estranged father, his first and second ex-wife, and his family.  But I don’t know if this is enough. She’s a fighter, though.

The key is to find your place in this complex scheme.

celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

A long quest

One of my friends found his match on dating sites after one year and a half of subscription and a series of bad dates. When I turned to him to explain him my bitterness over my recent disastrous date with a guy I met online, he said to me to be patient.

You will only appreciate your match more when you find him” he said. Maybe he’s right. When you visit the museum of horrors several times, you’re just happy to see daylight even more.

Most of the people I know who met their match online told me they had several bad dates, with sometimes weirdos, before meeting their significant other.

The thing is, when you meet someone online, and you really like to chat with him/her, things can really be different once you meet the person for real. Because online, it’s easy to lie. Easier than when you meet the person for real.

For instance, some people lie about their profile. They try to show their best side, sometimes with the help of heavy lies. And these never pass the test of the first encounter.

Yesterday, when I went to my first date online, I got served with a guy like that. He lied about his height. He didn’t look at all like the picture he put on his profile. And he said he enjoyed life in his profile, while he spent his time bashing his job in front of me and said horrible things about the city where I grew up. Everything was disappointing. And I didn’t feel at ease at all with him.

This is something you can never catch online, unfortunately.

But my bad date had a point: you can have a general idea about the person you meet online just by looking at his/her profile.

For instance, there is one guy who keeps on sending me emails for the moment asking me to meet him for real. We have barely exchanged emails so far, but he’s willing to meet me. On his profile, he described himself as a true hottie (to be fair, he has a great picture) and he said he’s looking for a true hottie.  He didn’t bother to fulfill all the criteria of his profile. I bet the guy is just good-looking but empty-headed.  I can only imagine a date with him could be boring to the maximum, because he has probably nothing to say to me except that I’m beautiful.

Yeah, I’m mean with the guys I meet online. But before accepting a date, I try to check if the guy is able to stand a decent conversation with me.

This is going to be a long quest to find my match online.

broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

A precious gift

Among the rules, there’s one that says: he’s got to offer you a romantic gift for your birthday.

Yesterday, I was talking with one of my friends about this, and she didn’t believe me at all. Her ex’s never offered her a romantic gift and she doesn’t see the point of this. Yet, I think it just showed they weren’t that into her. After all, a gift is a testimony of affection for the person you offer it.

And if you put all your heart into finding the gift that will please the one you love, it just shows how much you care about him/her. But sometimes, people just don’t realize this.

For example, when I was with B., I offered him a lot of things. I didn’t feel force to do this. For me, it was natural. But B. didn’t see this the same way. He never offered me a gift for my birthday. He just invited me to the restaurant and promised he will buy me something later, because he didn’t have the time.

I should have left him after that. But I couldn’t.

The gift says it all about the state of a relationship, or even about the state of a friendship. But people have different ways to give gift. For instance, one of my friends isn’t the type to offer me a gift for Christmas or my birthday, but she offered me gifts just like that, without any reason, because it’s her.  And she was such a great girl when B. told me it was over. She was just there for me. This is the most precious gift a friend can give you.

As for the one you love, the most precious gift isn’t necessarily the most expensive either. It’s just something that comes from the heart. That’s what matters.

What’s the point if he gives you a diamond ring if it’s his personal assistant who picked it for him?  What’s the point of a romantic getaway if he only picked the destination he likes, and not yours (and also, if he takes some work with him)? What’s the point of inviting you to the restaurant, even the most expensive one, if he also does that with his friends and contacts?

I guess the gifts you receive (or not) from the one you love says it all about how much he/she loves you back.

So, yes, this rule is a good rule.

blogging, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Too difficult

It’s been two weeks I’ve been on dating sites, and so far, I haven’t got any good result. I’m about to meet tomorrow a guy I chatted one day with. But I’m really afraid because this has gone too quickly for my taste. Maybe tomorrow, I won’t go. I’m  afraid I won’t like the guy.

For the second, now that I think about it, maybe he’s simply not interested at all. I was the one who sent him an email. I thought he and I had many common points. But it turned out he didn’t bother to leave me long emails, just short ones. And he seemed more interested by my career as a journalist than for who I am. He’s not curious about me, apart from that.

The other emails I received are either from guys who want to get laid, or from guys who looked like they are single like forever. Those are really nice, but they sound a bit desperate, and frankly, this doesn’t appeal to me at all. And most of them are way too old/ too ugly/too short/ too dumb/ have an open conflict with grammar and writing.

I know that I’m difficult. But online dating just leaves me cold. It lacks an important thing: human interaction. Personally, I can’t fall in love with just an image and a profile, and some emails.

Love takes time to develop. I don’t believe in love at first sight.

broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Online dating, a hoax?

There was an article, really interesting, about online dating in this week’s Economist. It points out that those sites were once only for the geeks in lack of love, but now have spread to mainstream population. It has become the number three way to find love, behind introduction of friends and encounters in bars/restaurant.

Many years ago, people would be shy to admit they met online. But now, mentality has evolved. Among my friends, some have found their match online and are not ashamed to admit it.

So, is it the best way to find love?

It is commonly said that birds of a feather flock together. Those websites have matchmaking engines which put you in front of people of the same interests than you. But this alone doesn’t guarantee you will find love.

A friend of mine found a perfect match online. But when she met her match for real, the spark wasn’t simply there. Instead, she found in him a great friend. Her match did found the one online, though, three years later. And he’s married now.

Love is irrational. That’s why we can fall in love with people who are our complete opposite.

On the website  I subscribed, I already met two guys I really like and I’m about to meet. The first one carries with him a big project, which could easily match with mine. But I’m afraid I won’t find any chemistry between us when I meet him. That’s the trickiest part.

The second one is more like me. But I’m afraid he won’t be attracted to me.

These things are simply out of our control. When you meet someone online, you just have his/her picture and that’s it. You could probably hate his/her voice, his/her smell or get simply disappointed by reality because he/she doesn’t look that good for real.

This is something online dating can never monitor.

Like said a psychiatrist on a TV show I recently saw, everything starts again, from scratch, when you meet the people you fancy online for real. This is why it is important to meet the one you fancy really quickly. This will avoid a huge disappointment when you see him/her for real.

Besides, there’s a line between what we say and what we are. On internet, we can easily give an image of the person we would like to be. While in real life, it’s more difficult, because our body language can betray us. And we can also slip the truth behind the lies in our conversation. It’s difficult to lie when we are in front of someone else. Usually, we can’t look the other in the eyes when we lie. On the internet, we don’t have this problem.

So, I don’t think online dating is the best way to find love. It’s a way, like another one.