broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, sex, thoughts, women

Post break-up sex

… to help you forget your ex…

When it’s over, each of us has various reactions, depending on who’s in the receiving end of the break-up. Some of us try to desperately convince the one who left us to come back. Some of us will cut immediately all contacts with their ex. Some of us will try to start a friendship, or at least, a civilized relationship with their ex. But sooner or later, we would have to enter a mourning period for our failed relationship.

Again, we don’t react the same way in a mourning period. Some of us will stay at home, cry, comfort ourselves with food for a while. Some of us will compensate by doing something else. Some of us will try the rebound relationship. A friend of mine has her personal recipe: she runs back to her ex, who’s her fuck buddy. She told me it has become a ritual between them each time she get dumped by a guy.”This makes me feel better. And It helps me forgetting my ex” she said.

But as a result, she’s still seeing her ex and this isn’t helping her very much to find the right one. I told her several times that if she knows she would end up in bed with her ex whenever it goes wrong with another guy, this doesn’t encourage her to find a relationship that works.

Besides, what if her ex decides to stop having sex with her?

Another of my acquaintances told me she needed to have sex after a break up so she can comfort herself about her power of seduction. She added she picked random strangers in bars to do so. I replied to her that not only, this is dangerous. Plus, if she wants to test her power of seduction, she doesn’t need to go all the way down…

But the worst according to me is to have sex with the one who broke your heart. Some of us accept this situation because they fear they will lose the one they love. Not only, they take the risk of losing the one they love, but also they can’t reverse the situation and can have their heart broken for good if the one they love decides to move on.

We can have sex for many reasons. But having sex to keep someone into our life or make us feel good isn’t a great idea. On the moment, it can be great, but then, the landing can make us feel awful.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Nothing stranger

…than to love someone

If your ex offers you to find you someone else when it’s just over, would you accept this? Personally, I wouldn’t. This is too awkward. It’s a way to say: “let’s remain friends” but also a way to say: “it will never work between you and me”.

Besides, when you get dumped, this proposition can be hard to stomach. Because in your heart, you still like him/her very much, and you know that it’s him/her, and no one else. And if you don’t like him/her, you don’t want to hear from him/her afterward. So, if he/she picks a man/woman for you, chances are he/she will remain in your life.

A friend of mine told me that six months ago, her ex broke up with her, but offered her to find someone else for her as she was crying. She said it wasn’t appropriate at all to say that to her at the time. And added it was really weird. Besides, when she did find someone else two months later, her ex became jealous and wanted her back. “So, I doubt he would have really looked for someone else for me” she said.

A proper break-up needs some distance. It’s best for you both if you remain far away from him/her, especially if he/she’s the one who called it quits. Otherwise, it will break your heart again when he/she moves on, and you’ll be tempted to want him/her back, with the chances to be rejected again.

Plus, jumping into a new relationship straight away when it’s over isn’t such a good idea. Remember, rebound relationships rarely works. And it can leave you even worse than you were before that if it doesn’t work.

So, if he/she offers you to find someone else for you, maybe it’s just a way for him/her to feel less guilty about leaving you. It’s like asking you to remain friends, asking you to have still some control over your life.

Only time and the help of your friends and family can help you to mend your broken heart. It’s not up to your ex to take care of your broken heart. He/she broke it into pieces, remember.

Among all the stories I hear from my friends, neither of them ended really well because their ex remained into their life if there’s no good reason for it. And even if you have children together, this doesn’t mean you have to be the best buddies ever.

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celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

No sense at all

Olfaction. Some of us have this smell over developed. Some of us have it under developed.

Some of my friends told me they can disqualify a potential lover just because of his/her odor. How many times have I heard:”Oh, he’s handsome, but I hate his smell“?

This criteria alone isn’t enough to find the right person. Otherwise, it can lead to some awkward combination. For example, if I picked only a guy just by his smell, I would have clung to the biggest psycho I’ve ever met. So, no, this alone isn’t enough…

But for sure, this criteria is important. Would you live with someone who smells badly? Most people would answer negatively…

When you fall in love, the sense of smell is really important. It acts as a reminder of the one we love. Just by smelling one of his/her clothes reminds you of him/her. A friend of mine always takes her boyfriend’s shirt with her while she’s traveling so she can smell his odor.

Besides, the smell of his/her body can have a healing effect too. A friend of mine confessed that whenever he feels down, he just smells his wife’s hair, and this helps him to feel immediately better.

So, for the people who don’t have a sense of smell, loving someone can really be complicated. Love isn’t just an intellectual connection. It’s a bond made out of several things, including a physical attraction. Love cannot last for long without this too.

Odors can be quite exciting. It’s helpful in the bond you create with the one you love. Without these, it’s difficult to create such a bond. This is probably why those whose sense of smell are under developed are often depressed and have some troubles getting sexually excited.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The easy way out

In my country, laws were adapted in 2007 to simplify the divorce procedure.  Before, it could take up to 5 years just to wait for getting divorced. Now, this lasts only 6 months in the worst case. If both parties agree on getting divorced and on the terms of the procedure (the financial aspects and the kids), it can even go quicker.

Some say that this increases the number of divorces we see in our country. Maybe they’re right. Before, the cost of divorcing was really high and could discourage some couples to do so.

This also shows that marriage isn’t a security like before. But women aren’t housewives and don’t depend on their husband anymore. I guess our independence balances this evolution.

Yet, people still believe in marriage. It is still a social norm. Besides, we still bear the pressure of our family, although mine never pressured me to get married.

Why do we marry? And why do we divorce?

Some of my married friends told me because it was obvious to get married. “We just knew we would end up getting old together. She’s the only one who can truly understand me. And I know her like nobody else. We went separated once for four months because she had to work in another country. This is when we realized we were nothing without each other” explained one of my friends. Both of them share a common passion for photography, and since I know them, I’ve never seen them apart for long.

Another friend of mine told me she realized he was the one, and so did he, only after almost fifteen years. “We used to date when we were young. But both of us wanted to try other relationships. We remained friends instead. During those fifteen years, men and women came and went into our life. We both had our heart broken several times, but each time, we were there for each other. The last time I had my heart broken, he offered me to stay at his place until I found an apartment. I stayed four months at his place, and we lived almost like a couple, until I left. Three months after I moved out, he came to my place and asked to marry him.It was obvious for us we were meant for each other, even if we didn’t know about it straight away” she said.

Among the friends who divorced, most of them told me they knew way before they would divorce. “He never had ambitions from the start. He was lazy and unable to keep a job because of that. I thought he would change over time. But he never did. And it started to weigh on me. I was even repelled by him at the end of our relationship. I guess I should have known this from the start” said  one my friends.

On the day of my wedding, I didn’t feel like it was the most beautiful day of my life. I was just touched by the fact everyone gathered around me for this special event, which was all about me. We didn’t have much in common, except that we both loved dancing. This is how we met. But he wasn’t like me. He wasn’t into art and literature, while I’m not into sport cars at all. And these were our passions” another one said.

When I met him, he was absolutely charming, but he was also very fond of alcohol. We couldn’t get somewhere without having him consuming at least one glass of whiskey and several of wine. His problem got worse over time. And I was so scared for our children that I wanted to get divorced” another one said.

As cruel as it may sound, it’s important to be selective when you pick your long-term partner. Picking someone who’s never affectionate with you isn’t a great idea: he/she will never change.

We never change. It’s delusional to think we can change other people just by loving them.

So, it’s best to prevent than to heal a relationship that’s not working.

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broken heart, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Lost in love

When you love someone, it’s hard to see him/her turning into a fool because of somebody else.

Recently, I was speaking with my friends about the friends and relatives we know who are stuck in  a bad romance. One of my friends is sorry for her uncle, who ran back to his ex-wife despite her misfits. They tried to get divorced, but during the divorce procedure, she tried to set their son against him and even convinced him to call the police to pretend he’s been sexually harassed by him. My friend’s uncle went to jail because of that. Three days later, his son had remorses and told the truth. His father was released. And now, he’s back with his ex. “He’s got her under his skin” my friend says. “But I’m not sure this is really love. It looks like a dependency” she says.

This is called codependence.

Another friend of mine watches his best friend making a fool of himself with the mother of their children. “She has already left him twice for another man. But each time, she comes back in his life, and he’s unable to say no to her. Each time she left, he went into a severe depression. And if she leaves him again, I’m afraid he would do something stupid. She’s not nice at all with him. She’s mean with him. She borrows him a lot of money constantly, even if they are not together” he said.

How do we know we’re codependent? Usually, we are warned by our friends and family who are worried for us. There are also other symptoms linked to codependence, like alcohol or substance abuse, lack of interests, suicidal tendencies,…

And this is certainly not love.

Stephan Poulter, in his book “your ex-factor“, explains that we pick our partner according to the parent we are in the most conflict. We usually try to solve our unresolved problems with our partner. And this behavior would only lead to a failure, said Poulter.

Love makes us do silly things.But these silly things are: crossing oceans to be with the one we love, writing touching poems, letters, songs for the one we love, think about him/her and feel happy as an idiot, and feel beautiful on the inside. It’s not: putting our personality completely aside, obeying to his/her orders and feel awful and alone in our relationship.

Love is a light feeling and is fragile. Of course, when it’s gone, it can leave us with a broken heart. But if your heart is broken before the love is gone, maybe this isn’t a good sign.

 

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life, love, men, relationships, sex, thoughts, wacky, women

The best I’ve ever had

Last week, I went to hear Boris Cyrulnik. He was there to speak about his latest book, on shame. But at the end of his lecture, he mentioned an old story about women in the 13th century who basically looked after a man’s fingers before his brain. And by fingers, he also meant the one down below the hand…

This reminded me of a previous conversation I had with a friend of mine, who said she could forgive anything to the one who gives her the best sex she’s ever had. She said that only a man who knows her well can give her the best sex. Maybe she’s right.

Most of my male friends don’t agree with this, on the other hand. They all replied that it depends on what the other did.

But it’s true that female pleasure is much more complicated than the male one. Everything happens in the brain first in a woman. So, basically, if I reverse what my friend said, I would say that it’s impossible for the one who gives us the best sex we’ve ever had to do something unforgivable to us. Because we wouldn’t have some pleasure with someone we don’t trust.

Among my acquaintances, there’s one girl who married the one who gives her the best sex she’s ever had. They slept on the first night together and began a very torrid relationship where they barely spoke to each other. They knew each other a little bit before that because they worked in the same company, although they exchanged very few words. She told me she was a bit intimated by him because he was really handsome. Plus, he had a string of lovers in the company. So, when he proposed to her to drink a coffee, she accepted. Five minutes later, they were at it. After two months of rough sex, “the best she’s ever had” she said, she learned she had to go back to her native town because her aunt passed away. When she returned home, she didn’t have the heart to have sex again with him. But instead of turning his back on her, he took her to the sea side just to breathe some fresh air. And there, they discovered they had many common points.

Besides, what defines the best sex you’ve ever had? When I asked my female friends about this, they all admit that it goes a little bit beyond than just sex. “It’s how he treats you as a lover” replied one of them. “It’s how he makes me feel like a woman” another one said. This just means that we have to be treated the right way in the bedroom.

It’s not just a question of performance, duration, size,… So, in a way, it’s really difficult to find the one who will give us the best sex we’ve ever had. It’s really difficult to find the one, at all.

Maybe those women in  the 13th century were right…

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