In my country, laws were adapted in 2007 to simplify the divorce procedure. Before, it could take up to 5 years just to wait for getting divorced. Now, this lasts only 6 months in the worst case. If both parties agree on getting divorced and on the terms of the procedure (the financial aspects and the kids), it can even go quicker.
Some say that this increases the number of divorces we see in our country. Maybe they’re right. Before, the cost of divorcing was really high and could discourage some couples to do so.
This also shows that marriage isn’t a security like before. But women aren’t housewives and don’t depend on their husband anymore. I guess our independence balances this evolution.
Yet, people still believe in marriage. It is still a social norm. Besides, we still bear the pressure of our family, although mine never pressured me to get married.
Why do we marry? And why do we divorce?
Some of my married friends told me because it was obvious to get married. “We just knew we would end up getting old together. She’s the only one who can truly understand me. And I know her like nobody else. We went separated once for four months because she had to work in another country. This is when we realized we were nothing without each other” explained one of my friends. Both of them share a common passion for photography, and since I know them, I’ve never seen them apart for long.
Another friend of mine told me she realized he was the one, and so did he, only after almost fifteen years. “We used to date when we were young. But both of us wanted to try other relationships. We remained friends instead. During those fifteen years, men and women came and went into our life. We both had our heart broken several times, but each time, we were there for each other. The last time I had my heart broken, he offered me to stay at his place until I found an apartment. I stayed four months at his place, and we lived almost like a couple, until I left. Three months after I moved out, he came to my place and asked to marry him.It was obvious for us we were meant for each other, even if we didn’t know about it straight away” she said.
Among the friends who divorced, most of them told me they knew way before they would divorce. “He never had ambitions from the start. He was lazy and unable to keep a job because of that. I thought he would change over time. But he never did. And it started to weigh on me. I was even repelled by him at the end of our relationship. I guess I should have known this from the start” said one my friends.
“On the day of my wedding, I didn’t feel like it was the most beautiful day of my life. I was just touched by the fact everyone gathered around me for this special event, which was all about me. We didn’t have much in common, except that we both loved dancing. This is how we met. But he wasn’t like me. He wasn’t into art and literature, while I’m not into sport cars at all. And these were our passions” another one said.
“When I met him, he was absolutely charming, but he was also very fond of alcohol. We couldn’t get somewhere without having him consuming at least one glass of whiskey and several of wine. His problem got worse over time. And I was so scared for our children that I wanted to get divorced” another one said.
As cruel as it may sound, it’s important to be selective when you pick your long-term partner. Picking someone who’s never affectionate with you isn’t a great idea: he/she will never change.
We never change. It’s delusional to think we can change other people just by loving them.
So, it’s best to prevent than to heal a relationship that’s not working.