broken heart, celibacy, life, love, relationships, thoughts, women

When the morning hunts you down

The morning after offers us sometimes awkward situations. If you had a drunken night with a guy and then end up in bed with him, the next morning, you could wake up and wonder who’s lying beside you.

This is why some people leave after sex or during the night, to avoid the morning confrontation.

This is also why some people refuse to let the one they had sex with stay over.

For those who haven’t got this extreme problem of intimacy, the morning after can still be a big deal.  We can be nervous, stressed, or just not at ease at all. This is true for the first night you spend together. Afterwards, usually, we get to know each other a little bit better.

The first night we spend together is quite an experience. Depending on how long we waited for it, it can offer us a lot of surprises.

When I spent the first night with S., we didn’t know each other really well before that. We were just attracted to each other. We had only three dates before this moment, and those dates were really short in time. When he arrived at my place, he looked very disoriented. He arrived late, 45 minutes after, and apologized for it. He didn’t know what to say to me and was really embarrassed. But instead of inspecting my place, he just started to kiss me over and over again. We quickly switched to my bedroom and when we did finish our business, it was too late in the night for him to go back home. So, he asked if he could stay with me, like a little boy. He didn’t bring anything with him, no toothbrush, nothing for him. During the night, I don’t know why, I felt the need to hold his hand. I didn’t sleep well that night. I thought he would run away early in the morning while I was sleeping. But he didn’t. We woke up but he stayed in bed. I took my shower, got dressed, and then prepared my breakfast. He dressed up and joined me. Before leaving, he just pulled me against the wall and undressed me. I arrived very late at my work because of that” recalls H.,34.

Nothing prepared me for the night we would spend together. He arrived at my place with food and flowers, without knowing I was allergic to the latter. He offered me to cook me a dinner. But it turned out he was a terrible cook. He burned everything and almost started a fire. To add to that, he cut his fingers, and we had to call my neighbor, who’s an MD, to fix this. I was expected a torrid night. He was so tired after all these events that he fell asleep in my couch. The next morning, he was really embarrassed and told me he was sorry to suck this bad. And left me” P., 36, explained.

Oh, it was terrible. He couldn’t get an erection because he was too stressed. In the morning, he ran away while I was taking my shower. I didn’t hear about him afterwards” I., 38, said about a terrible one-night stand.

So, is the first night that terrible?

broken heart, celibacy, life, love, relationships, thoughts, women

Never let me go

In the opera Hanjo, Hanako is patiently waiting for her lover, Yoshio, to come back from war safe and sound. The waiting turns her into madness, and she slowly becomes the shadow of herself. The memory of her lover is so imprinted in her mind that the day he eventually comes back, she’s unable to recognize him. She calls him a skeleton, and makes him go away.

Does it mean it’s never worth it to wait for someone for too long? Probably. Life is full of unexpected events, good or bad. And it’s better to be the actor of your life rather than letting life deciding for you what it should be. Of course, this implies to take the risk of failing at what we do. But if we don’t try anything, there’s not much happening in our life.

Life is too short to sit and wait for something to happen. Despite love needing time to develop, love is also a collective movement involving two people, as says Francesco Alberoni in “falling in love“. Love needs action.

broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, sex, thoughts, women

Colder than the winter

Sex as a barometer of love? When I hear the stories around me about this topic, I realize that indeed, sex is really important. A friend of mine told me that prior to his divorce, he didn’t have sex with his wife over a year. They were fighting constantly and had severe trouble communicating with each other. There were also loads of  passive-aggressive behaviors between them. For instance, she gave away all his questions for his exams to his students. And he told me he needed to go on holidays alone, without her.

Another acquaintance told me she has trouble too in her sex life. It’s been seven months now her man refuses to touch her. They had a lot of fights too before he began to take his distance with her. And the fights were all about his lack of ambition. I guess her man felt diminished by her. It’s going to be hard to reverse this situation, I’m afraid.

What we say to each other can cause a lot of psychological damages hard to reverse. Apologizing afterwards is useless. For example, if you criticize him repeatedly about his looks, his performance in bed, his career, … this can really emasculate him. Besides, this is not the sign of a healthy relationship.

But what if there are already problems in the bedroom from the start?

P. was never really into it when it comes to sex. He was really sweet with me, but sex wasn’t that great. The first night we spent together, we talked and talked until we fell asleep. The second night, he was so stressed that after 5 minutes, it was already over. The next one, he needed to have several drinks to get into it. And so on” G., 32, said. She called it quits after eight months.

He needed to drink, to take stuffs, to watch porn, to light candles,… to have sex. Otherwise, he would fall asleep or play on his computer late in the night. He wasn’t that sensual” H., 36, recalls. Her ex is now living with a man.

If sex isn’t important for you, this shouldn’t be a problem. But maybe it’s worthwhile  to check if there’s nothing wrong in the bedroom.

broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, sex, thoughts, women

A porn world

Wherever you go on Internet, it’s easy now to get directed to a porn site. And when you search explicitly for porn, you don’t have to search that far. I was reading an article on slate about how porn become more and more watched among young men. And I can’t help wondering the impact of this in a couple.

A friend of mine told me that she once met online a guy absolutely charming. But when she met him for the first time, she had the unpleasant surprise to come and pick him at his place, while he was watching porn. “I‘m not naive, I know that men do watch porn, but did he have to watch this while he knew I was about to arrive at his place?” she said. So, she cut immediately all contacts with him afterwards.

No woman is naive about this either. But we have various reactions to this. A friend of mine made a deal with her man: either they watch porn together, or he don’t watch it at all. She said so far, this has worked. But I can’t help wondering if her man is really honest with her about this.

Another one said she just let him watch, without her. “It’s his secret garden” she shrugged. She doesn’t want to know, see or hear anything about this. But she sometimes admitted that she wondered if she’s enough for him, since she knows he sees a lot of women in those videos.

Some women can get jealous of porn videos, even if it’s stupid. Some imagine they’re in competition with all of the women seen on these, and try to imitate them. This would explain why women shave their vagina like porn stars. And why some of them use and abuse of cosmetic surgery, to look like a porn star.

I don’t know if communication helps to solve this problem. Men are often not proud to speak about this topic at all. So, it can be awkward.

In a world where we can get informations as quickly as we want, it’s easy to get into a routine with video like that. But I think it’s important to draw a line with love. Love and sex are two different things. And love never comes quickly, unlike sex.