broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Avoid the rebound

Recently, a friend of mine told me he’s not sure he made the right choice. He left his wife and kids for one of his co-workers two years ago, and is now realizing that his new love interest isn’t exactly the one. He’s also wondering if he didn’t make a mistake leaving his wife, who has now moved on.

Leaving your significant other for someone else can be really difficult to manage. Generally, we don’t leave our significant other just like that. Most of us leave because they have enough, and some of us fall into the trap of finding another person to love immediately after the breakup, so that they avoid being alone with their guilt. Some of us also do so because we fear we would never find someone else.

Like I said in a previous post, we’re not really ourselves when we’re in a rebound relationship.  We just avoid the moment we will face our broken heart, even if we’re the one who leaves the relationship. So, we can pick a person who’s not necessarily the right person for us. And this is temporary. There is no other way.

So, when I read a lot of stories about women complaining their man changed suddenly after months of passionate courtship, maybe these lack the bigger picture: they were just the rebound girl. This is typical: at the beginning of a rebound relationship, the man will promise you everything very quickly. This is not a good sign at all. Then, all of a sudden, he will stop calling you, stop being nice with you, and eventually told you he wants to end the relationship. And we don’t understand why.

Most of dating books will tell you to avoid speaking about ex’s while dating. But this is a very precious information to avoid being let down months later. We don’t have necessarily to ask the ex questions. Sometimes, it just pops up in the conversation. For example, one of my online dates told me he spent New Year Eve with his ex, among a group of friends. I just asked him what he did on that day, and it came in the conversation. After that, he admitted, without my pressure, that she left him for another man three months ago. And I realized she was still very much in the picture. She ended of course a long term relationship. And he was looking to fill the void she left.

Some men even mention this on their online profile: they look for someone who will mend their broken heart.

Only someone who’s also looking for a rebound relationship can stand this kind of ill-fated relationship. Because eventually, he or she will come to his/her sense and wonder why they started dating this person. The pill is easier to swallow if you live the same situation. Yet, it can be bitter.

For those who really look for a long term relationship, unfortunately, people on the rebound are not a great option.

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The player

“I have weak points: women, money and my religion” said Dominique Strauss-Kahn, the IMF president who is currently accused of sexual assault. This was months before he got arrested.

In France, there’s a huge debate going on right now on him. People wonder here if DSK has been trapped, if this whole story is just made up so he would be eliminated for the run on presidency in France. It’s difficult to say if this is true or not. The justice will do its job, and we will know in the future what really happened.

But DSK’s personality is very shadowy. He’s known to be a ladykiller. One of my friends, who had him for teacher, recalls that he tried to seduce one of her friends, in front of her and her friend’s boyfriend at the time. “Nothing could stop him. He’s just a big seducer” she said. And he also looked for younger women…

Some men are just big seducers, players in other words. They are only interested in having as many (beautiful) women as they can, sometimes, they even try to get their love, and then switch to another one. Their goal is to seduce. They are not looking for a long-term relationship.

One of my friends’ex is a big player. “He has a heavy turnover of women. For the moment, he’s seeing five different women at the same time” she said. When they were together, my friend didn’t know he was a big seducer. Until one day, she found him at a party hugging and kissing another girl. Who claimed she got engaged. With him. My friend was about to marry him.

“I was very much a part of his life for 5 years. His mom loved me and all of his friends told me he should marry me. Then, when I learned this, my whole world collapsed. I decide to move to another town and cut all contacts with him. I didn’t hear about him for months, until one night, I was in a bar with a friend of mine, and a guy started to shout at me because I turned him down. He didn’t want to leave and kept on insulting me, until a man came to him and asked him to calm down. That man was my ex. He happened to be in my town because of his cousin, who lived there. I didn’t know about that. I was a bit shaken after this. So, he proposed to stay with me and offered me to bring me back home. He apologized for what he did, and told me he missed me a lot. He also said he wanted me to remain his friend, if I wanted. And this is how we became friends. I date other guys, he dates other women. That’s it” she said.

Unless you’re a player too, dating a player would never satisfy you.

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celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, sex, thoughts, wacky, women

Post sex behaviors

It is said that women love to cuddle after sex, while men don’t. This is the result of the hormone we release after sex: the oxytocin. Men, on the other hand, release an hormone called prolactin, which makes them sleep or a bit numb for sometime.

This results in one scenario: the woman will get emotionally attached to her sexual partner, while he will feel nothing.

Well, maybe this is a general rule, but my two last experiences thought me that men can create a bond with their sexual partner, a protective one.

Once they have slept with a woman, men mark their territory. It’s not obvious just after sex, but it’s in their reaction afterwards. For instance, try this: go and have a lunch with your ex and see how he reacts. In practice, he will act very differently than your male friends, especially if you were the last woman he slept with. At the restaurant, he wouldn’t hesitate to eat in your plate if you don’t finish it. He would look jealous if the waiter flirts openly with you, and after the restaurant, he would offer to accompany you to your car/place just in case, and watch your steps when you walk (for instance, they will insist to walk on the side of the road to protect you).

He may feel nothing after sex, but his attraction for you doesn’t necessarily vanish afterwards.

Recently, I went to a barbecue where one of my friends invited everyone she knew. This included M., her coworker, and G., a male friend, who were constantly not very far from her during the barbecue, until they left. My friend had always denied she was sleeping with M. But she told me she did cross the line several times with G. “everytime she felt lonely“. When I was speaking to her, they could hear our conversation, and each  time she replied, they smiled, as if they remembered something she said.

I’m not sure women react the same way. But it’s true that our body has its own memory. And this is how you can feel a little strange kissing another guy or sleeping with him.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The left behind

When you’re unemployed, the chances you have to find someone if you’re single reduce significantly. People in general will immediately judge you on this criteria, because this screams you’re a loser, unfortunately.

When I met S., he told me he was a student. At 42. He got fired three years ago and never got back to work, despite having many diplomas. He doesn’t need to work, though. He has inherited several buildings in our town which he rents, and this gives him enough to live by his own means. This doesn’t force him to get back to work. But it also gives a terrible image of himself. Lazy. Spoiled. Immature. He told me he didn’t want to contribute anymore to the fortune of a big company. Well, if this is the case, he should stop consuming then. Everything you consume brings profits to the brand you chose. Or he should start to cultivate what he needs to live, and buy his clothes in second hand shops. Which is not necessarily his case.

But S. is privileged. Some other people who lose their job don’t own their house and haven’t got other revenue than their wage. In this case, it’s even worse to try to find someone. Nobody wants to know you. If you go to a date and say you’re unemployed, this doesn’t sound sexy to the ear of anyone, unfortunately. Dating is like applying for a job: you try to put your qualities on the table to seduce the one you’re dating. So, being unemployed is like a major handicap.

Of course, we can lie about our condition, in the hope our lie would end if we find a job rapidly.  But if it’s not the case, and the other finds out about this, it will be difficult to justify this.

One of my friends dated for four months a man who was unemployed. She knew he wasn’t working. He was very honest with her. But they share a passion for poetry, so she decided to give it a go. During those four months, her relationship wasn’t that great. She was constantly running after him. She had to come at his place, across the town. He never offered her any gift. She told me she was jealous of her other girlfriends whose boyfriends showered them with little gifts all of the time. She also said she had the impression of mothering him.

Besides, at the risk of sounding old fashioned, when you will present your date to your friends and family, especially the family, the welcome can be cold. Your mother or your father will inevitably ask, in front of him or directly to you, if he plans to find a job soon. Parents and people who love you worry about you and will fear you’re not with the right person. And if you’re wealthy, they will also fear that your significant other is with you for the money.

Of course, life can be a bitch and let you be let go while you’re dating someone. This is never a great period for your couple either. But some take this as a chance.

T. got fired two months before I was. We decided to enjoy our sudden freedom. We both worked like crazy before, and barely saw each other during the week. On the weekends, he had to catch up his latest files, and I had always a tons of things to do. We decided to do something we always wanted, but never had the time to do so. We went to an ashram in India, then took a tour of the country. After eight months of such a trip, we realized we should start our own business together. And so far, this works. And we have managed to rekindle our romance, which was lost” O., 39, said.

I guess the key in this is not to let yourself defeated.

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Getting your ex back

Is it possible to get your ex back? Well, it really depends on how it ended. And of course, it depends on how you want him back into your life.

We can break up with him because we’re angry at what he had done or not. And once the anger disappears, it can happen that we start to regret him and want him back. But it’s tricky in this situation, because you pushed him away. The only thing to do is to apologize, and remain his friend. If he can forgive you and accept to keep you in his life, there may be a chance for him to come back into your life. But if he told you to get lost, then, don’t waste your time. It’s hopeless.

He can break up with you because he feels he’s not good enough for you. If you spent your time criticizing him, this is understandable. But if after the break up, he can’t stay away from you and want to stay your friend, maybe there’s a chance he will come back. But this decision belongs to him. And you can’t force him to come back. If it happens, it happens. Maybe you focused too much on what you hoped in a relationship. Instead, it’s better to build your own social life, without him. You will only appreciate his company more if he comes back. But don’t hang on to him.

He can break up with you because he’s in love with his ex. And she wins him back. This is hopeless. You should move on. If you break up with him because he can’t stop talking about his ex and always compares you to her, the same applies.

He can break up with you because he’s had enough of you and wants to meet other women. It’s hopeless too. Move on.

He can break up with you because he found someone else. There’s nothing much you can do here. Move on.

In any case, it’s important to pull back and take time away from him to figure out why it ended. You can simply realize you don’t need him in your life, and forget about him.

By taking your distance, not only it allows you to avoid yielding to impulsive emotions and making a fool of yourself by begging him to come back, but it also helps you to understand what went wrong. You would only know if you truly miss him after sometime, or if you’re just fine without him.

And after months of zero communication (no SMS, no emails, no calls, no pokes on Facebook,…), if you want to come back, then do so. But it’s best to keep it formal. I read in several publications that it’s best to call him and say that you thought about him because of a recent incident in your life, that you only wanted to know if he’s doing ok, and invite him to follow up with his news sometime. One call, that’s it. If he doesn’t call back, then, it’s lost.

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Far too kind

Recently, one of my friends told me he’s devastated by his recent divorce. But he said they stayed too long together, and that his ex-wife should have left him six years ago instead of now, when he had an affair and his lover got pregnant. She decided to keep the child, and my friend told me that if his ex didn’t push him to know this kid, he would never have fulfilled his role as a father.

My friend’s relationship with his daughter is difficult. She’s never happy to see him, he said. He’s spoiling her with presents, but she’s never satisfied. And he told me he feels more and more distant with her over time. When she will be older, she will certainly be resentful against her mom for deciding to keep her despite my ex’s opposition. But the damage is done, and we can’t turn back time.

My friend said that his ex chose to stay with him albeit he cheated on her and had a kid with another woman, while his ex couldn’t conceive a child anymore. He asked me if I would have stayed in a situation like this. And the truth is, I’m not sure I could forgive this. He said this because his ex told him she stayed in their marriage because of the child. His ex feared his child would have been hurt if she didn’t intervene.

Well, his child  has a mother, her own one. And her mom  has a comfortable situation as a lawyer in a high profile company. One of my other friends told me she was raised by her single mom, and that her mom didn’t have much help when she was young. Yet, for all the money in the world, she told me she wouldn’t want a father. “I had loving grand parents. And I knew my biological father, but nobody tried to impose me his presence, and I didn’t want him to be a part of my life. I knew that my mom and he didn’t get along because he wasn’t nice with her. And he was certainly not a good father. He was always M.I.A.” she said. I asked her if she was mad at her mom for deciding to keep her. And she replied negatively. “I have the most amazing mom in the world, who did a great job raising me on her own. I’m not sure this would have been easy if she hooked up with my biological dad who would have made her unhappy” she said.

Most of the women I know who stay in a bad marriage admit they do this for their kids. But what kind of example are they giving them? “When I was married with S., we started to fight regularly when our second child was born. I didn’t know what to do until one day, my eldest daughter started to scream at me and told me I was mad. Just like her father. This was clear to me: I couldn’t bring my children in an environment full of hate. I had to divorce“F., 34, said.  “There was no love between my parents. They barely spoke to each other and tried to be nice in front of us. But we weren’t that naive. I think my mom should have divorced and raised us on her own, instead of staying in this destructive relationship“P., 37, said.

So, my friend’s story only shows one thing: his ex tried to make  him feel guilty a lot. She was afraid of losing him. But love isn’t about keeping someone. This is called imprisoning. No wonder he wanted to get out of this.

We cannot force the one we love to stay with us.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

With a little help from your friends

Recently, one of my friends posted on Facebook new pictures of her. Those were taken by her friend, a famous photographer, and the result was stunning. She simply looks beautiful on it. And very happy.

When I asked her why she did those pictures, she smiled and said this was a sweet revenge on her ex. He left her four months ago because he said she wasn’t positive enough for him (BTW, she’s one of the most positive people of my circle of friends, so this is BS). Since then, we all advised her to cut all contacts with him. She didn’t call him at all. She didn’t get in touch with him by email, nor by SMS. But she just kept him among her Facebook friends.

She wasn’t very active on Facebook on these last four months. She told me she had a hard time looking at her wall and see news from her ex. So, she decided not to connect to FB until she’s over him. Instead, she spent her time going out with her friends and going to the swimming pool.

She said she felt she was ready to come back to Facebook two weeks ago, and used her pictures to indicate she was back on.

I just hope for her her ex would notice these pictures and start to regret her.

But anyway, she did the right thing so far. Instead of crying herself out and begging him to change his mind, she took her life on hand.

I read everywhere that if you want to get your ex back, this is the best way to do so. Cut all contacts for a while, and then come back, but not like an elephant in a porcelain shop. Facebook is probably one of the best ways to come back into an ex’s life. Especially if you don’t belong to the same circle of friends than your ex. Like my friend did, you can leave some nice pictures of you, of your latest holidays, or of the great nights out you have with your friends. Anything that suggests your social life is full. And inviting…

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