broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Dealing with the other one

Three months ago, when I broke up with S., I had to go to a conference given by a famous psychiatrist where S. was supposed to be there. When I arrived there, S. was sitting on a chair, chatting with a woman who seemed to know him well. Instead of going to him and say hello, I just ignored him and searched for my place in the room. When the conference was over, I just left the room and didn’t try to get in touch with S.

When I told this story to my friends, they all looked at me with horror and said I should have gone and said hello to him. I replied I was totally pissed off that day, and God knows what could I have said to him and his whore  female “friend” on that moment. It was the day after our break up, and  I was mad at him for many reasons. There was no way I could have kept my calm in front of him.

But my friends told me at the time that this wasn’t the best strategy. “The best way in this situation is to go and say hello, and be friendly with his friend. It’s a test” one of my friends said. “You just say hi, be nice, and then go away, it’s not a big deal” she said. “And if you did so, you may turn the situation to your advantage. By running away, he would just think you’re too emotive, too immature. If you stay, and control your emotions, he would think the other way” she added.

Another friend of mine explained that when she met her husband, there was a third party involved. “He told me it was over with his ex, but it was complicated. And he didn’t want her to learn about us, so he asked me to keep it mum about our relationship. One of his friends threw a party for his birthday and she was supposed to be there. So, I decided to go anyway, and chatted the whole night with all of his friends, without taking notice about him. I was just following his instruction not to show that we were together… At midnight, he kissed me in front of everyone. And this is when our relationship really started” she said. “Of course, inside of me, at the beginning of the night, I would have slapped that bitch. But I’m sure I wouldn’t be married now” she added.

And they all agreed on one thing: never ever say anything bad about his ex or his new conquest. Curiously, with B., it was something I’ve never done. I never criticized his ex whenever he complained about her. I know their story, and I can’t help feeling a bit of empathy for her. She, on the other hand, hasn’t been nice to me. But I have nothing to win in going into a war with her.

We all hate the drama. How embarrassed would you be if your significant other starts to insult your ex or every friend of the opposite sex you have? This is the sign of jealousy and possessiveness. Not a sign of a healthy relationship.

broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Nasty break up

Break ups can turn sour between two people who loved each other once. Especially if one member of the ex-couple left for somebody else. Around me, most of of my friends who left for someone else had to go through a really nasty break up with their ex. One of them battled with her ex for the house they used to share. She fought a lot to get her things back. But her ex wanted to take his revenge on her for leaving him. There were fights on the phone, fights in front of the notary, in front of everyone,… As a result, my friend became a bit neurotic and got angry every time her phone rang. Because she knew it was her ex calling. And her new relationship was really hard because of that.

Another one got the unpleasant surprise of finding the locks of their apartment changed one day after telling to her ex it was over. All of her belongings were still in there, and she had to ask him to come and pick her stuffs. On the D-Day, everything was just thrown in dirtbags, and she realized some of it was broken. Intentionally.  When she confronted her ex about this, he just replied it was an accident. She also realized her emails were hacked. And her ex denied the responsibility of this, of course.  He even told her she was making all this things up.

I realized most of my friends who went under a difficult break up like her didn’t try to communicate properly with their ex, but just yielded to their emotions. It’s difficult not to understand this, because no one likes to be treated like that and harassed. When you leave for someone else, you feel guilty about leaving your ex. Even if you don’t admit it.  And it’s hard not to remain composed when your ex constantly reminds you of what he has done for you, and if he tells you you’re a really bad person.In other words, if he tries to culpabilize you. Reacting in this kind of situation will only make things worse. And none of you will really start the difficult process of mourning, that follows every failed relationship.

There’s only one way to stop this infernal fight with your ex: telling him how you feel about this, without minimizing his pain. But that doesn’t mean recognizing you’re a bad person, agreeing with him. Just tell him how you feel. That you’re hurt too, and very sorry for him. In the case of an abusive ex, like the one who hacked my friend’s computer, it’s also best to limit all contacts with him, and prevent him to hurt you again.

celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The long run

In the long run, can hopeless relationships become hopeful? The answer can be yes or no. Love can take time to develop between two people. And I truly believe this bond is more genuine than falling in love head over heels right away for someone else. Why? Because in the long run, we’re supposed to know the one we love better. When you fall in love with a total stranger, you can get ahead of a lot of disappointments once passion is gone. You can realize you fell in love with the wrong person, despite the many warnings of your friends and family.

Many of my friends who are married told me they wore their significant other down. Few knew their significant other was the one when they first met him/her. And the ones who knew went through a period of on and off and plenty of doubts about the future of their relationships.  So, in a sense, they also did wear their significant other down. Even if they knew they would someday end up getting married.

Some couples never survive the long run, though. Look at the adamant growing numbers of divorces in every western country.  Some people do get together for the wrong reasons, and can realize they were not made for each other. Life can also separate us. We can change over time. “When I met F., I just lost my father. I was 18 at the time, and he just came into my life, offering me love and protection. I didn’t realize at the time we were completely different. I also didn’t realize that he was too protective with me. I had a low self-esteem, and I didn’t see that. He was just my rock, my anchor, when I needed comfort. But when I started working, and I had my first kid, I slowly became more confident. We started to fight all of the time at that point, maybe because he realized I didn’t need him anymore. We finally got divorced after our second child was born. And everytime I see him now, I wonder how come I could have fallen in love with F.” said one of my friend. The long run didn’t do anything to help their relationship. That’s it.

But for another one of my friends, the long run did help. “When I met J., he was involved in another relationship. And kept on running back and forth to her, even if we started dating. All my friends were worried about me, saying he was making a fool out of me. I eventually left him. And started dating other men. I didn’t hear much about him for a while. I had one relationship that lasted one year, another one that lasted two years after that, and no news from J.Until one day, where my dad needed a new works foreman. And hired him. J. called me then and asked if we could hang out together sometime. But I was determined to make it hard for him. So I invited him to parties where I flirted heavily with other men, in front of him. I wanted him to beg me to come back. But he didn’t say anything. Until one night, where he was drunk, and told me he loved me and needed me in his life. I started to be more present in his life after that. I also needed a place until I found another apartment, because my previous one got sold and I got kicked out. He offered me to stay at his place. And we slowly got together” she said. “I know now he’s the one for me, even if it wasn’t obvious at the beginning” she added.

Another one had also a complicated love story with her now husband. “He was a friend of mine, and I didn’t find him particularly attractive. When I got divorced,  he offered me to stay at his place until I found my own one. And curiously, the fact that we lived together brought us closer. I realized he was attractive after all after seeing him almost naked while he got out of the bathroom. And he also watched my very oddly. Once, after a party, we slept together. The best sex I ever had. In fact, he’s the best lover I have ever had. After a few months of relationships, I moved out. But he asked me to come back at his apartment. And I did. But I slowly started to get annoyed by him. I couldn’t stand his behaviors. He wasn’t mean, no at all. But there was something in his voice, in his smile, that kept on getting on my nerves. So I left him. I had several lovers afterward, but none of them could compare to him. He was also dating someone else. But we got back together. I realized I couldn’t live without him” she said.

In this world where time is running fast and everything has to be done quickly, love seems to be the only thing that needs time. Only fools rush in.

broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The promised land

On internet, you can find a lot of sites advising you on your love life. But most of them ask you to pay for a book giving you all the tricks to seduce, winning your ex back, forget about your ex,… And these all boil down to one thing: how to manipulate the one you fancy.

Because let’s be honest, these advices are most of them temporary, and won’t work 100% of the time. Why? Simply because the one you fancy doesn’t really care about you. Some couples do get back together after a separation. But afterward, this union can go belly up again. Because what was wrong in the relationship didn’t change over time. So what’s the point of wasting your time and energy to win your ex back or seducing someone who will never yield to your advance?

It’s hard to get rejected. If you were the one at the receiving end of the break up, the emotions you face after getting rejected can make you crawl at the feet of the one who left you. It just gives him/her a power of attraction on you, because hey, we all want the things we can’t have. A friend of mine, who got dumped ten years ago by  a woman during their holidays with their friends, told me he never forgot about her because she rejected him in a very violent way (she told me he wasn’t good enough for her). Ten years later, my friend met her again at a seminar where he was the chairman, and he told me he slept with her to take his revenge on her, and then dumped her.

Reversing the situation to your advantage is difficult in that situation. If the one you love rejected you for a reason, you’d better know why rather than starting to elaborate plans to win him/her back. Because if she/he left you because you were a cheater/ player/ drugged/ violent or just simply boring/ didn’t pay enough attention to him/her, the one you love may recall every bad moment he/she had with you, and this will prevent him/her to come back to you (it’s called common sense).And if you were only his/her rebound person, there’s also very little chance that he/she will change his/her mind about you. The same goes if the one you love loves someone else.

You can try to change yourself and force you to be someone else to try to win the one you love back, but you won’t fool anyone for long.

So, instead of wasting you time reading tons of books promising you to seduce someone/ win your ex back… Maybe it’s worth focusing on yourself, or on people who really need your time and energy. Of course,  it’s important to take care of yourself and not letting yourself go. Because, like we say in French “On n’attrape pas les mouches avec du vinaigre”. It’s also important to have a social life. Because you never know what will happen. You could meet a really great person while you’re out with your friends. A really great person, who’s interested in you, who shares some common points with you, and with whom you spend a lot of great time. Unlike with your ex.

It’s comforting to go back to the past, to the things we know,which were not necessarily good  for us. But the future holds its promises too.

broken heart, celibacy, dating site, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Dates that suck, dates that kill

What makes a great date? Out of the ten dates I had so far, only two had stood out. Why? because the guy truly made an effort for me. When I met S., I wasn’t sure at all I would like him. I even canceled our first date because I didn’t feel it. But instead of giving up, S. pursued me and invited me to a seminar with Milan Kundera. He knew I love this writer Unfortunately, I had a big meeting for my job that day, and I couldn’t come. But I offered him instead to go and have a drink.

On our first date, he let me choose the cafe. But it was too noisy, and we decided to go to the cafe nearby. Before leaving, he offered me to look at the exhibition inside. There were pictures of people with a description of what they wanted to do when they will grow up. S. simply asked me what I wanted to do when I was I kid, and I told him I wanted to be a journalist. I asked him the same question, and he laughed, saying he would like to sculpt wood. Then, we switched to another place, where I let him choose. And we ended up at one of his favorite places, where I fell immediately in love: it was a place where travelers meet. And we talked and talked about everything and nothing until the end of the night.

I had also another fantastic date with B. For our first date, he let me choose between a restaurant and a walk. I chose the walk. He told me to meet him in the park nearby my place. It was raining on that day, but we decided to walk anyway. The park was desert and it was a bit magical there. And we just talked and talked. B made an effort to be with me.

The other dates I had were just boring.Why ? Because the guy didn’t make a particular effort for me. One told me to meet him at a cafe nearby his gym class. Another one told me to meet him at a cafe near his apartment. Another one  was just too nervous and even yell at me at some point (!). Another one told me to meet him at a bar near his workplace, and so on and so on.

I’m not saying that if he makes an effort to see you, you will immediately fall head over heels for him. But that helps a lot to feel wanted.  I had a date where the guy offered me to pick me in the hallway of my apartment. But afterward, he became really bossy with me and told me things like “women come and go in his life” and “I never dated a woman for more than a year“.

This is just a good starting point. But it has to start somewhere.

broken heart, celibacy, dating site, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The test of reality

If we had met in a bar, would you have picked me?” asked one of my online dates. This is the kind of surprise you can get with online dating. Once you have the person you chatted with on internet face to face, your enthusiasm can quickly disappear. This doesn’t happen when you meet someone at a bar, a cafe, a nightclub, the supermarket,…

Why? Simply because we have the real thing straightforward in front of us in real life. On internet, it’s easy to lie about our looks. In reality, it’s not. Plus, let’s be honest: in real life, most of the online guys you meet would never dare to come and speak to you.  Or they will wait until you’re drunk to make their move.  Like a famous line in a movie well known in my country, “you never know, on a misunderstanding, it could work“…

Yet, what we put online reflects what we are. It’s amazing to read the profile of the men on dating sites. Some are hard to decipher. Some are not. For instance, I found a man who looks for “a woman who’s pretty hot”, and that’s it. It’s crystal clear that he’s just looking for a woman to bang. There were also men who put in their profile they were searching for a woman who’s “not afraid of renovating a house” and who” loves DIY”. And men who look for the woman who will help them mending their broken heart. This is a warning: you could be his rebound.

Some aren’t obvious. S., for instance, said in his profile he was looking for a woman who will accompany him abroad, because he planned to leave our country to go back to Africa. When I met him for the first time, I quickly understood  he wasn’t sure at all about his decision. I also learned later that he wasn’t over his ex, who quickly found another man after their breakup. I suspected he planned this to get over her, to foresee a better future without her.  He was just a guy who looked for a rebound in disguise…

There are also narcissistic men. They will put all their achievements in their profile (it could be their earnings, real estate, circle of friends, …). If they hit on you on internet, they will only talk about themselves and ask no questions about you.

And then, there are the liars. S. lied about his age (he said he was 38, while he’s 42). C. said he knew tons of journalists (I checked among them, and it was false). M. lied about his height (the guy was shorter than me)… I don’t understand this. When they will meet their catch for real, their lie will become obvious.

Internet gives you a hint of the person you will meet. Sometime, men will confirm what you expected from them. Sometime, they will disappoint you. But this is why it’s important to meet really quickly the men you meet online (and that you fancy, that goes without saying).