celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The long run

In the long run, can hopeless relationships become hopeful? The answer can be yes or no. Love can take time to develop between two people. And I truly believe this bond is more genuine than falling in love head over heels right away for someone else. Why? Because in the long run, we’re supposed to know the one we love better. When you fall in love with a total stranger, you can get ahead of a lot of disappointments once passion is gone. You can realize you fell in love with the wrong person, despite the many warnings of your friends and family.

Many of my friends who are married told me they wore their significant other down. Few knew their significant other was the one when they first met him/her. And the ones who knew went through a period of on and off and plenty of doubts about the future of their relationships.  So, in a sense, they also did wear their significant other down. Even if they knew they would someday end up getting married.

Some couples never survive the long run, though. Look at the adamant growing numbers of divorces in every western country.  Some people do get together for the wrong reasons, and can realize they were not made for each other. Life can also separate us. We can change over time. “When I met F., I just lost my father. I was 18 at the time, and he just came into my life, offering me love and protection. I didn’t realize at the time we were completely different. I also didn’t realize that he was too protective with me. I had a low self-esteem, and I didn’t see that. He was just my rock, my anchor, when I needed comfort. But when I started working, and I had my first kid, I slowly became more confident. We started to fight all of the time at that point, maybe because he realized I didn’t need him anymore. We finally got divorced after our second child was born. And everytime I see him now, I wonder how come I could have fallen in love with F.” said one of my friend. The long run didn’t do anything to help their relationship. That’s it.

But for another one of my friends, the long run did help. “When I met J., he was involved in another relationship. And kept on running back and forth to her, even if we started dating. All my friends were worried about me, saying he was making a fool out of me. I eventually left him. And started dating other men. I didn’t hear much about him for a while. I had one relationship that lasted one year, another one that lasted two years after that, and no news from J.Until one day, where my dad needed a new works foreman. And hired him. J. called me then and asked if we could hang out together sometime. But I was determined to make it hard for him. So I invited him to parties where I flirted heavily with other men, in front of him. I wanted him to beg me to come back. But he didn’t say anything. Until one night, where he was drunk, and told me he loved me and needed me in his life. I started to be more present in his life after that. I also needed a place until I found another apartment, because my previous one got sold and I got kicked out. He offered me to stay at his place. And we slowly got together” she said. “I know now he’s the one for me, even if it wasn’t obvious at the beginning” she added.

Another one had also a complicated love story with her now husband. “He was a friend of mine, and I didn’t find him particularly attractive. When I got divorced,  he offered me to stay at his place until I found my own one. And curiously, the fact that we lived together brought us closer. I realized he was attractive after all after seeing him almost naked while he got out of the bathroom. And he also watched my very oddly. Once, after a party, we slept together. The best sex I ever had. In fact, he’s the best lover I have ever had. After a few months of relationships, I moved out. But he asked me to come back at his apartment. And I did. But I slowly started to get annoyed by him. I couldn’t stand his behaviors. He wasn’t mean, no at all. But there was something in his voice, in his smile, that kept on getting on my nerves. So I left him. I had several lovers afterward, but none of them could compare to him. He was also dating someone else. But we got back together. I realized I couldn’t live without him” she said.

In this world where time is running fast and everything has to be done quickly, love seems to be the only thing that needs time. Only fools rush in.


6 thoughts on “The long run

  1. I’m glad you concluded that love needs time. Many people marry while in the heat of passion, but marriage often quickly cools that passion down to friendship, if you’re lucky, and disappointment if you’re not so lucky. I’ve heard many women say that the man they thought they were marrying is NOT the man they got.

    Once he gets his woman, and no longer needs to court her, many men revert to their true nature (walking around the house in their underwear, belching, etc.)

    So it takes time to see if the two of you can develop a friendship that can last the rest of your life. And it’s possible this won’t become obvious for several years.

    So I strongly encourage couples who aren’t sure about their marriage to give it the longest possible time. The one exception to this is when there is spousal abuse–that’s a different story–get out as quick as you can.

    But for most couples, if you find after 10 or more years of marriage that you neither love nor like your spouse, and are just plain unhappy, I urge you to try everything you can to change the dynamics of your marriage and see if you can resurrect the positive aspects that first drew you together.

    If nothing works, and you end up deciding to divorce, PLEASE don’t just run to a divorce attorney without any information or understanding of what you’re getting into. This is a recipe for disaster.

    Before retaining a divorce attorney, take some time to understand the divorce process, and learn the difference between using an attorney and retaining one.

    I have spent the past 40 years teaching couples about these things, and know for a fact that there are several things you can do to make the best of a bad situation.

    I sincerely hope you will be able to save your marriage, and never need this information, but if you decide on divorce, I hope you won’t make the same mistakes so many other people have due to ignorance.

  2. Hi Ed,
    If it’s possible to rekindle the relationship, it’s important to try it to avoid the divorce. But it’s important to remind ourselves why we fell in love/ what attracted us in the first place in the person who shares our life.

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