Break ups can be difficult. And some of us can’t do this properly. Last night, I was talking with a friend of mine about ex’s, and she said she had some cases of unfinished business. She’s about to go on holiday with her ex alone, and told me that she’s unable to date someone without him getting jealous.”And I’m as jealous as him” she said. She admitted she wants to get back with him. But so far, every time she tried, he pushed her away. Yet, he can’t let her go.
She cut all contacts with him several times, but each time, he would come back and beg her to come back. Yet, he hasn’t been able to offer her what she needs: a real relationship. And my friend is fed up with this. “I don’t understand. My other ex’s don’t have such a difficult relationship with me. I’m just friends with some of them, and it’s not ambiguous at all. But with him, it’s like we’re a couple, except that we’re not” she said.
Why can’t we break up for good with some people?
“When G. told me it was over, I was devastated. I told him I didn’t want to have anything to do with him anymore. But he begged me not to forget about him, and insisted to remain friends. I tried to cut all contacts with him. But after one week, he came at my place and hugged me. He said nothing, but started to kiss me. And I couldn’t resist to him” O.,, 34, said. “After that, he started to call me whenever he wanted to have sex with me. But he also promised me a lot of things, like going to a restaurant, to the movies, on holidays together,… But we weren’t officially back together. It lasted six months, until he found someone else” she added.
“P. and I have known each other since high school. He was my first love. We got married after we finished College, and I was also pregnant with our first child at the time. After ten years of marriage, our relationship started to deteriorate. I was very successful in my career, while his didn’t seem to lead him anywhere. We had periods where we fought all of the time. Until I discovered he had a mistress. So, I decided to ask for a divorce. During the process of separation, we got to see each other a lot because of the kids, of the lawyers, … When the divorce was finalized, we went once to a restaurant. And we got so drunk that we slept together. After that, we continued to see each other without telling anyone about it. We even went on holidays together, without the kids. But there, he admitted he was seeing someone else. He swore she didn’t mean anything to him. But I realized there I was doing a terrible mistake of trying to rekindle something that was broken and dead. I decided to stop this” T., 37, said.
A clear and proper break up involves two things: a real separation and distance. Afterward, if you decide to remain friends or rekindle your relationship, it’s important to communicate about the definition of your relationship. There’s nothing that sucks more than an ambiguous relationship when you don’t know where to sit. But you don’t become instant friend or lover with your ex just like that. It’s important to move on from the past relationship first. This means: no contact with your ex for a while. And a while isn’t two weeks. A while is at least three months. And even three months isn’t enough, in most cases I know.
It’s more complicated when you have kids or the same circle of friends, colleagues,… than your ex. But it’s always possible to limit the contact to the strict minimum with your ex for a while.
I’m telling you this because I have also some difficulties ending a relationship that brings me nothing but trouble and disappointments. And I know the only way to end this is to cut all contacts with him.