broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Needy & clingy

For those who read the celebrity news (or Page Six), you have probably know that this top model is now involved in a lawsuit with her ex and asks him $46k a month for child support.

Her ex dated a famous actress after her, who got pregnant too, and broke up with her too.  But now, they’re married. While the top model is left with a bitter battle court and a child who probably never know his father.

I read a lot about this story. And the newspapers didn’t depict a great picture of her. They all say that she went to a depression after she had a miscarriage several years ago, before meeting him. She took advantages from him for her career. And now she’s getting old, she’s trying to secure her future for her kids, by asking a huge child support.

Her rival didn’t say anything when her engagement was broken, just after she gave birth to their daughter. I guess she thought she was able to care for her on her own, without his money.   No wonder why he came back into her life…

I was always told that it’s better to be independent financially. Besides, it’s a little weird in our modern society to ask for the financial help of your significant other, especially if you work and earn a decent salary. And this includes kids. Marrying for the money isn’t worth it at all. Being a gold digger either. If you want money, work for it on  your own!

Besides, being needy and clingy can be a deal breaker in a relationship. If you always need him for doing things, this is the best way to get on his nerves.

And in the case of a divorce, asking for a huge spousal support will probably make you richer, but it won’t help you staying friends with your ex. It won’t help you either to mend your broken heart.

broken heart, celibacy, life, love, relationships, thoughts, women

Not together, but not apart

When I attended my sister’s wedding, I noticed a strange couple among the people invited. They arrived together, but each time the photographer asked them for a picture together, they declined. But they left together at the end of the night. More exactly, they were so drunk that they slept in their car. Together.

When I asked my sis if they were a couple, she replied negatively. They used to date, but they are no longer a couple, said my sister. Yet, they live together, and she told me that they always invite the two for dinner with her other friends.

A friend of mine also lives the same situation. She’s been living at her ex’s apartment for one year now. She goes on holidays with him, goes out with him,… Yet, she swears they are not together. “He needs me” she said. I asked her if he needed her like a mom, but she replied negatively. “He cooks for me, cares a lot about me” she said. “He calls me when I go out without him just to know where I am” she added. Yet, they are not together.

The truth is, my friend really wants to have a real relationship with him again. But so far, he has always turned her down. Each time, my friend is hurt and leaves him. But then, he begged her to come back into his life. Yet, nothing really changes between them. And I know my friend isn’t happy about this situation.

Both cases are not sustainable. If one day, my friend, her ex, or one of my sister’s friend finds someone else, they will lose their bizarre friendship. So far, it will be difficult, because none of them is making any room for a new romance.

I told my friend to be honest with him, and leave him a choice: either they start a real relationship, or they take their distance. But my friend refuses to do so for the moment.

Life is too short to waste it like that.

celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

By your side

In “One Day“, the best-seller written by David Nicholls, the two main characters realized they love each other twenty years after they first met. They have sex on the first night , but decide to stay friends instead of lovers. He’s very successful in his career at the beginning, while she’s struggling with hers, but as time goes on, the situation reverses to her advantage.

The more confident she became  with her life, the more she occupied a place in his heart.

Because that’s the way it works in a real relationship. Women should never hide behind their man. They all have to live their own life and follow their own dreams. This is also the only way to keep the flame of love alive.

Pity, desperation and self-loathing are not attractive at all. Of course, life can be a bitch and we all go through ordeals in our life. But for every down, there is an up too. And it’s good to have your life on hand, especially if things don’t turn the right way with your significant other. Because your professional and social life is a buffer for a broken heart.  In itself, it can bring you happiness. And happiness is attractive. It’s a powerful weapon of seduction.

That’s why, if you’re trying to find the one you love, or to win back your ex, it’s important to have a happy life on your own.

Being happy on your own will also prevent you to fall into bad relationships. It will prevent you to hear sentences like one of my acquaintances recently heard: “I don’t want the next 10 years of my life to be like the ten last ones. I want to go out and travel with my mates“. It’s been 10 years they have been together, and she just gave birth to her second child.

Happiness and confidence in your life will also make you think twice about sacrificing it for the one you love. Because when you fought so much for one thing, you don’t want to give it all up just like that, even if you find someone new in your life . For instance, no one can ever ask me to drop my job or my friends, because both make me happy and I love them to death!

Finding love over happiness just makes you even more happy. And that’s the beauty of it. Love is a beautiful feeling, but it needs fuel to last, and that fuel is your own happiness.

celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, wedding, women

Catching the bouquet

One of my friends recently told me that she stopped trying to catch the bride’s bouquet when she’s invited to weddings. “I caught so many of them, and I’ve never got married” she said.

So, during my sister’s wedding, she voluntarily  declined to join the other single ladies participating to the tossing of the wedding bouquet.

When I saw the picture of this moment, I realized there were two groups of women: those who fought to catch  the bouquet, and those who didn’t try at all. But my sister confessed she threw a fake bouquet, and not hers. She followed her friends’s advice, who told her she could throw a fake one, because everyone does it, apparently.

My sister later explained she didn’t want to give away her bouquet, because her husband carefully picked it for her. One of my friends, who was present, disagreed strongly with her. But hey, my sister didn’t want a traditional wedding as she said. The bouquet was my idea (and also, a request from some of my friends who were attending…). I guess she shouldn’t have thrown her bouquet. Most of the weddings I attended didn’t have a bouquet tossing.

The tradition in Europe and North America says that the bride should throw her bouquet (the real one) to all the single ladies attending the wedding. The bouquet became an alternative to the pieces of the wedding dress.

But most weddings I attended lately didn’t follow the tradition. There was just one where we shared something in common with the bride: food poisoning.  The fridge where the cake was waiting broke down during the ceremony. I let you imagine the rest of the night…

celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, wedding, women

Getting hitched no more

A recent article in the Economist says that Asian women with the most education are the most reluctant to get married. Besides, the more diplomas you have, the fewer potential partners you can get.

Well, I can tell you it’s not necessarily the case. Some of my single female friends didn’t graduate from a prestigious College, and some of them even dropped out of it. Yet, they also find it difficult to find their match.

Most of young women these days don’t want to end up like their mom.  They all say they don’t want to be like  their mother, completely subdued to their father, or broken-hearted because their husband left for another one.  Of course, this is a painful experience we all want to avoid when we grow up.

So, after a series of bad dates, some of them prefer to stick with their girlfriends. And this is how they stay single for a long period.  Among my single friends, who are for most of them over 30 year-old, they all act like that. Their social life is very rich, and they are very satisfied with the way it goes. Yet, some of them still dream about getting married and having kids. Very few contemplate the option of a sperm donor or an adoption, out of wedlock.

Some will end up getting married. I’m sure. As we grow old, the number of single friends diminishes. The prospect of getting old alone pushes people to find someone and start a family.  This hasn’t change.

The truth is here in my country, marriage is coming back with a vengeance, despite one marriage out of two ending in a divorce. People don’t hesitate to marry because they know how easy it is now to get divorced. Before, the long procedure hindered some couples to get divorced.

As for the most educated women, maybe there’s another factor playing in their celibacy. They all look for someone like them. Which leaves them very little potential partners. But they can be intimidating. Education is one thing, and I believe it is very important. Yet, when it comes to relationships, it can be useless. If you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, education itself isn’t enough. It won’t necessarily help you getting along with the opposite sex, even if the guy has more diplomas than you. Worse, he can see in you a potential co-worker.  Diplomas are appealing to a recruiter, not to a lover.

What helps a lot in a relationship is common points (apart from a diploma!). That’s why it’s important to have hobbies and to know what you love, even the silliest thing. Even if you work 60 hours a week. You never know. I know two PhD who clicked because they share a passion for doodling during seminars… Their diplomas helped them to find each other (they wouldn’t have met otherwise), but it’s not that factor that influenced their bonding.

And always remember this: “on n’attrape pas les mouches avec du vinaigre”. So, diplomas are great. But they don’t give you the right of letting yourself go…

broken heart, celibacy, life, love, relationships, thoughts, women

Facebook & I

How do we use Facebook? I’ve noticed that among my FB friends, some are not really active, while other pollute you with their news. Those who are really active on this network can be divided in two categories: those who play a lot to games like Farmville (and who clearly have nothing to do at work), and those who want to show you how great their life is (it also applies to those who complain about everything).

Recently, I went to lunch with one of my FB friends, who is also one of my best friends in real life. And we discussed a lot about one of our common friends, who has been to every party in my town for the last 8 months. Her wall is full of pictures of her tagged at this or that party, always dressed up and smiling to the camera. Our friend left her husband 8 months ago, and since then, she’s been going out non stop. A bit too much, I think. And too much on display. As if she wants everyone to know how great her life is. Including, I think, her ex.

Most of my friends who go out a lot and who are on FB are almost invisible on FB. From time to time, we see some pictures of them at a party, a concert, … They have a life outside FB.  And when I ask them if they would be bothered to have their entire activities on FB, they disagree. “I’m not promoting myself. I just want to have fun. That’s it” one of them said. Indeed, living your life and enjoying what you want to do don’t need much publicity to it.

The constant promotion of your social life on FB only proves one thing: a need for attention. If it helps her gaining confidence, it’s not a bad idea. When we have our heart broken, it’s good to have some help like that. But this is only temporary. Maybe my friend will rekindle her relationship with her ex. It looks like it.

I don’t really think using FB like she does is a great strategy, though. Sometimes, disappearing from the public eye can be more effective than showing how great your social life is permanently. Love and desire need a little distance.

celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, wacky, women

Boulevard Nights

Once, when I got to pick a friend of mine at her apartment for driving her to the airport, I noticed a strange ballet outside of her place. It was five in the morning, on a Saturday, and there were men and women, often young, walking with their clothes and hair undone. The women also looked in need of a proper makeup remover… It reminded me of my years in College, where I often went back to my apartment a little bit wasted…

My friend told me in the car she looked exactly like them whenever she came back from a one-night stand.”I never stay over. It’s too weird” she said.”I went once to a party where I drank too much and followed a guy I met there at his place. I was drunk, but not enough to avoid noticing the state of his apartment, untidy as hell. It was impossible not to walk on something. Plus, it was filthy. So, I waited until the guy fell asleep, and rushed out of his place. The next morning, a friend of mine, who was at the party, asked me how was the night, with the “hottie” I landed. I realized he was en  plus not very handsome…” she said.

This is one of the problems with drunken nights. But when you’re not drunk, the “morning” after a one-night stand can be as awkward. When you’re not a your place, you can always leave after your misfit, especially if your one-night stand really sucked. But if it’s at your place, there’s the problem of making him/her go away.

If you live alone, this is more a problem than if you have one or several roommates. They can provide you a good excuse to get rid of your one night-stand.

Of course, this kind of embarrassment doesn’t happen if you choose to wait before having sex with the one you’re currently dating.