celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Impossible change

Can we change the one we love? Yes and no. We can influence the way our significant other treats us by telling him how we feel about his actions. For example, if he says something humiliating for you, you can always (and you have to) tell him that you feel humiliated. If he’s not a socio-psychopath, he will change his behavior after apologizing to you.

The same goes if you’re disappointed by what he does (for example, forgetting your birthday). Just tell him you’re disappointed.

This is the kind of change you can hope for your significant other.

For the rest, trying to tame a hard partying guy or someone who works a lot is a lost battle. Sooner or later, he will feel imprisoned and is likely to leave you or to cheat on you.

What you see is what you get in a relationship. You can’t expect him to become another person, the person you wish he would be. If you’re not happy with how he acts, then maybe, he’s not the right guy for you.  If you know he’s a player, chances are he will never ever change because of you.

C., 33, hopes desperately to get married to her man. But he recently told her that he doesn’t want to, and wants to travel the world with his mates, without her. They have two children together, but apparently, he wasn’t keen to be a father. Each time, it was a surprise for him. So, after she gave birth to her second child, he told her he didn’t want to spend the next ten years like the ten past one. In other words, he didn’t want her to impose him what to do anymore.

Trying to change your man won’t work over time. Because there will always be a time when he realized he has gone too far with you. Remember, when you tear too much on a rubber band, it comes back in its initial position really quickly.

This is why it’s important to know what you want from your significant other. I’m often surprised to hear my single friends listing what they don’t want in a relationship. But no one actually made a list of what she wants. This is a big difference.

It’s best to share the same centers of interest and the same philosophy of life. Otherwise, you can end up fighting all of the time and feeling frustrated because you don’t get what you want. If you like to travel a lot and he’s a couch potato, afraid of planes, you might get into a lot of arguments. The same goes if you’re into opera, art exhibitions, … while he’s only interested in football, which isn’t your cup of tea at all.

Not only, it will lead to tensions and frustrations, but also, your friends, who usually share the same interests than you, will have a hard time dealing with your significant other. One of my friends constantly complains about his sister’s new boyfriend, who only talks about the stock exchange and wines. Another of my friends also complains about her sister’s boyfriend, who’s only passion is Formula One, and talks about it all of the time. “It’s boring” she says.

I’m not saying that we should all find our perfect copycat. But at least, it’s important to share some common points.


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