Recently, a friend of mine told me the incredible story of her cousin, who just got divorced. She got married only for one month when she decided to call it quits with her husband. The reason? She discovered he was gay and spent his night getting fist fucked in dark corners of the town.
My friend said her cousin was devastated. But she also wondered how come she didn’t notice that before getting married. She just said her cousin was not confident when she met her future ex-husband, because she was a little bit overweighted. Since this shock, she has lost a dramatic amount of weight. But she made the decision not to talk to her ex ever.
My friend didn’t recall how she met her future ex-husband. But I guess he probably told her the things she needed to hear at the time. Otherwise, she wouldn’t have stayed that long. For the rest, I also guess she made the most common mistake we all do during a relationship: not taking seriously the little weird details we spot in our significant other. Usually, the light of our life can give us hints about who they really are. An example? “My ex had really weird habits and changed his mind all of the time about everything and everyone. He was 40, but acted like a child. At the beginning of our relationship, I found this absolutely charming. But then, I realized I couldn’t never count on him. Everytime I needed his help to do something, he would criticize me and my project, and never gave me a hand” G., 34, said. “He was always up to see gay films festivals in the town, and once told me it would be exciting to have sex with a man” T., 35, said.
A more famous example of this is the actual first lady of France. I recently read an article about one of her ex’s, a famous lawyer whose family is known for defending the Jews and condemning former nazis. The article just said he was still living with his parents, rode a bicycle, and was still a child in his heart. It quoted him saying that he was never as happy when he was surrounded with his sister and his family around a simple lunch in their home. In other words, there was simply no place for a woman in his life. I guess the first lady of France didn’t pay attention to these little important details. She may have convinced herself their couple was great when they got out together among their community of friends, artists and lawyers.
Sometimes, we simply refuse to see the truth as it is, and tell ourselves lies. For example, we can excuse his past mistakes because we think we all make mistakes. But people don’t change that much. “When I met him, he told me he was divorcing. He also told me he had a daughter, but she was a love child. He also told me he wasn’t sleeping with his ex for two years and had several lovers before finally breaking it up for good with her. I just thought it was his past, and that it wouldn’t affect our relationship. But I didn’t realize he was still seeing his wife, and wasn’t really divorcing” R., 36, said. Ok, if he tells you when he was very young, he did a very bad thing like burning all his GI Joe to see what it looked like once melted, this is forgivable.
Another hint is how he talks about women and especially his ex’s. If he says they were all wacko, maybe you should worry. But if he’s still talk a lot about one of his ex’s, it should also worry you.
All in all, we often don’t want to see the truth right away in our relationship. But sooner of later, it will come back with a vengeance and leaves us with a broken heart.