broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Rejection

Nobody likes to be rejected. It’s easier to leave than to be left behind. But sometimes, we can have it all wrong by rejecting and then changing our mind, only to be rejected in the end.

Recently, one of my friends told me her recent experience with her man. She started dating him after she got dumped by her long time boyfriend, and she wasn’t sure at all her new man was the right guy. Rebound relationships rarely work.

He was sweet with me. He always wanted to spend time with me. But I couldn’t bear him. I realized he wasn’t my ex. And I missed my ex a lot. So, I told him I wanted to call it quits. But I realized then I was missing him a lot too” she said.

“But I needed time apart to figure it out. So, I didn’t call him right away. But after two months, when I called him, he told me he didn’t want to go back with me. I was devastated” she added.

Two months later, her man showed up in her apartment and asked her for a second chance. But she was still mad at him for rejecting her. So she asked him what took him so long to come back to her, and also why he rejected her two months before. And her man didn’t take it well. So, he changed his mind again. And my friend was devastated again.

Two months later, they were invited to the same party. But none of them were aware of it. She was already dancing with her friends when he arrived at the place. And she didn’t notice him at all. “A guy there was trying to get to me, but he didn’t interest me at all. I let him talk to me though. And then suddenly, he came next to me, and simply told me I looked beautiful. I reciprocitated by telling him his shirt was really nice and that it complimented his eyes. He smiled, then looked at me without saying anything. And all of a sudden, he started to kiss me” she said.

So far, they are still together.

When we get rejected, it’s easy to yield to our emotions. Yet, these don’t help us and can turn against us, especially if we want to get our ex back. But we also want to take the upper hand in this situation and reverse it to our advantage. We don’t necessarily yield to this urge to take revenge though. Unless we don’t want to get back with our ex. This only applies when we are young and immature. Mature people don’t do that anymore.

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life, love, men, thoughts, women

Guest post: Academic Romances

Courtesy of Marina Salsbury

There are many complex personal relationships in the academic world, and as in any setting where people work together closely and often, romance can blossom easily. When romantic relationships develop between teachers, online PhD graduate students and their advisors, or even professors and undergraduates, questions often are raised as to whether they are appropriate, ethical, or even legal.

Although sexual misconduct by teachers is perceived variably by adolescents, the law is usually quite clear in its definition of criminal activity when a legal adult and a person under the age of consent become romantically involved. A romantic, physical involvement or communication between an underage student and a teacher is grounds for legal action. This may involve sexual harassment or statutory rape charges. Accordingly, such relationships are relatively uncommon and tend to be kept quite under wraps.

A sexual relationship between a professor and a student of legal age is more likely in a college setting, isn’t generally considered a criminal offense. Since the student is in a subordinate position to the teacher however, it must be very clear that the student was not coerced into the relationship. There is an obvious imbalance of power inherent in the teacher-student relationship and this may be used in some cases to advance a romantic involvement in unhealthy ways.

Problems may also arise after such a romance has ended if the student seeks legal recourse against the professor. Also, although such relationships may not be criminal, universities may consider them legally perilous and unethical. In this case the school may address this issue in its school policies and with sanctions against the professor.

Despite all this, romantic relationships can and do flourish in academic settings. Professors often meet and marry at the same university or get together after meeting at a conference. There are no constraints in these cases as the two people are on more or less equal footing as far as professional standing and there are almost no ethical considerations involved.

Romances between professors and older students are often regarded differently than those involving students much younger than the professors, let alone those still in their teens. Although there still is an element of power imbalance, the older student presumably has a more mature approach to relationships that would mitigate this dynamic. Regardless, such relationships can turn out quite well. One professor at my college married one of her senior thesis advisees after he graduated.

Due to the many considerations involved, some universities are rewriting their policies to simply discourage rather than actually ban romantic relationships between professors and students. Most university policies require the professor to disclose this relationship to school administrators, who then will arrange for the student to be managed academically by other teachers. Universities continue to encourage discretion by the professors and students and to conduct themselves professionally. Much like in other professional contexts, affairs between academics are viewed with some skepticism and even caution, yet are also accepted as a likely occurrence despite their borderline status.

Thank you Marina!

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Nothing to win

Yesterday,  I went to the opera with my friends, where we bumped into a famous former TV anchor. She was there with obviously her son and her daughter-in-law. It’s been almost two years now we haven’t had much news about her. She got kicked out of her TV show by her team, who had enough of her angry-bully control freak behavior. Since then, she underwent a severe depression. And she obviously lost a lot of weight. There was also a sadness in her eyes when I looked at her. She didn’t seem very happy to be here. The expression on her face was tensed.

Shame on me, I couldn’t help gossiping about her with my friends.  She got divorced three years prior of her dismissal at the TV show. She asked for a divorce because her husband spent her time cheating on her with much younger female TV presenters. This was terribly humiliating. Her job imposed her to travel a lot, and so her husband took her numerous absences as an opportunity to cheat on her.

It’s been years since she started her TV show, a very popular one. But people have always complained about her very difficult mood. Over the eight years prior to her dismissal, nine of her collaborators stepped out.

Gosh, no one wins or loses in this situation.

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life, love, thoughts, women

The wrong shoes

Some time ago, I had a very long conversation with one of my coworkers about the sense of life. He asked me about my professional career, and I told him I went working for the banking sector before joining my newsroom.  This wasn’t a choice for me. I took this because I had no doors opened in the world of journalism at the time.  He also worked in the banking sector before joining our newspaper.

But he’s not a journalist. He didn’t study journalism in College. He’s an engineer. When he told me that, I was a bit shocked. Many journalists I met have either studied law, journalism or economics, but this was the first time I met an engineer. He just told me he did study this because his parents wanted him to do that. He added he was not really happy during his studies, and also, he didn’t like his job when he worked for the banking sector. He hated his coworkers. His only way out was the opera at the time. He spent his weekend traveling in various cities to see various shows. This is how he met his wife, who’s a soprano. When he met her, he told me he found the courage to change his life. He became her impresario. And began writing articles for various publications, mostly about music.

Little by little, he got interested in other topics than music. And this is how he ended in my newsroom.

I got reminded of this because of one article I read this morning. In the comments, people told the writer to change his life, if he was unhappy with his. It’s not easy, but people who want to manage to do so. One of my friends used to be a lawyer, and hated it. She just followed the path her parents chose for her when she was younger. She left her job one year ago to become a cook (an excellent one), and she even found her significant other during her cooking lesson… And she ‘s happier now she made that change. Like I said, happiness is the most powerful weapon of seduction 😉

Sometimes, life also forces you to make a change. One of my ex’s got fired from his job he didn’t like. But so far, it’s been three years now he’s searching for a new direction in his life. And when I met him, he wasn’t that happy of his situation. Others do manage to rebound and find a new direction. I met once a man who was the CFO of a big company, but got fired when his company merged with another one. He decided not to pursue his career in his sector, but took a 180° turn and is now the owner of a restaurant.

But in the end, no one can decide for us what direction our life should take. We can’t dream someone else’s dream for long. It can only bring us frustration. Like Steve Jobs said in his Stanford commencement speech in 2005, we have to find what we love in life.

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broken heart, celibacy, relationships, thoughts, women

Sever the ties

After a break up, the wisest thing to do is to spend time way apart from our ex. It’s important to do so, because otherwise, we can have our heart broken again.

The distance is important to help us move on.  It’s also a reminder that the one we loved and who broke our heart isn’t the center of the universe.

Taking your distance implies cutting all contacts with your ex for a while. It will help you to grieve your past relationship. Let’s be honest, when it’s over, we can feel a wide range of emotions, going from sadness, to anger, to hope and desperation. But we have to go through this grieving and unpleasant period to get over our past relationship. Because it helps us getting in touch with ourselves.

A broken heart also gives you a strange energy. In adverse times, we all develop mechanisms of survival.  A broken heart can give us pain chest and weaken our body.  But our body responds against this.

Some people used that energy to start something new. Look at Steve Jobs. When he got fired from Apple in the 80’s, he bounced back and founded Pixar, then NeXT, only to come back with a vengeance at Apple years later, to save the company.

The singer Adele also used her broken heart to write her best selling album, 21. These examples are numerous.

That’s why it’s important to find something to do, something you like but you never had the time to do because you were in a relationship, when it’s over.

And this is only possible if we sever the ties with our ex.

But sometimes, it’s hard to really take a distance with our ex. Today, I got reminded on how difficult to forget completely about my ex. When we evolve in the same professional circle or have a family with our ex, cutting all contacts can be difficult. But it’s possible to limit the exchanges to the minimum with our ex.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Love doesn’t come easily

Yesterday, I went to dinner with an old friend of mine, who’s also single. She hadn’t had any serious relationship since she left the father of her child two years ago, and she told me she had tried several times to find the one, but she didn’t succeed.

Dating sites just get on my nerves, and every man I meet is either too old for me or just leaves me cold” she said. She also admitted she would have a hard time trusting another man again after what her ex did to her. And I understand her.

I’m currently reading “L’envie“, a book where the author explains she lived for a certain period of time without a sexual life. She described the numerous situations where her friends, worried for her, tried to set her up with a single man who, each time, wasn’t her cup of tea.

It can happen that we feel the need to be alone and enjoy our own company, especially after a painful breakup. Some people fear that loneliness and jump straight away in another relationship. This is the recipe of disaster for a rebound relationship.  Most of the time, these relationships don’t last, and it can leave with you with a bigger broken heart than the one you had before. It can even push you back into your ex’s arms. Even if you knew he/she didn’t treat you the right way.

C. ,34, left her husband because she found out he cheated on her. She jumped straight back into a new relationship that lasted one year, until she got back with her ex-husband. Three months later, she left him again, because she found out he was still cheating on her. Hasn’t she tried to remain on her own for sometime and think about what went wrong in her marriage, maybe wouldn’t she have made that mistake to come back.

Time alone, without a significant other, can also help us to figure what we want in our life.  It’s important, because it allows us to be selective with the potential love interest we meet. Although I really believe that we simply know when we find the right one. In my case, if I don’t want to go away after a drink, I know I’m in a right company. That’s a start.

In that book, the author mentioned one encounter she had with a guy who was cynical and talked in derogatory terms about women, and explained she took the opportunity to leave him when he was looking away…

I guess this distance helps us recognize quickly toxic people…

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The needed distance

Recently, one of my coworkers told everyone in my newsroom she was going to Brazil with a friend for three months. This was a shock to everybody since she’s dating a fellow coworker who will remain here in my country. She left us yesterday and I wished her a very good trip.

Since then, I noticed on Facebook her man changed his status to “in a relationship” with her. They have been dating for almost a year now and it’s only now that he changed this.

This is not the first time she left him to travel on her own. Three months ago, she went on a trip to the Silicon Valley to meet various startup there and made a terrific report about it. But during her trip, he didn’t seem affected by her absence. This time, it’s different. Maybe this is the sign they are getting serious to each other.

Their relationship was strange to all of us. She was really jealous when he spoke to all the female journalists (the young ones) in our newsroom, especially when he was talking with me. But I consider him as one of my cousins. And I remain distant to him because I didn’t want her to get jealous, even there was no reason for that. He, on the other hand, was a bit distant to her. Until she came back from the Silicon Valley.

They fell in love at work, while both of them were dating someone else. It’s not easy to jump into a new relationship in this condition. Especially when one of them was involved in a long term relationship. He was living with his girlfriend at the time. It looked it was pretty serious. He talked about her all of the time.

She, on the other hand,  was not that committed in her previous relationship. She was even flirting a lot with many of the male journalists in my newsroom, including my previous editor, who wondered what the hell she wanted from him. Once, during a team building with her team, she got drunk and told everyone her long list of relationships. Yes, she’s a seducer.

She did her move with him, and she was very possessive with him.  She was always chasing him and he was a little bit scared about that. Everyone in my newsroom knew who lead the relationship between the two.

I guess for her, taking her distance with him was the best decision she made to make him commit a little bit more.

Being too possessive and too obsessed with your man is the best way to make him go away. It’s always better to have a rich social life on your own, so you don’t depend entirely on him to make him happy. He should be the cherry on the top of your cake. And that’s how he should feel when he’s with you.

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