celibacy, life, love, relationships, thoughts, women

Better days

So, 2011 is coming to an end. And as we wave goodbye to this year, some of us also choose to wave goodbye to the things that weren’t good for us.

It is called resolutions.

Usually, we make resolutions at the beginning of the year, but we don’t stick to it. An example? One of my friends vowed to stop smoking. But after three months, she started to smoke again.These nasty habits die hard, unfortunately. If you don’t take this really seriously, chances are you won’t succeed in making it.

Why do we fail at it? That’s a difficult question. Maybe we put the goal too high. That’s an explanation.

Maybe should we be more realistic?

But sometimes, it is worth leaving the past behind, to start a new life. The past can be a burden.

At the end of the Santiago de Compostela road, hikers are asked to leave something precious to them behind. After months of walking, sleeping and feeling nothing, except peace of mind and tiredness, we are conditioned to think about our life and know what’s important and what’s not. So, people choose to leave something that was precious to them, but isn’t precious anymore.

In the movie “Up”, this is also depicted. Carl chose to leave behind the house he built with his wife, who passed away, after a long journey where he finds a new meaning for his life: stand behind a child, Russell, who’s left behind by his father, who started another family.  Elle, his wife, is symbolized by his house. At the end of the movie, Carl loses his house, who lands just in the place where he and Elle hoped to visit when they were younger.

After a long journey, we can accept to let go our past.

So maybe we all need a long journey.

I wish you a Happy New Year and a fresh start for 2012!

Thank you for being my readers.

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blogging, broken heart, life, relationships, thoughts, women

It’s the end of the year, but not the end of the world.

Here’s the end of the year. Time for doing this meme.

1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before? Pilates. Investigating for writing a new kind of articles.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I don’t know if I kept my resolutions. All I know is that I’m leaving 2011 with more maturity.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Yes.

4. Did anyone close to you die? No

5. What countries did you visit? Switzerland, Great Britain, France, Italy, Czech Republic.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011? Mutual love. And peace.

7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? February 10: the day my editor announced he was leaving my newsroom. My professional world felt apart.

July 14: The day I learned B. went on holiday in the South of France, in his property, with his (ex)-wife.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Managing to get a public speech thanks to my blog.

9. What was your biggest failure? Failing to forget about B.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Yes.

11. What was the best thing you bought? A citrus press.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Silvio Berlusconi, for quitting for good politics.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Silvio Berlusconi, Nicolas Sarkozy, the whole interim Belgian government, politicians in general who just blame everything but are unable to come with a solution to solve this crisis.

14. Where did most of your money go? travels.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Going to the opera. The Prince concert too.

16. What song will always remind you of 2011?

Viva Italia! And viva the protesters around the world!

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c) richer or poorer?

Happier. Neither thinner nor fatter. Richer.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

With my family and my sister’s chihuahua. I offered to my sister a infrared thermometer and she spent the day taking my family temperature, including her and her dog. On our way back to home, she wanted to be tested for alcohol, but we didn’t see the police on the road. She only wanted to have her picture with an alcohol test.

21. Did you fall in love in 2011?

No.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? No.

24. What was the best book you read? Rien ne s’oppose à la nuit.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery? The Joy Formidable

26. What did you want and get? A nice wedding for my sister.

27. What did you want and not get? I wanted to have B. back in my life.

28. What was your favorite film of this year? Bridesmaids.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

Work.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?  Finding the right man. But that would have been the cherry on top of my cake.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?

There’s improvement.

32. What kept you sane? My friends and family.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? L. Zingales.

34. What political issue stirred you the most? The debt crisis.

35. Who did you miss? my former editor.

36. Who was the best new person you met? M., my cousin’s girlfriend.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011. If there’s a will, there’s a way.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

Lost in thought and lost in time
While the seeds of life and the seeds of change were planted
Outside the rain fell dark and slow
While I pondered on this dangerous but irresistible pastime
I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the moment had arrived
For killing the past and coming back to life


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celibacy, dating site, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The damage done

Recently, I got the unpleasant surprise to discover that two of the guys I met online googled me and find informations about me, including my real name.  I don’t disclose my real name online. I don’t want to.

One of them even found this blog. For your information, I don’t disclose this blog very much to the people I know. Only a few friends know about it. My family doesn’t know about it and I don’t want to. My coworkers don’t know either, and I don’t want to.

If I don’t disclose this blog, it’s for a simple reason: I would be forced to censor myself, and I don’t want to.

As for the two guys in question, I told them that I didn’t want them to contact me anymore. I felt a little bit violated by this.

In a time where informations about you can be spread on internet, it’s easy to gather informations about you. But what the two men I met online did goes a little bit beyond that. They were intrusive.

This gives a pitiful image of themselves. I can only imagine they are the guys who will worry every time you spend time apart from them. That doesn’t mean they will treat me the right way.

My ex was like that, very intrusive with me. But he forgot to wish me a happy birthday, he never presented me to his family and friends, he was still seeing his ex behind my back and let his secretary criticized me in front of me. This is not love. It’ s all about control.

Intrusive people will tell you what to do even if you don’t ask for their advice. My ex refused that I read the book of one of his competitors. I had to read it for work. He also told me to avoid interviewing this and that person. But again, it was for work, and I had no choice. He pushed me to enter a competition where I had zero chance to win (the winner of that contest wrote a paper about the sex industry, to give you an idea). It was as if his love was conditional.

Love is unconditional. Someone who tells you to lose weight or to change your style doesn’t love you. He/she just wants to control you. Someone who loves you just appreciates you for who you are, without trying to change you. He/she would respect the decisions you take, without influencing you.

We can influence people without telling them what to do. An example? Recently, my cousin went to visit me, and we talked about everything and nothing. In the middle of the conversation, I received a call from one of my friends. I told to my cousin my friend was in a bad situation, where she was living with her ex, but they were not a couple. I told him she was unhappy of this. And my cousin, who was also living with his ex, realized how hurtful it was for her too. So, one week later, I learned that he decided to move out of their apartment. I didn’t told him to do so.

Another example? Recently, I went to see a friend of mine who lives in London. I told him about my day in London where I met various people and about all those guys who were leaving for India, who’s developping. Three days later, I learned he was considering leaving for India too.

If my cousin asked me if he was doing something bad, I would have told him so. But here, he didn’t ask for an advice. So I didn’t give him any. The same goes for my friend.

The only person who can control you is yourself. 😉

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See the signs

I’ve been playing a little game with online dating: it’s called the word cloud. Basically, you just notice the frequency of words used in profiles and you can get a very general view on the person who sits behind his computer.

An example? One guy I met online mentioned several times in the things he loves the word wine (wine & cheese, wine with friends, wine tasting, …). This really stands out in his profile. I haven’t met him in real life, but I bet he would immediately order a bottle of wine if we got out together. And drink all of it.

Another one used the word sad several times in his description. “Life is sad, people are sad,…” and his moniker on the dating site is really depressing too “Aloneinmymind”. He doesn’t smile on his profile picture (in fact, few men smile on their profile picture, they all look like serial killers).

This shows how easy it is to know someone, just by reading his signs.

This is also true when you meet the person in real life. Here, the interaction is even easier. We can instantly know if we’re with the right person or not. If we don’t feel comfortable, this is the sign there may be a problem.

The use of words here is also important. For instance, during each of my dates, I tried to tell to my date a personal and sad experience, but not too much, just to see his reaction. An example? When I got car-jacked earlier this year, I told that to one of my dates. He said I should have been more cautious. I didn’t pursue the date after that. Another one replied to me he wasn’t a ophtalmologist  when I said my eyes were a bit sore after a day of work. I didn’t pursue the date after that either.

Worse, one of my friends told me she had a date when the guy was constantly bringing her down. He criticized her job (“Do you need any qualification for that? Anyone could apply” he said), he criticized her for having a yorkshire (“a stupid dog”), and he said that she shouldn’t take a dessert after their dinner. Luckily for my friend, she refused to go on a second date with him.

We should all pay attention to the choice of words. The signs of an unhealthy relationship already show in  the few words we exchange for the first time. Or the lack of it…

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Take it back (hysteria)

Relationships can offer us a lot of frustrations. But it’s worth to ask how you get frustrated by your significant other.

Recently, I got into a huge fight with my ex, who has the ability to be alternatively warm or cold with me. It started weeks before. He begged me to come to a party with him, but I had other plans. I accepted to change my plans for him. And the D-day, at that party, he simply ignored me the whole evening to chat with other women.

Since I know him, it has always been like that. I went to New York with him, but when I arrived there, he told me he had a lot of work to do and that he couldn’t spend a lot of time with me. He even invited his coworker to join us during our dinner.

I understood it wasn’t working between us when we went  hiking together.  He was constantly hung on his mobile phone. The last day of our trip, we finished our path earlier and had some spare time. I was sitting on a bench, reading my book, and he was again talking on his phone. He was standing very far from me. He was constrained by the space around us. But he could have gone further, I guess he wouldn’t have hesitated.

He had also the nasty habit of telling me a lot of women were after him. And he lied a lot to make him feel important.

 A friend of mine, who’s a psychologist, told me he’s hysterical. Men can suffer from hysteria too. Apparently, guys who suffer from this pathology have that unpleasant habit of playing hot and cold with women. They also suffer from erection trouble and impotency.

This kind of man will always keep you at the distance they want you to stay. My ex has this nasty habit of running after me whenever he felt I was trying to forget about him. He didn’t want me to leave for good when he told me it was over. Instead, he insisted that we saw each other two days later, and he offered me to take a walk, bought me flowers, and kissed me. And then, he became cold again.

I had a lot of difficulties to get out of this infernal circle. To be fair, I’m still struggling to get away from this.

If you choose to stay in that poisonous relationship, let me just tell you this: you will feel like shit every time he becomes cold again with you.

Is there a way to break that circle? Yes. Tell him how you feel. Don’t lie. I’m very confused about my feelings, so I know how difficult it is. But I wrote down all my feelings on a piece of paper. And I realize how hurt I was.

Hysterical people can feel empathy. That’s why it is important to tell your feelings. To set your boundaries. To tell your limits. It helps a lot, to be honest.

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The silent one

A friend of mine once told me she doesn’t understand her brother-in-law, who’s not exactly what we can call a charming prince. In fact, my friend is mostly worried for his actual girlfriend.

Her brother-in-law lived with his mother until he decided, at 31, to go to Russia and find a girl. My friend said he lied to his girlfriend about the money he didn’t have. And when he came back with her, she discovered the truth and left him one year after. She never came back. But he was left broken-hearted. “He really believed this relationship could last” said my friend.

Six months later, he went on vacation in Rio de Janeiro, and met another woman. This time, he didn’t lie about the money he doesn’t have. He didn’t have to. This woman didn’t look for money. In fact, since they are together, she’s been buying him expensive gifts and travels all of the time.

I wonder what does she find in him. He never talks. I just hope for her he’s a good lover” she said.  This is very unlikely, in my opinion.

But my friend raised a point here: how can we develop a relationship with someone who has trouble communicating? Besides, communication is key to establish a contact when you meet someone for the first time. If the conversation doesn’t turn that well, chances are you wouldn’t want to see your date again afterwards.

We transmit a lot of informations on ourselves by communicating. During my numerous dates I had this year, I met quite a lot of men who told me they hate talking about themselves and prefer hearing what people have to say. I’m not sure I would prefer the guy who talks about him all of the time. But this is clearly a sign these guys don’t really want to communicate with me.

The way we talk about ourselves says it all about how we perceive ourselves. People with low self -confidence will describe themselves with many flaws or with confusing words. One of my online dates was really unable to tell me with simple words what he was doing for a living, and how many brothers he had.

People who are narcissistic will only talk about themselves and will quickly get bored when you talk about yourself. People with self-confidence will just tell you who they are, and won’t hesitate to joke about themselves.

These informations are precious. It helps us in our decision to like or not the one we’re dating.

So, the one who doesn’t want to talk about himself doesn’t really care if you could like him or not. He simply doesn’t care about you.

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Friends with benefits

What does it really mean to be friends with benefits?

I recently read an article about these kinds of relationships, which are the most complicated ones.

“Friends with benefits” doesn’t mean you’re just his/her booty call. It means much more than that.

Generally, it starts between two people who already have a bond. But for a reason, they don’t want this relationship to see the light. This is why these relationships are kept secret.

There are various reasons for ending as friends with benefits. The first one is probably between ex’s who didn’t respect the needed distance with each other after a break up. But this friendship is fragile, because eventually, one will move on quicker than the other.

But it can happen that after years of distance, some ex rekindle their relationship but refuse to make it official.

B. and I didn’t speak to each other for one year after our break up. We parted ways in the most difficult conditions. He told me he had enough of my bad temper, and I told him I had enough of his numerous absences. I thought it was best not to speak to him again, because I realized he wasn’t good enough for me. But one year later, we met again at a party. He immediately came to speak to me and asked me how I was going. He also mentioned he found someone else. A friend came to my rescue and I left him in his corner. But when I got home, he left me numerous messages on my mobile phone. He said he missed me terribly. He asked if we could have a drink sometime. I said yes. After all, it was just for a drink. But it turned out differently. We ended up sleeping together, but I thought it was just an accident. When I got home, he called me and said he wanted me back in his life for good. But I wasn’t sure at all I wanted him back. So, we developed a strange friendship, where we would sleep together, but no one knew about us” R., 35, said.

Friends with benefits also starts when you don’t want your relationship to be public, for various reasons. The term is here secret lovers rather than friends with benefits.

Sadly, friends with benefits don’t remain friends for long. There is a lot of feelings involved in those kinds of relationships. Which make them really complicated. When it’s too complicated, chances are it’s not sustainable.

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