broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Falling into deep

Cemeteries are full of people who got it wrong with love. The one of Fairview, in Newark NJ, is no exception to that.

Love, when unreturned or used, can make us suffer to a point where we don’t give a s*** about our life anymore. We can fall into depression after a break up. We don’t get out of love without any wound.

When we fall in love with the wrong person, it can lead us to suicidal tendencies. Some cope with this with drugs and/or alcohol, and go deeper down the spiral.

But the heart has its reasons the reason doesn’t understand. And because we love, we choose not to listen to the voice of reason (nor to the worries of our friends and family).

A friend of mine doesn’t listen to me nor her other friends anymore, despite she has several times recognized her man wasn’t that good for her. Since she knows him, she had been drinking a lot (too much). He controls her life and tells her when she needs to go  out and who she can see. Of course, I’m not the right person for her, according to him.

She has tried to run away from him many times, but each time, she runs back to him. “I have tried everything, including severing the ties for months, but I’m weak and powerless over him, even though I know he’s not the right man for me” she once told me.

Why do we become dependent like that and destroy ourselves?

Love can also lead us to pick a partner who’s dangerous to us. Most of crimes are passional ones, unfortunately. There are warning signals we shouldn’t ignore when we meet someone new. But for a reason, we choose not to pay attention, because we’re sometimes desperate to find love again.

This is the case when we try to jump back too soon in the love wagon after a breakup. Rebound relationships start when we’re not really ourselves. But this is also the case when we feel the burden of celibacy.

The only way to avoid this deadly trap is to love yourself. Find your passions, your limits, the people you love. These are the deal breakers if your lover suddenly comes into your life and tries to change it. It’s not easy to let go something you have fought hard or love to death. Like we have a hard time letting go a devastating love, because we lose ourselves and give ourselves entirely to it, we can also have a hard time letting go our passions, the things that are important to us.

The things that are important to us are our personal choices. Nobody can have a hold on this, except ourselves.

NB: I will always remember her like this.


life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, wedding, women

When love conquers

When I arrived in New Delhi, there was someone waiting for me: V., my driver. I was shocked when I saw him the first time, because he looks like my ex. An ex I haven’t seen for fifteen years now. I thought it was funny that V. would be my travel companion for the two weeks I spent in India.

V. is very young. And because of that, he wasn’t that careful. He didn’t speak a very good english. I was often lost in translation whenever we tried to talk with each other. But he was kind with me, and didn’t want me to walk alone in the streets of the cities I visited. He would also always bring me something whenever we stopped. Some candies, chewing gums,…

Because he was young, the other drivers often watched him carefully. On our way to Jaisalmer, a motorcycle hit our car when we crossed the road of a village. V. got out and saw the damages, but people quickly gathered around the car. An old man, the so-called wise man of the village, came to us, looked at the car, and told V. there was no accident. V. came back in the car and drove away.

I understood that day codes and casts still rule the society in India. V. asked me if in my country there are a lot of love marriages. I replied to him people do get married because they fell in love, but because of that, many couples go belly up after years of marriage. Love is not enough to make a marriage sustainable. In India, arranged marriages are still the rule.

But V. told me he was going to get married because they fell in love. “We needed our family approval. But we got it” he said, with a big smile on his face.

V. is lucky. Because in India, it is still difficult to marry someone who’s not from the same caste or the same religion. And if your family doesn’t approve your choice, your union can be doomed. This is why some have reacted against this, like the love commandos. 

The punishment for getting married against your family will can be deadly in India. Unfortunately, the one who gets killed is the bride, because women still carry the honor of their family. Honor crimes are still happening. That’s really sad.

As for V., I just wish him the best. When he drove me back to the airport, he gave me a small statue of Ganesh, the God of good luck in hinduism. He said I need it.

Ganesh is the God every Hindu pray whenever they start a new project, especially a marriage. V. got a Ganesh statue in his car too.

broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

New adventures in Hi-Fi

When I was in India, I met a couple on the road who quickly became my friends. Once, when we were in Jodhpur, she told me the story of her brother, who decided to travel for a whole year after he got his heart broken.

I already wrote in here that after a long journey, we choose to let go some of our past, if not all of it. This is why some therapists advise to travel to the desert during a week or two, with some professionals. This is why some people travel for three months and live like nomads to achieve the Way of St-James where it is asked to leave something precious behind at the end of our trip, near our goal.

My travel companion told me her brother, after he got his heart broken, decided to take his car as far as he could go. He ended up in Morocco, in a deserted place. During the night, a man offered him his help. But he told him to follow him to the nearest village. There, he started to walk very quickly, and my friend’s brother lost sight of him in the streets. When he arrived at the end of it, three men were waiting for him and assaulted him. But he made so much noise and fought with them they had to run away. He did eventually go back to his car, which was surrounded by a group of men ready to steal every part of it. So, he decided to leave it and find help, but an official one this time. After hours of walk, he found an NGO in a village and volunteered to join them. Six months passed like that, until he decided to go back to his car. And there, by miracle, it was still there, intact. He learned mechanical skills at his NGO and was able to start the engine which was damaged.

He took three months in another town, where he helped a hospital, before going back home.

I told her he was very wise to do so. Because he could have chosen to have a rebound relationship, like many people do. Rebound relationships  can leave you with a bigger broken heart than before when they’re over. We’re not really ourselves during this period so these relationships are ill-fated.

He did something dangerous, though. But there are much safer ways to get over a broken heart. We can travel in safety. But I guess  he also felt alive,  a good remedy when you feel worthless and desperate because of our aching heart.

broken heart, life, love, relationships, thoughts, women

Leaving your country

When I was in the Holy city of Pushkar, in India, my guide told me six French women lived in here. They married local guys. I didn’t ask if he knows them, because I didn’t have enough time. Otherwise, I would have liked to know their reason to leave their country and come living in a place where animal protein is prohibited and where there’s not much activity apart from the hippie community coming here from time to time.

My driver told me a lot of European people come here every year and spend one whole week. Ashrams can be seen everywhere, and I can understand the purpose of their visit. Maybe these women used to come here often before they chose to marry an Indian.

Yet, leaving your life behind to start a new one is a very tough experience. It also depends on how you get there. One of my friends met her husband in Russia where she moved in. She took the decision to leave her life behind and start a new one in this country, where she didn’t know anyone. It was her decision, only motivated by her personal reasons. Her husband came in the picture one year after she moved in Moscow. So, we can say that her husband was only a further step into her new life abroad.

Another friend of mine moved to New York because of a job opportunity. But there, she found some old friends she lost out of sight, and was quickly surrounded by a group of  mates. She also found love there. And is about to get married. She has no plan to come back to my country.

This is different if you choose to leave your country because of someone you love. You can face a lot of delusions here. Because not only you will be far from the ones you love, but you will have also to adapt and build a new life. When you start from scratch, this is not easy at all. You also become dependent on the one you love. And the heart break can be nasty if the one you love decide to call it quits.

Y., 34, left her family and friends to live in Turkey with a man she met there during her travel. She got married, but got quickly disappointed. Her husband and she planned to open an hotel together, but their plan turned into a disaster. She got into a lot of debts, and she got home sick. After three years, she decided to go home and asked for a divorce. But divorcing isn’t easy as in Europe in Turkey. And she’s still battling with her ex to get her money back and the papers for her divorce.

The inverted situation isn’t necessarily a better solution. R., 40, married a guy she met in Bali. Once they came back to her home country, her husband didn’t help her at all. He spent all his day watching TV and drinking beer. She divorced him two years later.

The best solution is probably to have a good project on your own before considering getting into a serious relationship with someone in your new country.