broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The division of the heart

The person we can fall in love with can sometimes carry with him the biggest difficulty to be with. But it’s difficult to fight against our heart. And despite the difficulties, we choose to hang on. Because we know it’s him, and no one else.

Recently, a friend of mine told me her story she kept secret for years. She fell in love with a man who could jeopardize her career if their relationship went public.  Not because of him, but because of another woman, who was chasing him, but had the power to get her fired, and who could block her to find another job.

Her man was scared of that woman. She had a power on him because she knew some dirty little secrets about him. She was friend with his ex-wife.

So, my friend kept her relationship secret for years.

But secret don’t remain kept for long. And her man got scared and dumped her.

He told her he didn’t want to ruin her life.

Yet, the damage was already done.

Luckily for my friend, she received a proposal for working abroad, and she accepted right away. She got out of her enemy’s reach. But also got far away from him.

She stayed two years in her country of adoption. Then, came back to our country.

During her absence, her ex started a relationship with one of his friends. But unlike my friend’s relationship, he made his relationship with his friend public. And he went out often with her and the woman he feared and her husband.

My friend saw them in a restaurant, and she immediately understood what was going on. She had a hard time remaining composed, so she avoided them. Later in the night, she received a message from him, saying she looked beautiful, and that he was disappointed she didn’t come to say hello to him. She didn’t respond to that.

Three months later, she met him again in a seminar, but this time, he was alone. She didn’t want to talk to him, because she felt betrayed. But he ran after her and asked her why she was mad at him. My friend exploded and told him how betrayed she felt. He replied to her that their relationship was just not possible and that she should find someone who will make her happy. My friend left the seminar. Two hours later, she received a message from him again, asking her if she was still mad at him. This time, she replied he should leave her alone.

Two weeks passed again, until one night, my friend got awakened by someone who banged on her door. She recognized his voice, and let him in. He took her into his arms, and said he was so happy he could hold her again. He stayed with her the whole night. Yet, the morning after, he went back to his official woman. And my friend became his mistress.

Like another friend of mine who tried everything to forget the man who will never commit to her, my friend tells herself that if she stays long enough with him, she will eventually grow tired of him. “But for now, I just can’t be away from him” she told me.

Yet, her lover doesn’t treat her the right way. If he really cared about her, he wouldn’t let her being only his mistress, only his second best.

broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, thoughts

Coming out

Two weeks ago, my newsroom found this news about a French academic who died in his hotel room. Immediately, on Twitter, there were thousands of tweets, most of them mourning the death of this man, who contributed to the democratization of Sciences Po, in France, an establishment very elitist.

An article of Le Monde depicted him as a bit megalomaniac. When you read it, you can’t help thinking the guy had a big personality.

So far, the inquiry on his death hasn’t revealed anything, but it indicated it wasn’t a crime, despite his body found naked in the room, and his cellphone found on the balcony of the third floor of the hotel, while his room was on the seventh. Prescription drugs were also found in his room.

But everyone in France suspects he was involved in a gay gang bang that turned not so well for him.

Because the victim was gay, but not openly.

I was shocked when I learned he was married (to a woman) and had two kids with her. He married her because in society, it’s easier to be heterosexual, and to follow the path society wants you to follow, aka, getting married and having kids. Unfortunately, if you don’t fit into that mold, you can get easily rejected, and it can close you doors.

But for every door that is closed, another one is opening.

One of my professional contacts is openly gay. And he has always managed to stand for his homosexuality. But he works for an international company, where they fight against all kinds of discriminations.

This just shows how retarded the French society is.

In Rue 89, there was a thought provoking op-ed about this case. And the author mentioned in it:”I wouldn’t want to be the man who  was his lover. I wouldn’t want to be the man people mentioned as the very dear good friend at his funerals“.

Nobody wins in lying about ourselves.

broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Is this how your heart treats all strangers?

Once, I had an enlightening conversation with one of my ex’s, about the foolishness of rushing into relationships. Both of us were guilty of it at that time. He came into my life at a time when I wasn’t really over my previous relationship, and I came into his life at a time when he wasn’t over his ex at all. Our relationship was simply doomed from the beginning.

As you can imagine, our relationship was plagued with resentments toward each other, because we were jealous of each other’s ex, and because we couldn’t help comparing ourselves to our previous lover. We also became suspicious of each other’s intention in this relationship. He asked me several times if I would have picked him among other men in a bar. That was shocking to me, because honestly, I couldn’t answer to that question. On the other hand, I was dating two other men at the same time, but I let them go to concentrate on my relationship with him. He also dropped his friend with benefits, he told me. But still, we both had someone else in mind.

So, after numerous fights with each other, we decided to “talk”. It was on Valentine’s Day. Not the greatest day to have that kind of conversation. Around us at the restaurant, there were only couples who looked at each other with tenderness. That wasn’t our case…

The beginning of our conversation was rocky. We basically knew there were something wrong in our relationship. But we wouldn’t want to admit why. He started to ask me again a lot of questions about why I picked him. As if I picked him like I would have picked some random stranger. That was the signal I sent to him the whole time we spent together. I just gave him the impression I used him to forget about my ex.

I was mortified at the end of the evening when I realized this. Three days later, I called him and told him it was better for us to call it quits. He didn’t react at all. I also erased his number, deleted him from my Facebook friends, delete his email adress,… It was necessary.

He was also using me to forget about his ex. But he wasn’t successful at all, because he kept on attending meetings where she would show herself , with her new man. He wanted me to accompany him to those meetings, but I refused. I understood what he had in mind.

I should have known about it at the beginning. I didn’t see the signs.

broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The Fear of getting alone

In this speech, Sherry Turkle explains how texts, tweets, and Facebook distort our capacity for self-reflection.  She says it’s important to learn how to be alone, without the help of technology, because this is how we learn about ourselves and learn to appreciate other people for who they are.

When we don’t want to be alone because we fear loneliness, we jump into all kind of relationships that are not good for us. This is the case for rebound relationships. We don’t do ourselves a favor here, because we just pick someone who will love us back, no matter who she/he is. No wonder why these relationships are doomed from the beginning.

This is also the case when we suffer from our celibacy and wish we had someone in our life. In this case too, anybody could fill this role. And this is the path for a disastrous relationship too.

Rushing into a relationship because we don’t want to be alone is foolish, and sometimes dangerous. We can fall into the trap of an abusive relationship or simply take the risk of having our heart broken because we didn’t see the warning signs of the ill-fated relationship.

After I left J., I got into a new relationship straight away with a guy I knew from work, and who had a crush on me for a long time.  I didn’t really like the guy, but I was afraid to end up alone, so I stayed with him for six months, until I realized I couldn’t stand him anymore. But he didn’t want me to let him go, and harassed me on the phone and on internet” G., 36, said.

This is why it’s important to know what we expect from our significant other. And we only know that because we know how to learn about ourselves.

Of course, when we know about that, we can eliminate a lot of suitors. I recently had this experience, where my date was only talking about him all the time and didn’t help me at the end of the date to open the heavy door of the bar. He even joked I didn’t have enough strength in my arms. I prefer to be alone than going on a second date with this guy.

I must admit I felt a little bad after this disappointing date. Because let’s be clear, I do want to find the right guy. And it’s disappointing to collect bad dates one after the other. The feeling there’s a lot of oysters, but no pearls, would sing Counting Crows.

But again, I prefer to be alone than going on a second date with this guy. Loneliness is not that bad 🙂

celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The rules of attraction (new version)

We reap what we sow, as it said. When it comes to love, it is the same. We only attract what we reflect of ourselves. If we don’t love ourselves enough, we will attract people who want to save us or control us, but those people don’t really love us. Trying to save someone is called compassion, but this isn’t love. Controlling someone is just manipulation.

If we love ourselves, we will attract people who will be simply seduced by us. A friend of mine always complained she scared men in general because she is tough and strong, and always defends herself when she gets into an argument. It’s true she scared some men, but it did herself a huge favor, because those men were simply not good enough for her and a little bit immature. Last year, at party, she bumped into an old coworker who left for another company. And he kept on complimenting her for being outspoken and determined. At the end of the evening, he invited her for a drink, and now, she’s engaged to him.

The things we do also help us attracting people. Another friend of mine left her job as a lawyer to become a cook, an excellent one. She kept on collecting disastrous dates with men until she made that change in her life. Before being a cook, she was moody, always tired, and often upset about her professional life. Changing the direction of her life helped her to become positive again, and her passion for food fulfilled her and gave her the energy she lacked when she was a lawyer. One year after she opened her restaurant, a male journalist asked her to meet her and write a review on her cuisine. He wasn’t very objective, because when he arrived at her restaurant, he kept on complimenting my friend, because his mother just fell in love with her cuisine. He also told he she was beautiful. And asked her for a date. She’s also engaged to him now…

As for me, since I won my award as a journalist, I just feel a little more peaceful. I’ve received two invitations from two different men. We’ll see what will happen.

The key is to love ourselves. And to help us loving ourselves, by doing the things we love.

celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The wrong place

Recently, a guy I met during a seminar sent me an email, asking me out for a drink. I said yes, but I got disappointed when he told me to choose from the three bars he picked for our date.

The three bars he selected are fine if you want to hang out with your friends late at night, after a restaurant or another kind of gathering activity like that.  But these are absolutely not appropriate if you want to meet someone for the first time. Because these are very noisy and very crowded. “But that’s fine, because if he’s boring, you can easily lose him in the crowd” said one of my friends.

The truth is, many years ago, I had a first date in one of the three bars he picked. I let my date choose the location, and I didn’t know about it.

When I entered the room, there was a jazz band playing live. I took a glance at the list of drinks, and there were only alcohols. Whenever my date tried to talk to me, I couldn’t hear him. He couldn’t hear me either. So after twenty minutes, we left for another place.

So, I know it’s not a great place for a date, unless if you really want to have a drink, literally. And don’t want to talk.

The two others bars were a bit of the same. Therefore, I decided to cancel the date.

A male friend of mine told me the guy wasn’t that interested, because if it was the case, he would have let me pick the place, or he would have pick a place very near my work or my home. “I went to the bar next to my future wife’s work when we had our first date. I just wanted to see her he said.

Or even better. S., my ex, invited me to listen to Milan Kundera while he was in our town. Unfortunately, I was busy that night and I had to decline the invitation. But it touched me, because I really like this writer. For our official first date, he let me choose the bar.

B., for our first date, asked me to join him in the park just nearby my home, so we could have a walk.

Those were just effortless for me.

But from the start, I knew they just wanted to see me. Here, it was just a sign he didn’t actually want to talk to me.