broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The Fear of getting alone

In this speech, Sherry Turkle explains how texts, tweets, and Facebook distort our capacity for self-reflection.  She says it’s important to learn how to be alone, without the help of technology, because this is how we learn about ourselves and learn to appreciate other people for who they are.

When we don’t want to be alone because we fear loneliness, we jump into all kind of relationships that are not good for us. This is the case for rebound relationships. We don’t do ourselves a favor here, because we just pick someone who will love us back, no matter who she/he is. No wonder why these relationships are doomed from the beginning.

This is also the case when we suffer from our celibacy and wish we had someone in our life. In this case too, anybody could fill this role. And this is the path for a disastrous relationship too.

Rushing into a relationship because we don’t want to be alone is foolish, and sometimes dangerous. We can fall into the trap of an abusive relationship or simply take the risk of having our heart broken because we didn’t see the warning signs of the ill-fated relationship.

After I left J., I got into a new relationship straight away with a guy I knew from work, and who had a crush on me for a long time.  I didn’t really like the guy, but I was afraid to end up alone, so I stayed with him for six months, until I realized I couldn’t stand him anymore. But he didn’t want me to let him go, and harassed me on the phone and on internet” G., 36, said.

This is why it’s important to know what we expect from our significant other. And we only know that because we know how to learn about ourselves.

Of course, when we know about that, we can eliminate a lot of suitors. I recently had this experience, where my date was only talking about him all the time and didn’t help me at the end of the date to open the heavy door of the bar. He even joked I didn’t have enough strength in my arms. I prefer to be alone than going on a second date with this guy.

I must admit I felt a little bad after this disappointing date. Because let’s be clear, I do want to find the right guy. And it’s disappointing to collect bad dates one after the other. The feeling there’s a lot of oysters, but no pearls, would sing Counting Crows.

But again, I prefer to be alone than going on a second date with this guy. Loneliness is not that bad 🙂


2 thoughts on “The Fear of getting alone

  1. It’s hard to accept the truth, but I’ve made that mistake several times in my life… I guess when I finally make peace with loneliness, attachments will no longer bother…

  2. Dianis,
    Loneliness is not that bad, and it helps you think twice before rushing into a relationship. Besides, by rushing into a relationship, you send the wrong signals to the one you fell in love, unfortunately. Focus on yourself!

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