broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Why you’re not married?

I recently read this article on Huffington Post, where the author lists ten reasons explaining why you’re not yet married.

Basically, if you’re

  1. a bitch
  2. a slut
  3. shallow
  4. a liar
  5. not good enough
  6. selfish
  7. a mess
  8. a dude
  9. crazy
  10. godless

You don’t have any chance to get married, according to her. She insists she got divorced three times…

Is it true? No. And I find this list particularly offensive toward single women. Besides, I find around me multiple examples proving the contrary to what she said.

Many of the single women I know have children, yet, they are not married. One of my friends adopted three years ago a little boy, and she’s still not married.

A true bitch I know is married for 15 years now.

A true slut, who slept with many, many men, is about to get married.

A woman I know is not what we called a true beauty, because she’s a little bit chubby, yet, she managed to marry someone.

A friend of mine got married to a guy she kept on calling. They were friends before they started dating.

This list can go on and on.

I also know a lot of women who don’t have any of these “problems”, yet, they can’t find the right guy. Besides, we can be married to the wrong guy.

Like I said previously, it’s a question of attraction. We attract what we reflect of ourselves. If we don’t feel good enough, we will attract someone who will try to save you. If you’re crazy, the same applies. We can even get married.

I have my own explanations why women, including me, are not yet married. Here it is:

  1. We’re still in love with our ex. Since her ex left her four years ago, F., 36, hasn’t been able to keep a relationship. T.’s husband died ten years ago in a car accident, and since then, she only had affairs, but never a committed relationship.
  2. We’re involved in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable man, who doesn’t want to commit into something serious.
  3. We can’t find our equal, because around us, we only find men who are not good enough.
  4. We don’t have the time to find someone, and we find dating sites creepy. And blind dates suck.
  5. We use too much technology, and don’t know how to make a real relationship out of it. If we texts too much, email too much, only tweets or use facebook to communicate with a man, this is the path of disaster for a relationship. You can only feel if you’re with the right guy if you’re a real situation with him. Not on Facebook, where you just shows what you want to show. And so does he.
  6. You simply don’t want to get married.

I may forget some reasons. So, have your say if you see something missing. Or simply explain why you  can’t find the right guy.

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celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The difficulties to keep it secret

Francois Hollande, the new French president, and the first lady of France, used to date secretly until 2010, when their relationship became public.

They started their affair in 2005, while both were still in another relationship. But even after Hollande was ousted from his relationship in 2007, they didn’t disclose their bond. As a journalist, Valerie Trierweiler probably knew she would be put under scrutiny, especially since she was specialized in  french politics. In some countries, journalists are asked to resign if they are involved in a relationship with a politician or a CEO. In my country, it’s not the case. In France, journalists who are married to politicians are often asked to step down. Many TV news presenters were dismissed from their role when their husband were part of the government. But they reclaimed their role when their husband’s party lost the elections, for some of them.

As Trierweiler said, she was proud to raise her three kids with her own financial means. So, she had a lot to lose if her relationship with Francois Hollande was known.

Yet, it’s not easy to keep a relationship secret. Simply because we betray ourselves with our feelings. We just can’t hide when we’re into someone. The first clue is generally how we look at each other, especially in public. That’s how I knew two of my friends were dating. Because he stared at her very kindly when I was speaking to him at a party, while she was busy in another room chatting with another friend of mine. That was obvious he was in love with her. Later, they told me they were dating, but kept it secret because she was still married to a guy I truly hated and who treated her very badly.

The second clue is when you mention your significant other in the conversation, without any particular reason. For instance, once, a friend of mine mentioned in his speech the name of his fiancee, without any particular reason. When he realized that, the whole crowd was laughing.

The third one is when you follow your significant other like a lost puppy, and feel disoriented when he/she’s not next to you. In a recent meeting I attended, I noticed the strange ballet between a lawyer and one of the women of the marketing staff of another company. She was constantly moving in the room to talk to people, and he followed her everywhere. Sometimes, when he was called by some of his contacts, he asked her to come near him and introduced her to everybody. When she had to leave because her boss needed her at the office, he insisted to accompany her outside. And when he came back to the meeting, he looked a bit lost. Ten minutes later, he was gone. I later learned they were together. But not officially.

The fourth clue is when you literally act like a couple when you are together. I was recently invited to a gala dinner where there was just another woman at my table, among all the males. She was accompanying one of the guys, but she insisted she was just there for professional reasons, although he invited her. He left her alone at our table because one of his contacts asked him to join him at the bar, and she started chatting with me, but also with the other men at my table. We were really enjoying ourselves because they were very good company. Suddenly, he came back to us, and started to talk to her exclusively. When the food arrived, she gave him her meat, without telling him anything, and he gave her his vegetables, without asking her. And of course, they left the table together.

Later, I bumped on her in the ladies room. And when I got out of it, and took the stairs to return to my seat, I noticed he was standing near the staircase. He was waiting for her. I learned later they were married, to other people.

So, yes, it’s extremely difficult to keep a relationship secret. Especially since we’re two in this boat, and that there will always be one of the two who will ruin the secrecy, unconsciously.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, relationships, thoughts, women

Losing weight and losing love

When people lose a lot of weight, they sometimes have a hard time accepting who they become. Because you feel like someone new when you lose a lot of weight, especially when you were considered as obese by your doctor. Your body, after you lose all those kilos, feel light and you’re able to do things your older weight didn’t allow you to do, at the risk of your articulations.

Because this change of weight forces us to adjust ourselves mentally to it,  we can feel disconnected from our personality for a while. This can cause trouble in your relationship with your significant other.

She was not fat, but she wanted to fit into a size zero. So, she put herself in a heavy diet. And eight months later, she reached her goal. But she wasn’t the same anymore. Before, she was a little bit chubby, but she was full of life and was a really good company. When she lost all her weight, she became obsessed with staying slim, and that made her often moody. She became difficult to go out with. We couldn’t go to our friends ‘places without having her criticizing the meal all of the time. And our friends became annoyed with her attitude. At the restaurant, she didn’t want to eat more than the starter. And she also insisted I didn’t eat my food in front of her when we were at home. She wasn’t herself anymore. One year later, I decided to call it quits with her, because I had enough. I wanted her old self back. But she didn’t want to change” R. said.

Some people don’t change that much when they lose weight. “I lost a lot of weight thanks to surgery. And it allowed me to do sport, because when I was fat, I had a hard time even walking. It made me more happy, and I felt desirable for the first time” H.said. “But my man became suddenly possessive with me. He was constantly asking me where I was going. He hated when I went out with my friends and was very jealous of all the men who looked at me. He told me he felt I didn’t love him anymore since I lost my weight” she added. “Before, I was not feeling confident. And I relied a lot on him for my happiness. But then, I discovered I could be happy on my own. I thought he would appreciate the new me. But he didn’t react the right way” she said. She’s now separated from him. And found a man who appreciates her independency.

The things we do attract or repeal people. This is the rule of attraction. When we lose weight, we do something that has an impact on us, but also on the people who surround us.

So, do you feel comfortable with your weight?

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broken heart, life, love, men, thoughts, women

Jealous of his ex (hard to handle)

Various French newspapers report Valerie Trierweiler, the new first lady in France, is overly jealous of François  Hollande’s ex, Ségolène Royal. Things heated between the two women at a recent meeting where Trierweiler used the numerous cameras in the room to show a peaceful image of the two shaking hands. But later, Royal complained she felt forced to do this.

The first lady of France has been with the newly elected president for 7 years now. Back in 2005, François Hollande was still with  Ségolène Royal, who ran for president in 2007 against Nicolas Sarkozy. During a TV show, Arnaud Montebourg, Royal’s then-ally, said back then that the biggest hurdle for her in the presidency race was his husband, Hollande. But at the time, Hollande wasn’t even thinking about running for the French presidency. Because he was simply lost and went through a desert crossing politically speaking. He was isolated from the socialist Party. In France, he was nicknamed Flamby or fraise des bois, because of his lack of charisma.

In 2011, Hollande came back into the political scene in France when he ran for the election of the socialist candidate for the national presidency race. Royal was also in the race, but she failed to collect enough voices.

So, Trierweiler and Hollande were already seeing each other while he was still with Royal. But the ex was still acting as if her union was solid in 2007. She even told journalists they would get married (they were never married) in 2007.

It was a messy situation from the start.

Their relationship only came to light in 2010. Before, they kept it secret. But it must have been tough for her, because as a journalist, she knew she could be disqualified for dating a politician. Especially since she was specialized in French politics. It wouldn’t be a problem if she reported on finance, sport, culture,…

Plus, Royal is still and will remain in François Hollande’s entourage. Because she’s the mother of their 4 children. And because she belongs to the same world than him. This is not the case for the First Lady. Because journalists are mostly observers. Some people don’t agree with me, because they say journalists and politicians often meet each other. During the day and during evening events.

So, Hollande and Royal keep a bond with each other. And this is difficult to bear for the person who occupies his heart now.

Recently, i read on a forum the comment of a woman who was mad after her man because she found old pictures of his ex in a remote box stocked in his basement. It just shows how difficult it is to cope with our significant other’s love past.

In that case, the ex belongs to the past, especially if the guy has lost all contacts with her.  But here, it’s more difficult, because the ex remains in the picture.

Personally, I think jealousy is poisonous in this situation. And it just gives to the ex exactly what we fear: power.

By being jealous of his ex, we only point out to our significant other that she may be better than us, unfortunately. I don’t know if there’s a good strategy for handling the ex. Mine would simply be to ignore her, just be polite with her if there’s an encounter, and ask him to change subject if he talks about her.

What would you do?

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Coming back to life

When the teeth of life bite us, we have two options: to give up and die, or fight back. 

I recently went to lunch with two very different men, who shared the same experience. Both were let go three years ago from their job. But they took a very different path afterward.

The first one decided to sue his former employee, because he was fired for a fallacious reason. He decided to come back to journalism, as a free lance. At the beginning, our newsroom was his sole source of revenue, but he quickly gained new contracts as his name began to circulate among other newsrooms, thanks to his first articles in ours. 

He told me recently he was very anxious when he started with us. Because it was a new start, and he knew he didn’t have many chances to make it through. But now, he’s succeeding. And he even found an agreement with his former company, who accepted to write him a big check if he accepted to drop his charges against them.

He recently got married, and his wife is about to give birth to their first child (it’s a girl).

The second man chose a different way. But he had no financial worries, as he owns two buildings which give him steady rent revenues.  He also collects money from the state, because he lost his job. And with that money, he started to study again, but recently quit his studies and stopped his unemployment benefits. 

He has also traveled a lot, and scored as much as he could with all the women he met during his trips. He told me he has a girlfriend now, who’s almost 20 years younger than him. But she doesn’t live in the same country and they barely see each other. He wasn’t even able to tell the color of her eyes. 

He recently told me he wished he had a job again. But he’s not really making any effort to get one. 

So, if you had to choose one of these two man, who would you follow?

Winning is more appealing, isn’t it? 

But this is also the rule for attraction. The first man will attract a confident woman who’s looking for love. The second one will attract a woman who will try to change him. Or a spineless wimp.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, miscellaneous, relationships, thoughts, women

An independent mother’s day

With the oil prices about 96 dollars for the WTI and 113 dollars for the Brent, the cost of life has risen for everyone. But it hurts the most those who can’t stretch their earnings. Among those people, we found the single moms.

One of my friends divorced three years ago, and  recently went to court to raise her spousal support, because she found it hard to raise her kids financially. “I can’t tell them to cut back their activities because I can’t drive them and want to save on gasoline” she said. But luckily for my friend, who’s a social assistant, she doesn’t have to worry about her rent.

This isn’t the case of another friend of mine, who complains her rent keeps on increasing with the higher consumer price index. “If it continues to increase, I wouldn’t be able to pay my rent, or I would be forced to make some economies, but that will be difficult to explain to my children” she said.

One of my friends told me her mother struggled to raise him and his two sisters when they were younger. “My mom worked hard, but she was always depressed. Her only pleasure was to watch the sole TV show our TV, which had only two channels at the time, on sundays, eating a can of sausages. Apart from that, she saved on every penny she could. At school, of course, it was difficult, because we were the poor among the other children” he said. His father rejected his family when he was 9 because they weren’t “catholic” enough. He refused to pay any spousal support to his ex-wife.

It didn’t hinder my friend to become what he is right now. But I do believe we fight harder than the other who have a better luck in life at the start when we’re not necessarily financially gifted.

Times are tough for single moms right now. Is this the cost of independence?

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celibacy, life, love, relationships, thoughts, wacky, women

A strange bond (brothers/sisters or lovers?)

When I was in India, I was intrigued at the beginning of my trip by two of my travel companions. I thought they were a couple, until I spoke to them. They rapidly told me they were brother and sister, but admitted no one believes them and everyone thinks they are a couple. The truth is, among all my friends, I don’t see them traveling abroad with their family, unless if it is for a special occasion like a wedding.

Do you travel with your sister?” they asked me. I replied my sister is married, thus she travels with her husband now. “We’re not yet married, so we can still travel together” they replied. Among my single friends, most of them travel with their friends, but rarely with their family. Recently, a friend of mine went to Argentina during three months, with her best friend. Her sister didn’t accompany her. Another one traveled to Hawaii with her best friends too, but her brother stayed in my country.

When I got back in my country, I heard another conversation of the same kind. The woman in my elevator was speaking to her coworker about the recent house purchase she made with her brother. They decided to have their own floor, so they had to build two bathrooms, two living rooms, two kitchen in their house.

Roommates can be easily accepted when you get into a relationship with someone else. So, it doesn’t matter here if your roommate is your brother or your sister. But the bond you create with your siblings can hinder your relationship too. Especially if your sibling acts like a jealous boyfriend/ girlfriend.

I met once a charming man in a dinner with friends. But during the dinner, my brother was constantly taking food off my plate, and sometimes, gave me some of his food so I could taste it. I could see on my potential lover’s face something bothered him about this. For the rest of the evening, he wouldn’t want to talk to me. Later, I learned he told one my friends I had a sick bond with my brother” T., 34. said.

When my brother started in his new company, he asked me to accompany him to his numerous cocktails. He needed my company because he barely knew anyone at this work place back then. But I found it really weird to accompany him, because around us, all of his coworkers brought their wife or fiancee. It looked as if we were a couple. I quickly told my brother I wouldn’t accompany him anymore.” K., 37, said.

When people around you start to ask you about your bond with your sibling, maybe this is the warning sign there’s something wrong. Normally, we just know when it’s a normal brother and sister relationship, and when it’s not.

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