celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The first words

The first words you say can lead people to judge you quickly.

Recently, a man I met in a seminar about emerging markets asked me what was my religion. It was his first words to me. I have never spoken to him before. The guy wasn’t a priest, he was a fund manager. So, this was really weird.

Later, he found my room number and woke me up at 1am to have a drink with him. I refused. The next day, he came to my table and asked me if I was the woman he woke up at 1am. I looked at him and asked him what the hell he was doing. He disappeared. But during the two next days, he was constantly following me everywhere, and I had to find ways to lose him. At the end of the seminar, I refused to give him my contact details. He found me on skype. I didn’t accept him. Luckily, he didn’t find me on Facebook.

From his first words, I could tell the guy was a little bit wacko. I later learned he also pursued another woman during that seminar.

Earlier, when I was in New York, I met a journalist who asked me if I knew what was the name of the CEO of Goldman Sachs. He was fooling around with another journalist on this topic, and turned to me who was sitting two tables apart from them to ask that question. When I replied, his face lighted up and he told me “Wow, you knew the answer straight away, while I was battling for 30 minutes to find that name. Thank you for saving me“. I laughed. After that, I went out with his group all of the time, and we exchanged our contact details at the end of the stay. But while I was hugging all the other journalists from our group, I just shook hands with him, I can’t explain why.

So, are the first words we say important? I would say yes. Sometimes, it can tell you where your relationship is headed. A friend of mine, who just broke up with her man, told me his first words to her were:”are you sure about your hair color?“. Her ex wasn’t a hairdresser, BTW.

celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Hard to understand

Recently, one of my friends told me she cut off all contacts with a guy she had been more or less dating over the past year. She met him one year ago at a party. Her friends introduced her to him, and even mentioned he could be the father of her children…

They chatted a long time during that party, and he invited her to the restaurant for a real date. My friend told me he talked a lot about himself during that date, and she was a bit annoyed by him. But he invited her to have a walk in a park for a second date, and she accepted.

After one month, she got invited to a barbecue where all his family was present, including his two young children.  And then, he disappeared, and never called my friend. “Who does that?” she asked. “I would never introduced someone to my parents like that” she added. Indeed, your family can be curious about the people you introduce to them.

My friend felt rejected of course, but she moved on quickly Three months later, he contacted her again.  She accepted to go and have a drink with him. The conversation was a bit awkward, because he kept on criticizing my friend and put all the responsibility of their failed relationship on her shoulder. He told her she would never be a good example for his kids, as she was partying a lot (that’s not true), and that she was aloof, because she didn’t reply immediately to his calls and SMS.

As my friend protested, he replied to her he was fragile and not over his divorce. My friend left him after that. And she cut all contacts with him again. Four months passed, until she met him at a party. There, he apologized for being such a fool, and told her he had been going out a lot lately. He began to serenade my friend, saying she was the light of his sinister life. But my friend replied to him she had enough of him.

Later, I learned a bit more about her troubled man, thanks to someone who works with him. He’s a former photographer, who quit his job because he got traumatized by what he saw, and he works now for an insurance company.

My friend, who’s a social worker, was seen as a perfect match for him. Personally, I believe she deserves better than that.

broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Lover by default

Recently, I met my cousin’s boyfriend for the first time, and I was a bit skeptical about her choice, since I know what kind of men she fancies in general. Last year, she couldn’t stop staring at the photographer at my sister’s wedding, a tall, athletic guy with a big smile and a goofy sense of humor. All of her previous boyfriends were a bit like him. Here, her new man is a complete turn from her love past. He’s the typical guido, for those of you who watch Jersey Shores, you would know what I mean. He speaks very loudly, is very bossy, and doesn’t really care about her. She obeys to him. When I met her for lunch, she was constantly watching the time because she had a barbecue and he was waiting for her. My other cousin, who was with us, told her it was a bit rude to me, because I don’t visit her that often (she lives in the USA, I live in Europe).

Why do we pick lover we would never go for in normal time?

There are different reasons for this. The first one can be resignation. “I kept on falling for the same type of guys who were handsome, but selfish and superficial. Until I met J. at work. He wasn’t what we can call an Apollo. He was a bit overweighted and had a curious sense of fashion. But he had a lot of humor, and he could listen to me for hours. So, I decided to give it a try. And so far, I’m convinced I made the best choice” K., 36, said.

The second one is weakness. “I met H. when I was in a low point in my existence. I hated my job, but I couldn’t see what I can do next. My father has just passed away. So when H. came into my life, with his big smile and his precious advices, I thought he was my savior. He wasn’t the type of men I usually fancy. He was short, bald, chubby. But he had a huge sense of humor that compensates everything else. Unfortunately, it turned out he was also a liar. I was defenseless at the time, I couldn’t see his manipulative ways straight ahead.”Y., 40, said.

Then, there’s the friend turned into a lover. By accident.”O. was a good friend of mine who was always there when I needed him, including when I needed a shoulder to cry on after my many many ill fated relationships. I met him at a party five years ago, but nothing happened between us because we weren’t attracted by each other. We’ve decided to stay friends since then. After another breakup with an emotionally unavailable man, I turned to him again to complain about men. This time, he pushed me to get out and we ended up at a party. I was drunk at the end of the night, and I didn’t remember anything, until I woke up in his bed the next morning. I ran away while he was still sleeping. But three days later, we decided to start something together” I.,35, said.

In my cousin’s case, her boyfriend was the friend who hung around her. I’m not saying this is a reasoned choice here. It doesn’t seem like it.

But sometimes, the man we choose by default is also the sign we grow up. If we choose it for good reasons.