broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

If you could go back in time

In France, there’s a comedy #1 at the box office right now called Camille rewinds. It’s about a 47 year old actress who faints on New Year’s Eve and wakes up the next day 25 years earlier.

At that time, she still has her parents and is about to fall in love with the man who will leave her 25 years later for a younger woman. The movie shows her attempts to change her future by not making the same mistakes she made in the past. But she finally realized her mistakes weren’t actually ones.

As Noemi Lovsky, the film maker, said in an interview: “Camille wanted an ever-lasting, unconditional love. So did the Camille in Alfred de Musset “On ne badine pas avec l’amour”. But that Camille was concentrated on her goal, and let the man of her life pass. So, she ended up alone.  So, the Camille in my movie learns at the end that the good things, people, love and friendship don’t last forever. But that’s not a bad news“.

I saw that movie with a friend of mine who got divorced recently. She met her ex-husband at our prom night in high school (the one where my heart was broken). Three months prior that night, her father passed away. So, she was really affected to see that movie. Because her life resembles a lot the one of the main character.

After the movie, we talked a little bit about that infamous prom night. We wondered if things would have been different if she didn’t yield to her ex-husband’s advances, and if I had the guts to be more honest with the one I held dear at that time. My friend didn’t regret her choice. She’s the mother of two adorable kids. And then, she asked me if I didn’t find it weird to know my high school sweetheart is now the father of a little kid. I told her I didn’t want to make my remake of the “Young adult” movie. Besides, I’m not attracted to him anymore. So, no, I don’t regret my decision either.

Life has still many things to offer us.

broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The group that affects your love life

Group thinking has been proven in my many studies to influence a lot the way we act. We see that a lot with teenagers, who develop a dress code and even a special language between their group. I’ve heard many times  one of my friends complaining about the way his teenager dresses. “All of his friends also wears that stupid Justin Bieber hairstyle, those tight jeans and that chain coming out of their pocket. It’s like he has zero personality“he says.

Even when we’re adults, we still get influenced a lot by the group we relate to. That’s why it’s important to carefully choose your group.

When it comes to our love life, it’s also important to choose the group you’re staying with. Especially if you’re single.

Spending your time with a group of single friends, who view the opposite sex as a) losers b) idiots c) bastards … will make you think that way, and this could ruin your chance to meet the one.  One of my friends told me the story of his coworker, who spent the time bashing men on the phone at work with her girlfriends. “I could hear her say that men should be treated with no respect. That they were only good for sex and that she couldn’t expect more from them. As a result, I often saw her dressed almost like a whore when she had a date after work. And her love life got pitiful, because she only picked the wrong kind of men” he said.

Spending all of your time with men, when you’re a woman, can also be detrimental to your love life. For another kind of reason. One of my friends spent most of her time with four men, her best friends as she said. Yet, she’s still single. From time to time, their friendship doesn’t resist the test of alcohol and she has ended up sleeping with two of her friends (not a the same time!) but she never managed to turn that into a real relationship. She told me she likes spending time with them because they are sooo fun. As a social worker, she needs this kind of distraction, she said. “I see so much misery with my job, I need to clear that out of my head” she added.

But groups can have a positive effect on you too. I remember when I was a student, I needed to study among all the other students at the library. It helped me remaining concentrated. I didn’t need to speak to the others. But their quiet presence helped me to remain focused on my notes.

The same can be applied to our love life. By surrounding ourselves with people who really believe in love, this can affect the way we think about love positively.

broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Hit and miss the one you love

Four years ago, my high school sweetheart contacted me through Facebook. He found me through the social site and posted something like “hey, glad I found you again” on my wall.  I wrote him back to discover he was single, after a seven years relationship with a woman he met in Italy while he was studying.

Back then, I was in a relationship. I told him right away I had someone in my life.

He didn’t seem disappointed. He said if I had to go to London, I should contact him. I used to go to London only several times a year because I got invited by big financial firms. But usually, my schedule was full for the day and night.

But then, something happened. The financial crisis, at its height in september 2008, forced me to go to London more.  My newspaper accepted to send me there numerous times, and accepted to pay for my travels and stays. I had more spare time in the city because of that.

So, I called him. The first time I met him, he invited me to have a sandwich in a park. He came to pick me at my conference place. And we spent the lunch time chatting. We haven’t spoken to each other since high school. I was a bit mad after him when it ended. We weren’t even speaking to each other. Back then, at our school prom, he invited me to dance with him, but then asked me to leave him because he was trying to flirt with the girl who was dancing next to us.  He and I were never a couple. But we used to spend a lot of time together.

We were just friends. But he invited me everywhere. Even if he had a girlfriend. Back then, every time someone took a picture near our group, we were always standing next to each other. A friend of mine, who didn’t know him, asked me once if he was my boyfriend. I wish he was, but it was never the case.

After high school, we went our separate ways. I didn’t hear about him anymore. And I didn’t miss him at all. I guess the night of our prom, when he told me to leave him alone, I told myself not to feel anything for him anymore. Besides, I dated other guys. And he wasn’t around anymore.

The first time I saw him back, after all those years, I didn’t feel anything particular. Maybe this was because I had a relationship. If I was single, maybe I would have acted differently. But I’m not sure.

And after our first meeting, I didn’t call him often to see him whenever I was in London. From time to time, I would call him. I knew he had someone in his life. So, I remained distant.

Now, he’s the father of a little boy. The last time I was in London, he introduced me to his son. I never met his significant other.

I’m not sure if I want to see him again when I’m in London. He never calls me. I get this feeling that if I don’t call him, he would never go after me. In october, I will be back in the city. I will probably accept the invitation for dinner coming from my professional contacts.

The thing we left broken sixteen years ago never got fixed. And it will never be, I guess.

broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Falling into the trap of a desperate for love

Recently, a friend of mine told me she dumped her boyfriend of six months because he was too desperate for love. “I should have known there was a problem from the start with him. After our first date together, he offered me the keys to his apartment. He quickly introduced me to all his friends and I met his parents just one week after we started dating. He was constantly calling me all of the time. And left me anxious messages if I didn’t answer my phone. On Facebook, he kept on posting links to music videos, cute cats, … on my wall” she said.

At first, my friend, who got out of a relationship with an afraid of commitment type of men, found her new lover comforting. But then, she realized he was more obsessed about having her than really loving her. And she grew tired of him.

There are people desperate for love. They will do anything, beyond the limit of rationality, to have someone in their life.  They’re just trying to solve their big insecurities with their significant other. And some of them can’t stand when it’s over and harass their ex, begging them to take them back.

This is for the worst case scenario.

Some other desperate for love turn after a few month into a cold and distant person too. Another friend of mine got dumped by a guy who made her every promise in the world. “He was very protective,  caring, loving, full of attentions, … at the beginning of our relationship. He would invite me to go with him on a weekend many times, send me flowers at my office, calling me just to hear my voice. He was really the dream guy. But then, all of a sudden, he became distant with me. Three weeks later, he told me it was over. He said he was not the man I was looking for. I was shocked” she said.

Any sign the relationship is going too fast should raise our attention. But it’s also our own responsibility if the relationship goes too fast.

It’s possible to slow things down. The only way is to keep living your social life and not exclude you from the world to live your passion.  The best way to shoot down your relationship is to spend all your time with the one you love from day one.  If the one you love can’t accept your life, then, it should be worrying you.

broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Catch him and keep him

A friend of mine recently told me the unfortunate experience her friend is going through. She finally got the man she was in love with, but three weeks later, he slipped through her fingers to get back with his ex, who’s the mother of their two children. Since then, her friend has tried to get him back. But she did it the wrong way by harassing him on Facebook.

My friend told me she copied and pasted her conversation with her ex on Facebook, and then sent it to his two daughters.

She’s smart, beautiful, and funny. But when she falls in love, she doesn’t act rational anymore” says my friend. “She’s jealous, possessive. She turns into a pathetic insecure bitch” she added.

Facebook can be really poisonous to your love life. But there’s one option very useful with Facebook: Show in the news list. Or not.  Unfriend is also another option.

It’s difficult to see our ex getting friend with new women, or pictures of him with his new lover. My friend says her friend spies the profile of every new woman her ex is friend with on Facebook. Of course, it makes her mad.

So, no, don’t follow his news feed anymore. Delete that option.

Plus, if you want to get back with your ex, turning into a psychotic obsessed bitch is not an option. It would only make him run away. And you should never ever criticize his new woman, nor the ex he got back to. The best way to react to this is to ignore her completely.

Yes, we do suffer after a break up. I can truly understand the pain my friend’s friend is going through.

She fell in love with him 17 years ago, and she couldn’t forget about him. When she finally got him, she screwed up by being jealous, mean, and possessive.  And she lost what she’s been hoping for for years.

The key is never to show him you’re hurt. If you want compassion, turn to your friends and family. It’s OK to suffer after a break up. It’s OK to search for help.  But don’t show it to him.