broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Competing with your significant other

Recently, a friend of mine complained about the high competition in his company. “We fight all the time with each other because of deals. And they are all jealous of each other each time someone gets a new deal” he said. I replied it’s just human nature. When I won my award earlier this year, almost nobody congratulated me in my newsroom. I got comments like “Oh, I was also thinking about writing an article on your topic” or “That’s easy to win such an award when you know the jury” etc. The ones who congratulated me the most were those coming from rival firms.

I told him even couples compete with each other and get jealous over the success each other can get. “With my ex-wife, there was competition like that” he admitted. “She started to write for a magazine. But she wasn’t very confident, so she asked for my help. I ended up writing my articles under her name until she eventually stopped writing. I took over her. And she got jealous of me. Because I had more success than her” he said.

In my newsroom, I’ve often seen couples cooperating like that. A former coworker of mine used to let her husband (who was my editor at the time) complete her articles. But she never stopped writing. Eventually, she left my newsroom for another one. And her career is still on the right track. He, on the other hand, remains in the dark. She’s more successful than him.

Another couple in my newsroom works in tandem. They both follow the technology sector. But she’s a bit lazy and often let her husband write her articles instead of her. Yet, she’s still writing. And he’s not overshadowing her. Because he’s not motivated.

In the last case, it’s clear that this competition is taking a drain on my male coworker. When he was hired, he was a really promising journalist. But then, he started dating her, and he’s not motivated anymore by his work.

Is there a way to avoid competing with your significant other? Yes, but it implies an effort from both parties. And I believe it’s easier if you’re not evolving in the same field than your significant other. A friend of mine is a successful journalist and has the full support of his wife, who’s a well-known soprano. He’s also her biggest fan.

The problem starts when you get jealous of your significant other’s success. We may not know we’re jealous. Some of us can even sabotage their significant other. This is not the sign of a healthy relationship.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts

Unfriend your ex on Facebook

Image from Obit Mag.

I’ve read recently an article about why it’s important to unfriend our ex on Facebook.

Facebook allows us to have a constant look on our ex’s life if he/she publishes a lot of news.  Around me, I’ve heard many stories of people who go ballistic whenever they see pictures of their ex with their new significant other. This has only one effect: make us feel miserable.  “Two weeks after we broke up, he changed his status into “in a relationship”. And one week later, he published pictures of him and his new girlfriend on holiday in Italy. I kept on looking at them and couldn’t help crying” said a friend of mine.

Another friend of mine gets suspicious every time her ex adds a new female friend on his profile. And of course, she keeps on going on her ex’s profile on Facebook. Needless to say, this doesn’t help her at all to move on.

Personally, I haven’t unfriend my ex’s on FB. Because there’s another option called:  Show in the news list. Just tick off that option and your ex will disappear from your Facebook page. This also applies for the friends you don’t want to know about (example: those who put thousands of images of their cats/ dogs,…). It’s a precious option less harmful that the unfriend button.

Besides, there’s another problem with Facebook: your own friends friend with your ex. Those who haven’t unfriended or unsubscribed your ex and who won’t hesitate to ask you questions like :”Did you know that your ex is in Poland right now?“. But generally, if you tell them not to bother you with that kind of questions, they will avoid to do this again.

I have also a friend of mine who posts pictures of him in every professional cocktail he’s invited to, where I can see one of my ex’s with his new significant other. So, I had to remove my friend from the news list too.  Yes, pruning that friend list can lead to make decisions like that.

A friend of mine has another solution: quit Facebook. “There’s the telephone, for godsake!” she said. “If I want to know how my friends are going, I just call them, or send them an email” she added.

Facebook and Twitter have those nasty properties to make us forget about the privacy in our life. And it’s addictive, unfortunately.  But it’s important to be careful about what you publish online.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, sex, thoughts, wacky, women

The sexual turnoff

Recently, a friend of mine told me she panicked when she discovered the man she was dating had a piercing on his penis. She said she managed to get out of his house and dumped him the next day. “I don’t even want to give it a try. That’s a definite no-no” she said.

She met him at a bar four weeks ago. He made her laugh, so she decided to have a date with him. He was ten years younger than her, and she said she wasn’t comfortable that much with his look, which was special. She said she should have stick to her first impression and left the guy alone. But she wanted to know him a little bit better.

I asked her if she told him what was bothering her. But she replied she doesn’t believe he would take it off just because she doesn’t want that inside of her.

Another friend of mine told me the same story. The woman he was dating had a piercing on her clitoris. She didn’t hide it from him. She tried to arouse him by telling him about this detail. But it made the exact opposite effect on my friend. He said the thought of sleeping with her completely turned him off. And so, he broke off with her.

In both cases, I can’t help thinking this is a bit shallow. We don’t break up for just a detail. Besides, people can get bored of their piercings and remove them. But my two friends were at a time where they just broke off with their long term partner. These were their rebound relationship.

What if they really like their pierced partner? I guess the only way in this situation is to communicate on this topic. You can say you’re afraid to get physically hurt by this. If the other person understands this, maybe it’s possible to find a compromise.

But to be fair with my friends, I must admit I would find it awkward too.

What would you do?

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

A bad date at the restaurant

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Last month, I went to a restaurant with a friend of mine I haven’t seen for a long time. Our table was really close to the next one, where there was a couple who barely spoke to each other.The man even started to listen to our conversation. They eventually left ten minutes later. My friend said she was glad they were gone, because she began to feel uncomfortable speaking to me as the man was listening to us.

Strangely enough, three weeks later, I found myself in the same awkward situation as the couple. My date for the evening barely spoke to me. He was too busy typing on his blackberry. And from time to time, he would try to be polite and talk to me. This wasn’t actually talks. He was complaining about his daughter, who never answers his messages. All his conversation revolved around that topic.

Next to our table, there was an old couple who seemed to enjoy their meal way better than my date and I. They were whispering things to each other and laughed a lot. I heard them talk about their last holidays together, where they had bad luck with the weather, but it made them laugh. And there is was: I received that night a lesson of life.

Lack of conversation at the restaurant is often  a sign of a relationship that is going nowhere. Sadly, it shows a huge problem of communication. It doesn’t mean it’s the end of the relationship. But it’s a big warning signal there’s a problem out there.

Going out to the restaurant with your significant other should be a quality moment. A restaurant is a place where you enjoy good food but share also some conversation. Those two elements go hand in hand to define a quality moment.

So, drop the cellphone. 😉 And make an effort for your look.

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celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Alone in the city

Last saturday, I went to have lunch with my sister and her husband at a small restaurant in my city, located in the trendiest neighborhood. All the tables were full. Among us, there were families and groups of young people. But there was also a lonely man sitting next to our table. He looked as if he was 40 year old or something like that. While we were eating, I noticed he was listening to our conversation.  I haven’t seen my sister for a long period, so we had a lot to chat about.

We could have invited him to join us at our table. But by the time we realized he was listening to us, he left his table and went outside.

This is not the first time I see this in the city.

A friend of mine, who owns her restaurant, tells me she often gets orders from single men at her restaurant. They don’t come and eat at her place, but they order take away food and eat that alone in their house or their apartment, with probably the company of their television and /or their cat or dog. Not everyone seems comfortable eating alone.

I’ve done it too, eating alone. It’s not something I often do. Once, I was too early for my second evening appointment, and I was really hungry. So I stopped at a sushi bar and ate there alone. I realized I wasn’t the only one to do so in that restaurant.

I’ve noticed people are shy at the restaurant. If you’re alone, no one will dare come to speak to you. This is the case in my country. We don’t have bars where you can sit and talk to the bartender while you’re eating.

People get more accessible in the summer, where everyone takes his lunch to the nearest park. Not so long ago, I was sitting on a bench eating my sandwich, when a man came sitting next to me with his lunch. And while he was eating, he was trying to speak to me. I got a call from work, urging me to go back to my office. So I had to shorten the conversation. He didn’t ask for my number. So, I guess he wasn’t interested. Besides, he only talked about the park, about the weather, and about him. He never asked a question to me.

Things are different when you’re in a seminar abroad. I’ve been to numerous seminars where I thought I was going to eat alone, but then, people seat around me. Some of my friends told me that’s how they met their significant other. Because when we travel abroad for professional reasons, we often travel alone. This is my case. But most people do. That’s why we’re more eager to talk to other people.

In our everyday life, that’s a different story. Maybe this is why people eat alone in my city, and no one comes to break that loneliness.

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