broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Leaving for another man

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Recently, a friend of mine called me because he wanted to talk. His long term partner left him for her boss. My friend told me he felt powerless. But as a man, I bet he would be soon in another relationship, a rebound one.

Some women choose to leave their man for another one who’s been pursuing them. I don’t believe people would leave the comfort of their relationship for someone who doesn’t give a damn about us.

Most of the time, women leave for their lover.

Yet, it’s never easy for those who leave their relationship for a new one. Because we can feel extremely guilty about it.

It’s particularly complicated if there are kids involved. A friend of mine told me her two sons started reacting very strange when she left their father for another man. Her two kids saw their dad devastated and didn’t understand what was going on. Plus, the two kids didn’t like their mom’s new boyfriend at the beginning of their relationship, because as they told my friend “he stole you away from daddy“.

The man you leave your relationship for plays an important role here. If he’s the right person, he will try his best to make it easy for you.

That’s why some couples who form on the ashes of a previous relationship can be strong.

But sometimes, things don’t turn the way you expect it. Love makes us blind. And at the beginning of a relationship, we don’t necessarily see the real nature of the object of our affection. This is why some women wait for years with their lovers before they decide to leave their husband.

By rushing the relationship, we face the risk of being very disappointed if the man we fall in love turns out to be a cheating liar or an emotionally-unavailable man.

This is what I did. I left a long term relationship for another man, who turned out to be a cheating liar.

On the other hand, a friend of mine left her abusive relationship for another man she met in a seminar. She didn’t know him very well before jumping into this relationship, but for her, it was the right decision.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The date catastrophe

date_0First dates are never easy, especially if it’s a blind date. Even if you exchanged a lot of emails on dating sites with your future date, your first date in real life can be really disappointing.

Recently, I had a bad date again with a guy who seemed absolutely charming on internet. He was funny, witty, and seemed caring on internet. When I met him on our date, I found a very cold person who didn’t talk much and let me do the conversation. I asked him a lot of questions about himself, but he didn’t ask me any. I tried to be funny, but he didn’t laugh. And instead of inviting me for a drink, he proposed we went for a walk in the park , even if it was cold outside and I was starting to get sick. When we sat on a bench, he sat very far from me, and had his arms closed all of the time.

I guess he wasn’t attracted at all by me.

After one hour and an half of painful conversation, he decided to move back to where we came from. On our way back, we didn’t say a thing. I kissed him goodbye and went back to my car, without looking back at him. I knew it was useless.

Of course, he didn’t call or write me a message to thank me for the evening nor asking me if we could see each other again.

And when I think about it, I told myself I would have preferred if he didn’t come to our date at all.

Before our first date, he told me he would wait for me for half an hour and leave after if I didn’t show myself, and joked he would be sitting at the bar so if I see him and found him repelling, I could just run away.

But on the D-date, we arrived at the same time. And to be fair, he was quite handsome, so I had no reason to go away.

I had other dates where my date was not handsome at all. And I didn’t run away either. And some were rude to me. That made me run away.

One of them let me pay the bill. For all of us.  Another one decided to stop talking in French in the middle of the conversation. And another one was fine, until at the end of the date, he let me open the heavy door and laughed I couldn’t open it.  Just before me, a woman also tried to open the door, and failed, but her man came to the rescue and kissed her. My date didn’t offer any help.

What is your worst first date?

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The emotionally unavailable man

sex_and_the_city17Unfortunately for most women, we all dated at some point in our life an emotionally unavailable man. How do we know he’s unavailable? The most obvious signs are when he’s really absent from your life: he barely calls you, never return your phone calls, forgets to wish you a happy birthday, doesn’t attend your special occasions like an award, a book signing, … and doesn’t celebrate with you your milestones. He’s also the guy you can’t count on whenever life turns its back on you.

There are many explanations why he’s unavailable like that. The first one may just be simple: he’s married to someone else or in another relationship. He may also juggle several relationships while with you. In those cases, if you stay in such relationship, you face the risk of feeling unloved and getting angry on him. Unless you are also looking for a relationship with no strings attached, it’s best to leave a relationship like that. You won’t change him.

But sometimes, the guy is unavailable emotionally because of different reasons. He can shut down emotionally because he’s in the midst of a divorce or grieves a parent who just died. In those cases, it’s best not to force things. But we can’t stay in a relationship like that. A friend of mine experienced this recently. Her man was really affected by his divorce and wasn’t that affectionate with my friend. So, she told him they should call it quits but also, he could call her back when he feels better. So far, my friend hasn’t heard of him.

Then, there’s the guy who simply doesn’t love himself. Don’t expect him to love you.

Why do we choose unavailable men? I’ve noticed plenty of my friends fall for that kind of guys. Psychologists have an explanation: we don’t love ourselves that much.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, Uncategorized, women

Facebook vs reality

Facebook is dangerous to our mental health and suits better people who are narcissistic, according to several studies.

But also, try to do what you do on Facebook in real life. You won’t get exactly the same reaction from your friends and family. Some will even tell you your ego is too inflated, because in society, it’s best to keep it low, especially in my country.

For example, try to display your pictures you took on holidays during a conversation with your friends and you would see their reaction. Nobody expect to be disrupted in a conversation like that. And to be fair, when my friends come at home, I won’t show them my pictures, unless they ask for it.

Besides, yes, it’s great to see a picture of you on top of a mountain or holding an achievement. But for other people to see that, it can either cause admiration or jealousy.

To see too many pictures like that, especially if your life isn’t as great as it should be, can make you miserable.

I particularly resent when my friends post their numerous pictures of parties, holidays,… on Facebook. Partly because they remind me I’m not invited and I’m just here working long hours at the office.

That’s why I don’t go that much on Facebook. And I prefer to send my pictures to my friends who ask for it.

But to be fair, I see a particular use of Facebook, if you want to take a revenge on someone.

I’ve seen a friend of mine, since her divorce, posting pictures like crazy where she’s a at party or with friends, always smiling. I understood later she tried to show her ex she’s fine without him, as he dumped her for another woman. Hence the divorce.

I’m not mad at her for doing her best to show she’s happy. It’s the right medicine when you have your heart broken like she had.  Yet, I wonder if she’s that happy. It takes time to heal a broken heart. And I’m not sure Facebook is really helpful.

Once, someone tagged me on Facebook with pictures we took while we were in New York. I was surrounded by journalists who took as many pictures as they could. And they tagged me in pictures where I was laughing with some male journalists, and two where I was holding them as it was our last day together.

Immediately after that, two of my ex’s, who I didn’t unfriend, wrote me an email asking me how I was. Until that tag, they didn’t contact me at all. One even asked me to go and have a drink with him. But I didn’t reply to him.

The ex is probably the most difficult thing to bear on Facebook. Nobody wants to see his/her ex living a life happier than ours, especially with a new significant other. Remember that episode of Girls where Marnie looks frantically at her ex’s pictures on Facebook, with his new girlfriend? You get the picture.

But here, if you bump into your ex with his new girlfriend in a party, on the streets, or anywhere else, this can be painful too.  However, this can happen less frequently than on Facebook.

And remember this: the life we pretend on Facebook is not always as glamourous in real life. For instance, I discover a party girl, who’s friend with me on Facebook, has an impressive list of drugs, including anti-depressant in her bag recently.

There is always a side of us we don’t want to show. And that side, only our real friends can see it.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Caught red-handed by social medias

In my country, the deputy city mayor of a town I don’t want to mention got caught in the middle of a sexual act by two young people who filmed the scene and then published it on Facebook.

The video went viral and caught the attention of several newspapers who put the video on their website with many details about the politician. Even my newspaper (a blog related to it) took the information but didn’t put the video. I’m a little bit ashamed of this. They shouldn’t have mentioned this.

Today, it’s easy to be caught like that. Most of us have a smartphone and are registered to social medias (either Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, …). And among young people, some are tempted to film other people in a peculiar situation. It’s an evolution of our society, where the medias are getting more and more into the details of our private life.

I don’t know what will happen to this politician after this. Unfortunately for her, another city mayor got caught like that last year while she was abroad on vacation. And she lost the elections the next year to the conservative party candidate. I don’t know though if this explains why she lost. But it certainly played a role.

Besides, you don’t have to be caught doing the sexy to put your professional life in danger like that.

A famous weatherman in my country got caught insulting an automobilist at a crossroad. He went into a racist rant, but someone in the street filmed the scene. The next morning, he was fired from his job at his TV station.

To avoid ending up in such a situation like that, it’s best to watch your back when you’re in public.

But in the case of the deputy city mayor, she got caught in her city hall, which was deserted at the time. The two young people had nothing to do there. They claimed they saw a light in the building and went to see what was going on.

And nothing save your private life more than a close door 😉

 

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life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Opting out, such a good idea?

The New York Times wrote a wonderful piece today on women who go back to work after opting out for raising their children.

It reminded me of one of my aunts, who decided to opt out when she was pregnant with her second child.

At the time, my uncle’s business was flourishing. So, he earned enough to cover the lack of salary coming from my aunt.

But her decision to come back to work four years after deciding to stop wasn’t related to a change of economics in her couple.

Around her, she was the only woman who chose to stop working. And so, her friends and her sister-in-law, who were still working, relied a lot on her to take care of their children. Plus, at the time, her mother-in-law became ill. As a nurse, she became more and more solicited to help her.

Once, the phone rang at my house. It was her. I remember my mom trying to calm her down and telling her to come back to work. My mom also told her she would have a good excuse to avoid being used by her family-in-law and her friends who were working.

So, my aunt went back to work. Thankfully for her, she didn’t have too many difficulty getting back to her old job. She even found a better place in her hospital. And since then, she never called back my mother with issues like that.

She also made the right decision years before my uncle’s business was severely wounded by the subprime crisis. His activity, in the housing market, stopped suddenly in 2005 already. So, they relied for a while on my aunt’s salary. Until his activity started back again in 2009.

Also, my aunt gained back her financial autonomy. She went  to visit our family several times with my young cousin, without her husband who was busy working. Hadn’t she worked, she wouldn’t have been able to do so.

So, at a very young age, I was taught to be financially independent. Because of her experience.

Today, I see still some women choosing to opt out like that. One of my coworkers’s wife has chosen to stay at home while he provides the financial aid for the whole family. She calls him at least ten times a day during work and he’s sometimes moody because of that. Plus, he’s cumulating several publications to earn more money as they would welcome soon their second child. I wonder how she feels.

And I can’t help thinking relying on your man’s salary is risky, especially if you divorce.

Would you stop working to raise your child?

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celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, Uncategorized, women

The time to love in College

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Early in May, while I was traveling in the United States, I met F., a young Swiss  student who took a year off of college to travel. Alone. I took his picture in Bryce Canyon. Just after this shoot, we bumped into a Google guy who was doing pictures of the Hoodoos.

I envy F. a lot. Because at his age, I wouldn’t have dared to do so. Because at his age, I was already involved in a relationship. And I just followed my boyfriend.

When I think about my College years, I realize I have spent most of my time either studying or with my boyfriend. Apart from that, I didn’t make many friends. This was a big mistake. Because I realize most of my friends or relatives met their friends in College, and acquaintances useful for their future professional life.

Luckily for me, I did make it as a journalist without the help of my friends or family. To be honest, the only help I received came from my former manager, who was sad I didn’t make it in his company after failing the test imposed for new comers. He called me to tell me there was an ad in his newspaper I should look at. And the ad was coming from my newspaper. My newsroom looked for someone with a little knowledge of the markets. He said I should apply, because he was really proud having me in his team in the bank.

And I got picked.

But if I had to do College again, maybe I would have enjoyed more the student life instead of settling down.

However, at the time, many of my classmates were involved into a relationship too. Only the smartest ones didn’t have a permanent boyfriend and knew they wouldn’t get married until their late  20s. But now, it seems time has changed. With the uncertainty rising for young graduates, many prefer taking all their chances on their side and put their love life on the side.

A little bit like F.. He told me he was traveling to Nevada, up to Vancouver, hoping to learn to speak a perfect english. And also, meeting a lot of people. He stayed in Las Vegas, in Los Angeles, San Francisco and Seattle, in hostels all of the time, to meet new people. Not bad, for a student who picked sociology as his orientation.

Sociology is a difficult branch to get a job when you graduate. Today, civil engineers, mathematicians, computer scientists, dentists, doctors, chemists, biologists, are the orientation which will give you the most chance to find a job. For those who picked law, journalism, literature, … the job market is really tight unless you benefit from the network of your parents or your friends. The only way to improve your options is to differentiate from the other students. So, there’s not really a place for love here.

F. told me America was a real experience for him. He admitted he didn’t like that much the American thinking. He added he would be glad to come back to Switzerland.  So, I asked him if he had ever visited the national parks in the US, and he added it was the first time he was going to see Bryce Canyon, and the Grand Canyon. I added many of my friends loved these and it was the best way to appreciate the beauty of this country.

At the end of our trip, he seemed comforted. I wished him a good road ahead. And went back to my hotel.

Do you think love and College are separate business?

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