broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, Uncategorized, women

Facing your love past


Getting your ex backRecently, I was planning to go hiking in Italy, but my trip got canceled at the last minute. So my friends invited me in their house to spend a little time with them. One of my friends offered me to stay at her apartment in Paris.

During that time, I asked my former BFF to meet him in a cafe. He’s a professor of mathematics now and teaches at the Paris Sorbonne. It’s been almost 17 years we haven’t spoken to each other. And when I found him on Facebook five years ago, he didn’t reply to my message. But he remained my Facebook friend.

He never wished me a Facebook birthday nor commented on any of my posts. But in march of this year, when I posted I was in Paris, he replied. I didn’t expect it at all. We exchanged a few emails after this, and we agreed that whenever we will be in each other’s town, we would go and have a drink together.

Weeks passed, but the occasion never happened. Until that day where I ended up in Paris. He agreed to meet me in a cafe.

I was really nervous on that day. Luckily for me, my friend who invited me at her place tried to make me laugh and told me to take it lightly.

I arrived early at the cafe. There was nobody inside except the bartender. I saw a man who looked like him standing outside. I sent him an SMS asking him to go inside. And then he sit in front of me. And started to ask me a lot of questions. But his questions were just about what I become, not about why I wanted to see him.

He told me he recently started to see our former group of friends. In 2010, when I got in touch again with an old friend who was in the same classroom than I in High School, she said my former BFF got dumped in 2008 for his best friend. His ex got pregnant and got married to his best friend.

It’s been three years now he’s dating another woman. He lives with her in the borders of Belgium. He said he finally accepted the fact his ex left him for another guy, and got in touch with his former group of friends, where his ex and her husband were part of it. He got invited to the bachelor party of one of his friends.

Yet, strangely, he has asked for his transfer to another university, in the South of France, far from his former group of friends, his family, and everyone he knows. I found this a little bit sad, because at his age, he should be pushing his career forward, and not retreating like if he was about to retire. As if he was defeated.

I know this feeling. In 2010, I wanted to leave my country to start all over again far from my life. But I chose to stay, as I have a lot to lose here.

Three days before my former BFF and his ex started dating, I kissed him because he protected me against many men who wanted to hit on me at a party where I was really drunk and vulnerable. The day after, i skirted the wall when i arrived in our classroom. I remembered my nose started bleeding and I had to run back to my place. And when I arrived, I fainted. I called my mom to come and pick me up. We went to the doctor and he said I had an infectious mononucleosis. The next two weeks, I couldn’t get out of bed because of this infection. But my BFF called to see if I was OK, and he asked if I wanted to be with him. I replied I didn’t want to.

When I got back to College, he was already dating her. And he became distant with me. We used to go out with the same group of people at the time. But he stayed away from us. Weeks passed until the end of the scholar year. I failed  all my exams, and I knew I wanted to leave to start studying journalism in another town. During the summer, I registered to my new College and searched for a room in my new city. I didn’t hear about him anymore from then.

I didn’t try to get in touch with him until now.

No wonder why I was so nervous to see him again.

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One thought on “Facing your love past

  1. A couple of years back I met my ex and I had about the same feelings as you did. While it was I who suggested that we should meet I felt scared, for lack of a better term, so I’m pretty sure this is a fairly normal way to feel about meeting someone who you were interested in, or who was interested in you, years later down the line.

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