life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The perfect gift

Recently,  one of my coworkers told me her husband gave her a trip to Rome as a gift for her 30th birthday.”I was so disappointed when I saw where we were going. I felt he didn’t know me, because all I wanted was to go to the Caribbean or another place like that, with a white sands beach and  a turquoise sea” she said.

He surprised me with this gift in front of my family. So, I had to keep my disappointment to myself. But I guess he understood I was disappointed, because he explained Rome was a wonderful and romantic city. Yet, I know when we will be there, he will ask to visit museums and old monuments, while I absolutely hate this kind of holidays” she says. “Besides, when I wanted to give him a gift for his 30th Birthday, I chose something he liked, not something I wanted to do. Am I a bitch for thinking like that?” she added.

For me, it just seems both of them are selfish and don’t want to understand each other. They got married because she got pregnant with him after just one year of relationship. His parents forced him to marry her, as it would be not very appropriate to leave her like that. At the time, she complained he just gave her a ring he found in his grandmother’s attic. “There was nothing romantic about this” she said.

Since I know her, she has always been complaining about her husband. She even agreed to let him go abroad for two years for his job.

Sometimes, I wonder if she really loves him.

But I also wonder if there is a perfect gift.

Personally, I just appreciate to be with my man, because we don’t see each other that much. For me, the best gift would be his presence next to me. Or maybe the ring I will never get from him.

I guess when you’re not grateful to have what you have, you risk to lose what you have.

So, be grateful.

Nowadays, we have too many things around us. And as Sheena Iyengar said, the more choices we have, the more we can make the wrong choice and regret our choice.

Some of us are unable to know what they really need.

 

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broken heart, celibacy, dating site, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The art of choosing

Recently, I attended a conference where Columbia Business school’s professor Sheena Iyengar gave a speech about the art of choosing. She says when people have too many choices, people  postpone  their decision, make bad choices and get less satisfied by what they have chosen.

That’s why it’s important according to her to cut the options, to comfort people about their choice, to categorize the offer and to avoid complexity or make it progressive.

When it comes to love, the more choices we are given, the less we are able to pick the right person for us.

The best example of this would be dating sites. Once you’re registered, you can be contacted by hundred of different men. If they all contact you the same way, by writing to you that you look beautiful, you can feel confused and decide not to pick anyone.

This is why some men choose a different approach and try to be original. They don’t have to write poems. But when they pay attention to something written in the woman’s profile, they get a better chance to get noticed and get a response.

This is why some women also don’t find what they’re looking for on dating sites. Or pick someone who’s not the right choice for them.

One of my friends dated some of the men she met online, before marrying her best friend she has known since she was a teenager. All of the men she met online also married or got into a relationship with someone closer to them, a coworker, or a common friend. She told me she never met the right guy for her on internet.

Another friend of mine is currently dating a man she met online two years ago. She told me she chose him among five other men she met. Yet, when I see them together, I can’t help thinking she made the wrong choice, because he’s not really into her.

Does it mean we would make a better choice if we only had two or three options when it comes to love?

Not necessarily. Love is not rational.

 

 

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The place next to him

French President François Hollande has eventually announced his separation with Valerie Trierwieler. But I guess he wanted to get out of this relationship many years ago, and secretly wished she knew about his affair and make the decision to leave him.

Statistically, 70 to 80% of breakups are done by women. But I was reading recently that most men invent strategies to transfer the responsibility of the breakup to their spouse or girlfriend, even though sometimes, they’re not really aware of it.

Among those strategies, there’s infidelity. When your significant partner starts to pursue an affair with the same person behind your back, this is the sign he wants to find what he doesn’t have in his actual relationship.

So, when François Hollande started to have an affair with the actress Julie Gayet almost two years ago, maybe this is the sign he wanted to find something he didn’t find in his relationship with Trierweiler.  Maybe it’s also the sign he wanted to get out of their relationship at the time. But for a reason, Trierweiler refused to admit he was seeing someone else. I guess this is because she loves him and she didn’t want to lose him.

François Hollande’s affair started at the beginning of his presidency, when Trierweiler had difficulty adjusting to her new role. There were multiple incidents with her embarrassing him. On the day he got elected, she forced him to kiss him in front of all the people after feeling humiliated because he first ran to his ex, Segolene Royal, to hold her after his victory. Trierweiler also twitted a message against Segolene Royal during the regional elections. And she was a little bit mean with all the journalists surrounding his man.

As the professor John Gottman says, men can’t handle well the emotional thunder: after a dispute, they have difficulty to let the pressure drop. That’s why they pull away. Too many fights, too many dramas will only make them run away from their partner.

I can understand Trierweiler, because her role next to him wasn’t easy at all, especially when you’re a journalist. Personally, I would have a hard time turning into our Queen Mathilde, where you just smile at people all of the time, and you are supposed to love everyone.

So maybe, unconsciously, she wanted to get out this relationship too. I call that sabotage.

Maybe, when Hollande won’t be president anymore, they will rekindle their relationship. After all, she’s the one who changed his life. She’s the one who believed in him when nobody did. I don’t think he can brush her off like that.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Different needs

Recently, a friend of mine told me she had a huge fight with her man. They have been together for almost two years now, and my friend wants them to live together, because so far, they have seen each other only on the weekends, and live at the opposite side of the town. My friend said she’s getting old and wants to start a family. But when she told him about her projects, he backed off. “He said he’s too immature to have a kid” she said.

Since then, she’s been a little bit sad. She told me she didn’t bring this topic again in their conversation. “If in the next 6 months, he doesn’t show any interest in changing our life, I guess I would have to call it quits with him” she added.

Indeed, it would have been easier for her if he shared the same project. But from the start, from what she said to me, it has been very complicated between the two.

She met him on a dating site. Their first date was a little bit awkward to me, because she said he was very shy and let her do all the talking. She wasn’t expecting to see him again afterwards, but he asked her for a second date, and then, they became official. “It’s going slowly” she told me. But I never got the impression he was really fond of her, nor he was the one who was chasing her.

I told her I’m not a good example for relationships, but most of my ex’s, after more or less 6 months of dating, gave me the key to their apartment, make some rooms in their drawers for my clothes and stuffs, and wanted me to move in with them. It didn’t turn out well afterwards, but they did try to commit a little bit with me.

One of them even told me that we would get married and have two kids together. He was the one who initiated this. I didn’t ask for anything. So I told my friend she may need to find a man who will really want to commit.

I would have preferred if she told me she was the one who was hesitating because of his attempts to be with her. Plus, I was a bit worried at the beginning he wouldn’t be a great match for her, as he doesn’t like to travel (he has never left France before meeting her) and isn’t supporting her as a journalist.

Once, we were at a party together, and she seemed to have a great time with a common friend, who’s a goofy guy with a great sense of humor, while he’s never trying to make her laugh like our friend. It did occur to me they would have made a better couple. And our goofy friend was in the middle of a nasty break up. Yet, when he sees her, he’s just happy. It’s not really the case of her actual boyfriend.

So, if he’s not proposing you to live with him, I guess it’s not worth staying with him.

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celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, Uncategorized, women

Love after a drunken night

Recently, during my Christmas dinner with my coworkers, one of them started to explain what happened three years ago with two of our coworkers. They are now the proud parents of a little boy.

Three years ago, after our Christmas dinner, some of my coworkers decided to get drunk somewhere else. Their group shrank as the morning was coming. It was 5AM, and only three remained. My coworker told me he was really drunk, as well as the two other ones. He added he didn’t notice they were getting closer.

But they admitted  later they fell in love that night.

Do we make the right decision when we are drunk?

Not necessarily. I know some couples who got together during a drunken night but never make it to a real relationship afterwards.

Yet, here, it’s different. Because both of my coworkers knew each other well before getting closer. But no one really saw them coming. I thought she was already in another relationship, while he was after another journalist who decided to leave our newsroom for another project.

And they never spent time together before.

Yet, during our Christmas dinner, they were sitting next to each other. And I guess with the help of alcohol, they could easily speak to each other.

Both of them were already in a relationship. But they decided to get together. So far, they are still happy.

I guess alcohol is sometimes a help to bring shy people who are attracted to each other together. Because alcohol  uninhibited  us. But alcohol can also make us bad decisions.

Alcohol has never been a great advice for me. That is why I avoid getting drunk.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Crisis hinder divorces

In my country, the number of divorces has increased for the first time since 2008. According to notaries, the number of divorces has doubled since 2012. Notaries explain that the crisis has hindered people to get divorced. Now that the perspective for the global economy are getting positive, people don’t fear to lose their job and their income, so they don’t hesitate to divorce.

Why do we divorce so much?

As some of my friends say, the real rebels nowadays are those who stay married until death do them part.

Around me, I don’t know many couples who fall into this category.

Recently, I was attending an award. The man sitting next to me told me that one of the winners married  his high school sweetheart and never left her. And he’s very old.

So, one of my friends told me I should get married now, as an act of rebellion. But to be honest, I don’t think I can expect a ring from the one I want to get married to, although he says he loves me to death.

The thin hope I have comes from a friend of mine, who struggled for years to get married. Her man left her for another woman. She dated many men, but always came back to him. Eventually, he realized she was the one for him. But it took him years to realize this.

Like I said in a previous post, there’s only one person we run to. And sometimes, it takes time to see the obvious signs.

We make a lot of mistakes when it comes to love. Hence, the high rate of divorces. But some of us learn from our mistakes. And do manage to find the right person for them, even if it takes them several attempts to do so.

 

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broken heart, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Beyond the Gayet-Hollande scandal

In France, the president François Hollande is in the middle of a scandal because he got caught by a people magazine outside his lover’s apartment on New Year Day. Funny detail, the address of this apartment is the rue du Cirque ( Circus street) in Paris. As if his mandate is a circus…

The reactions around me were different around men and women. Some of my female friends shrugged their shoulders and said all the men are the same, while my male friends said that women were all attracted by power, because let’s said it, François Hollande is not Brad Pitt.

Well, most men are not Brad Pitt. I heard many times my male friends complaining they’re not Brad Pitt.  Yet, they managed to catch a super awesome woman just because they were nice, fun, and caring for them.

Looking from Hollande’s gesture (he was bringing his mistress croissants on New Year’s day), he seems to fall into the same category as my male friends. Except that he’s the French president.

I bet Julie Gayet, the first time she met him, thought he wasn’t attractive at all.

I can tell you that, because the first time I met B., I thought he looked ridiculous with his loden coat and his big handbag. I was even scared about his power. And I thought he would never get interested in an ordinary woman like me.

But B. had a wow factor. He would defend me whenever I had an argument with people in a debate. He would always try to make me laugh and tell me to take things more lightly. He would also make me feel as if I was his equal.

And we may have the best example of this with Michelle and Barack Obama. She said she didn’t even look at him when she met him for the first time. He had to win her over.

So, probably, this is how François Hollande got into this scandal.

I hate to say it, but his actual official lover, who’s now in hospital, wasn’t the love of his life as he mentioned it before. If she was the love of his life, he would have run to her when he got elected. Instead, he tried to reach for his ex-wife, who was standing not far away for his lover on that day.

The person we run to whenever we want to share something small or important is our soul mate. We may have many friends, but we always run to a very small circle of people, and sometimes, this circle boils down to just one person.

We all know that because we know this person is the only one who can fully understand us.

But the quest to find that person is sometimes very long. And we might not see the obvious signs right away.

So, when François Hollande promised to the French people he would be a “normal president”, he would probably mean he would be a normal man, sometimes fooled over. Like many of us.

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