In my country, not so long ago, a politician killed his new wife after a weekend at the seaside. He’s not yet convicted for his crime, but the Parliament accepted to lift his immunity after hearing the experts report on the scene.
This episode reminds us that violent men can be found in every social category, and not the just among the poor.
Unfortunately, women who fall into their trap take years to realize their abuse and to put an end to this. Because usually, abusive men don’t show their real face immediately. Usually, they are quite charming with you on the first months of relationship, before turning into a monster.
A friend of mine told me her man was really charming when she met him for the first time. “He showered me with little attentions and thousand of messages at the beginning. He would write me a poem, surprise me at work with flowers, send me songs saying he was thinking about me. It was very passionate between us. Until I learned he had another woman in his life“.
“He said we couldn’t stay together, but when I ran away, he caught me back, and said he wanted me to stay in his life forever. So he continued to contact me and we started to be lovers” she added.
“This was a horrible situation because whenever we would be together in events, he would just either ignore me and chatting with all the people he knew while I would just sit at the bar and have the only conversation I could have with the bartender. If by chance, I knew some people during those cocktails, he would come to me and say things like I looked tired or I have gained weight, in front of my acquaintances. It was humiliating“.
“Then I started to hear rumors about me. I learned later he was the one who would spill the details about our relationship. None of my friends who knew what was going on betrayed me” she said.
“He invited me once to go hiking with him. And this is when I saw his real face. From day one, he couldn’t stop criticizing me, saying I don’t really love him, saying I was lazy, not that intelligent,… I felt diminished all of the time, but every time, I fought back and we had a lot of arguments. We spent our time walking and fighting, until one day, when we were really exhausted but not yet arrived at our final destination, he lost his mind. We passed through a herd of cows, but there was also a bull. He started to scream without any reason and held my hand very tight, forcing me to follow him to the bull. I told him to let me go, but he refused. So I twisted his hand a bit to get mine out of his grip, and ran away,far from the herd. He ran toward me and started to scream again, asking me why I did that to him. He turned pale, and the look in his eye got very dark. When I tried to answer him, he walked away and sit on a tree lying on the path not far away, without saying a word. I needed a moment just to recover from this, so I left him there. After ten minutes, he was still seating, looking lost. I reached for him and told him we had to carry on. But he wanted me to apologize. As I was tired, I apologized. I didn’t want to stay there or leave him like that. He then got up and held my hand again, this time softly, and told me we had to reach our destination. We didn’t say a word to each other until we arrived to the hotel. He went straight to the shower, stayed there for a long moment. When he finished, he told me he wasn’t sure we could walk again the next day because his right knee were hurting him. He still stood distant from me. The next morning, he changed his behavior, apologizing, and said we could continue. So I accepted. But we never talked again about this incident” she said.
“There was another episode where he lost his mind and turned violent against me. He invited me to follow him in the South of France where he had a seminar for a week. But he said I would have to remain in secret during the day. Luckily, I could visit the town nearby, where there was a castle. But after one day, he changed his mind, and invited me to have breakfast and lunch with him, among the other people at his seminar. But he never introduced me to anyone. Because he said there were all irritating. Once, after a long day of seminar, he got back into our room really angry. And started to whip the bed with his belt. He looked at me and asked if he could beat me. I told him no, and left the room. When I got back, he was in the shower. He then told me he felt upset because he received a message from one of his father’s mistresses, asking him to come at her house to have a chat about his father” she said.
“Every time we had an argument, he would victimize himself like that, reminding me he had a difficult childhood, with a violent father who abandoned his mother and her kids when he was 8 year old” she added.
“But I realized I felt like shit every time I saw him. Slowly, I started to love him less and to tell him to stop whenever he was disrespectful. I’m not over him yet, but I’ve taken my distance from him” she said.
If he makes you feel like shit every time you see him, you should know he’s not good for you. Always trust your guts. And listen to the warnings.
My friend also said she felt guilty because she thought he was acting like that only with me while he was nice with his official woman. Or the other women they met. But the truth is, whenever he shows his real face, it doesn’t matter who is in front of him.
So, be careful.