broken heart, celibacy, life, love, Music, relationships, thoughts

Hello (call your ex)

Six women out of ten are inspired to call their ex after listening to Adele’s latest song, “Hello”. Even the Instagram Star, @thefatjewish, joked about this.

 

 

Is there any other singer able to do so?  Several studies have shown listening to music can influence us in various ways. But there’s a difference between feeling something thanks to music and wanting to call your ex.

Besides, this was a question asked to 41.000 people by the date auction site Whatsyourprice.com, which allows you to buy for love or a first date. Eeew, is this a site like “Seekingarrangement”,… ?  So this is just a survey, by a site not very reliable. And people often lie when they are asked a question on their personal life.

Personally, I don’t think a song can inspire women to call their ex. Especially one from Adele. But if this song is associated with a special moment you shared with your ex, it may influence you.

When we read this statistic with my friends, we were all laughing. Nobody wanted to call her/his ex after listening to “Hello”.

In fact, I hear more stories of people calling their ex after seeing pictures of their ex on Facebook, especially those where they seem to enjoy themselves with other people (hello, “Hotline bling” 😉

Personally, if I feel like calling my ex, I always have second thoughts. After all, if things didn’t work in the past, why would it work now?

Standard
life, love, Uncategorized

Break the silo

19512205.jpg-r_760_x-f_jpg-q_x-xxyxxIn her book, “the silo effect”, Gillian Tett warns about silo. Living in silo makes you jealous, critic, and fearful of the others who don’t belong to your circle.

In the light of the recent events in my country and in France, it’s important to remind this message.

Today, one of my coworkers joked about what she would say if a terrorist from the organization I don’t want to name, because they don’t deserve it, was coming into our office and threatened to kill all of us. “I slept with a muslim, do you think it would save me?” she said. Her ex and her broke the silo between them, it’s a good thing. They’re not together anymore, but they remained good friends, she says.

Unfortunately, today, it’s easy to remain trapped in your silo. Part of the explanations is the diversity of communities now, thanks to social medias. You can get the illusion to feel comfortable into a certain community, at the risk of cutting the links with those who don’t belong to that circle.

Meeting people from different circles can open your perspectives, and makes you more tolerant.

But when it comes to love, I believe it’s important to respect the other’s culture, without sacrificing your own beliefs. There’s a balance to find. If your significant forces you to change your behavior, it’s not the sign of a healthy relationship.

My parents are a good example. My mother moved in our country 40 years ago, and she has never forgotten about her culture, while my father accepted her as she was. She didn’t try to change my father too.

Does it mean the younger generation are less tolerant? I don’t think so.

Standard
Uncategorized

Love kills

sleeping_with_the_enemy

Today is the international day for the elimination of violence against women. In my country, it is also the lesser know Saint-Catherine, the day for the spinsters. In some parts of the country, this is still celebrated.

Unfortunately, unlike the Saint-Catherine, which is on the decline, violence against women are on the rise, everywhere. Part of the explanations is women are more encouraged to tell about their abuses. Yet, there’s still a minority of women who have the courage to denounce their abusive partner.

According to the World Health Organisation, more than one third of all homicides of women are committed by a current or former partner. Nearly a third of women report having experience violence at some point in their life, at the hands of a partner.

Violence is not isolated among a social class. A friend of mine told me his father, who was a professor of philosophy, used to shout at his mother, saying she wasn’t good enough for him, and used to bring home all of his mistresses, in front of his spouse. She wasn’t allowed to say anything to him. “He would be angry as hell if she dared to try” my friend recalls.

Another friend of mine, who’s a nurse, told me she met once a woman who used to be physically abused by her husband. “She didn’t have any bruises. But her husband tore her hair and dragged her across the room like that” my friend said. “She knew she would have some difficulties to prove she was abused, because she didn’t have any bruise on her body” she added. “Her husband was the CEO of a well-known company”.

It is said an abusive partner isolates you from your relatives and friends. “When I wanted to see my parents, he became violent with me” one of my acquaintances said.

Unfortunately, when you face an abusive partner, the best option is to disappear from his life. But it’s not easy if you have kids. One of my friends, who’s a lawyer, told me she received a bullet in a letter from the husband of one of her clients, who hid from him, and waited for their divorce to be pronounced. “He threatened to kill me, as he threatened to kill her” she said.

In France, there was a case where the spouse was abused for many years, and forced into prostitution by his husband. Once, as he was about to hit her with a knife, she defended herself by pulling the knife into his chest. He died. The court argued it was legitimate defense, and she wasn’t condemned to jail for this.

In any case, it’s important to have the courage to say stop to violence.

Standard
Uncategorized

An independent woman

In my country, the rates of divorce are quite high. In the cities, one couple out of two divorce, while in the countryside, this proportion diminishes to one out three.

one-fine-day-4

Single women, especially single mothers, are considered as the most likely to end in poverty.

A friend of mine, who was raised by his single mother, as he never knew who was his father, grew up in the poorest city in my country. He told me her mother  fought hard to raise him. But luckily for him, he is her only child.

Another friend of mine grew up in poverty too. His mother divorced his father when he was 8. His two sisters and him went to live with his mother. At school, he was always the poorest child in the class. He took his revenge later in life on society, by becoming a well respected economist in my country.

Both say that their mother did their best to bring them a solid education.  But their mother were independent, despite their small means.

Recently, a friend of mine announced her sister was about to get divorced, as her husband left her for another woman. They have a little daughter together. Thankfully for her, her sister has a job. But she used to rely on her future ex-husband  to drive her to work. Now, she has asked my friend for her help. Eventually, she will learn how to drive, because it’s necessary for her.

Had she be more farsighted, she wouldn’t have to rely on her sister that much.  At least for her transports. As she lives in the countryside, it’s important to have a car on her own, as public transports are not efficient there, unlike in the cities.

Unfortunately for her, she left the house, and had to find another school for her daughter.

One of my friends had the chance to keep the house when she got divorced, and she didn’t have to find another school for her kids, who could stay in the same school. Not much changed after her divorce, except her ex wasn’t in the picture anymore. My friend has a car, and her mother doesn’t live very far from her and always gives her a hand.

My friend’s sister doesn’t have that chance.

Some economists have warned women to be more farsighted, as marriages don’t last forever, unfortunately.

Sometime, after a nasty breakup, it’s difficult to take wise decisions. That’s why it’s better to anticipate those bad winds. It’s not easy.

 

Standard
Uncategorized

The social inequality

Several sociologists in my country, but also in other countries, have warned about the growing inequality between the rich people and the rest of the population.

Some studies also pointed that rich people marry other rich people. “You won’t find a CEO with an blue collar worker, because they don’t have the same social circle” one sociologist says.

“When you make 100.000 dollars a month, you basically don’t have common interests with your friends any more” said Rainer Voss, a former banker in the documentary “Master of the Universe”.

You also don’t share the same values than someone who comes from a richer circle than yours. And even if you share a common circle with your significant other, sometimes, that’s not even enough.

In the book “Swimming with sharks”, written by the anthropologist Joris Luyendijk, the author had met an Asian immigrant dating a banker from the City. They met each other while they were at university, but he became absorbed by his job after he got hired by a bank, while she went to work for a shop to pay her student debts.  Slowly, their relationship has been coming apart, as she was just happy with her job, while he was proud of his job. Their two worlds don’t collide, as she explained she barely sees him because he’s always at work. He never met her friends, nor her parents, because he cancelled most of his appointments. She did meet his banker friends, but this didn’t go well either.

Some couples don’t survive this. Some do, as some people who work hard can get disgusted by their way of life after some time. Their significant other can play a role in their decision. Some can also stay together because the significant other accepts everything.

“I had a patient who admitted her husband used to bring hookers home so they can have a threesome. She didn’t want to divorce him” one of my friends, who’s a doctor, told me once.

Some couples do come apart. “We met each other during a dinner. I was invited by the host, but it was my first time there. I was sitting next to him, and we spent the night speaking to each other. We also share a same professional circle which allows my presence. Yet, it wasn’t enough. When we started dating, I realized it wasn’t enough. Our worlds didn’t collide that much. He was a star, invited everywhere. It wasn’t my case. After a rocky year spent together, he left me for another woman, who featured regularly on the mundane pictures of art exhibitions, charities, cocktail parties … I started to see him with her on those pictures. It was tough” a friend of mine experienced.

Why is there so many differences with people now? And why are there too many walls between people?

Standard
Uncategorized

To Paris, with love

Since this Friday, 13th of November 2015, the city of Paris has been mourning its victims.

Beyond the official tributes, the city has appeared as a ghost town. Most of the museums are closed. The Champs Elysées are empty, people seem to hide.

In the Paris Sorbonne, the students are sad. One of my friends, who’s a professor of economy, told me that today, his students were unusually quiet. “Here in Paris, everyone knows someone who knows someone who was killed during the events on the 13th of November” he said.

Near the restaurant where the shooting happened, people are scared, and shaken. Some have difficulty to realize what happened there.

Twitter and the other social medias have brought a new dimension to this event. One account published every photo of the victim when their life was good. It was difficult to look at these, without feeling empathy and sadness.

Eventually, the city will return to its rhythm. Every city which has been hit with a terrorist attack  saw the life back after some time. Last year, I visited Palawan, in the Philippines, which was a ghost town back in 2001, after an American tourist was murdered by islamist rebels.

It will be most difficult for those who lost their friend, lover, parent, … in those terrorist attacks. It’s never easy to lose the ones we hold dear in our heart. It’s the worst feeling.

None of my friends was hurt during those events. But suddenly, they have asked me if they can come at my place in the near future. I know they don’t feel safe for the moment. I can understand. I hid in Paris after a nasty breakup at one of my friends’ place.

I guess everyone in the city needs to feel secure again.

Standard
Uncategorized

Marathon, the path towards infidelity?

DSCN0195

When your significant other starts to train for a marathon, should you worry? One of my friends is convinced so. She said her sister, who recently got divorced, didn’t see it coming when her husband told her he was starting to run. He wasn’t running alone. He joined a group of runners to help him get motivated. That should have warned my friend’s sister, because her husband looks like Seth Rogen, aka a teddy bear. Not the athletic type.

That’s how he met “the love of his life”,who’s 20 years older than him.

Personally, I don’t think running is a cause of infidelity. But I read everywhere  that when you’re significant other starts to worry about his/her looks, and starts any sport to get in shape, that is a warning sign he/she may be seeing someone else.

But if both of you start the same sport, it can strengthen your couple. One of friends ditched her pilates classes for swimming. She and her future husband decided to swim two times a week, in the swimming pool next to their apartment. In my pilates class, one of my classmates started the lessons with her husband. I’ve never seen them coming apart.

The problem with my friend’s sister is she didn’t join her future ex-husband in his effort to get in shape.  Most of couples who broke up like her couple have the same problem. Another friend of mine told me her sister also experienced the same situation. Her ex started to run, and wanted one day to run a marathon. Her sister didn’t want to imitate him. She watched him slowly go away from her, until one day, he told her he wanted to live with someone else.

It’s easy to take a separate path from your significant other.  My friend’s sister made the mistake to think it was fine for her husband to start to run, while she would be having fun with her female friends.  She was on holiday with her friends, without him, when she learned he was having an affair. Their marriage wasn’t that strong. They started to date while they were in high school, and got married after they finished college. But they never invested in their couple.

I don’t say you have to be attached at the hip with your significant other. But I’ve noticed, for couples who are still together after  a long time, that they usually find some common activities to do together. It can be cooking classes (I’ve seen many couples there), planning their travels around the world, sport, marathon, … anything they can share together.  That’s why it’s important to share some common tastes with your significant other.

Standard