broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts

Multiple lovers at once

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One of my friends is convinced that friends with benefits are the future of all relationships. “People like me don’t want to live with someone again. And it’s a way for them to have multiple lovers at once” he says.

I’m not convinced. It’s not as easy to have a lot of friends with benefits like he says. The first condition is to find people who are cool with this. It’s not the case of everyone. People can be jealous, especially if you friend with benefit spends more time with his other friends than you. You can feel rejected even if you choose this option over being chosen for another person.

Our society isn’t made for friends with benefits. There are many events in your life where you are invited plus one. The first example that comes in my mind is the official party of your company. Mine usually schedules at least three events like that during the year. I can’t imagine my coworkers and bosses’s face if I would show each time with a different lover, or a turnover of the same lovers. The same goes for your family. Families may not be as cool as you are with your friends with benefits.

A friend of mine used to have multiple lovers at once. She never introduced them to us, and she would show at her job events and her family gatherings alone, despite having three different lovers at the same time. She never mentioned any of them to her nephews, nor her mother.

My friend, who thinks friends with benefits are the future, never told his mother about his lovers, and never mentioned them to his daughter, who wouldn’t understand why her dad is having multiple lovers at once.

Plus, many accept to be friends with benefits, in the hope the relationship will turn into something more serious. It’s a female speciality.

My friend may have some friends with benefits, but I bet some of them hope they will turn into his main squeeze.

I don’t think friends with benefits are sustainable. My friend who had multiple lovers dumped all of them at once because she met the love of her life. She’s been with him for 8 years now. And she told me she doesn’t miss her old life at all.

I may be wrong.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, relationships, thoughts

The place you occupy


One of my friends told me he didn’t feel home when he was with his ex. “My mother, who came to visit me, once told me she was sad to see I only had 8 meter square of my own possession in the house I used to share with my ex” he said. His old house was more than 200 meter square.

Now he’s single again, he’s very happy to buy his own furniture for his new apartment he just bought. I offered him a long time ago some paints of his favorite artists, but he never put them in his old house, as his ex told him she didn’t like those paints. “I love them” he said. “It will be the first things I will put in my new apartment” he added.

I have also several objects I received as a gift from my friends. I can understand how heartbreaking it can be if I had to put those in a box because my significant other didn’t approve.

Do we have to sacrifice those little things important to us to please the one we love? I don’t think so.  My friend let his ex have the upper hand on his life. No wonder he felt suffocated after five years with her.  He told me he feared her, because she could turn very aggressive with him for no reason. Needless to say, she also felt superior to him. Contempt is the number one sign of a relationship trouble, says University of Washington psychologist John Gottman.

His relationship was abusive. If she really loved him, she would accept him as he is. Instead, she tried to control him. She used his influence to raise her social profile. Many times, he would call me to say how unhappy he was with her. He told me several times he wanted to leave her, but he changed his mind many times, until one day, he had enough. Last year, he came several times in my apartment just to chat with me, and joked he could hide here for a while. I welcome every of my friends in need, so I told him he could stay here. He didn’t want to.

I guess if you feel like living in a box when you’re in a relationship, it’s not a sign of a healthy relationship.

 

 

 

 

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, relationships, thoughts

The doors closed after a breakup

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Some people are unhappy in their couple, yet, they don’t want to leave,  because they know they will lose their social status attached to their couple.

One of my friends recently left his ex. But he was surprised when his social circles closed one after another. His ex said everywhere she could he abandoned her, and victimized herself. She mentioned everywhere my friend was out of his mind for leaving her (?) and people in his social circles has begun to wonder if my friend is going nuts. They also don’t want my friend and his ex bumping into each other and start a fight in front of everyone. As a result, he’s not invited anymore. He recently complained to me about it during a coffee we took just after the New Year.

He left because he had enough. He called me once late at night in tears because he fainted at a restaurant after a violent fight with her. I asked him if she was often at the beginning of the fights, and he replied positively.He said he wanted to leave. I replied to him that we are responsible for our own life, and nobody can tell us how to live our life, it’s our own decision, because we only have one life. He said he was not happy with her.

Yes, it can happen that doors close after a breakup. But I believe new doors open too.

Fear is not a good advice. If you fear to leave because you fear to lose your social status, it’s not justified. Staying has a cost too.

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