broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Jealous of your partner’s past

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Can we get jealous of our partner’s past? Yes, it’s possible. But it’s a poison. It is said Facebook makes us miserable, because we can’t help comparing ourselves to our friends, especially those who post a lot of pictures of themselves in awesome places, or with great people. With our partner’s past, it’s the same feeling. we can take his ex’s as a benchmark against which to measure our relationship.

Behind this behavior, there’s the reminiscence of our childhood, where we could compete with our siblings to have the love of our parents. I can see that with my little nephew, who is a bit jealous of his newborn sister. All of a sudden, he’s not the center of attention anymore, because his parents, and especially my sister, are so happy with their little daughter. And he reacts to this by being difficult or making some little accidents. Generally, he stops when we take care of him.

In our actual relationship, if the ex’s is still a important part of his life, we can also compete to have the love of our significant other. But it can torment us. Why is she still in his life? Sometimes, there is a good reason: the kids they have. But sometimes, there are no kids involved.

If there are kids involved, we can even get jealous of his kids. “My ex’s was very mean with my daughter. My daughter feared her, and was sad every time she went to see me at our house. My ex’s also insulted the mother of my daughter, even if I don’t have a good relationship with her” said one of my friends, who recently called it quits with her.

If there are not kids involved, well, why are they still friends?

But sometimes, even if the ex’s is not present in his life, we can get jealous of her. Because we want to compare to her. “Once, after a drunken night together, I began to ask him a lot of questions about his ex’s. But I reminded everything in the morning after, and it began to torment me. I realized he was very happy with her. I wondered if he was happier with me. We were constantly fighting because of that. I didn’t feel I was his love anymore. It was horrible” one of my friends said. She broke up with him.

Everyone of us, after a certain age, has a love past. The only way to avoid getting jealous of his love past is to focus on our actual relationship. But it’s only possible if we live the present moment. We need some self-esteem to enjoy these moments.

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celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

An ex for a brother

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Gwyneth Paltrow recently said that her ex-husband, the lead vocalist of Coldplay Chris Martin, is a brother to her. Because they live not far away from each other, spend time together with their family and friends, go on holiday together,… while they are both dating other people.

[Chris and I] spend a lot of time together. He’s been away for two weeks [promoting his album]. Last night he got in at midnight and slept here so he could surprise the kids in the morning, we could all have breakfast, and he could take them to school. So…we’re not living together, but he’s more than welcome to be with us whenever he wants. And vice versa: I sleep in his house in Malibu a lot with the kids. We’ll have a weekend all together; holidays, we’re together. We’re still very much a family, even though we don’t have a romantic relationship. He’s like my brother

Is it possible to be like brother and sister with our ex’s? I guess it’s the same equation than being friends without benefits with the opposite sex. It asks also how far we can be close to the opposite sex.

One of my friends is really close to a man, who is gay and a photographer. He’s not her ex. She often told me he’s the brother she wish she had. But she has never got closer to an other man without being in love and lust with him. She had a friend with benefits, but she never referred to him as a brother, unlike her friend the photographer.

One of my friends, who is divorced and has the joint custody of her two children with her ex, isn’t convinced she can be like brother and sister with her ex. They don’t spend time together anymore, nor go on holiday together, they’re not even friends.  She spent the New Year eve with me and her children this year. I invited her to a party and she accepted. She told me she would have spent the evening at home with just her two kids, like the year before. She spent Christmas day with her kids and her family. Her ex wasn’t in the picture at all.

Like her, I don’t spend my holidays nor my evenings with my ex’s and I’m not inviting my ex’s at my apartment. So, no, I don’t feel like brother and sister with any of them. I do have male friends I feel close to. But I’ve never slept or dated one of them.

One of my friends really thinks it’s possible to feel like brother and sister with her ex’s. Because he just bought a house with her. But he’s not living there with her. It’s just a house they can use, alternatively, without being there together at the same time. He feels close to her.

But my friend has real sisters, and was the only man in his family. While many of my friends, including the one with the photographer and the divorced one, have only sisters. It’s also my case, I only have a sister. I grew up close to my male cousin, but when we were teenagers, we drifted apart.

When I looked at Gwyneth Paltrow’s family tree, I realized she has a brother too. I guess this helps her a lot to consider her ex like a brother. Like it helps also my friend to consider his ex like a sister.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Dating a depressed mind

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Physically, a depressed boyfriend or girlfriend is there with you, but his/her mind is locked miles away.

For those who share their life with a depressed mind, it can be really difficult. Because he/she doesn’t meet your needs. Some of us begin to feel guilty because we try hard to overpower the sadness of the one we love. But no matter how hard we try, it seems there’s no response from our significant other.

If your needs are not met, you can feel angry toward your love one.

One of my friends is currently dating a depressed man. She’s just moved in with him in a new house, but she complains he has shut down since they lived together. “He’s lonely even if I’m just standing next to him. I feel powerless, because I know he’s sad, but I’m not able to change his mind” she says. Unfortunately for my friend, her boyfriend lost his job shortly after they moved in together, and she’s the one who pays the rent of their house, and also all the other expenses in their life. His depression started just after he lost his job. And despite my friend’s help, he hasn’t been able to find a new job, because nothing motivates him. My friend says she can’t leave him, because he would end up in the street. But my friend seems to forget her boyfriend has a family who is also worried about him.

Maybe my friend should leave him. Even if she loves him. If we love someone, really love someone, we should be able to let him/her go away. Some people need to hit the bottom of their life to bounce back. Leaving someone we love isn’t the same as getting rid of him/her. If she cares about him, she can tell him she’s at his side no matter how. I have a friend who’s also under a rough patch, and though I can’t help him, I told him he could call me or ask me anything he wants if he needs.  So far, he hasn’t hesitated to call me or ask to come at my place just for a coffee and a chat, because he needs to talk to me. I see him getting better.

We can’t force the people we love to change.

Eventually, depressed people will heal their mind.

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