broken heart, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Toxic relationships

What is a toxic relationship? I don’t have a good definition, but I think if you don’t feel happy, or you do feel diminished, powerless, cheated,… In other words, if you have negative feelings when you’re near the person who is close to you, it may be the sign the relationship is toxic.

Around me, some people told me they are not happy with their significant other. Yet, they are still with him/her. One of my coworkers often complains about her girlfriend, who is bipolar. “I have the feeling to be the one in charge of our relationship, but she’s difficult and don’t want to participate in the activities I offer her. Sometimes, I feel alone, even if she’s next to me” she said.  One of my friends often complained about his unhappiness with his significant other. He said she was hysterical,  aggressive, mean with his daughter, and unpredictable.  He feared her. But even when they weren’t together, he said she intimated him. Eventually, he left her six months ago.

Of course, there are periods where you can feel unhappy because of your significant other. But if these periods begin to be permanent, it may be the warning sign the relationship is toxic.

My friend who left his relationship six months ago avoided her as much as he could by spending a lot of times at work or with his friends. As a result, she got angrier with him, to the point he collapsed after a petty fight with her. But he said he knew from the start the relationship would fail. Yet, he jumped into it. I can’t blame him. I did start relationships knowing it wouldn’t work. I thought love would be enough. What a mistake.

Another sign of a toxic relationship is codependency. if you feel you make a lot of sacrifices for your partner’s happiness, but not getting much in return, it’s the sign of a codependent relationship. The feeling you have the most in such a relationship is anxiety. Some people try to numb this feeling by drinking or taking drugs. “When I met her, she had a bulimia problem, inherited from a conflictual  relationship she had with her parents. I thought I could save her” said one of my friends. But as he constantly tried to support her, he grew tired of the relationship, and resentful.

My coworker who complains a lot about her girlfriend will eventually grow tired of her relationship too. She supports her, financially and mentally speaking. As a result, she’s often broke when we go out to a restaurant with our other coworkers. Once, she told us why she was broke all of the time, because her girlfriend is currently unemployed, and she pays for all their expenses. My coworker is sometimes depressed by this. Lately, she’s been caught crying in the bathroom by some of us. I told her she looked unhappy, but she replied she loves her.

When do we need to leave a toxic relationship?

The best way to know is to listen to ourselves. If we try to avoid our partner, that’s a sign. If we keep on complaining about our unhappiness to our friends and family, that’s another sign. If we fear our partner, that’s another sign, and also a warning of an abusive relationship.

celibacy, dating site, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Tinder, the new way to find the one?


The New York Times wrote an article about couples who met on the dating app Tinder. This dating app was called “the dating apocalypse” by Vanity Fair some months ago, because this dating site is used for hookups.

Why are some people able to find the right one on Tinder, where you just swipe to the left or right the profile picture of men or women? The dating pool on this app is large, and it can give you the impression there’s always someone better coming next. You can swipe on hundred different profiles on one day, where in real life, in a bar for example, you will just look at a very restricted pool of men or women.

But the same dynamic plays whether you’re in a bar, or on Tinder. You will make your choice based solely on the looks of the people in front of you. Yet, there are some differences. On Tinder, sometimes, I have encountered men who put a suggestive picture of themselves, bare chest, or worse, on a particular part of their anatomy. Some put a cartoon, or a picture where we can barely see them.  No one will do that in a bar, and if he tries to do so, he will be ejected quickly.

On Tinder, you don’t hear the voice of your potential partner. While in a bar, you can hear him/her quickly, and decide if it’s worth to pursue the conversation. On Tinder, you can test if he’s worth to invest your time by the messages you exchange with him/her.

Some men say it’s easier for them to talk to women through the dating app. Especially since on Tinder, if you swipe right and so does your love interest, you’ll know he/she’s interested. While in a bar, you can get rejected because you don’t know in advance if he/she might be interested in you. Some men are hindered by this and feel more comfortable with the dating app.

Yet, after the swipe, you have to start a conversation. And if it goes well, it can turn into a first date, and so on. The dating pool may be large, but you only end up with few dates in general. In the New York Times article, the women said they went to three different Tinder dates before finding the right one. Most of them got married only after one year.

The Washington Post interviewed a sociologist from Stanford, Michael Rosenfeld, who found out couples who meet online usher toward marriage faster than people who meet offline. It seems people on Tinder progress to marriage even faster.

But is it sustainable? Like the sociologist said in the article, those who are close to 40 feel a little bit alone as most people of their age are already settled down. So, they feel tempted to settle down too, quickly.

Only fools rush in. But are we able, after a certain age, to tell if we have found the right person?  At least, we know what we don’t want, like hookups for example. Maybe we know, after a certain age, that the perfect partner doesn’t exist. Yet, some people older than me still make mistakes in their relationship. One of my friends just ended his four years relationship because his partner was just horrible to him. He’s 50, he should have known from the start the relationship wasn’t good for him. He even told me he knew from the start she was bad for him.