A former friend of mine who I met while I was in College disappeared from my life after she started to date a guy whom I didn’t like very much. He was very mean with her friends including me, always gunning me down every time I said something, even when I was only talking to my friend. Slowly, I began to take my distance with her, because she was always with him, and it was impossible to see her without him anymore. He kept her very close by his side.
Years later, thanks to Facebook, I saw her again. I heard from a friend of her then boyfriend they broke up several years ago. She got married to another man, she met three years after her boyfriend from College and her ended their relationship. Another friend we had in common in College also found me on Facebook, and she told me she stopped speaking to her shortly after I cut contact with her too. She apologized because she believed her ex back then saying I was betraying them,… “He did manage to clear all of her friends around her. Her best friend got ditched too after us” my former friend told me. During our College years, I didn’t see her that much after I decided to take my distance with me. She was always with him.
She didn’t say a word about her ex when I connected with her again on Facebook. She just told me she got married five years ago, and has had since then two adorable daughters. She also told me she left her job to pursue her dreams. She wanted to be a florist. I sometimes see her work at flower shows. She seems to be more independent now, because her husband doesn’t work with her.
I guess when we’re younger, we just listen to our heart, and follow the one we love, even if it’s not a good advice.
Are we fusional in love when we’re young, only to realize our mistake years later and becoming more independent? It’s not that simple. It is said lovers who can’t live away from each other are sensitive to abandonment and find in their couple the love they don’t feel for themselves. So, this kind of people, even if they broke up and start a new relationship, will go back to their old ways. It’s not a question of age.
Besides, at the start of every long term relationship, there is a phase where we’re just attached at the hip with our significant other. All we want is to be next to him or her. Nothing else matters. But then, the feeling changes, because we go back to our personality, and have to adjust to our significant other. This phase doesn’t last very long.
The feeling we have during this phase can be compared to the one we have if we take cocaine. Then, we find a new equilibrium in the couple. If not, there may be a problem. People with insecurities will stay in this phase of fusion but will remain dependent on each other, at the risk of cutting themselves from their friends and relatives.
This kind of relationship usually ends because one of the partners eventually feels suffocated.
Is there a way to avoid ending in that kind of relationships? The best answer, I guess, is to avoid sacrificing your hobbies, your friends, your job, your passions, and even your values, for being with the one you love. There is a balance to find. Don’t forget who you are.