broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The warning

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Some people do warn you about their flaws when you start a relationship with them. One of my ex’s even told me on our first date he’s all sweet with women at the beginning of his relationship, then turns cold after some months. Even with this warning, I didn’t stop seeing him afterwards. It was a bad choice, because he did the same thing to me as he did with all his other women. But I was foolish enough to think I was better than his ex’s.

If someone tells you what his or her ex’s think about them at the beginning of a relationship, this is a big warning to consider. Even if the relationship is great apart from that, because your date promises you everything, covers you with gifts, offers you to travel around the world and puts you on a pedestal. The highs are high with players like that. The descent is painful. In my case, my ex’s suddenly turned cold with me after months of courtship like that. I learned thanks to my ex-boss he was dating another woman weeks after he disappeared, a woman who was one of his friends.

One of my friends says men are more likely to be honest like that at the beginning of a relationship. “They will tell you right away what they look for in a relationship. It is worth paying attention to their words” she says.

 If your date said they don’t want to commit, it’s a warning. But a change of heart can happen. Because one of my friends, who recently got married, reminded me her husband didn’t want to commit to her at the beginning of their relationship. After a year spent together, she wanted to move in with him in a new apartment, but he refused at first, saying he wasn’t ready to commit to her. He eventually changed his mind. Now they are married.

My friend had chances. But other men who say they don’t want to commit don’t commit to you. It depends.

Of course, in the beginning of a relationship, if he proposed right away to live with him or marry him, this must be suspected. It may be some words  he didn’t mean either. My ex wanted to live with me when we started dating. He even said we would get married some day. When it’s too good to be true, then it may be a scam.

Love doesn’t come easily.

But in the case of my friend, her man was already committed in some way in their relationship, because they were dating for one year when my friend proposed to live with him. He has a lot to lose if he didn’t want to commit to her.

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celibacy, life, men, rant, relationships, thoughts

Who travels with his parents?

“Who travels with his parents? I don’t know anyone around me who does that” said one of my ex’s. He said that because I told him I would travel with all of my family in Europe this summer. I replied I know a lot of people who do travel with their parents and family. I hated that judgment in his voice when he said that.

Yes, there are people who don’t travel with their family because they don’t get along with their parents or the rest of the family. But I met a lot people who do travel with their mom, sister, brother, … even if they are older. I’m one of them. I do enjoy the time we spend abroad.

My family is scattered around the world. Since I was young, we used to plan travels altogether whenever our finance make it possible, to be together. Some things have changed over the years because we got older. When my cousins and I got over 16, we used to have a separate plan from our parents when we were abroad. I’ve been to bowling, concerts, bars, restaurants,… with my cousins while our parents went on their own.But now, we spend some time with our parents. Maybe it’s because we don’t live with our parents anymore.

Some of my friends also have a family living around the world. Last year, one of my friends went to Indonesia where all her cousins and relatives, including her mother, were on vacation. They spent three weeks there. My friend didn’t travel with her significant other this time. But next year, he will go with her in the Philippines where her family will host their next gathering. Mine is already scheduled too in the Philippines in 2018 😉

I don’t do all my travels with my family. I’m not a child anymore.  I do travel alone from time to time, or with a friend of mine when he’s available. Those travels with my family are special moments to me.

I was a bit shocked when my ex said that sentence. I would have reacted differently if he just asked why I was traveling with my family. I should have known he’s narrow-minded. He told me earlier that he was the last to know among his friends about his friend’s preference for women, after years of mocking her for having no boyfriend.  He told me he didn’t react well when she revealed to him she was a lesbian. Every of my friends told me early on when we didn’t know each other well their sexual preferences. I noticed earlier they were into men or women. It wasn’t a surprise to me.

He’s just an asshole.

Disrespecting your significant other’s family by saying  you spend too much time with them or contacting them too much is just mean. It’s a sign of a toxic relationship.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, thoughts

The walk of shame

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Recently, at 5am, I left my boyfriend’s place without a word for him, as he was still asleep and snoring. I hoped he would notice I was leaving, but he didn’t. He’s not some guy I just spent the night with. We’ve been dating  for two weeks now.

It’s surprising he didn’t wake up because at 5am, most of my friends are already woken up. Some are even doing their running/ bicycling, or just gather their thoughts because they have a long road to work. I don’t wake up at 5am unless I have a good reason to. But I can get woken up by the noise around me.

I went back to my house with the same clothes I wore the day before and the mess in my hair. In the hookup culture, it’s called the walk of shame. It’s the moment when you go back home after a night at your one night stand’s place. Usually after a heavy drunken night at a party, where you wear next to nothing if you’re a woman. The morning after, you just look like a mess.  This wasn’t my case. I didn’t drink a lot the night before. And I didn’t wear next to nothing.

Yet, I wasn’t feeling very proud on my way back home. Because I could have waited for him to wake up. But that morning, I didn’t feel I want to see him before leaving his house. Because the night before, he said some unpleasant things about me and I didn’t know how to answer back. He has this nasty habit to feel superior to me. John Gottman, a psychologist, says that contempt is the number one reason relationships turn sour.

After I returned to my house, he didn’t call or send a message wondering where I was. As I was just a one night stand for him.

One  night standers feel that walk of shame on their way home. Is it just because you are undone after a night of partying? Alcohol makes you forget everything, to the point of your dignity. But there’s a silent contract between the two people involved in the one night stand. Nobody wants to see the other after that night. Because alcohol involved in those relationships distorts the reality. Everyone looks good after you drink several glasses. There’s beauty in the bottom of a beer…But the morning after, reality looks a bit different. The hangover is there, and when you feel that bad, some of us want to go back home. You don’t feel at the top of your seduction in this moment. Hence the walk of shame.

I wasn’t drunk  this time. I didn’t have a hangover. All I know is that at 5am, I needed to go back home instead of staying next to him. I didn’t feel glorious either.

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celibacy, dating site, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The disaster of first dates

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The Washington Post wrote an article about how restaurants and bars hate your first Tinder dates. One of the reasons behind this is the loss of revenues  from your date over groups who really want to have a dinner and a good time. Because you can nurture just a glass for one hour and decide not to order another one. First dates come cheap. People don’t want to invest a lot because they don’t know in advance their first date.

I’ve seen a lot of advices saying after two back and forth on Tinder, you should schedule a date. Two back and forth are not enough to know your Tinder date. So if you accept to go to this date, it’s a blind date.

One of my friends told me he exchanged a lot of messages with his Tinder date before meeting her for the first time. So they were very happy to meet each other for real after weeks of conversations online. They met in a bar she chose. And ordered a lot of drinks.

It’s also my case. My Tinder date and I spent weeks exchanging messages before agreeing to see each other. He let me choose the bar. I picked the one where they make good mojitos. We drank three drinks before deciding to go to a restaurant, and came back after our restaurant to the same bar where we drank another two glasses. I didn’t expect to spend so much time with him. I was even sad to go home but he asked me if we could see each other again very soon. I accepted right away.

Here in my country, people who want to meet their online dates choose a bar for their first meeting. There are plenty of bars in my town where you can just order a drink. Some bars are specialized in this. You can see this because there are couples who stop talking to each other just after 30 minutes spent together, and start to look around them. Not the sign of a date which is going well. I’ve been to those. All I know is I wanted to leave the conversation and the guy as soon as possible. Maybe because I didn’t know what  I was looking for.

So, yes, there are good or bad surprises with blind dates. But if you just exchanged some words with your Tinder date (or Happn/Bumble/Match.com,…) before agreeing to meet in real life, you don’t know if your date will turn right or not. At least if you spend some time to learn about your online crush before meeting him, you will know if he/she’s worth to meet in real life.

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