celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Mine just for a moment (casual dating)

After a certain age, people don’t necessarily want to dive into a relationship right away. They are hindered by their past love experiences , especially all the failed ones. With that luggage, some want to take it slow with their date. There are no definition for that, except it’s also called casual dating.

It depends on the agreement between the two partners. But it’s not really a real relationship, because nothing is really planned in advance. Besides, casual dating doesn’t  involve sex, otherwise, it’s considered as a “relationship” like friends with benefits, where sex is indeed involved, and sometimes a deeper feeling, especially if you have been friends with benefits for years.

Casual dating is going to a movie, a theater, a party, a concert, … or just take a walk with your date. Some people look at this as a precursor to a committed relationship, while other prefer to date multiple people until they find the right one, with the risk of choosing no one, as we have difficulties to choose when there are too many options available. In both cases, it’s best to be honest with your casual date about what you want.

It’s not always clear you’re casually dating. Because you can sleep with someone on the first night you meet each other then decide to know each other better and start casually dating.

There are no feelings involved in dating. That’s why some people hate to date. Besides, dating can only be temporary. Because you can’t date a person forever.  As some point, you will need commitment, or end this situation. Commitment will come eventually if you enjoy spending time with your date. And if it’s mutual, of course.

The key is to enjoy your date’s company. It’s not always the case. That’s a good indicator.

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Now the drugs don’t work

Recently, one of my coworkers who looked tired told me she spent her evenings listening to one of her friends, who’s in a relationship with a woman who uses Clenbuterol. This is a drug used to lose weight, but like all drugs, it has side effects.”Recently, she posted a lot of alarming messages on her Facebook wall, sometimes very confused” said my coworker who showed me her pictures on Facebook. She posts a lot of pictures of herself in a bikini or in her fitness clothes on her wall.

“Because of this drug, she has a lot of mood swings. And sometimes, she cuts herself” said my co-worker. Her friend gave her an ultimatum: either she stops using that drug, or she will leave her.

Her last relationship ended because of that” says my coworker. “She didn’t learn from her previous experience” she adds. “My friend is probably going to do the same than her ex” .

It’s not simple to be in a relationship with a drug addict. Because drugs are able to isolate people or force people to develop unhealthy friendship with other people who have similar habits.

People who commit into these relationships think they can save their significant other. But as one of my friends experienced, the situation only got worse over time, as his ex turn into more and more drugs and reckless behaviors.

Drugs have nasty side effects, like paranoia, anxiety, mood swings, lack of motivation, reduced sexual capacity, heart attack,…

Yes, it’s heartbreaking to watch the person you care about self-destroying like that. But the ultimatum like my friend’s friend gave to her significant other is probably the only way to maintain a relationship, if the drug addict accepts to change. People don’t really change, unless they want to. And they can always return to their ancient demons.

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Tinder: come closer

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The Washington Post recently wrote about a study from Queen Mary University of London, about the differences between men and women using Tinder, the dating app.

The researchers created 14 profiles, male and female, and liked everyone  within a 100-mile radius.  The fake male profiles only received 0,6% likes back, with the fake female profiles were much more popular, with 10% of people who liked them back.  But men who matched with a fake profile were only 7% to send a message, while women who matched with a fake profile were 21%.

The study revealed men were less picky than women to match on Tinder. Women only swiped right the profile they were attracted to, while men casually liked all profiles.

A male friend of mine told me he used to like every female profile on Tinder “but not the ones with a rat on their shoulder” in the hope to get the maximum of matches. “After that, I select the ones I’m really attracted to” he said.

So, if you’re  a woman, don’t think he genuinely likes you if you had a match on Tinder with him. You’re just vaguely attractive to him, among a large pool of women.

The Washington Post wrote Tinder makes us miserable for that reason. But they may be wrong, because most Tinder matches don’t result necessarily into a real date.

Out of the numerous Tinder profiles he liked, my friend only got one date.

Tinder just gives you the illusion there are plenty of options possible. But when it comes to dates, and relationships, those options shrink dramatically.

The date is important, because you can really tell if you like your Tinder date or not after 30 minutes, or even less.

Nothing compares to a date face to face. Whether it’s originated by Tinder or another way.

Tinder is just a way to meet new people” one of my friends told me.

Yes, it’s just a way, like meeting someone in a club or elsewhere.

 

 

 

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, relationships, thoughts, women

Bouncing back

A friend of mine recently told me one of her friends is desperate to have his ex back in his life, even if it’s been one year and an half she left him because of his difficult character. “He’s aware of his behavior, yet, he’s still not over his ex, even if we tried to introduce him to every single woman we know” she said.

I don’t understand since I know other people who didn’t have difficulty to find someone new shortly after their breakup” she said.

Why are some people able to bounce back after a breakup and some other not?

It’s a question of resilience.

We are not equal in resilience. The Harvard Business Blog wrote an interesting post about it. Bricoleurs, in this article , muddle through while other are confounded. It’s the most evolved form of resilience. In other words, it’s the capacity to improvise after a disaster.

A breakup is a disaster too. We can break up because one of the partners wants to leave, or because of a mutual agreement. But it’s the result of a bad couple. And we can feel rejected  after that. But some people cope better than others.

Carla Bruni-Sarkozy, in a recent interview, mentioned she didn’t recall any broken heart  because “probably, I didn’t commit enough, and also, I had chances. I have  only committed  to my husband. If he leaves me now, I would suffer” she said.

Some people just shy away from their ex and concentrate on their own life. Some people need a rebound relationship to get back on their feet. Those who stare miserably at their ex’s Facebook profile or try everything to get back with their ex are the ones who don’t cope very well with a breakup. Needless to say, it’s the best way to get rejected again.

One of my friends was so disappointed by his last relationship that he wants to remain alone for some time. Another one absolutely needed to find someone quickly. And he founded.

Staying unhappy on your own is a vicious cycle.

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The momentum of love

Is it possible to feel lucky in love after a series of Tinder nightmares?  In this Washington Post article, it may be possible. “Sometimes,  singles feel they put a ton of effort in and not getting a lot out of it”  said a dating coach interviewed in this article.”Then suddenly they meet someone and it feels easy and they call it luck”  she added.

How is it possible?

It’s true we can put a ton of effort in and not getting a lot out of it. I felt I put a lot of efforts with my ex I met on Tinder while he didn’t put a lof of efforts, at least at the beginning of our relationship. On our second date, because he had his driver license suspended for two weeks (probably because he got busted DUI), he asked me to drive him to the restaurant. On our third date, instead of going to the restaurant and to the movie, he asked me to drive him at one of his clients restaurant, 60 miles away from his home, and I had to wait for him seeing the clock passing by. We were late for the movie, and we had to choose a restaurant where there were no customers inside because all the good ones were full. Luckily, I didn’t have a food poisoning…

He was clearly not into me. That’s why I told him we should break up.  I don’t think he can change his mind.

Most of my friends told me at least I know now what I don’t want in a relationship. They told me I would find someone better. I don’t know why, but since then, I received a lot of invitations on Facebook to be friends by men I don’t even know. My gardener asked me if I wanted to have a drink with him, but I refused. And I have two Tinder dates scheduled for next week. One from a guy I turned down because I started a relationship with my Tinder ex.

I don’t know if I will feel lucky with my next matches. But I wonder: is it because I’m looking for someone that some men see the opportunity, even if I don’t say anything?

Is it that momentum of love? I even start to see some of my (male) coworkers in a different light.

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Good lovers

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There are no bad lovers, just bad couples” recently wrote Le Monde in an article. 

If you complain about how bad is your lover, you should blame yourself instead, said that article. It’s a bit harsh, since you can have a violent lover who forces you to do things you don’t want to do. But it’s also true we can always stand for ourselves and never hesitate to tell when we don’t like something to put an end to it.

Recently, one of my friends and I discussed about how difficult it becomes for men to have a regular erection past a certain age. “Many of my female friends told me their husband can’t have an erection anymore. But that’s not the end of their sex life, because they either use oral sex, or a hand job, or sex toys” he said. My friend is older than me, much older, and he added that at his age, it becomes difficult to have an erection without the help of a certain blue pill.

But even at my age, I have encountered men who have that same problems. They don’t necessarily make bad lovers. They just need help.

It takes two to tango. If the other one just stands as a sea star, while the other tries his best to make her come, chances are one of the couple feels frustrated while the other just gets bored. “If love fades, it’s because we want to leave love fade” recently said Carla Bruni-Sarkozy in an interview.

The reasons why our sex life isn’t great may lie in other places than the bedroom.After all, sleeping with someone is an act of trust.

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How you feel is the most important

We all look for advice in our love life, because love isn’t taught in school. There’s no guide to it. Only trials and errors.

Wisdom would advise us to stay away from relationships where we don’t feel well. With my ex-boyfriend, I felt diminished and not beautiful, because he never gave me any compliments, and criticized my choices all of the time. He criticized the book I’m currently writing, saying its pitch was too “simplistic”. I saw him liking female pictures on Facebook while he never liked any of mine. He never had a kind gesture toward me, like holding my hand in public, or a gentle stroke. He even told me I had a strange posture and that I should go and see a doctor. The list is long.

I don’t think this will change over time. I think my negative feelings when  I was with him will never change positively. I told him I felt on the defensive all of the time with him because he criticizes me a lot, and is judgmental. But he replied I should have asked his friends because he’s not judgmental at all. If it was the case, why his friend waited a long time before telling him she was a lesbian, while all his other friends were already given the news?

There’s no perfect relationships, because we are not perfect. There are no obstacles to having different personalities in a relationship. The key is the feelings you have for each other. If something tells you inside that you should leave, if you don’t feel beautiful when you’re are with someone, if you feel diminished, not appreciated for what you are, it’s the sole indicator you should pay attention to.

This is especially true after  you had sex with your partner. If you feel like shit afterwards, this isn’t the sign the relationship is healthy.

Only you will know how you feel. Listen to that inner voice.

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