Somebody I used to know (unfriend your ex on Facebook)


Do you unfriend your exes on Facebook, or keep them? Recently, I had to unfriend one of my exes because I was hurt by a picture his new significant other posted on the social media, tagging him and two of their common friends. I just can’t look at this picture, it’s killing me. I did unfollow him, but it wasn’t enough. I still get his updates regardless that option.

Many sites advise to unfriend your ex on Facebook, because you can be miserable looking at your exes’pictures with their new significant other, or just their pictures where he/she looks happy, without you. If you stare at these pictures a lot, it won’t help you to move on.

But it’s difficult to unfriend your ex, because you can  regret your decision sooner or later. One of my friends told me his ex unfriended him on Facebook, only to request him to be friends again after some time away. I also did that with one of my exes, after three months of silent period. It’s like we can’t turn away.

Some people will react if you unfriend them, including your ex. But some people don’t monitor close their list of friends on Facebook and won’t notice if you unfriend them.

But why should we unfriend our ex on Facebook?

Well, if you’re hurt like me when you see a picture of your ex, that’s a good signal you may have to unfriend your ex immediately.

If you’re desperate to have your ex back, and send him/her numerous messages on Facebook, Whatsapp, Instagram, Twitter, … It may be wise to unfriend your ex too. Nobody likes someone who’s desperate to have them back. Besides, it may help you to have back your own life.

If your ex hurt you, by cheating on you, or worse, didn’t treat you right, you may also need to unfriend your ex.

The other question here is why do you have to stay friends with your exes? Why do you have them among your list of Facebook friends?

I can’t explain it, as I do have some of my exes as friends on Facebook. Maybe it’s because it’s just Facebook. It’s not like my exes are still in my life. In fact, I don’t see almost anyone of them anymore.

Yet, Facebook makes us have a permanent look at our exes’ life.  If our ex allows us to do it, of course.

broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts

The bill (going dutch on a date)

Capture d’écran 2016-08-22 à 22.50.43

In the world of dating, equality between sexes doesn’t really apply. Every woman I know expects the guy to pay the bill at the restaurant on the first date, and even on the next dates. It’s the part of the courtship. And even if we are in the 21st century, men are still expected to lead the courtship.

Many women told me if a guy lets them pay or offer them to go dutch, they think their date doesn’t want any commitment or are just stingy. One of them even told me she thinks the guy hates women in general, but can’t really be alone. In that case, why doesn’t the guy turn to prostitutes?

 “If they don’t pay, it just means they are not interested” one of them said.

In fact, it depends. One of my friends hates dates for that reason. “I hate going to the restaurant and think about sharing or paying the bill at the end with my significant other.   It’s a nightmare. Fortunately, I met him through friends during a BBQ, and he invited me at his place where he cooked a meal for me for the first time, and the next, and the next,… He doesn’t like to go to a restaurant that much, because he worked in many restaurants, and it reminds him of bad times” says one of my friends, who do agree to share the bill with me when we go out dinner together 😉

Another friend of mine told me he pays alternatively the bill with his significant other at the restaurant since their second date. “But I was a gentleman on the first date, I did pay the bill” he said.

My friend isn’t offended by the idea of having the bill paid by his significant other from time to time.

As for going dutch, some of my friends don’t agree because a date isn’t like going out with your friends.

Some guys think women are high maintenance or are stricken by the princess syndrome if they expect to have the bill paid every time at the restaurant. But all men don’t think that way.

I guess it can be a good indicator of your values if you don’t agree on who pays the bill at the restaurant during your dates. If you throw a temper tantrum because of the bill, it’s not a good sign. But at least, there’s an immediate reaction.

The worst, I think, it’s when one of two pays the bill, and the other holds grudge without saying anything. Like if the woman pays the bill, and the man thanks her for the dinner and the time they spent together, and then goes MIA for days.

celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

An online reputation

Why isn’t there a online reputation system for dating sites unlike on Airbnb and Ebay? Well, I guess the principal reason is people are not exchanging goods and don’t have a price, otherwise, it’s called prostitution.

With online dating, you only have your feelings and a little bit of trust to accept a date with someone you meet online. It’s impossible to leave a online review of your date afterwards. And besides, would you trust strangers who reviewed your future date? I’m not sure I would.

People have different needs, tastes, values, hobbies, … or simply different characters. I’m sure all the guys I dated even just for one date did find someone who was a better match than me.

Couple form or break up because of each other’s character. Some people just can’t get along with each other, that doesn’t mean they wouldn’t get along with other people.

Besides, a date isn’t as important as renting an apartment or buying a car. It’s not a big deal if you’re disappointed by your date the first time you meet him/her IRL.You always have the possibility to leave if the conversation turns cold. All you lost is your time, and you can limit the time you spent with your date if you don’t like him/her.

Unfortunately, there are liars on dating sites. It’s even inherent to that medium. Yet, if you spend a little bit of time asking questions to your potential date, you can spot if he/she lies. And usually, during the first date, you will know if he/she’s a liar, at least if your potential date lied on his/her height, weight,…

Online reviews forced people to be honest on Airbnb. But the reviewer can be reviewed by the host.

I’m not sure I would get a great review from my date especially if I left the date 30 minutes after we first met.

Out of emotions, we can say or write things we will regret afterwards.

There’s no need for review with online dating, because if you do like your date, and if it’s mutual, there will be a second, a third, a fourth, … date afterwards. If you don’t like you date, you simply leave your date.



broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Those tiny cracks


This morning, I caught the conversation of two of my coworkers talking about the new beau of one of them. She complained he didn’t like her schedule where she runs everyday after her work because she wants to clear her mind. “He criticizes me a lot” she said. My other coworker, who knows her man, told her his ex got into a depression after one year of relationship with him. “With him, I want to cry all of the time” the other said. “I also want to cry all of the time because of my significant other” added my coworker.

Why do we stay in destructive relationships like that?  There is not a day when my coworker doesn’t complain about what her significant other did to her or said to her. When I ask her why she doesn’t want to end this relationship, she replied she couldn’t, because she loves her significant other. Yet, it’s been almost one year where she’s very sensitive because of her lover.

In the long run, this relationship may not be sustainable. What’s the point of being on the defensive permanently with the one you love? In the end, you will end up spending more and more time away from your partner, not knowing why, just because you want to avoid him/her. Some people take years to recognize they are not in the right relationship.

Because you’re brilliant, kind and beautiful, you should never let any guy speak to you badly” one of my friends said after I broke up with my ex. “Don’t waste your time with that kind of guy. A guy should feel lucky to have you” he added.

I would repeat his advice to everyone who’s involved in a relationship where they are not treated with respect.

Permanent critics, cold shoulders, stonewalling are like cracks on your wall. If your significant other is unable to appreciate your success, or even share your joy for the little things in life, if he/she guns you down every time you say something, you will feel tired after some time. Sometimes, people take years to end that kind of relationships.

But a good indicator your relationship is ill fated may be the way you talk about your significant other to your friends. If you do like my coworker who constantly complains about her lover, then, it may indicate your significant other is not the right person for you.

I’m not saying you should leave after just one critic. After all, we are able to stand for ourselves, and able to replicate. But if your partner is unable to adjust to you, or if you’re unable to adjust to him/her, that may be the solution.

celibacy, dating site, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Tinder vs IRL


Why do we need Tinder to meet other people?” asked recently my date. I was thinking about this question this morning as one of my coworkers told me her cousin met his future wife in the street. They were having a coffee in a cafe separately and he dared to ask her phone number. She accepted. My coworker was surprised about his move because “nobody ever does this anymore“, as she said. Everyone is on Tinder 😉

Is Tinder different than meeting someone in the street, asking him/her for his/her phone number, and beginning texting each other until getting  a real date? Yes, if you consider the situation where you meet in real life the object of your affection before going into a real courtship.

With Tinder, you don’t really know how your match looks like before meeting each other for a drink. You only have a picture, but also some indications like common (Facebook) friends and likes on Facebook. Some people also put their instagram account. You can see if they are into cars, sport, cats, food, just by looking at their instagram shots. You get some hints. But for the love at first sight, well, it’s not really it. But at least, you know that you match is looking for something, a hookup, or a relationship.  While asking for a phone number in the street is risky because you don’t know if the person is available. And you have a higher chance to be rejected.

With Tinder, that risk is lower, because if you just swipe many profile to the right, you may get a chance to have a match. You basically have more options on the table.

After the match, you still have to get a connection with your match. There’s not much difference than approaching directly an attractive stranger. If you’re boring, online or not, your match will simply try to get away. The nervousness is the same, online, or in real life.

Couples (or hookups) do form out of Tinder, as out of an direct approach IRL. The key is to make the first step.

broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The outcomes of being sex friends


Some women accept to be friends with benefits (FWB) with a man they just meet, in the hope this  would lead to a real relationship after some time. But according to a study of 191 people involved with a FWB, only 15% got into a romantic relationship after one year, while 28% were back into being just friends, and 31% didn’t have any relationship at all with their FWB. 26% remained FWB.

15% is a low score for an eventual relationship. It’s far from what Hollywood make us believe about the outcome of FWB.

So there’s a lot of disappointment ahead for those who hope for a romantic relationship out of a FWB.

But what is being friends with benefits? In general, it’s an agreement when the partners don’t want an exclusive relationship and allow themselves to see other people. There are not really feelings involved.

In such case, it’s difficult to start a relationship from this point. Because when you start to see other people without commitment with your FWB, it may lead to jealousy ahead when you start seeing each other exclusively. You can’t just brush away the immediate past of you FWB.

Yet, some people still have hope about a romantic relationship out of a FWB.

One of my friends met a guy on Tinder two months ago, after the end of her long term relationship. At the beginning, they were just FWB, but it has evolved into a real relationship because she recently introduced him to us” one of my friends says.

I’ve noticed women who accept to be FWB often went out of a long term relationship or a marriage just before. It’s a kind of compromise, just like casual dating. Except there’s no sex involved in casual dating.

Some people think having sex with other people can help them to forget their ex.  Yet, when the breakup is too close from your new FWB, it may not help as you may have your ex still under your skin. It’s the same if you start right away a new relationship. It depends on people.

And even if you’ve been FWB for years,  coping with the breakup of a long term relationship isn’t that easy.

The lesson here is to not hope too much from a FWB. After all, the study shows you have a better chance to become just friends or remain FWB than to have a romantic relationship.

And it’s not a rule to be FWB. You always have the choice.

celibacy, dating site, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

There’s a limit to online dating

Why do some people find their match on online dating, and some don’t? One of my friends told me that after a bad breakup  years ago, she registered to a online dating site and got plenty of dates, but none of it turned into a relationship. “I’ve found real friends through dating sites, but I didn’t fall in love at all with all of them. I had a blast with several of my dates but it never materialized into something else” she said.

I didn’t ask her if she made a list of what she wanted from her encounters on internet. Another one of my friends did made a long list of what she wanted in her future man. She didn’t put her photo on her dating site, and searched thoroughly every profile she found attractive. Her dating site had a possibility to search based on certain criteria, unlike Tinder, where you just swipe to the left or right the picture you find attractive or not.

My friend did find her match on internet. She got married this year after three years of relationship with him.

Her experience reminded me of this TED presentation, called “how I hacked online dating”. The author also made a thorough list of what she wanted from the man of her dream. And she found him after a heavy screening.

The economist and Nobel Prize Alvin Roth mentioned a good algorithm for online dating which would allocate men to women in such way it’s impossible to change the allocation without lowering the satisfaction of someone. The algorithm would work at its best if everyone is honest about his/her preferences without having the possibility to change these.

Yet, why some people are not satisfied with online dating?

Part of the answer is because people are not honest with that medium. Part of it is because we can be hindered by our past love experience. Part of it is because we’re not enough picky when it comes to choosing among that large pool of single people.

Some say there’s no part of seduction with online dating, especially with Tinder. “It must be particular to be in front of a man who already knows you desire him” said the actress Virginie Efira in a recent interview.

It’s not necessarily the case. Because the picture you see online may be different from what you have in front of you during the date. And looks aren’t everything. Personally, if I find the man very attractive but stupid and with zero conversation, I’m not sure I would show him I desire him. The same will apply if he’s mean with me.

Besides, because you never know in advance if your date would succeed, it’s worth spending time knowing your potential partner a little before meeting him/her. Two back and forth are not enough. I’ve learned my lesson from past failed experience. I hate wasting time with a guy who doesn’t interest me and who isn’t interested in me.

That also applies for Tinder.