celibacy, dating site, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

There’s a limit to online dating


Why do some people find their match on online dating, and some don’t? One of my friends told me that after a bad breakup  years ago, she registered to a online dating site and got plenty of dates, but none of it turned into a relationship. “I’ve found real friends through dating sites, but I didn’t fall in love at all with all of them. I had a blast with several of my dates but it never materialized into something else” she said.

I didn’t ask her if she made a list of what she wanted from her encounters on internet. Another one of my friends did made a long list of what she wanted in her future man. She didn’t put her photo on her dating site, and searched thoroughly every profile she found attractive. Her dating site had a possibility to search based on certain criteria, unlike Tinder, where you just swipe to the left or right the picture you find attractive or not.

My friend did find her match on internet. She got married this year after three years of relationship with him.

Her experience reminded me of this TED presentation, called “how I hacked online dating”. The author also made a thorough list of what she wanted from the man of her dream. And she found him after a heavy screening.

The economist and Nobel Prize Alvin Roth mentioned a good algorithm for online dating which would allocate men to women in such way it’s impossible to change the allocation without lowering the satisfaction of someone. The algorithm would work at its best if everyone is honest about his/her preferences without having the possibility to change these.

Yet, why some people are not satisfied with online dating?

Part of the answer is because people are not honest with that medium. Part of it is because we can be hindered by our past love experience. Part of it is because we’re not enough picky when it comes to choosing among that large pool of single people.

Some say there’s no part of seduction with online dating, especially with Tinder. “It must be particular to be in front of a man who already knows you desire him” said the actress Virginie Efira in a recent interview.

It’s not necessarily the case. Because the picture you see online may be different from what you have in front of you during the date. And looks aren’t everything. Personally, if I find the man very attractive but stupid and with zero conversation, I’m not sure I would show him I desire him. The same will apply if he’s mean with me.

Besides, because you never know in advance if your date would succeed, it’s worth spending time knowing your potential partner a little before meeting him/her. Two back and forth are not enough. I’ve learned my lesson from past failed experience. I hate wasting time with a guy who doesn’t interest me and who isn’t interested in me.

That also applies for Tinder.

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One thought on “There’s a limit to online dating

  1. jenfullmoon says:

    I don’t want to try online dating. I know it’s literally the only way to date any more, but I don’t want to meet someone in the context of “I am looking for someone to fuck and so are you” really. I don’t grow in attraction to someone upon knowing them–if they fall flat from minute one, I don’t end up changing my mind later. I find it very scary to be going on dates with people looking to bang when I don’t actually want to bang the dude–and some dudes really, really don’t react well to finding that out. And it’s literally been over a decade since I’ve felt like that about anybody, so everyone I date is going to fall flat with me, and that’s a lot of angry dudes to deal with.

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