life, love, relationships, thoughts, women

You’re not my everything (and it’s ok)

In his book “The all-or-nothing marriage”, the professor of social psychology Eli Finkle explains the people who have the higher-quality life are those who have a diversified social portfolios, aka people they go to for different sort of emotions. They don’t expect their partner to be their everything. They just accept their partner as they are.

Many experts say we have it wrong with the romantic idea to find someone who will be our everything.

Eli Finkle says everyone follows the Maslow pyramid to find happiness.

1200px-MaslowsHierarchyOfNeeds

We can’t expect to count on just one person to reach these needs. “How do you make somebody feel safe, and loved, and beautiful without making him or her feel complacent? How do you make somebody feel energetic, and hungry, and eager to work hard without making them feel like you disapprove of the person they currently are?” asks Eli Finkle. “You can do it within a given marriage, but they should be aware that that is what they’re asking the partner to do. They should be aware that in some sense, the pursuit of those goals are incompatible and they need to be developing a way of connecting together that can make it possible” he adds. “There’s no reason why it has to be the same person who plays both of those roles. I would just urge everybody, think about what you’re looking for from this one relationship and decide, are these expectations realistic in light of who I am, who my partner is, what the dynamics that we have together are? If so, how are we going to achieve all of these things together? Or alternatively, how can we relinquish some of these roles that we play in each others’ lives, and outsource them to, say, another member of your social network“.

Do we risk to feel distant from our partner if we diversify our social relationships? After all, we are jealous animals. But we’re mainly jealous when our partner starts to cheat on us.  Trust is also really important in every relationship.

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celibacy, life, love, relationships, wedding, women

Marrying late (against all odds)

Is it possible to get married for the first time at a late age? Yes. In 2012, an 88-year-old home resident got married for the first time to a fellow resident she met just six months earlier. One of my coworkers got married at 51 after living as a bachelor since he started working. His union was fragile at the beginning, because he wasn’t faithful to his new wife. He had an affair with a journalist from our newsroom. They tried to hide their affair but once a fellow journalist and I bumped into them while they were shopping hand in hand together. But he ended his affair, and his lover has developed a true hate for every of her coworkers since then. My coworker has stuck to his wife. He’s about to retire now, but wants to wait for her to retire so they can be together.

One of my mother’s friend got married at the first time at 61, to a widow she met at a ballroom dance class. She used to work abroad as a nurse, changing country regularly. But her sister got breast cancer and she decided to come back to our country to be close to her. Eventually, her sister recovered. She decided to stay.

It’s never too late to get married. But it’s against the odds. Past a certain age, the likelihood of staying single forever is increasing dramatically.  One of my friends is convinced that men above 35 are reluctant to commit. That’s why she advised me and her other single friends to look for younger men. I’m not convinced a 30-year-old guy is more likely to commit than a 45-year-old man.  Maybe younger men are more easily convinced to get married than their older counterpart. With age, we tend to be less flexible and vulnerable, and to be more satisfied to be single.

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life, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Changes (the first move)

Now that the #metoo movement has gained traction, some people fear the relationship between men and women will never be the same. The line is however very clear between flirting and harassment/ sexual molestation. There is no problem when someone tell you how beautiful you are. It becomes a problem if that person asks you for a sexual favor or a kiss just after these words. But if it’s just an introduction for a casual conversation, it’s not a problem. Unfortunately, the person who tells you this may  not be very handsome. But if you don’t feel at ease with that, it’s always ok to be honest, or to shy away.

Men don’t deal very well with rejection. But it’s difficult for women as well. When I was younger, I had a crush on a guy who was my classmate. I dared to ask him to have a drink with me once, but he turned me down. I didn’t attempt to ask him again for a drink. Last year, he found me on Facebook, and asked me if it was possible to have  a drink with him. But I turned him down. As an answer, he unfriended me on Facebook. He could have been insulting with me, but he didn’t.

Some men, faced by rejection, insult the woman who turned down them. At my fitness club, two women recently discussed how insulting the men are because they don’t answer their questions while they are training. A woman who says no is not a slut.

Some say after the #metoo movement, women will make the first move more often, while men will avoid to say anything. With dating app like Bumble, and even Tinder, women can make the first move. Some men don’t mind.

The key, I guess, is to feel at ease. Nothing can be good if you feel on the defensive all of the time. But always listen to your feelings.

 

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