life, love, relationships, thoughts, women

You’re not my everything (and it’s ok)

In his book “The all-or-nothing marriage”, the professor of social psychology Eli Finkle explains the people who have the higher-quality life are those who have a diversified social portfolios, aka people they go to for different sort of emotions. They don’t expect their partner to be their everything. They just accept their partner as they are.

Many experts say we have it wrong with the romantic idea to find someone who will be our everything.

Eli Finkle says everyone follows the Maslow pyramid to find happiness.


We can’t expect to count on just one person to reach these needs. “How do you make somebody feel safe, and loved, and beautiful without making him or her feel complacent? How do you make somebody feel energetic, and hungry, and eager to work hard without making them feel like you disapprove of the person they currently are?” asks Eli Finkle. “You can do it within a given marriage, but they should be aware that that is what they’re asking the partner to do. They should be aware that in some sense, the pursuit of those goals are incompatible and they need to be developing a way of connecting together that can make it possible” he adds. “There’s no reason why it has to be the same person who plays both of those roles. I would just urge everybody, think about what you’re looking for from this one relationship and decide, are these expectations realistic in light of who I am, who my partner is, what the dynamics that we have together are? If so, how are we going to achieve all of these things together? Or alternatively, how can we relinquish some of these roles that we play in each others’ lives, and outsource them to, say, another member of your social network“.

Do we risk to feel distant from our partner if we diversify our social relationships? After all, we are jealous animals. But we’re mainly jealous when our partner starts to cheat on us.  Trust is also really important in every relationship.


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