broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, women

A feedback from your ex’s?

7.12.2016_small

In human resources,  a 360 degree feedback is sometimes applied to employees. Your chief and coworkers are asked to give their opinion on your professional performance. In theory. But I read once in Harvard Business Review a case when an employee was surprised about his coworkers’ evaluation. Because they depicted him as a passive-agressive personality.

But in relationships, feedbacks are not very used, especially during a break up. Some people are just overwhelmed by their emotions and try to keep the conversation at the bare minimum, because the words hurt. Some people are just too coward to break up. I had an ex who told me we should make a pause. Two days later, he sent me an SMS to say goodbye for good. And no, he wasn’t 15, or 20.

But I had an ex who asked what was wrong with him after I told him I wanted to leave him. It was difficult for me at the beginning, because I was so angry against him. But he held my hand, and it helped me to calm down. I told him how hurt I was to never have any call from him, and how frustrated I was to be the only one to contact him. I also told him I didn’t like his arrogance, that  I felt he thought he was superior to me. He was a bit surprised when I told him that. I didn’t get back with him after that. But we remain friends.

So far, he’s the only one who has asked me about a feedback.

To be fair, I don’t have his courage. I never asked any of my ex’s any feedback.

One of my friends told me she only asked once one of her ex’s why it didn’t work between them. “I need to understand why he acted so distant with me” she said. “I wanted to know if I did anything to pull him away from me” she added. And her ex was really honest with her, to her surprise. “He could have just told me it was his fault, like some of my ex’s told me when we were breaking up” she said. My friend told me it helped her to avoid the same mistakes with another man.

Feedbacks aren’t always possible. One of my friends left her abusive ex and was relieved when she left him. “I don’t need any feedback from him. I just need to understand why I was attracted to him, because he was toxic” she said.

 

 

Advertisements
Standard
celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Not fond of your friend’s partner

keep_in_touch_plane

Recently, one of my friends asked me why I didn’t try to stop his relationship with his ex. He broke up with her four years ago, after a four years relationship. During their relationship, he told me several times he wasn’t happy with her, and I just asked him  why he wasn’t leaving her. But he didn’t attempt to break up with her. Until after one night, he fainted after a violent argument with her. That day, he understood he had to leave her. She was verbally abusive with him all of the time, and used him as a trophy .

Honestly, I don’t think I could have succeed in stopping him to date her. I could have lost him if I tried, because he could have stayed with her anyway. I didn’t know how bad was his relationship with her, because he didn’t tell me anything about his relationship, except from time to time that he was unhappy. I’ve only met her twice during their relationship, during a short period, so I couldn’t see if she was verbally abusive to him.

Should you try to make your friend break up with his/her partner because you don’t like him/her?

Your intervention in your friend’s relationship, especially if unwanted by your friend, can backfire. When we’re in love, all we want, is to be with the person we love. We tend to forget about our friends. During this period, we can’t listen to eventual warnings our friends are trying to tell us. “I’ve lost some friends this way” told one of my friends. “I told a friend of mine her boyfriend wasn’t nice at all with her, but she got offended when I said that. She took her distance with me after that” she said.

It’s difficult to criticise your friend’s partner, because you don’t really know what is going on between them, because you don’t live with them (unless you are roommates). You can’t change your friend’s mind just by saying you don’t like his/her significant other. Your friend may even think you’re jealous of their relationship, especially if you’re single.

If you collect only failed relationships, you’re not in a good place to give relationship advices to your friend who try  to build a relationship.

But you can react when you see your friend struggling with his/her significant other. For example, if you witness your friend being criticised for no good reason, or yelled at for no good reason. That’s normal to stand for your friend in those cases.

If your friend ask you about his/her relationship and how right it is, yes, you can be honest with your friend. Your friend can have doubt about his/her relationship.

Personally, I don’t like if my friends give me advices on my relationship if I don’t ask for it.

Standard
life, love, relationships, thoughts, women

Criticism

Criticism, or constant criticism, is one of the four horsemen of relationships, according to John Gottman, who spends decades to study relationships. If you criticise your significant other all of the time, there’s a good chance he/she would take his/her distance sooner or later with you.

But there’s a world between criticism. If you criticise your partner because you’re hurt by his/her behaviour, for example if he/she always talks about himself/herself, the best way to turn around this situation is to tell your partner how you feel. If your partner take notice and adapt his/her behaviour after that, you can tell he/she cares for you. But if he/she doesn’t do anything and continue to be selfish, it’s a sign he/she doesn’t take into account your feeling.

But if you criticise your partner on his/her weight, height, on the way he/she looks, it’s just demeaning for your partner. “Any criticism that has to do with body image is generally a touchy area,” says  April Masini, a relationship expert. “For instance, height, freckles, big breasts, small breasts, big rear end, small rear end, waist size, hair, nose, skin tone — these are all areas that people tend to concern themselves with about their own bodies, and they worry about how they may appear to others.”

One of my friends is dating a woman who criticises his body in front of other people whenever she’s drunk. My friend told me he feels very diminished and hurt by her behaviour. His partner never remembers the nights when she verbally attacks him. As a result, my friend is thinking about ending his relationship.

If you criticise your partner about his/her family, friends, career, education, there’s a good chance your partner will turn away from you at some point, because you create a toxic environment for your relationship.

People who criticise their significant other all of the time may have a low self esteem. “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all” says one of my friends. The world would be a better place if people behave like that.

Standard
celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, women

Those who don’t want commitment

Some people don’t want a relationship. Millenials, for example, don’t want to get married, and have a family, because they fear their professional future. My younger cousins, who are 20, never introduced to our family any girlfriend (or boyfriend). When I asked them if they plan to get married some day, they just shrug their shoulders. But they told me they have it difficult with their studies and fear the day when they will have to search for work, as their tiny experience with the professional world has been difficult so far. My young cousins prefer to drown down their sorrow in parties with their group of   friends.

One of my coworkers, who’s 30, can’t stay in any relationship. He’s mean with the women he dates, as some friends and I saw when we bump into him in cafe and restaurants in our city. His Facebook status has often changed from “in a relationship” to “single” in a matter of weeks. When he’s involved in a relationship, he can’t help flirting with our female coworkers, especially the newly hired. “I guess he’s just fearful” says one of my friends, who knows him. I don’t think he would ever change.

Some people, like my coworker, don’t want be in a relationship because they want their freedom to flirt and get laid as much as possible.

But there are people who used to be involved in a marriage or a long-term relationship who don’t want to commit anymore. Diminished after two divorces, one of my friends has stayed single for ten years now. And he says he doesn’t want to live with someone else anymore, nor to get married again. He says he’s just too difficult to live with.

Some people have also difficulties to trust new people in their life. Because they were abused in the past, or because of their background, they fear any commitment.

But sometimes, it’s best to be single, rather than in a relationship.

Standard