life, love, thoughts, women

Love at first sight

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Love at first sight can happen between two persons. Usually, at first, we feel a strong attraction to the other one, but we try to deny our feelings. Because it can happen we are struck by love at first sight while we’re already in a relationship, married, with children. It’s difficult to resist to that feeling even though you will lose your marriage in the process. But our feeling is so strong we don’t even think about the consequences of your act. People just follow their heart when they are struck by love at first sight.

But does it mean it will last forever? Love at first sight can be not mutual, and it can die quickly because the love isn’t met. When it’s mutual, it’s not guaranteed to last either. Because as the biologist Helen Fisher says, love lasts only two years. After, you start to get annoyed by your partner. What you found so charming at the beginning suddenly turns you off.

It can even fizzle before the two years period. One of my friends left her long term relationship for a married man who decided to divorce for her (in fact, it was his wife who wanted a divorce), but unfortunately, their relationship only lasted six months, because they didn’t come from the same social circles, and their relationship was not validated by their family and friends, as they thought my friend just lost her mind. Eventually, my friend’s lover left her for another woman. So the feeling may be high at the beginning, but the landing can be really hard.

The person you just see across the room now and who seems illuminated by a halo may not be a great match for you after all. It’s only a physical attraction, with a need to know everything about our significant other. Men are more driven by this kind of feelings than women, as they are visual creatures.

But only the long run can tell if your love at first sight can last. True love takes time. The New York Times wedding sections relates many cases when the bride and groom took their time to fall in love and decide to get married.

Only fools rush in.

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celibacy, relationships, sex, thoughts, women

A compromise on sex

When we love someone, we avoid to communicate our significant other our sexual preferences, unless he/she asks for it. Sometimes, it’s obvious, because we don’t want to touch our significant other and prefer to masturbate next to him/her. But sometimes, it’s not obvious. We may be driven into playing doctor/nurse with our partner, or into threesomes, hard sex, outdoor sex, BDSM, golden shower,… But it may turn our partner doesn’t  share at all our sexual preferences.

And that’s how you can end up into a sexless relationship, because your significant other think you’re not into sex.

In any case, it’s best to be honest with your partner, and to reveal your sexual preferences sooner or later. It’s also best to be honest with your partner if you don’t want to touch him/her anymore about the reasons you don’t want to.

On the blog “School of life”, there’s also an advice interesting: write down what you expect from sex, and ask your partner to do so. You may find some common points in your lists. And it’s a good way to communicate with your partner. Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, we can’t think rationally and hear our partner.

I don’t think we can find someone who likes 100% of our list of sexual preferences. So in a sense, there’s always a compromise to do, even with sex. It’s not good either if you accept everything your partner wants without receiving anything back. Sometimes, people do accept because they feel they would lose their partner. It’s not a good idea to accept a threesome because your significant other wants to, or go to swinging places because he/she wants to, and you don’t. You may not enjoy the experience if  you’re not into that.

But there are always some common points with your significant other. If not, ask yourself if you made the right choice.

Besides, some people are more turned on by sexting, erotism, … rather than sex in its physical form.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Why not serious?

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Love coaches advise to avoid putting you’re looking for a serious relationship in your online profile on OKCupid, Tinder,… Even if you’re looking for a serious relationship. That’s a paradoxe. Because most of people even on Tinder are looking for a serious relationship.

Is it because it’s obvious that we don’t have to put that on our online profile? Not really. Because our feelings can change. It’s best to be honest with someone about what you are looking for before the first date. But even those who “know” what they want can change their minds

It can even backfire if you say you want a serious relationship right away. A bit as if you say you want to marry the person you just met. But what is then the definition of a “serious relationship”?. The most obvious answer is “nothing short term” like a one night stand. It doesn’t necessarily means commitment.

Eva Illouz, a sociologist, relates in her book “Pourquoi l’amour fait mal?” many cases of long term relationships ending up because one member of the couple wanted more than the other. Many men collect long term relationship where they don’t invest themselves that much. They only see their significant other  twice a week, go on holidays and weekends with her, but don’t want to live with their significant other,  share a bank account, have children,… They push their partner to their limits, and let them do the breakup by either pulling away or constantly refusing their partner’s needs.

Some people like this situation because they feel the most wanted in the relationship. It’s easier to be put in the position where you are asked than when you ask. Some men like my ex don’t really want commitment because they feel better alone. But from time to time, they need to feel the presence of a woman in their life. They are comforted by the thought they can always find a woman on dating sites.

It can even happen that both partners don’t say I love you to each other during their long term relationship. Because when you love someone, all you want is to be with him/her. You don’t pace your relationship to a meeting twice a week. You want to spend every hour, day, night with the person you love.

So, people who are looking for a serious relationship, especially men, are not looking for a committed relationship. They just want to avoid the harsh situation of a one night stand with someone who’s a total stranger to them.

That’s why love coaches advice especially women not to put they’re looking for a serious relationship in their online profile.

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celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The borderline personality

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Some men, who are commitment fearful, look for a woman with a borderline personality. They look after these women who can sleep with strangers just after a few verbal exchanges, who can burst into anger during an argument, who are very emotional if they fear they are abandoned, who are sexually impulsive, with unstable mood, who abuse substances (alcohol, weed,…),… “You don’t get bored with those people” says one of my friends. For sure, if you like a relationship which is like a rollercoaster, a borderline personality may be a match made in heaven for you. But there’s a catch, because it’s not easy to receive a call in the middle of the night by your lover who threatens to commit suicide. Also, you don’t know on what foot to stand with that kind of personality.  They can set fire to your car, you house, or kill your cat because you were flirting with the waitress at the restaurant. And people who abuse substances of all kinds are dependent, and if they are deprived from their substance, they enter into an unpleasant state.

Some men like these kind of women because they feel like a saviour and a hero. There’s also a sense of danger with a borderline personality. Some people like that.

Have you ever slept with a stranger?” asked of my ex’s. “Where did you have sex in public places?” he asked. “Do you smoke weed?” he added. He was looking for a borderline personality in me. Unfortunately for him (and thankfully for me!), I’m  not like that. I’m really really boring.

I guess he had found his match now.

I don’t say all men fall for borderline women. My ex is himself a bit troubled. Sometimes, those kind of men who look for a borderline woman only reproduce their familial situation. One of my friends whose mother is bipolar is living with a bipolar man. We look for people who treat us in familiar ways.

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broken heart, celibacy, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Left for someone else

To be left for someone else is probably the worst experience in life. You feel rejected, diminished, and you wonder what you don’t have and what ‘s wrong with you. It’s a betrayal.

I’ve been twice left for somebody else. The last case is very recent, but although I don’t love the guy, it hurts. The first time it happened, when I learned he was with somebody else, I fainted. We were together for seven months, when he became suddenly distant, and asked me if we could do a break. He was already seeing her during our break.  And he didn’t tell me he met someone else. One of my friends told me he had someone else. It was a shock for me. I asked him to leave me alone, and to stop contacting me. Months passed, until one day, he asked me if we could have a coffee. He was still with the other woman at the time. But he told me he needed me, and after many many excuses from him, we got back together, despite him being still a relationship. Years passed, and we managed to stay together. His relationship got sour, but we didn’t officially got back together.

I don’t say we should go back with the person who left us for somebody else. Because it depends on both people. People who leave their significant other for somebody else don’t necessarily regret their decision and feel guilty about this. Some people realise their new significant other is better than their old partner. Don’t waste your time trying to win back your ex if it’s the case. You will end up hurt again.

But what if your ex comes back and begs you to forgive him/ her ? In this case, follow your heart.

In this case, it really depends on the quality of your relationship before your significant other left you for someone else. In my case, I love him to death. He’s my best friend. We respect each other, and we care a lot for each other.

If your relationship was shaky before he left you for someone else,  maybe it’s not a good idea to get back with him. If he didn’t text you at all, didn’t show any interest for you, acted cold and distant with you all of the time, going back with him will mean you would probably go back to the same kind of relationship.  He will probably tries to go back with you because his relationship is over, because he’s bored, because he just wants to have sex,… It doesn’t mean anything to him.

And it takes time to forget the one who left you for somebody else. The betrayal is painful.

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celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts

Bad encounter

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He’s on  Tinder, with a sole picture of his face, taken in chiaroscuro. Some female magazines warn you not to swipe right those kind of pictures. Those who use this art technique for their profile picture don’t want to be recognised on Tinder, either because they are famous (TV presenters, comedians, …) or because they don’t want their female acquaintances to recognise them. If you swipe right him by accident, and don’t engage the conversation, he will try to connect with you. He will ask for a date right away, without asking you any questions. If you don’t answer his invitation, he will keep on sending you an invitation to a date, until you say yes. You tell yourself why not after all. It’s just a drink. It won’t lead you anywhere. You’ve been there many times, to those dates where after just 30 minutes, your friends send you a message so you have an excuse to run away from your bad date.

He’s late on your first date. You tell yourself you’re weak to wait for him. You don’t know yet he’s not worth your time. He has apologised for his tardiness, saying he’s never late, usually. You don’t believe him. He tells you to order a drink and wait for him. You look around you, and see a group of three men next to your table. You should have started the conversation with them, but you’re too shy to interrupt their conversation. And they don’t look at you. Only the waitress notices there’s something wrong, and tells you you can’t stay here for long, because the place is booked for a birthday party. She tells you that with a big smile and wink at you. She’s seen many bad dates where the guy or the woman was a no show at all.

It’s raining outside. The sky has cracked several times. You manage to reach the bar where your date is set between two thunders and heavy rain. But he doesn’t. When he arrives at the bar, he’s soaking wet. You feel sorry for him. Even though you shouldn’t. You look  at him, and you feel a bit disappointed because he’s not that handsome. But you tell yourself you’re not shallow, and he’s not that unattractive, even if his clothes are wet and stick to his body. He’s  not athletic, so the view is not exciting. You think the guys you see at your gym would all look hot in that situation. He’s not. But he starts the conversation, and try to make you at ease. He’s nice with you, listens to what you say and asks you questions again, without interrupting you when you talk. You think the evening is lovely with him, but when he asks you to go somewhere for a last drink, you just tells him you have to leave because you have something to do early tomorrow. He seems disappointed but asks you when you want to see him again. So you set another date with him, a week later, because you want to analyse the date. You’ve been so burned before by players of all kinds. You are on the defensiveness.

Two days later, he sends you a message, asking you if you’re available for a lunch one of these days, despite the date you set. You accept, because he proposed to come near your office so you don’t waste your time in public transport. You find it a bit weird to have lunch with him. Your previous dates all happened at night. None of the guys you dated before asked you to have lunch with him. And you find him a bit impatient. He doesn’t want to respect the pace you set.

He’s on time, this time. When you see him on the street, you tell yourself again, you don’t find him very attractive. He tells you he has a call on 2pm so you don’t have much time to  talk to him. During the conversation, he compliments you on the way you look. You thank him. And blush. Because he looks at you in a way it makes you a bit uncomfortable. He doesn’t try to touch you. The other guys you dated did show you they were attracted to you by touching your forearm, mirroring your behaviour or even holding your hand. He offers you to walk back with you to your office. He doesn’t try to hold your hand, or to kiss you.

The D Date for your date, he invites you at his place, because he lives near the center of the town. He says you could walk easily to the restaurant from his place. He doesn’t lie. You think he will make his advance because it’s his place. But when you arrive at his apartment, he just welcomes you like he would welcome a friend. He asks you if you want to have a drink before going to the restaurant. Instead of one glass, he drinks three. You see he’s nervous.When you arrive at the restaurant, the place is already full. But he talks to the manager, who promises him a table in ten minutes. The manager offers us a drink outside as a compensation for the waiting period. And there, out of nowhere, he tells you you’re beautiful, and that he wants to kiss you. He adds he had to drink to have the courage to say this, because he thought you would reject him. You feel smitten. During the dinner, he bends several times to kiss you. He holds your hand and doesn’t want to leave it even when you eat. You tell to yourself you’re going to sleep with him tonight. Because you feel chill in your body every time he touches  you.

You think about Stormi Daniels, the porn star who used to be Donald Trump’s mistress. She said we all sleep with people we will regret. You tell yourself you will regret to sleep with him when you arrive at his apartment. And when he undresses you, you think if he doesn’t call you tomorrow, he’s just an asshole. Then, out of nowhere, his hand hits your ass. Not once. During the night, he hits it several times. It doesn’t hurt, but none of your previous lovers did this. You had some who pinched yours gently, and it stopped there. He tells you how beautiful you are, and how he’s excited. He talks a lot during sex. You would like him to shut up. It’s very late at night, and he offers you to stay at his place. But you tell to yourself you can’t wake up and leave him sleeping. His grip makes you understand you need to stay.

The morning after, when the morning hunts you down, you just drink your coffee while he returns to his bed. He makes the effort to wake up and accompany you to the front door of his building. He doesn’t say anything except goodbye. You don’t expect him to call you.

A day later, he leaves you a message, asking you how you are. He asks you for another date with him, but only during the week. It’s saturday, but he has other plans.  You agree to see him the next Wednesday and he agrees. He doesn’t text you during that break.

That day, he welcomes you by undressing you, and spanks you. After sex, he asks you if you want to go out, or stay at his place. It’s raining outside, and the thunder strikes again. You don’t feel to go out. So he offers you to cook for you. And tells you to talk to him. But you don’t know what to say. So you ask him questions. And you let him do the talk. He doesn’t ask you questions anymore. Instead, everytime you tell him something, he critizes it. He also guns down every topic you bring in the conversation, and tries to prove you wrong. You don’t find him so charming at all at that moment.  You think the veil has come down. This time, he’s not as passionated  when you have sex. After letting you come on him, he throws away the condom, but you know he hasn’t come.  He asks you to do a hand job. And when he’s about to come, he tells you he wants to ejaculate on your face. You accept. You feel his sperm running down your face, and crashing into your hair. The bad news is you will have to sleep like that, with his sperm on your hair. You don’t sleep well. Also because his phone rings during the night, several times.

The next morning, you feel a bit disoriented. You leave him. But you just want to have a shower and stay in bed. A friend of yours asks you to come at her place, but you refuse. You feel a bit disgusting.

This time, he leaves you no message. Days go by, until you decide to call him and ask him to see each other. He accepts, but again, only during the week. You feel a bit hesitant to go to his place again. Because you don’t know how he will react.  He doesn’t make you at ease. This time, he doesn’t touch you. He just asks you to have a drink with him. And then, he tells you he bought a Da Vinci IQ, a vaporizer for weed. He’s been smoking that non stop for the past five days. He offers you to share a puff with him. You accept. At least, when he’s high, he’s not mean with you. But he doesn’t touch you. He lets you sleep with him. And again, his phone rings several times during the night.

The next morning, he makes you hurry up because he has to be at the opposite of the town in an hour. He’s cold and distant. He just kisses you when you leave his apartment.

Again, he leaves you no message. But this time, you don’t contact him. Days go by, and you don’t get any news from him. You feel he’s trying to ghost you. You’re worried about that. So you break your rule and asks him why he’s not contacting you. And then he tells you he met somebody else, and that he should have told you earlier. You drop your phone, and feel your hand shaking. You don’t reply to him.

Since then, he has vanished.  You just make sure he will never come back into your life. Never.

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broken heart, celibacy, dating site, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Why doesn’t he contact you?

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The most obvious answer to this question is because he doesn’t want to see you anymore. And he’s too coward to tell you that face to face, or even send you a text.

It’s a horrible situation for the receiver of this. Because at first, you tell yourself he will probably call you or text you sooner or later. But days go by, and you don’t have any news from him. No invitation to see each other. Nothing. You didn’t see it coming when you were together. He used to call you to set dates, to invite you to his place or to the restaurant. You wonder if you have missed some signs. But it’s not easy to tell you will end up getting no news from him. Yet, the feeling won’t let you sleep.

Sometimes, after weeks, or months, you will get some news from the vanisher. He’s probably bored, or just got out of a relationship, and thinks about you at that moment. It means nothing for him. And yes, you’re a fool if you reply to his message (unless you tell him to go fuck himself). The silent treatment also tells him to go fuck himself.

Some of my ex’s were vanisher like that. But the funny part of this story is that I still see two of them from time to time, just to catch up. We don’t see each other very much. I only see one of them twice a year. We just chat, and laugh, like old friends. He never contacts me. From the first time we met, I was always the one who initiated the contact. But he always replied. It’s just that he doesn’t contact me. It drove me mad, and after two weeks of no contact from him, I sent him a text saying we were over. He got mad when he received this, and told me if I wanted to break up with him, I had to tell him face to face. So we met a cafe near my place, when I told him it was over. And I didn’t hear from him, until the day of my birthday, when he sent me a message to wish me a happy birthday. He wished me a happy new year. I ended up going with him to a restaurant, and we had a long chat. That night, I understood I couldn’t expect anything from him. It was easy because time eased the pain, and I dated other men after him. He also dated other women. We’re just happy to see each other, as friends.

When someone doesn’t bother to call you anymore, don’t insist. Yes, that person doesn’t want to see you anymore, otherwise he would have called you. Don’t call him, don’t go to his place. Spend time with your friends, your family, do the things you love, and date other people. You might find someone who really wants to be with you.

 

 

 

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