broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, thoughts, women

The Dylan McKay

Luke Perry, who just passed away (R.I.P) was known for his character in Beverly Hills 90210: Dylan McKay. When I was young, every of my female friend wished secretly to have a boyfriend like him. Because women don’t like when it’s too easy… But in my high school, none of the guys were close to Dylan McKay. No one rode a Porsche,  read poetry, and was rich that much in my High School. And guys who were tormented were just weirdo. Girls didn’t circle them. In other words, there were a lot of Brandon, aka the nice guy, in male groups during my high school. But no Dylan McKay.

My high school sweetheart was a bit tormented though, especially during the last year of our class. He was drunk most of the time when we used to go out with our group, during concerts, parties, exhibitions, … Once, he even ended in jail for destructing a booth in a fair, under the influence of alcohol. So in a sense, he was a bit a Dylan McKay. In other words, he was a bad boy.

Women are driven to bad boys. Recently, one of my coworkers told me she felt attracted to a TV anchor  who used to be a thief and ended in jail. “There’s something about him” she told me. 

But the Dylan McKay is just a fling. No one expected to end up in a long term relationship with a bad boy. Jonathan Franzen, in his book “Freedom”, theorizes this. Patty, his main character, end up with Walter, the nice guy, and not Richard, the bad boy, who just wants to remain alone.

It reminds me about the book “antifragile” written by the mathematician Nassim Taleb. He says women should marry the accountant or the economist, the boring guy,  who can provide, and have a good time with the rock star, aka the bad boy, once in a while. So, the Dylan McKay isn’t a good option. Unless you enjoy to be in a relationship that is like a roller coaster.

Standard
broken heart, life, love, thoughts, women

The fragile seven years

Every couple is fragile during their first years together. The first seven years, if you can reach that stage, are the most fragile. Especially if you have children with your significant other. Or just one child. A child doesn’t cement your relationship. When you have a baby, your center of attention changes. All circle around your newborn. You don’ t sleep well because of your newborn, and you can stress about your little one because it’s a new experience and you can fear to do not well.  You can feel tired because of lack of sleep. And very irritable because of that.

On top of that, you can feel isolated from your significant other.  Because when we fall in love, we don’t focus on the little things unpleasant our significant other does. Worse, we can fall in love with someone who are just like the parent we have the most difficulties.  One of my friends fell in love with a woman who was terrorizing him, like his father did with him. She was mean with him. He even fell unconscious after a fight with her. All of his friends hated her. They told him he should leave her. But she left him after four years together for another man. And he still resented her.

Why  do we do that? Because we look for something familiar. But it’s ill-fated. Because we try to save our partner, to change him/her, in hope for a better future.  People don’t change much. If you can’t handle his/her defaults, you can grow tired of your significant other. 

I was touched by this post posted on the blog Broadside. She said her significant other is her rock. If you can’t say that about your significant other, maybe it’s time to question your relationship.  A rock is “someone you can turn to who’s as firm and solid as a boulder, something steady and calm to lean against and take shelter behind, a fixed point you know will be there the next day and the next and the next, no matter what happens” writes the author on her blog. In other words, your significant other should be your best friend. Not someone you can’t rely on.

A child is a blessing, but also a big challenge. It’s best if you can count on your significant other to care for your little one. Unfortunately, some men are scared by parenthood and find the easy way out. They spend more time at work, or take a mistress, or start a new passion, … anything that would make them unavailable.  By pulling out like that, chances are their significant other will grow apart from them.

So yes, we can choose the wrong person. And even marry that person. We all fail, from time to time. The long run will tell you if your significant other is your rock. The test of time is maybe the only way to know if you found the right person. That’s why the first seven years are important. Even if one of my friends took 11 years to realize her husband was the not the right one. And even me.

Standard
broken heart, celibacy, relationships, thoughts, women

The high risks with a separated man

catinabox

Recently, I met a man who told me he was just separated with his wife. It’s been only three months they have separated, and he’s still live with her and their two children, even though they share a house and an apartment in order to live apart from each other. He told me he went to several dates since his separation. One of his dates didn’t want to pursue with him after that. I guess she felt the same way than me. I fear he would realise sooner or later his mistake and come back to his wife. His date was seeing other men, and she told him she decided to pursue a relationship with one of them. I just tell him I don’t see a positive evolution with him as he’s still lives with his wife and he shares with her many mutual friends. He told me he would spend his summer going with their friends abroad where his wife would be there.

Some women don’t bother to date a separated man, because they know he feels alone and hurt. But he also has a lot of resentment from his previous relationship. He may not be emotionally available. My date, for example, didn’t ask many questions to me when we matched on Tinder. He didn’t even try to google me.  He just said he wanted to meet him to see if we could be compatible. I already had some bad intuitions about our meeting.

Some of my dates did their homework before meeting me for the first time. One of them is a CEO, who always looks for informations about the person he will meet. It’s a good way to make the person feel interesting. I told him I ran at the time two blogs, and he read both of it before meeting me  and asked questions about it. He was one of the best dates I’ve been so far.

But I don’t say it’s always ill-fated to date a separated man, because it depends on how it ended, and also where he sits in his life.  A friend of mine left his previous relationship and wanted to live closer to his work. So when it was over, he moved out. He didn’t have many friends in common with his ex, who could have acted a cement between her and he. He didn’t have any child with her. So he had a fresh start in his new home town, and he wanted to share his experience with a new partner.

So, if he tells you he’s separated, ask questions about why it ended, and how he’s interacting with his future ex-wife. These are precious indications. But the most important is the way he treats you. If he doesn’t do what he promises, if he leaves you without contacting you for weeks, if he criticises you out of the blue and makes you feel belittled, if he cheats on you, maybe he’s not worth your time.

Standard
broken heart, celibacy, life, love, relationships, thoughts

Do all men come back to their ex?

“All guys come back to their ex, in some ways”. That’s what I heard recently in a bar. From my experience, I can tell that all of my ex’s didn’t come back to me.  There are some who completely disappear from my life and it’s been years, decades even, since we broke up. One of them was a foreign student during my College year. He went back to his country after finishing College. I’ve never heard about him anymore. One of them was a friend. We used to hang out a lot when we were in High School, but after we broke up, he didn’t want to speak to me anymore.

But that was before Facebook. None of them tried to reconnect with me through that social media. Post Facebook, I’ve noticed my ex’s who are still among my “friends” sometimes like my posts and pictures. But they don’t initiate contact with me. They don’t ask if I’m doing good, but they see it on Facebook.  That social media makes us lazy…

There are some who only wish me a happy birthday and a happy new year. And that’s all they have to say.

So, it seems Facebook has done a good job of allowing ex’s to remain in contact. In some forms of contact.

Ex’s who really come back to me are an exception in my life. But two of them are just friends with me now.  “If he really comes back into your life, it’s because he’s your soulmate” says one of my friends.

Standard
broken heart, celibacy, relationships, thoughts, women

The St Bernard

file_22150_beethoven-saint-bernard

A St Bernard type of personality is characterised by a will to do everything to save the other. Those who work in the medical profession like MD, nurses, social assistants, …are prone to this kind of personality. But in relationship, it could backfire.

I met recently a guy who told me he was a saviour. He just got out of a relationship with a bipolar woman. “She was everything I want from a woman, except she was really violent with me” he told me. He added he lost a lot of money to help her during his relationship with her. And he gained 22 pounds during his relationship, as if he wanted to protect him from her. He also told me he was seeing a psychologist. “Why did you choose a woman who was fragile?” I asked him. He replied he thought he could change her.

It’s foolish because bipolar personality can’t be healed by love, unfortunately. Bipolar people often end alone so yes, you can feel guilty to leave them alone. But sometimes, it’s best to take your distance. “My wife and her sister don’t speak to their dad anymore. He’s bipolar, and when he’s in his “up” period, he harasses  them on the phone. He even showed several times at their office just to speak to them. He got beaten in the street, several times, by men. I guess he insulted them. One day, we fear he will die like that” said one of my friends.

St Bernard people hope to change positively their significant other. They choose people with an addiction like drugs or alcohol (or both), who have mental problems, financial problems, … with the hope to save them. It may work in short term, because those with an addiction can stop to use drug or drink alcohol. But there is always a risk they could return to their addiction.  Some people with financial problems can be always caught in those problems, especially those who are shopping compulsive. Yet, they stay in the relationship, ever if the relationship is toxic for them. One of my friends often cries when she speaks about her significant other, who is toxic to her. But it’s been seven years now they are together, and she doesn’t want to leave her, even though she started to cheat on her significant other. My friend is always broke because she pays everything for her significant other, who often get fired from her job.

But sometimes, we search for familiar situations in our relationship, which related to our difficult childhood. St Bernard people are not immune from this.

 

Standard
broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The feelings after a breakup

landscape-1500563256-fatal-attraction

After a breakup, we don’t deal the same way with our emotions. It depends on the way the breakup happened. If the breakup was mutual because you realised you don’t love each other anymore, you can feel released and free. It’s not the same when the breakup wasn’t mutual.

One of my friends doesn’t deal well with a breakup. Usually, she sees all the men she dated turn cold and avoid her, until they say it’s over. And it drives her nuts. She sends to her ex’s many many messages. She stalks them on social medias, and comments every post. She’s jealous every time a woman post a comment on her ex’s profile. But it’s her way to deal with the breakup, because after three months of harassment, she usually realised she doesn’t feel anything for her ex’s anymore. Maybe it’s a way for her to understand it’s really over. But I suspect her ex’s help her in some ways, by not replying to her messages, by telling her to leave them alone, and by unfriending her on Facebook and other social medias. Has she found someone who would rebel against her behaviour but found this exciting, she would have had difficult to move on.

Some people feel rage against their ex when it’s over. But it’s kind of normal if the breakup was brutal, and if our ex didn’t take any glove to tell us it’s over. For example, if the breakup happens after an argument. Or if your future ex tells you he/she found some one else. You feel as if  the world collapsed below your feet. It’s difficult to remain calm after this.  Some people will try to harm their ex, while other will just cry. Some people can feel depressed after a painful breakup. They don’t want to go out anymore, and live in the numbness in the background.

This phase is temporary. Most of us jump back on our feet after that. If it’s not  the case, maybe it’s the sign you’re into depression. Seek help.

Some people will try to get back with their ex. They will try to get her/him jealous, or beg their ex to take them back. But it’s not a good strategy, because even if our ex comes back into our life, it will be because he/she feels jealous or guilty. Needless to say, it’s a shaky and fragile ground to start back your relationship. It’s against all odds. Especially if your ex left you for someone else. Chances are he/she’s in love, and won’t hesitate to ignore you.

What’s the best way to deal with a nasty break up? Cry if you want, go cut his tires, trash his garden, … But then, focus on yourself. Spend time with your friend, find a new hobby, hit the gym, give your time for those in needs,…In all cases, spend your time away from your ex. It won’t help you to move on if you’re constantly hooked to your ex. You may realise you neglected your friends and  family, too numb by the breakup.

And no, women are not idiot because they can’t deal well with a breakup like my friend. It’s just their way of dealing with the breakup. Men may stay calm after a breakup, but their feeling will pinch them sooner or later.

 

Standard
broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Why not serious?

why_so_serious__by_r34n1m4t3d

Love coaches advise to avoid putting you’re looking for a serious relationship in your online profile on OKCupid, Tinder,… Even if you’re looking for a serious relationship. That’s a paradoxe. Because most of people even on Tinder are looking for a serious relationship.

Is it because it’s obvious that we don’t have to put that on our online profile? Not really. Because our feelings can change. It’s best to be honest with someone about what you are looking for before the first date. But even those who “know” what they want can change their minds

It can even backfire if you say you want a serious relationship right away. A bit as if you say you want to marry the person you just met. But what is then the definition of a “serious relationship”?. The most obvious answer is “nothing short term” like a one night stand. It doesn’t necessarily means commitment.

Eva Illouz, a sociologist, relates in her book “Pourquoi l’amour fait mal?” many cases of long term relationships ending up because one member of the couple wanted more than the other. Many men collect long term relationship where they don’t invest themselves that much. They only see their significant other  twice a week, go on holidays and weekends with her, but don’t want to live with their significant other,  share a bank account, have children,… They push their partner to their limits, and let them do the breakup by either pulling away or constantly refusing their partner’s needs.

Some people like this situation because they feel the most wanted in the relationship. It’s easier to be put in the position where you are asked than when you ask. Some men like my ex don’t really want commitment because they feel better alone. But from time to time, they need to feel the presence of a woman in their life. They are comforted by the thought they can always find a woman on dating sites.

It can even happen that both partners don’t say I love you to each other during their long term relationship. Because when you love someone, all you want is to be with him/her. You don’t pace your relationship to a meeting twice a week. You want to spend every hour, day, night with the person you love.

So, people who are looking for a serious relationship, especially men, are not looking for a committed relationship. They just want to avoid the harsh situation of a one night stand with someone who’s a total stranger to them.

That’s why love coaches advice especially women not to put they’re looking for a serious relationship in their online profile.

Standard