broken heart, celibacy, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Left for someone else

To be left for someone else is probably the worst experience in life. You feel rejected, diminished, and you wonder what you don’t have and what ‘s wrong with you. It’s a betrayal.

I’ve been twice left for somebody else. The last case is very recent, but although I don’t love the guy, it hurts. The first time it happened, when I learned he was with somebody else, I fainted. We were together for seven months, when he became suddenly distant, and asked me if we could do a break. He was already seeing her during our break.  And he didn’t tell me he met someone else. One of my friends told me he had someone else. It was a shock for me. I asked him to leave me alone, and to stop contacting me. Months passed, until one day, he asked me if we could have a coffee. He was still with the other woman at the time. But he told me he needed me, and after many many excuses from him, we got back together, despite him being still a relationship. Years passed, and we managed to stay together. His relationship got sour, but we didn’t officially got back together.

I don’t say we should go back with the person who left us for somebody else. Because it depends on both people. People who leave their significant other for somebody else don’t necessarily regret their decision and feel guilty about this. Some people realise their new significant other is better than their old partner. Don’t waste your time trying to win back your ex if it’s the case. You will end up hurt again.

But what if your ex comes back and begs you to forgive him/ her ? In this case, follow your heart.

In this case, it really depends on the quality of your relationship before your significant other left you for someone else. In my case, I love him to death. He’s my best friend. We respect each other, and we care a lof for each other.

If your relationship was shaky before he left you for someone else,  maybe it’s not a good idea to get back with him. If he didn’t text you at all, didn’t show any interest for you, acted cold and distant with you all of the time, going back with him will mean you would probably go back to the same kind of relationship.  He will probably tries to go back with you because his relationship is over, because he’s bored, because he just wants to have sex,… It doesn’t mean anything to him.

And it takes time to forget the one who left you for somebody else. The betrayal is painful.

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Why doesn’t he contact you?

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The most obvious answer to this question is because he doesn’t want to see you anymore. And he’s too coward to tell you that face to face, or even send you a text.

It’s a horrible situation for the receiver of this. Because at first, you tell yourself he will probably call you or text you sooner or later. But days go by, and you don’t have any news from him. No invitation to see each other. Nothing. You didn’t see it coming when you were together. He used to call you to set dates, to invite you to his place or to the restaurant. You wonder if you have missed some signs. But it’s not easy to tell you will end up getting no news from him. Yet, the feeling won’t let you sleep.

Sometimes, after weeks, or months, you will get some news from the vanisher. He’s probably bored, or just got out of a relationship, and thinks about you at that moment. It means nothing for him. And yes, you’re a fool if you reply to his message (unless you tell him to go fuck himself). The silent treatment also tells him to go fuck himself.

Some of my ex’s were vanisher like that. But the funny part of this story is that I still see two of them from time to time, just to catch up. We don’t see each other very much. I only see one of them twice a year. We just chat, and laugh, like old friends. He never contacts me. From the first time we met, I was always the one who initiated the contact. But he always replied. It’s just that he doesn’t contact me. It drove me mad, and after two weeks of no contact from him, I sent him a text saying we were over. He got mad when he received this, and told me if I wanted to break up with him, I had to tell him face to face. So we met a cafe near my place, when I told him it was over. And I didn’t hear from him, until the day of my birthday, when he sent me a message to wish me a happy birthday. He wished me a happy new year. I ended up going with him to a restaurant, and we had a long chat. That night, I understood I couldn’t expect anything from him. It was easy because time eased the pain, and I dated other men after him. He also dated other women. We’re just happy to see each other, as friends.

When someone doesn’t bother to call you anymore, don’t insist. Yes, that person doesn’t want to see you anymore, otherwise he would have called you. Don’t call him, don’t go to his place. Spend time with your friends, your family, do the things you love, and date other people. You might find someone who really wants to be with you.

 

 

 

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Can we be friend with our ex?

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Recently, I met someone who told me he was friends with two women he dated thanks to Tinder. One of them is currently in a relationship with another man. But she still calls him and invites him for a drink to catch up. The other one invites him for her parties, and he reciprocates.

But is this friendship genuine? A true friendship between people involves contacts, presence, and moral (sometimes material) support. Friends are there in difficult times as well as in good times.

Some people keep their ex as ” friend” just in case to have an option when they are single. When they are in a relationship, they forget about their friend. This friendship is shallow and not sustainable in the long term.

It’s also cruel to ask your ex to be friends when you just break up the relationship. Friendship is difficult if you still resent the end of your relationship and want to scratch the face of the one who just broke your heart.

It’s also difficult to remain in a platonic friendship with someone you were attracted to and who saw you naked several times.

Many of my genuine friends told me it’s never a good idea to remain friend with an ex. Most of my friends are not friend with their ex. One of them tried to remain friend with her ex, but her ex has disappeared from the picture when she got married.

My true friendship with my male friends has developed over time, and none of them are my ex. We don’t share a sentimental past. These guys crossed my path in difficult times and we are there for each other.

Time tears apart the shallow friendships.

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Wuthering heights (not good enough for you)

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Recently, one of my friends told a story about his ex’ s daughter and the man who used to be his significant other. His ex asked her daughter to stop this relationship because her man didn’t come from the same social circle than her family. “He’s a good guy, who fought hard to be where he is today. He’s smart. He has grit, and he has succeeded in his career. But he has not blue blood, and my ex wants for her daughter to date blue blood” he said. His relationship was also doomed because his ex didn’t like he wasn’t coming from a wealth family, even if my friend is a respected academic.

His ex comes from an industrial family which is very well known in my country. In theses families, there is a strong pressure to keep their prestige. My friend met her at a cocktail in the British embassy of my country.

It seems like since “wuthering heights”, nothing has changed much. In Emily Bronte’s novel, Catherine falls in love with Heathcliff but can’t marry him because of his low social status and lack of education.

My friend said he was rejected by his ex because he’s not wealthy enough for her. Although my friend is wealthy, he doesn’t own many properties unlike his ex. In “wuthering heights” , the wheel turned for Heathcliff, who becomes rich.

The wheel didn’t turn that much for my friend. He hasn’t become filthy rich since his breakup. And his ex didn’t lose her social status. In fact, after the breakup, my friend noticed he wasn’t invited to cocktails and garden parties anymore. But the wheel can still turn for him.

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The man who doesn’t want to touch you

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Some men don’t like to be hugged or to hug you. They don’t like to kiss you passionately. Sex is a bit disgusting to them. Don’t count on them to give you pleasure by stroking gently your clitoris or licking parts of your body.

These men are often depressed. They don’t find any energy anymore and their libido is very low because of that. “One of my ex’s didn’t want to touch me when we started to date. I didn’t understand him because he was so charming during our first dates, but he didn’t want to have sex with me. At first, I found it very comfortable because I wanted to know him better and to be sure he was into me before any sexual encounter with him. But after four months, I thought we waited too long. When I tried to have sex with him, he turned cold. He told me to wait more. But three months later, nothing changed. And my patience ran out” one of my friends told me. “Later, he told me he was depressed. I should have noticed, since we didn’t leave his apartment that much, and I was cooking for him all of the time” she said.

Some men are just not attracted physically to you. They date you because it’s reassuring to them, as they may not accept their homosexuality. “My ex was ashamed of his homosexuality. He didn’t want to accept that and dated many women but he didn’t touch them, as I experienced. He would hug me, kiss me on the cheek most of the time, but he couldn’t have sex with me. Eventually, he came out” one of my friends told me.

Some men do have sex with you, and turn suddenly cold. Sometimes, it’s a way for them to punish you. “I had an ex who would withhold sex whenever he was mad against me. He could wait for months before having sex with me” one of my friends said. Sometimes, the reason is just because of an illness. Sometimes the reason is infidelity. Sometimes the reason is because you don’t seem to enjoy sex.

It’s hurtful because you can feel not attractive. In any case, it’s best to have a conversation cool and calm about this before ending the relationship.

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A feedback from your ex’s?

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In human resources,  a 360 degree feedback is sometimes applied to employees. Your chief and coworkers are asked to give their opinion on your professional performance. In theory. But I read once in Harvard Business Review a case when an employee was surprised about his coworkers’ evaluation. Because they depicted him as a passive-agressive personality.

But in relationships, feedbacks are not very used, especially during a break up. Some people are just overwhelmed by their emotions and try to keep the conversation at the bare minimum, because the words hurt. Some people are just too coward to break up. I had an ex who told me we should make a pause. Two days later, he sent me an SMS to say goodbye for good. And no, he wasn’t 15, or 20.

But I had an ex who asked what was wrong with him after I told him I wanted to leave him. It was difficult for me at the beginning, because I was so angry against him. But he held my hand, and it helped me to calm down. I told him how hurt I was to never have any call from him, and how frustrated I was to be the only one to contact him. I also told him I didn’t like his arrogance, that  I felt he thought he was superior to me. He was a bit surprised when I told him that. I didn’t get back with him after that. But we remain friends.

So far, he’s the only one who has asked me about a feedback.

To be fair, I don’t have his courage. I never asked any of my ex’s any feedback.

One of my friends told me she only asked once one of her ex’s why it didn’t work between them. “I need to understand why he acted so distant with me” she said. “I wanted to know if I did anything to pull him away from me” she added. And her ex was really honest with her, to her surprise. “He could have just told me it was his fault, like some of my ex’s told me when we were breaking up” she said. My friend told me it helped her to avoid the same mistakes with another man.

Feedbacks aren’t always possible. One of my friends left her abusive ex and was relieved when she left him. “I don’t need any feedback from him. I just need to understand why I was attracted to him, because he was toxic” she said.

 

 

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Why do we cheat?

Why do we cheat? The number one reason is related to sex. When we don’t feel satisfied sexually either by a lack of sex or of emotions, we tend to search other gardens. The next reason is simply because we fall in love with someone else. Some people also cheat out of revenge (because they’ve been cheated). Some people also cheat because they search for different experiences every day, week,…

Recently, one of my friends told me that every woman who is over 40 is a cheater. I was shocked when he said that, because most of my female friends who are over 40 are not that kind. Most of them are happily married. They would admit to me if they were cheating on their husband. Women who are 40 are at top of their sexually, so yes, they can be very demanding sexually. But it’s not a reason to be a cheater because of that.

To be cheated is a betrayal. Some couples do survive infidelity though. And polyamorous couples do accept their significant other’s lovers. But we’re not all forgiving infidelity. Because we’re jealous animals.

Most of my friends told me if their significant other cheat on them, they will have difficulty to forgive. One of them even ask me to tell her the truth about her significant other if I see him with another woman. My friend was cheated when she was younger. She found, three days before of her wedding, her future husband with another girl on his lap kissing and laughing in a bar. Since then, she has had difficulty to trust her other lovers.

My other friend didn’t told me if he was cheated on before. But he changes quickly the conversation when we talk about that. I guess it’s sensitive for him.

Infidelity isn’t only sexual. We can bond emotionally with someone else because our emotional needs are not met in our couple.

But I understand how hard it is to be cheated on. It feels like you’re not the number one in your significant other’s heart anymore. It hurts.

 

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