broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Are women disadvantaged with online dating?

Scott Solomon, a biologist at Rice University, explains women don’t benefit very well from online dating and dating apps. Because women rely on various criteria to choose their partner , while men rely on their sole vision to find a woman attractive. Solomon adds women use smell to evaluate a potential partner. The smell cues are not available online. So to be sure, we had to accept a date to know right away if the guy is worthy or not. And yes, if I can’t stand the smell of the man in front of me, I will rule him out immediately.

It’s true I look for common points, pictures, lines, … on Tinder before I swipe right or left a guy. A man I would find attractive only by his looks will turn me down. When I see a very handsome man on Tinder, I just feel not very pretty enough for him. So I swipe him left.

There are also another problem with dating app like Tinder. Many men use that dating app for “confidence-boosting procrastination”. It’s the case for millennials. But older men do that too. That’s why even if you swipe right many men and they swipe you right too, you don’t engage in much conversation with them. Out of ten men I had a match with, only one started a conversation with me. Out of the 53 matches I got so far on Tinder, I’ve only started the conversation with ten of them. Most of the time, I was the one who made the first move. At that rhythm, I would be better off with Bumble (the dating app where women make the first move).

But there’s also an other explanation. Two of my dates I met on Tinder told me they swiped right almost every woman they saw on Tinder. They added once they got their match, they select the women they will start the conversation with. One of them told me he used another app to see who like him on Tinder, and then he selects the ones who really interest him.

There’s a deep feeling there are a lot of oysters on dating app, but no pearl. Yet, some people do find each other with Tinder, Bumble, or with online dating. Some people find their match right away, with the beginner’s luck. Other take their time, and some are more comfortable with online dating sites like OkCupid where you have to fill a long multiple-choice survey questions in order to find someone compatible with you. Although there’s a limit with those dating sites too. There’s a story of a math genius named Chris McKinlay who hacked OkCupid to find true love. He used bots to collect the datas left by women on this dating site and to elaborate his optimal dating profile. Over three weeks, he  received 20,000 answers from women, which he narrowed to 88 dates. Only three lead to a second date. Only one lead to a third date. None of them resulted in a serious relationship. He eventually met his significant other thanks to OkCupid. But she was the one who found him, without hacking her profile.

One of my friends told me dating apps, online dating sites, … are just occasions to meet someone new. “After you meet, relationships begin or not” he said. “Yes, it’s superficial, but the dates you get with Tinder, … are not. People are much more complicated than their  online profile” he added. After the meeting, it’s up to us to create a bond, if we like the person who stands in front of us at the bar or the coffee shop,…

For women, those meetings are crucial, because it’s the only way for them to use their smell. But I’m not sure women don’t benefit that much with online dating than men.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, relationships, thoughts, women

Breadcrumbing

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Breadcrumbing is the act of voluntarily leading someone on with texts, comments and likes on social medias, calls when you can’t pick up your phone, long conversations on Messenger, Snapchat, WhatsApp, Tinder,… with no concrete plans of meeting up.

It’s a grey area in relationships. It’s not a relationship, but it’s not no contact either. Breadcrumbers can be found in professional circles too. On Linkedin, I’ve noticed a lot of people are looking at my profile, without leaving me a message or invite me for a meeting. In the digital age, we all leave our fingerprints everywhere. Before that, we didn’t have that possibility or maybe just leave a written letter or a object to someone without allowing  him/her to answer. Today, with social medias, we can leave a like or a comment just by one click.

It’s a torture if you hope for a relationship with a breadcrumber. It’s also a torture when the breadcrumber is your ex or an former friend who has disappeared from your life. When you don’t really care about this person, it’s not a big deal.

Breadcrumbing can happen after a breakup. Some people can’t really move on and cut all contacts with their ex. You end up with an ex who still sends you some messages, who likes all your posts on social medias, and even comments on it. But that ex never asks to see you again. Sometimes, it helps some people to move on. After some likes on Instagram, Facebook, … and some comments/messages, some people disappear from your digital life. Breadcrumbers are one step of ghosters, those who disappear without a trace. They are a cousin of the “friend zone”.

Breadcrumbers feed their ego. But you can’t count on them to have a real friendship or relationship. There’s nothing more frustrating than having someone who tells you “Speak you soon” or “Let’s touch base later on” without scheduling an actual meet up.

There’s two ways of breaking this circle. One is to confront the breadcrumber and asks him/her what he/she wants from you. The other option is to ignore the breadcrumber. He/she’ll eventually get tired of breadcrumbing you.

If you are a breadcrumber with your ex, it’s also wise to unfriend him/her on social medias.

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broken heart, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Waiting for something more on Tinder

Recently, I bumped into my former chief on Tinder. I didn’t believe it was him when I saw his picture, but then, I realized it was him.

It’s not the first time I’ve bumped into someone I know from my professional circle. But my former chief is married and has two children. When I told this to one of my coworkers who knows him personally, she was shocked to hear this. But she admitted she  has  already heard rumors about him some weeks ago. “Promise me if you see my husband on Tinder to tell me about it” she added. “If I bust him on Tinder, he can pack his bags. I will leave him immediately” she said.

Unfortunately, it’s not the first time I’ve seen some of my acquaintances’ husband on Tinder. I bumped into one of my classmates’ husband some weeks ago. I don’t have regular contact with her anymore, so I didn’t warn her. But it’s very disappointing to see her husband and her are constantly writing messages on each other’s wall on Facebook, saying how they love each other. It may signal they are not very happy with each other, at least if we believe this study .

One of my friends also asked me to tell her everything if I see her significant other on Tinder. So far, it hasn’t been the case. Thankfully for her.

I don’t understand why F. is on Tinder” said my coworker. “I don’t believe it’s for pure curiosity. What happens if he matches with another woman?” she added. He may have swiped right all women on Tinder, as men as way less picky than women on Tinder.

The married men I met on Tinder told me they were looking for a sex friend or a mistress. Unfortunately, very few men are honest and indicate their marital status in their Tinder profile. But most of the married men I swiped right immediately told me they were married. One was lying, but he added in his profile links to a youtube list where there was a video of him dancing with his wife, and saying how wonderful she was. The video was very recent.

Some women are ok with that. It’s not my case.

People can lie on internet (and on Tinder). But when you meet people in real life, it’s easy to spot the liar. If he’s married,  there are chances he won’t be very available for a date, and find a time when it’s easier for him to hide from his wife without alarming her. If he doesn’t invite you at his place, it’s also a sign he’s not very available. If he invites you to places he’s sure he won’t meet some of his friends or his wife’s friends, it’s also a big warning sign. Unless you find a pathologic liar, master in his art of lying, there will always be some hints he’s not really honest with you.

Besides, if deep inside of you, your guts tell you there’s something wrong, listen to your inner feeling. When you meet someone who is right for you, you won’t feel those negative feelings.

Of course, if you’re just looking for a hookup, a sex friend, or someone who’s not really available, don’t follow this advice.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts

Going back with your ex

Recently, one of my friends told me she was surprised her parents, who divorced 20 years ago, got back together. But it’s very recent. And she doesn’t know if this union can last. “After all, they used to fight a lot when they were together, and in the end, my father couldn’t stay home anymore so he spent his time with his friends, or travelled abroad alone, or just hang out in bars, alone while my mom used to stay home and got neurotic about it” she says.  “Since the divorce, and because my sister and I already moved out of the house, they haven’t spoken to each other. My father was really absent. She didn’t want to speak to him. But they met again at a party where they didn’t know both of them were attending” she added.

My friend is not happy about this. Because she hasn’t forgiven her father for letting his family down after the divorce. But I told her those kind of unions are not 100% guaranteed to last.

Why do we go back to our ex?

When we loved someone, is it possible to ignite the same feeling again?

 A friend of mine would say no, because she feels she’s not the same anymore than when she met her ex for the first time. She met him at a party when she was 16. Back then, she didn’t know what she wanted to do in her life. When later, she needed to boost her career, she found a major hurdle  with her ex who didn’t understand why she wanted to do so. Now she made that change and broke with him along the way, she feels she can’t go back with him. “I wonder what the hell I thought to fall in love with him” she told me.

But in her case, she left her ex in 2008. Eight years later, she couldn’t feel more different.

I guess it also depends on the feeling you have for your ex. If you feel relieved because you broke with your ex, like my friend, going back with your ex is just impossible.

If you feel sad without your ex, can’t stop thinking about him/her, feel jealous because she/he met someone else, you will grateful to go back with your ex. Sometimes, years don’t tame that feeling. Nor a different lover.

Another friend of mine just bought the house of a couple who is divorcing. But she told me they have tried to divorce many times before, only to go back  together over and over again. “I’m sure they will come back together” she added.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, relationships, thoughts, women

One sided relationship

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“I keep playing your part, but it’s not my scene”

Sitting, waiting, wishing –  Jack Johnson

Recently, one of my acquaintances complained about her significant other, who doesn’t give her anything. “I keep on making plans for us to spend our time together, but she doesn’t propose anything to me and even refused some of my plans. I pay for everything while she is always reluctant to pay. I feel I’m constantly walking on eggs with her because she criticizes me a lot. And I feel stressed because I don’t know how she will act” she said.

This is a one sided relationship where my acquaintance is doing all the work while her significant other makes her feel worse than better about herself. Unfortunately, if this relationship continues like that, it’s ill-fated.

The only solution to this problem is to tell how you feel to your significant other, keeping one feeling by conversation. It’s not wise to remind your partner about past events, because it can fire back at you. I did that with my ex, and he told me I should have told him right away there was a problem with him instead of bringing  him that topic three weeks later.  As a result, he brushed off my feelings and I felt diminished. But it’s not that easy to react right away.

One of my friends told me she can’t react right away. She only pulls back and doesn’t answer her phone for hours, even if her significant other tries to call her. “After some time, I reply, and he asks what’s wrong. Usually, it helps me to find the words to tell him how I feel” she says. But this only works if your significant other do call you often. If he/she goes MIA for days, well, he/she won’t notice anything.

How do you know you’re in a one sided relationship? People don’t realize this right away. Especially if they are in love. In the six first months of a relationship, if we’re in love, all we want, is to spend our time with our partner. We don’t care about details.

If like my acquaintance, you always make the plans, you pay for everything, and make efforts to include your partner in your life while he/she makes no effort at all and doesn’t feel too excited to meet your friends and family, that’s the sign of a one sided relationship.

In other words, if your partner doesn’t give you much (of his/her time, of his/her heart, of his/her consideration), this is a one sided relationship.

Some people jump into relationships while they are emotionally unavailable, and don’t give that much to their new partner because of that. We can be emotionally unavailable after a break up or after an incident in our life.

Communication is the only way to break that cycle. If this situation continues even if you pointed out the lack of consideration to your partner, it’s hopeless.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Should I stay or should I go?

People often ask themselves if they should stay with their significant other or leave” said the philosopher Alain de Botton in a recent interview. “There is one rule: if we can say, after a thorough thought, that our pain comes from our partner, we should leave the relationship. But if we think  we could feel the same insatisfaction with someone else, we may choose to stay in the relationship. There is a difference between to go through  a difficult experience of life with someone and make that difficult experience because of this person” he said.

Alain de Botton also said the cult of romantic love in our western civilization has a disastrous effect on our emotional life because it prevents us to blossom by presenting us unrealistic images of ourselves.

That cult makes us hope for unrealistic goals as: to meet someone beautiful from the inside and the outside, who will seduce us immediately and exclusively, to have satisfying sexual relationships throughout our life, to be never attracted by someone else, to understand each other intuitively, to build a family without losing emotional and sexual intensity for each other, said the philosopher. Because those goals are unreachable, the feeling of failure is really high, he added.

So, do we expect too much from our significant other? Or from the person we just met?

It’s true that if we expect to be seduced immediately by someone beautiful from the inside and the outside, we can get ahead of a lot of disappointments. Because in this category, you can find narcissistic perverts, players or just people who are not really interested in relationships.

But we need to be attracted to our future significant to start something. This attraction can take time.  Like those who are friends for years before starting a relationship with each other. Or between coworkers who gradually fall in love for each other after spending a lot of time with each other. Or between neighbors. It’s far from the immediate attraction we can feel with someone we meet on dating sites and app like Tinder.

Love is accepting the other’s differences, says Alain de Botton. We don’t necessarily have to share a lot of common points with our significant other, as long as we accept him/her as he/she is.

The philosopher also mentioned that a couple is like a small enterprise, because of the multiple chores we have to share, and the budget we have to keep together. Those are a source of conflicts for every couple.

So, yes, it’s a difficult decision to make when we want to leave a relationship, especially a long term relationship. And it’s a difficult decision when we hesitate to stay in the relationship too.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, Uncategorized

Refriend an ex on Facebook

WillYouBeMyFriend

Is it wise to refriend an  ex you unfriended on Facebook and other social media? This is a difficult question. The one question is why you had to unfriend your ex. Many people who unfriended their ex on Facebook said they had no choice because it hurt them to see how happy their ex was without them. It was a difficult choice because they knew if they kept their ex friends on social media, they will stare at their profile a lot. It doesn’t help to move on and forget about your ex, unfortunately.

In real life, unless you work in the same company or live very close to your ex, you don’t have this ability to stare at your ex’s life. If you live very close to your ex, or work in the same company than your ex, you can always take some time off very far away. One of my friends, who had difficulty to forget his ex, took three months to travel Asia and turned off his phone except for calling his family once in while.  His ex lived only 500 meters from him, and he kept bumping on her in the shopping mall next to their place or only when he was grocery shopping. Three months weren’t not enough for him to forget about her. But it helped him to forget a bit about her, because his travel was a real journey and gave him a new perspective on life. When he came back to his home, he changed his way of living, and it helped him to avoid his ex, who met someone else during his time away.

Facebook doesn’t allow to do this. Yes, there’s an option called unfollow, which prevents you to see what your ex publishes or likes on Facebook. But it’s not enough as I experienced. Because if his new ho  lover tagged him on Facebook while they are holding each other in their arms, or while they looked happy together, you can see that picture, unfortunately. There’s the option of blocking that person. Once you do that, that person can’t contact you anymore. But you can always see that person if your common friends tagged him/her on a picture or a comment. But if you block someone on Facebook,  and change your mind afterwards, you will have to refriend that person. As if you unfriended that person before.

So, why do we need to refriend our ex on Facebook? A first explanation is when your ex does ask you why you unfriended him/her and asks you to refriend him/her. It depends if your ex asked you that in Messenger or another app, or over SMS or email. If you ex asked you that over a coffee or a drink because he/she wanted to talk to you and you accepted to meet in real life, well, you can feel the pressure to do refriend  him/her. Sometimes, communication helps to ease resentful thoughts.  Sometimes, we need to be comforted our ex won’t do us harm, even on Facebook. But if your ex is a pervert and try to use your informations you post on Facebook against you, you should stay unfriended. A friend of mine told me her ex took pictures of her while she was in the shower, and threatens to publish those pictures on Facebook. In that case, yes, it’s necessary to block that a*** and to unfriend him.  And even sue him.

I guess there’s a good reason why you unfriended your ex on Facebook. Even if your ex asked you to refriend him/her, if there’s a good reason you unfriend him/her, it’s wise to stick to your decision.

But what if your ex didn’t notice you unfriend him/her? Or doesn’t react to that? There is no rule. Refriend him/her if you want to. But bear in mind your ex can move on, even marry someone else, start a family, … Do you really want to see that?  Your ex can also live a better life than you, even if it’s just seemingly. Do you really want to see that?

On the other hand, your ex also have a glance on your life thanks to Facebook. He/she can see you have moved on too. Nothing prevents you from living your own life, discover new passions, new hobbies, meet new people, have a good time with your friends,… and publish that on Facebook. That’s the best revenge you can have on your ex.

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