broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, thoughts, women

The Dylan McKay

Luke Perry, who just passed away (R.I.P) was known for his character in Beverly Hills 90210: Dylan McKay. When I was young, every of my female friend wished secretly to have a boyfriend like him. Because women don’t like when it’s too easy… But in my high school, none of the guys were close to Dylan McKay. No one rode a Porsche,  read poetry, and was rich that much in my High School. And guys who were tormented were just weirdo. Girls didn’t circle them. In other words, there were a lot of Brandon, aka the nice guy, in male groups during my high school. But no Dylan McKay.

My high school sweetheart was a bit tormented though, especially during the last year of our class. He was drunk most of the time when we used to go out with our group, during concerts, parties, exhibitions, … Once, he even ended in jail for destructing a booth in a fair, under the influence of alcohol. So in a sense, he was a bit a Dylan McKay. In other words, he was a bad boy.

Women are driven to bad boys. Recently, one of my coworkers told me she felt attracted to a TV anchor  who used to be a thief and ended in jail. “There’s something about him” she told me. 

But the Dylan McKay is just a fling. No one expected to end up in a long term relationship with a bad boy. Jonathan Franzen, in his book “Freedom”, theorizes this. Patty, his main character, end up with Walter, the nice guy, and not Richard, the bad boy, who just wants to remain alone.

It reminds me about the book “antifragile” written by the mathematician Nassim Taleb. He says women should marry the accountant or the economist, the boring guy,  who can provide, and have a good time with the rock star, aka the bad boy, once in a while. So, the Dylan McKay isn’t a good option. Unless you enjoy to be in a relationship that is like a roller coaster.

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celibacy, life, love, men, thoughts, women

The best out of ten

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Is it possible to find your soul mate based on math? I read a post about it, and I’m not very convinced.

How it works is basically you take the number people that you think you could go on dates with in your lifetime and so, let’s say 100. And mathematicians say take the square root that number, so that would be 10, and then you go on dates with those 10 people and afterward you tell them all, “No thanks.” But you remember out of those 10 which one was the best person that you met?

Then keep going on more dates and the minute you find someone who is better than that best person out of the 10, that person is the closest thing mathematically to finding your soul mate.

Basically, you have to remind who was the best date you had  out of 10 people who turned you down, and find someone (who won’t turn you down) who’s better than that person. What happens if you never find that person? Of if that person want to end the relationship after just one month?

Unfortunately, there’s no guarantee your “best person” is available to you. And basing you strategy to find that “best person” on a date which wasn’t for you isn’t a good idea, no matter how that person was awesome.

Do you remind your best date out of the 10 people who told you “no thanks”? Personally, I don’t, since I want to forget any of my bad dates. It would be difficult to find someone who is better than that.

And you can be a serial date if you search for the best person.

And  the feeling  that’s it all a lot of oysters, but no pearls

There’s no rule to find your soul mate. The best advice  I guess it’s to find someone who treat you with respect mutually.

 

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celibacy, life, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The danger of Tinder

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This week, a TV reporter made a video about her experience with Tinder. During the two months she was registered, she met two men who were very disrespectful with her. One used a model photo he found on google images for his profile. He arrived at their date two hours late, with a bottle of alcohol in his hand. He told her not to be stressed. And proposed to her to go to his place. The other one was very odd at the start, sending her sexual messages on their first contact. She reluctantly met him at a bar. He wanted to go to her place. And said it’s like that with Tinder. At the end of the conversation, he asked her if she wanted to touch her when she goes home. And sends her a pick of his dick.

Unfortunately, there are weirdos on Tinder. But one alarm should ring immediately if you see a photo of a man who looks like a model, if he matches with you. Even if you’re a model yourself, you should be extra careful with the picture. People lie easily on internet. When it seems too good to be true, it’s not true. It’s not a good idea to swipe right on a profile with pictures of his bare chest. Unless you only want to have sex, at your own risk.  It’s not a good idea to accept a drink right away after just two exchanges.  If he offers you to exchange phone numbers, accept. Because you will have access to his real name, and to his Facebook profile, Linkedin profile, … Especially if he has a public profile on Facebook. What he posts on Facebook is very revealing of his personality.  If he jokes on women on his profile, there are chances he will be horrible with you. It’s not a good idea to invite a total stranger to your place, or to meet a total stranger at his place for the first time. I’ve heard countless stories of women who found her date touching himself when they went to his place, or who were just watching porn.

Whitney Wolfe, the co founder of Tinder, and the CEO of Bumble, advises people to put several pictures of themselves (and not mirror selfies, group pictures, picture with a woman). Because it helps to tell who you are. I tend to swipe right men who put several pictures of themselves and a little bio. It’s a sign they’re not  looking just for a one night stand.

There are people who are looking for a serious relationship on Tinder. It’s just a way to meet people. Unfortunately, there are impostors, crooks, womanizers, sociopaths on Tinder as well.

Even if it’s Tinder, you should take you time. Time is your friend to know more about a total stranger. I still discover new things about the man I met on Tinder two years ago, and who has become a good friend of mine.

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celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

In love with your male friend

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Friendship between opposite sex is often difficult, because of the sexual tension. Even if you’re both gay, it’s complicated. One of my female friends, who is lesbian, told me she’s attracted to one of her male friends, who is gay. There’s always a grey line. My friend even flirts with him in front of her significant other and his other one during parties. Usually, it turns into a fight with her significant other who is jealous. And it’s worse when my friend is drunk.  When she drinks to much, and her male friend too, they can’t help to touch each other. Her significant other is so pissed she starts to cry and leave. My friend is often sorry for that, and apologizes all of the time. Her male friend has also difficulties to keep any relationship because of her.

I asks her if she would consider dating her male friend. But my friend replies she can’t because he’s not interested. “I just feel he doesn’t love me like I do” she told me. She never told him she loves him. Because she also loves her significant, and doesn’t want to lose her.

It’s possible to fall in love with two different people, but not at the same time. My friend met her significant other at her gym class seven years ago, while she met her male friend two years ago, in a bar. He was the bartender.

But how do you know you’re in love with your male friend? Usually, if you can’t help talking about him/her to your friends, family, etc, it’s a good indication. If you feel jealous when your male friend likes pictures of other women, or talk to other women, it’s also a sign. But the opposite can also be true, because your male friend can also feel in love with you. A good sign is his jealousy, especially when you date other men. He won’t find any of your dates worth for you.

And the feeling doesn’t disappear if you have an other significant other.

 

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celibacy, life, love, thoughts, women

All my friends are falling in love

“All my friends are falling in love”, the new song from the Vaccines, popped on my Facebook wall this morning, with  a little video composed of various pictures from couples.

Facebook, Instagram, … are often criticized for their influence on our mood. People can  feel depressed by looking at the pictures of other people who seem to have a better life than we. So we can feel belittled if our “friends” on Facebook seem to are happy while it’s not the case for us.

But people select the pictures they post on social media. Even if they are depressed, or mourning the lost of a love one. Social medias don’t reflect our real emotions. That’s why you will only see happy pictures of your “friends” on Facebook and Instagram.

For couples, it’s the same. Especially when we fall in love. When we are in love, we just want to scream the love we have for our significant other. It’s tempting to post our pictures with our love one, kissing or hugging each other on social medias.  Even when we’re older, the temptation doesn’t fade away.

Is it difficult to only live the moment? After all, the feeling of falling in love is intense, in the first months of every relationship. It’s a phase when we can’t have enough of our love one, and want to be next to his/her every time. It’s called fusion. But it doesn’t last very long.

Yet, it’s precious. That’s why it’s so tempting to take pictures of our fragile love. We also are tempted to capture every short-lived moment. Especially if those moments bring joy. I do take pictures with my friends when I’m happy spending time with them. Sometimes, I post those pictures, to thank them for that moment.

But I remind I didn’t post any picture of my loved one on Facebook when we were in love and when Facebook was already running.

Is posting our love on social medias the new sign to say we’re off the market? Before, to hold the hand in public was the sign to say we’re off the market.

Besides, it’s also practical to introducing to our family and friends the one you love, even I would prefer if my friends and family introduce to me their new love one face to face.

It’s also a way to have revenge on our ex who let us down for somebody else. Even if it’s not a good idea.

So, do you post pictures of your couple on social media?

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celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The algorithm of love?

eHarmony, a dating site, just announced in Lisbon today during Websummit 2018, that thanks to artificial intelligence, it could support people to ask for date after a online conversation.  “There are many conversations on our site, but there are few dates in general ” said eHarmony CEO during the conference.

Loveflutter, an british dating app, plans to analyze conversations on their app to find if two people are compatible. It want to send a message to the two chatters to suggest a date “because it reduces the pressure to ask for a date” said Loveflutter CEO.

Sean Rad, Tinder founder, predicts that Siri, the vocal assistant on your iPhone, could serve as an go-between.

But would you follow your phone if Siri or another artificial “intelligence” suggest you to date the person you are messaging?

I’m not very convinced. How can an artificial intelligence judge if you are compatible with your messenger?

I have plenty of experiences on Tinder where I started to chat with a guy who seemed to have some common points with me, only to lose them in the sea of algorithms on Tinder.

There are many reasons why some people just vanish after some conversations on dating sites. The number one is, like my friend said, the coldness of internet. “I don’t feel any spark with any guy I met online” she told me. She prefers to flirt with men in real life, even if it’s very difficult. “Usually, I’m very disappointed by the guy when I met him in real life after a chat with him on a dating app” she said.

The second reason is the many choices dating sites and app offer you. Why bet on only person when there are so plenty fish in the sea?  This perspective, to have always someone to find on internet, has done a true damage to relationships, says sociologists like Eva Illouz.

The third reason is just because people can’t forget their ex. Or are just depressed. They prefer to have distance with people they meet, even online.

Besides, an algorithm has flaws. Cathy o’Neil, a mathematician, said in her last book  that in the age of algorithms, it should lead to fairness, but the opposite is true and lead to discrimination.

So, would you trust an algorithm? It’s like asking “are you satisfied by your Google Search”? or “the people you may know” on Facebook. Usually, you are never satisfied by your first answer…

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celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

A kiss on the first date

Is it ok to kiss on the first date? It depends. I’ve been to many dates where I was not sure at all about the man I had in front of me. I’ve only kissed one of my dates on the first date because I found him so sexy with his blue shirt and I felt secured with him. After all, we all look for someone attractive.

Most of the time, I’ve waited at least until the third date to kiss, to evaluate our interactions and our compatibility.  I also believe that men who can wait and still date me until the third date are interested in me. One of my friends told me she considers rude when a man pushes to interact physically on the first date. “It could mean he’s just interested in having sex with you” she says.

Unfortunately, there are no rules when it comes to kiss on the first date. One of my friends told me he kissed his date on the first date, and so far, they are still going strong, after two years.

I guess the best way to decide if you want to kiss on the first date is to listen to your gut. If you don’t feel any spark after the first date, where we are supposed to be at our best, maybe it’s the sign it’s not going well. But if you feel a spark, and want to wait to kiss your date, it’s ok.

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