celibacy, dating site, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Future sex

In her book “Future Sex“, the journalist Emily Witt explores the limit of what we would call free love. She writes about her experience with online dating, porn, polyamory, internet babes and the childless option. If I do follow her conclusions, this list may predict the future of relationship, where internet have a strong place, except for polyamory (although I have met on dating app some men who were into this type of open relationship).

 The journalist wrote she had a problem feeling attracted by the men she met online. I do understand her, because I’m  bit lost on dating app like Tinder. I don’t really feel attracted right away by a man just by looking at his picture. Emily Witt said she wasn’t  into her online date when she met them face to face. Maybe it’s because women don’t have a smell cue when they meet someone online. That smell cue can be useful when you meet someone face to face in a bar or a cafe or a concert,… The journalist compared the attraction she had for men she met in parties, bars, … and men she met online.

Emily Witt also wrote about a couple working for Google who are into polyamory. It’s not a surprise, since in the Silicon Valley, there is a new sexual revolution where love takes the form of many lovers at the same time. Elsewhere, it’s just infidelity or open relationships, which are not so sustainable on the long run , because we are jealous by nature.

This book rises a question: can we be ourselves if we multiply lovers, and if we allow the distance internet creates between people? The future looks bleak then.

On the other hand, internet remains a mean to meet people. But it’s just a way. Internet remains useless when it comes to create a bond with someone.  And it’s easy to think, thanks to dating apps, online dating,… we can always find someone better. It’s the best way to end up alone.

Yet, we can’t force people to stay into our life.

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Reunited by a dating app

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The Financial Times recently interviewed Whitney Wolfe, the founder of the dating app Bumble. That dating app forces women to make the first move.

I don’t use that dating app, because in my country, Tinder is way more popular. Perhaps because in my country, like in France, women don’t make the first move in general. Many of my female friends told me they didn’t make the first move with their significant other. One of them, who is still single, told me she would never make the first move.

But this interview is interested. The founder of Bumble said more than 5000 engagements and marriages were originated with the app.  She added most people used the app on Sunday nights and Monday.The app is the busiest during those periods of the week.

One of the couples who found themselves on Bumble used to know each other before. But they lost each other from sight. He used to have a crush on her when they were younger. By the power of an algorithm, they made a connection again. Without that algorithm, maybe they  wouldn’t have made that connection. Who knows? They could have bumped into each other in the street. But it would not make that connection so instantly.

Those who use the dating apps like Tinder and Bumble connect when they feel lonely. That’s why there’s a peak in connections on Sunday nights and Mondays. When you feel lonely, you are in generally in better conditions to look actively for someone and to jump on the first occasions. So, it might explain why these former crushes reunited.

I’ve never bumped into a former crush on Tinder. I don’t know what would be my reaction if it was the case. What would you do if you find a formal crush on a dating app?

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The right stages of a relationship

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Is there a right order in relationships? I’m not so sure. Several of my friends had their children before getting married to their significant other. Some are even not married. “Traditional” couples still get married first and have children after.

But this is an evolution of relationships because it has to start from scratch. Every relationship begins with an encounter. Dating apps like Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, Happn,… favour those encounters. Our professional and private circles can also help to meet someone. There are many ways to find a new relationship. To be fair, my last relationships all started with Tinder.

After the first contact, there is the first date. If you are careful, the first exchanges you made with your date help you to sort those who would make a disastrous first date. The men I met through Tinder exchanged several messages with me before our first date, and I was relieved by what they wrote. I didn’t have much surprises when I met them.

After that, some people decide to lead a particular relationship. An acquaintance started to be sex friends with the man she met thanks to Tinder. Another one started to casual date a man she met through some common friends. Generally, people take their time to evaluate their date. Especially when they have experienced several relationships.  But it can happen that some people want to start right away a long term relationship. Even if only the long run can tell if the relationship is sustainable or not.

With age, people also take their time before having sex with their date. Even with the people who meet through Tinder, which is famous to be a hookup site. This may be true for the young people between 18-24, but above that age, it’s not necessarily the case. Some people wait until they are certain there are feelings involved before having sex. It can take weeks or even months. The key is to take time to know our date. It’s not that simple. But if our date don’t want to spend time with us, that’s a sign he/she doesn’t want to have a relationship.

Some people wait until they meet their date’s friends and family, which is a sign the relationship is going strong. After all, if you don’t pass that step, it’s not a good sign. Our friends and family can also help us to tell if our date is right for us. Usually, our friends and family see when there’s a problem while we’re too blind with love. This step isn’t a problem if you date someone from your private circle, who was introduced to you by common friends. The blessing is already there.

Recently, one of my coworkers told me he’s divorcing. He met his wife at our office five years ago, and people were really surprised how fast their relationship evolved. She got pregnant only four months after they started dating, and got married in a hurry. Had they have waited, he may have known she was a bad influence to him. His career stalled after they started dating. She was really jealous and made him a scene every time he talked to female coworkers.

Yes, we all know some exceptions to this. Two of my friends got pregnant really quickly after they met their significant other. So far, they are still in their relationship. But they met their significant other through common friends.

Only fools rush in, isn’t it?

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Tinder vs IRL

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Why do we need Tinder to meet other people?” asked recently my date. I was thinking about this question this morning as one of my coworkers told me her cousin met his future wife in the street. They were having a coffee in a cafe separately and he dared to ask her phone number. She accepted. My coworker was surprised about his move because “nobody ever does this anymore“, as she said. Everyone is on Tinder 😉

Is Tinder different than meeting someone in the street, asking him/her for his/her phone number, and beginning texting each other until getting  a real date? Yes, if you consider the situation where you meet in real life the object of your affection before going into a real courtship.

With Tinder, you don’t really know how your match looks like before meeting each other for a drink. You only have a picture, but also some indications like common (Facebook) friends and likes on Facebook. Some people also put their instagram account. You can see if they are into cars, sport, cats, food, just by looking at their instagram shots. You get some hints. But for the love at first sight, well, it’s not really it. But at least, you know that you match is looking for something, a hookup, or a relationship.  While asking for a phone number in the street is risky because you don’t know if the person is available. And you have a higher chance to be rejected.

With Tinder, that risk is lower, because if you just swipe many profile to the right, you may get a chance to have a match. You basically have more options on the table.

After the match, you still have to get a connection with your match. There’s not much difference than approaching directly an attractive stranger. If you’re boring, online or not, your match will simply try to get away. The nervousness is the same, online, or in real life.

Couples (or hookups) do form out of Tinder, as out of an direct approach IRL. The key is to make the first step.

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There’s a limit to online dating

Why do some people find their match on online dating, and some don’t? One of my friends told me that after a bad breakup  years ago, she registered to a online dating site and got plenty of dates, but none of it turned into a relationship. “I’ve found real friends through dating sites, but I didn’t fall in love at all with all of them. I had a blast with several of my dates but it never materialized into something else” she said.

I didn’t ask her if she made a list of what she wanted from her encounters on internet. Another one of my friends did made a long list of what she wanted in her future man. She didn’t put her photo on her dating site, and searched thoroughly every profile she found attractive. Her dating site had a possibility to search based on certain criteria, unlike Tinder, where you just swipe to the left or right the picture you find attractive or not.

My friend did find her match on internet. She got married this year after three years of relationship with him.

Her experience reminded me of this TED presentation, called “how I hacked online dating”. The author also made a thorough list of what she wanted from the man of her dream. And she found him after a heavy screening.

The economist and Nobel Prize Alvin Roth mentioned a good algorithm for online dating which would allocate men to women in such way it’s impossible to change the allocation without lowering the satisfaction of someone. The algorithm would work at its best if everyone is honest about his/her preferences without having the possibility to change these.

Yet, why some people are not satisfied with online dating?

Part of the answer is because people are not honest with that medium. Part of it is because we can be hindered by our past love experience. Part of it is because we’re not enough picky when it comes to choosing among that large pool of single people.

Some say there’s no part of seduction with online dating, especially with Tinder. “It must be particular to be in front of a man who already knows you desire him” said the actress Virginie Efira in a recent interview.

It’s not necessarily the case. Because the picture you see online may be different from what you have in front of you during the date. And looks aren’t everything. Personally, if I find the man very attractive but stupid and with zero conversation, I’m not sure I would show him I desire him. The same will apply if he’s mean with me.

Besides, because you never know in advance if your date would succeed, it’s worth spending time knowing your potential partner a little before meeting him/her. Two back and forth are not enough. I’ve learned my lesson from past failed experience. I hate wasting time with a guy who doesn’t interest me and who isn’t interested in me.

That also applies for Tinder.

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Tinder: come closer

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The Washington Post recently wrote about a study from Queen Mary University of London, about the differences between men and women using Tinder, the dating app.

The researchers created 14 profiles, male and female, and liked everyone  within a 100-mile radius.  The fake male profiles only received 0,6% likes back, with the fake female profiles were much more popular, with 10% of people who liked them back.  But men who matched with a fake profile were only 7% to send a message, while women who matched with a fake profile were 21%.

The study revealed men were less picky than women to match on Tinder. Women only swiped right the profile they were attracted to, while men casually liked all profiles.

A male friend of mine told me he used to like every female profile on Tinder “but not the ones with a rat on their shoulder” in the hope to get the maximum of matches. “After that, I select the ones I’m really attracted to” he said.

So, if you’re  a woman, don’t think he genuinely likes you if you had a match on Tinder with him. You’re just vaguely attractive to him, among a large pool of women.

The Washington Post wrote Tinder makes us miserable for that reason. But they may be wrong, because most Tinder matches don’t result necessarily into a real date.

Out of the numerous Tinder profiles he liked, my friend only got one date.

Tinder just gives you the illusion there are plenty of options possible. But when it comes to dates, and relationships, those options shrink dramatically.

The date is important, because you can really tell if you like your Tinder date or not after 30 minutes, or even less.

Nothing compares to a date face to face. Whether it’s originated by Tinder or another way.

Tinder is just a way to meet new people” one of my friends told me.

Yes, it’s just a way, like meeting someone in a club or elsewhere.

 

 

 

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The disaster of first dates

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The Washington Post wrote an article about how restaurants and bars hate your first Tinder dates. One of the reasons behind this is the loss of revenues  from your date over groups who really want to have a dinner and a good time. Because you can nurture just a glass for one hour and decide not to order another one. First dates come cheap. People don’t want to invest a lot because they don’t know in advance their first date.

I’ve seen a lot of advices saying after two back and forth on Tinder, you should schedule a date. Two back and forth are not enough to know your Tinder date. So if you accept to go to this date, it’s a blind date.

One of my friends told me he exchanged a lot of messages with his Tinder date before meeting her for the first time. So they were very happy to meet each other for real after weeks of conversations online. They met in a bar she chose. And ordered a lot of drinks.

It’s also my case. My Tinder date and I spent weeks exchanging messages before agreeing to see each other. He let me choose the bar. I picked the one where they make good mojitos. We drank three drinks before deciding to go to a restaurant, and came back after our restaurant to the same bar where we drank another two glasses. I didn’t expect to spend so much time with him. I was even sad to go home but he asked me if we could see each other again very soon. I accepted right away.

Here in my country, people who want to meet their online dates choose a bar for their first meeting. There are plenty of bars in my town where you can just order a drink. Some bars are specialized in this. You can see this because there are couples who stop talking to each other just after 30 minutes spent together, and start to look around them. Not the sign of a date which is going well. I’ve been to those. All I know is I wanted to leave the conversation and the guy as soon as possible. Maybe because I didn’t know what  I was looking for.

So, yes, there are good or bad surprises with blind dates. But if you just exchanged some words with your Tinder date (or Happn/Bumble/Match.com,…) before agreeing to meet in real life, you don’t know if your date will turn right or not. At least if you spend some time to learn about your online crush before meeting him, you will know if he/she’s worth to meet in real life.

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