broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, women

A feedback from your ex’s?


In human resources,  a 360 degree feedback is sometimes applied to employees. Your chief and coworkers are asked to give their opinion on your professional performance. In theory. But I read once in Harvard Business Review a case when an employee was surprised about his coworkers’ evaluation. Because they depicted him as a passive-agressive personality.

But in relationships, feedbacks are not very used, especially during a break up. Some people are just overwhelmed by their emotions and try to keep the conversation at the bare minimum, because the words hurt. Some people are just too coward to break up. I had an ex who told me we should make a pause. Two days later, he sent me an SMS to say goodbye for good. And no, he wasn’t 15, or 20.

But I had an ex who asked what was wrong with him after I told him I wanted to leave him. It was difficult for me at the beginning, because I was so angry against him. But he held my hand, and it helped me to calm down. I told him how hurt I was to never have any call from him, and how frustrated I was to be the only one to contact him. I also told him I didn’t like his arrogance, that  I felt he thought he was superior to me. He was a bit surprised when I told him that. I didn’t get back with him after that. But we remain friends.

So far, he’s the only one who has asked me about a feedback.

To be fair, I don’t have his courage. I never asked any of my ex’s any feedback.

One of my friends told me she only asked once one of her ex’s why it didn’t work between them. “I need to understand why he acted so distant with me” she said. “I wanted to know if I did anything to pull him away from me” she added. And her ex was really honest with her, to her surprise. “He could have just told me it was his fault, like some of my ex’s told me when we were breaking up” she said. My friend told me it helped her to avoid the same mistakes with another man.

Feedbacks aren’t always possible. One of my friends left her abusive ex and was relieved when she left him. “I don’t need any feedback from him. I just need to understand why I was attracted to him, because he was toxic” she said.



celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Not fond of your friend’s partner


Recently, one of my friends asked me why I didn’t try to stop his relationship with his ex. He broke up with her four years ago, after a four years relationship. During their relationship, he told me several times he wasn’t happy with her, and I just asked him  why he wasn’t leaving her. But he didn’t attempt to break up with her. Until after one night, he fainted after a violent argument with her. That day, he understood he had to leave her. She was verbally abusive with him all of the time, and used him as a trophy .

Honestly, I don’t think I could have succeed in stopping him to date her. I could have lost him if I tried, because he could have stayed with her anyway. I didn’t know how bad was his relationship with her, because he didn’t tell me anything about his relationship, except from time to time that he was unhappy. I’ve only met her twice during their relationship, during a short period, so I couldn’t see if she was verbally abusive to him.

Should you try to make your friend break up with his/her partner because you don’t like him/her?

Your intervention in your friend’s relationship, especially if unwanted by your friend, can backfire. When we’re in love, all we want, is to be with the person we love. We tend to forget about our friends. During this period, we can’t listen to eventual warnings our friends are trying to tell us. “I’ve lost some friends this way” told one of my friends. “I told a friend of mine her boyfriend wasn’t nice at all with her, but she got offended when I said that. She took her distance with me after that” she said.

It’s difficult to criticise your friend’s partner, because you don’t really know what is going on between them, because you don’t live with them (unless you are roommates). You can’t change your friend’s mind just by saying you don’t like his/her significant other. Your friend may even think you’re jealous of their relationship, especially if you’re single.

If you collect only failed relationships, you’re not in a good place to give relationship advices to your friend who try  to build a relationship.

But you can react when you see your friend struggling with his/her significant other. For example, if you witness your friend being criticised for no good reason, or yelled at for no good reason. That’s normal to stand for your friend in those cases.

If your friend ask you about his/her relationship and how right it is, yes, you can be honest with your friend. Your friend can have doubt about his/her relationship.

Personally, I don’t like if my friends give me advices on my relationship if I don’t ask for it.

life, love, relationships, thoughts, women


Criticism, or constant criticism, is one of the four horsemen of relationships, according to John Gottman, who spends decades to study relationships. If you criticise your significant other all of the time, there’s a good chance he/she would take his/her distance sooner or later with you.

But there’s a world between criticism. If you criticise your partner because you’re hurt by his/her behaviour, for example if he/she always talks about himself/herself, the best way to turn around this situation is to tell your partner how you feel. If your partner take notice and adapt his/her behaviour after that, you can tell he/she cares for you. But if he/she doesn’t do anything and continue to be selfish, it’s a sign he/she doesn’t take into account your feeling.

But if you criticise your partner on his/her weight, height, on the way he/she looks, it’s just demeaning for your partner. “Any criticism that has to do with body image is generally a touchy area,” says  April Masini, a relationship expert. “For instance, height, freckles, big breasts, small breasts, big rear end, small rear end, waist size, hair, nose, skin tone — these are all areas that people tend to concern themselves with about their own bodies, and they worry about how they may appear to others.”

One of my friends is dating a woman who criticises his body in front of other people whenever she’s drunk. My friend told me he feels very diminished and hurt by her behaviour. His partner never remembers the nights when she verbally attacks him. As a result, my friend is thinking about ending his relationship.

If you criticise your partner about his/her family, friends, career, education, there’s a good chance your partner will turn away from you at some point, because you create a toxic environment for your relationship.

People who criticise their significant other all of the time may have a low self esteem. “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all” says one of my friends. The world would be a better place if people behave like that.

celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, women

Those who don’t want commitment

Some people don’t want a relationship. Millenials, for example, don’t want to get married, and have a family, because they fear their professional future. My younger cousins, who are 20, never introduced to our family any girlfriend (or boyfriend). When I asked them if they plan to get married some day, they just shrug their shoulders. But they told me they have it difficult with their studies and fear the day when they will have to search for work, as their tiny experience with the professional world has been difficult so far. My young cousins prefer to drown down their sorrow in parties with their group of   friends.

One of my coworkers, who’s 30, can’t stay in any relationship. He’s mean with the women he dates, as some friends and I saw when we bump into him in cafe and restaurants in our city. His Facebook status has often changed from “in a relationship” to “single” in a matter of weeks. When he’s involved in a relationship, he can’t help flirting with our female coworkers, especially the newly hired. “I guess he’s just fearful” says one of my friends, who knows him. I don’t think he would ever change.

Some people, like my coworker, don’t want be in a relationship because they want their freedom to flirt and get laid as much as possible.

But there are people who used to be involved in a marriage or a long-term relationship who don’t want to commit anymore. Diminished after two divorces, one of my friends has stayed single for ten years now. And he says he doesn’t want to live with someone else anymore, nor to get married again. He says he’s just too difficult to live with.

Some people have also difficulties to trust new people in their life. Because they were abused in the past, or because of their background, they fear any commitment.

But sometimes, it’s best to be single, rather than in a relationship.

life, love, relationships, thoughts, women

Desire (wonderful tonight)


Love and desire are two different things, according to the psychotherapist Esther Perel.

“If there is a verb, for me, that comes with love, it’s “to have.” And if there is a verb that comes with desire, it is “to want.” In love, we want to have, we want to know the beloved. We want to minimize the distance. We want to contract that gap. We want to neutralize the tensions. We want closeness. But in desire, we tend to not really want to go back to the places we’ve already gone. Forgone conclusion does not keep our interest. In desire, we want an Other, somebody on the other side that we can go visit, that we can go spend some time with,that we can go see what goes on in their red-light district. You know? In desire, we want a bridge to cross. Or in other words, I sometimes say, fire needs air. Desire needs space. And when it’s said like that, it’s often quite abstract” she said in a Ted speech. 

So, if you love someone, you can lose desire, because you need distance to desire someone, while you want to be close to the one you love.

Esther Perel said some couples don’t need to touch each other to feel desire. Instead, after their last meeting, they try to keep the desire alive. Sexting, for example, is a good way to keep the desire alive when we’re not together. Sexting means sending a suggestive message, or picture to our partner, or just a message saying how you long for your partner and you can’t wait to see him/her. It doesn’t mean sending a picture of your desk or a message about bitcoins or something in the news.

Some people also send items to their partner that remind him/her about the last meeting they had. It’s a promise for something hot in the next meeting.

But some people also desire their partner when they evolve in their professional or friendly circle. “Watching her talking to other men in a cocktail party just turns me on” says one of my friends. “I just enjoy watching him from afar” another one said.

It’s easy to lose desire unfortunately. Some people lose desire because their energy is eaten by stress, illness, or mental problems. And if just one partner is teasing the other, desire can also quickly fade away, as the teaser will get fed up of not having reciprocal desire.

life, love, relationships, thoughts, women

You’re not my everything (and it’s ok)

In his book “The all-or-nothing marriage”, the professor of social psychology Eli Finkle explains the people who have the higher-quality life are those who have a diversified social portfolios, aka people they go to for different sort of emotions. They don’t expect their partner to be their everything. They just accept their partner as they are.

Many experts say we have it wrong with the romantic idea to find someone who will be our everything.

Eli Finkle says everyone follows the Maslow pyramid to find happiness.


We can’t expect to count on just one person to reach these needs. “How do you make somebody feel safe, and loved, and beautiful without making him or her feel complacent? How do you make somebody feel energetic, and hungry, and eager to work hard without making them feel like you disapprove of the person they currently are?” asks Eli Finkle. “You can do it within a given marriage, but they should be aware that that is what they’re asking the partner to do. They should be aware that in some sense, the pursuit of those goals are incompatible and they need to be developing a way of connecting together that can make it possible” he adds. “There’s no reason why it has to be the same person who plays both of those roles. I would just urge everybody, think about what you’re looking for from this one relationship and decide, are these expectations realistic in light of who I am, who my partner is, what the dynamics that we have together are? If so, how are we going to achieve all of these things together? Or alternatively, how can we relinquish some of these roles that we play in each others’ lives, and outsource them to, say, another member of your social network“.

Do we risk to feel distant from our partner if we diversify our social relationships? After all, we are jealous animals. But we’re mainly jealous when our partner starts to cheat on us.  Trust is also really important in every relationship.

celibacy, life, love, relationships, wedding, women

Marrying late (against all odds)

Is it possible to get married for the first time at a late age? Yes. In 2012, an 88-year-old home resident got married for the first time to a fellow resident she met just six months earlier. One of my coworkers got married at 51 after living as a bachelor since he started working. His union was fragile at the beginning, because he wasn’t faithful to his new wife. He had an affair with a journalist from our newsroom. They tried to hide their affair but once a fellow journalist and I bumped into them while they were shopping hand in hand together. But he ended his affair, and his lover has developed a true hate for every of her coworkers since then. My coworker has stuck to his wife. He’s about to retire now, but wants to wait for her to retire so they can be together.

One of my mother’s friend got married at the first time at 61, to a widow she met at a ballroom dance class. She used to work abroad as a nurse, changing country regularly. But her sister got breast cancer and she decided to come back to our country to be close to her. Eventually, her sister recovered. She decided to stay.

It’s never too late to get married. But it’s against the odds. Past a certain age, the likelihood of staying single forever is increasing dramatically.  One of my friends is convinced that men above 35 are reluctant to commit. That’s why she advised me and her other single friends to look for younger men. I’m not convinced a 30-year-old guy is more likely to commit than a 45-year-old man.  Maybe younger men are more easily convinced to get married than their older counterpart. With age, we tend to be less flexible and vulnerable, and to be more satisfied to be single.