broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, thoughts, women

The Dylan McKay

Luke Perry, who just passed away (R.I.P) was known for his character in Beverly Hills 90210: Dylan McKay. When I was young, every of my female friend wished secretly to have a boyfriend like him. Because women don’t like when it’s too easy… But in my high school, none of the guys were close to Dylan McKay. No one rode a Porsche,  read poetry, and was rich that much in my High School. And guys who were tormented were just weirdo. Girls didn’t circle them. In other words, there were a lot of Brandon, aka the nice guy, in male groups during my high school. But no Dylan McKay.

My high school sweetheart was a bit tormented though, especially during the last year of our class. He was drunk most of the time when we used to go out with our group, during concerts, parties, exhibitions, … Once, he even ended in jail for destructing a booth in a fair, under the influence of alcohol. So in a sense, he was a bit a Dylan McKay. In other words, he was a bad boy.

Women are driven to bad boys. Recently, one of my coworkers told me she felt attracted to a TV anchor  who used to be a thief and ended in jail. “There’s something about him” she told me. 

But the Dylan McKay is just a fling. No one expected to end up in a long term relationship with a bad boy. Jonathan Franzen, in his book “Freedom”, theorizes this. Patty, his main character, end up with Walter, the nice guy, and not Richard, the bad boy, who just wants to remain alone.

It reminds me about the book “antifragile” written by the mathematician Nassim Taleb. He says women should marry the accountant or the economist, the boring guy,  who can provide, and have a good time with the rock star, aka the bad boy, once in a while. So, the Dylan McKay isn’t a good option. Unless you enjoy to be in a relationship that is like a roller coaster.

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life, love, men, relationships

Losers of love

I finished reading “Eros Capital. Climats” by the philosopher and politician François de Smet. In his book, he describes the evolution of relationship between men and women,  focusing on heterosexual relationships. He says men had for centuries power and wealth. The trends is only changing nowadays. But because of that, women married for economic reasons. Because without a husband, they could not survive. Or survived as a prostitute. Which is not very appreciated in our society. The goal for women at that time was to get married.

The author reminds that today, women are independent because they have an access to work. Because of that, divorces are on the rise. Yet, in this society, there are people who are excluded from the love market. Poor men are excluded, and old women too, no matter if they’re rich or poor, according to him.”You wouldn’t find any medicine student in incel groups” he says, referring to men who gather online to trash women because they don’t have success with them. It reminds me of the ligue of lol, in France, who harassed online mainly female journalists, bloggers, or artists. I read some of the members of this Facebook group were rejected by one of their victims. It screams revenge.

In this society, it’s better to be rich if you’re a man, and beautiful and young, if you’re a woman. Every jar doesn’t have its lid, according to him. That’s why there’s a pressure for women to be beautiful, and to spend a lot of money on their beauty. There’s no guarantee now your marriage will last forever. Because love doesn’t last long, according to him. Maximum 3 years. Enough to get pregnant and to secure your kid a future, according to him.

Yes, his book is very depressing.

I wouldn’t recommend it if you’re single and not young. Especially now, with Valentine’s Day in two days.

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life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Love at work

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Recently, one of my friends told me she was shocked her boss has left his wife to start a relationship with one of his assistants. “It gives our company a bad publicity” she says. Unfortunately for her, work relationships are very common. A recent survey by Careerbuilder said that 36% of people admit they already had a relationship with one coworker, and 22% with their boss That doesn’t mean these are well accepted. In some companies, it is forbidden to have a relationship with your boss or your coworker. People can get fired for that. But it’s not the case everywhere. It depends on the policy of the company.

In my company, there are no rules. My boss is in a relationship with our head of marketing . They publicly revealed their relationship last year, during our office party, where they were kissing each other and holding hands, to much of our dismay. It just shocked some of my female coworkers, who remembered that the previous year, our boss was accompanied by his then-wife. Some of my coworkers are also together. At our last office party,  our photography director appeared inseparable from a tall blonde who works as a secretary for our boss.

In some companies, people are asked to sign a love contract when they are hired, in which they commit to reveal their possible future union(s). This kind of transparency can be damageable because depending of the policy of the company, you can be fired or asked to work for another department. No one wants to see intimacy at work. And also, it can spark jealousy if you are in a relationship with your boss, because people will suspect you have an advantage over your coworkers.

But I can’t understand why is it forbidden to have a relationship with your boss or your coworker, because with the evolution of the society, women are more and more gaining their independence, as they work, and are not a housewife most of the time. As a friend says, you spend most of your time at work, where temptations are high.

But there’s also a reason why it is forbidden to have a relationship at work: harassment. Company that forbids work relationship try to avoid situation where those who have power over a team abuse their power. Luckily for me, in my company, my boss and superiors never use their power to destroy my career because I refuse their advances. They never made any unwanted proposals to me.  Some companies want to avoid this because it’s easier to prevent that to have a problem with harassment, as there’s a law in my country against it.

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celibacy, life, love, men, thoughts, women

The best out of ten

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Is it possible to find your soul mate based on math? I read a post about it, and I’m not very convinced.

How it works is basically you take the number people that you think you could go on dates with in your lifetime and so, let’s say 100. And mathematicians say take the square root that number, so that would be 10, and then you go on dates with those 10 people and afterward you tell them all, “No thanks.” But you remember out of those 10 which one was the best person that you met?

Then keep going on more dates and the minute you find someone who is better than that best person out of the 10, that person is the closest thing mathematically to finding your soul mate.

Basically, you have to remind who was the best date you had  out of 10 people who turned you down, and find someone (who won’t turn you down) who’s better than that person. What happens if you never find that person? Of if that person want to end the relationship after just one month?

Unfortunately, there’s no guarantee your “best person” is available to you. And basing you strategy to find that “best person” on a date which wasn’t for you isn’t a good idea, no matter how that person was awesome.

Do you remind your best date out of the 10 people who told you “no thanks”? Personally, I don’t, since I want to forget any of my bad dates. It would be difficult to find someone who is better than that.

And you can be a serial date if you search for the best person.

And  the feeling  that’s it all a lot of oysters, but no pearls

There’s no rule to find your soul mate. The best advice  I guess it’s to find someone who treat you with respect mutually.

 

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life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The unlikely seducers

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In the movie “Wild life”, Jeanette, the lead female character, finds herself in an affair with a much older man than her husband. Her lover isn’t handsome, but he’s rich, and full of promises. The film doesn’t show who made the first move, but it’s understood that he was the one to pursue Jeanette.

It takes two to tango. Jeanette could refuse his advances. But she’s seduced by him. But why does she choose him? In an interview, Carey Mulligan explains Jeanette is angry.  She’s angry because her family has moved 8 times, as her husband can’t find a good job. She’s angry because all of sudden, her husband decides to leave for a dangerous job. She feels her world is collapsing.

In theory,  a seducer should be a handsome man. But it’s not always the case. The word “handsome” doesn’t pop into my mind when I see one of my ex-coworkers, who tried to seduce every female journalist in my newsroom. He didn’t score with everyone, but he managed to seduce two of my female coworkers. The guy has a long list of contacts, who could introduce him to the greatest exhibitions, cocktail parties, concerts… in my country. He’s also very charming with women in general. He can’t help giving compliments to a woman during a simple conversation.

Another one in my newsroom just preys on the young one who are just recruited in my company. Usually, the young recruit doesn’t know anyone in the company yet, and is relieved to have someone to talk to at the coffee machine or at the cafeteria. At least, at the very beginning.

Michel Houellebecq, in “Particules élementaires”, writes men who used to be bullier when they were younger have easier than other men to seduce beautiful women, as they have understood how to seduce them. He doesn’t say if those women felt weak, but in his book, the bullier ends up with a beautiful but fragile orphan woman.

Of course, it helps if the man is handsome. But there are handsome men who are not at ease with women in general. And not that charming. In my newsroom, one of our photographers is a very handsome man. But he’s shy and doesn’t hit on the female workers.  As women don’t like when it’s too easy,  they are numerous in my company who offer him to have a lunch with them.  Sometimes, he just likes to eat on his own, reading his magazine.

 

 

 

 

 

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celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

In love with your male friend

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Friendship between opposite sex is often difficult, because of the sexual tension. Even if you’re both gay, it’s complicated. One of my female friends, who is lesbian, told me she’s attracted to one of her male friends, who is gay. There’s always a grey line. My friend even flirts with him in front of her significant other and his other one during parties. Usually, it turns into a fight with her significant other who is jealous. And it’s worse when my friend is drunk.  When she drinks to much, and her male friend too, they can’t help to touch each other. Her significant other is so pissed she starts to cry and leave. My friend is often sorry for that, and apologizes all of the time. Her male friend has also difficulties to keep any relationship because of her.

I asks her if she would consider dating her male friend. But my friend replies she can’t because he’s not interested. “I just feel he doesn’t love me like I do” she told me. She never told him she loves him. Because she also loves her significant, and doesn’t want to lose her.

It’s possible to fall in love with two different people, but not at the same time. My friend met her significant other at her gym class seven years ago, while she met her male friend two years ago, in a bar. He was the bartender.

But how do you know you’re in love with your male friend? Usually, if you can’t help talking about him/her to your friends, family, etc, it’s a good indication. If you feel jealous when your male friend likes pictures of other women, or talk to other women, it’s also a sign. But the opposite can also be true, because your male friend can also feel in love with you. A good sign is his jealousy, especially when you date other men. He won’t find any of your dates worth for you.

And the feeling doesn’t disappear if you have an other significant other.

 

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broken heart, life, love, thoughts, women

The fragile seven years

Every couple is fragile during their first years together. The first seven years, if you can reach that stage, are the most fragile. Especially if you have children with your significant other. Or just one child. A child doesn’t cement your relationship. When you have a baby, your center of attention changes. All circle around your newborn. You don’ t sleep well because of your newborn, and you can stress about your little one because it’s a new experience and you can fear to do not well.  You can feel tired because of lack of sleep. And very irritable because of that.

On top of that, you can feel isolated from your significant other.  Because when we fall in love, we don’t focus on the little things unpleasant our significant other does. Worse, we can fall in love with someone who are just like the parent we have the most difficulties.  One of my friends fell in love with a woman who was terrorizing him, like his father did with him. She was mean with him. He even fell unconscious after a fight with her. All of his friends hated her. They told him he should leave her. But she left him after four years together for another man. And he still resented her.

Why  do we do that? Because we look for something familiar. But it’s ill-fated. Because we try to save our partner, to change him/her, in hope for a better future.  People don’t change much. If you can’t handle his/her defaults, you can grow tired of your significant other. 

I was touched by this post posted on the blog Broadside. She said her significant other is her rock. If you can’t say that about your significant other, maybe it’s time to question your relationship.  A rock is “someone you can turn to who’s as firm and solid as a boulder, something steady and calm to lean against and take shelter behind, a fixed point you know will be there the next day and the next and the next, no matter what happens” writes the author on her blog. In other words, your significant other should be your best friend. Not someone you can’t rely on.

A child is a blessing, but also a big challenge. It’s best if you can count on your significant other to care for your little one. Unfortunately, some men are scared by parenthood and find the easy way out. They spend more time at work, or take a mistress, or start a new passion, … anything that would make them unavailable.  By pulling out like that, chances are their significant other will grow apart from them.

So yes, we can choose the wrong person. And even marry that person. We all fail, from time to time. The long run will tell you if your significant other is your rock. The test of time is maybe the only way to know if you found the right person. That’s why the first seven years are important. Even if one of my friends took 11 years to realize her husband was the not the right one. And even me.

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