life, love, relationships

Is Tinder going to end?

Esther Perel, a relationship therapist, says Tinder won’t last.

 ‘I’ve yet to find anyone who tells me that dating on any app is fun. Nobody tells me that it’s playful or mischievous – it is utterly uninspired, devoid of imagination, seduction, charge or excitement. It’s just romantic consumerism.

And when people do go on a date, it’s like a job interview’

It may be not that fun, but some people do meet their significant other thanks to Tinder and other dating apps.

When we use Tinder and other dating app, we rely on their algorithm to find people who can meet our needs. Some people use dating app to find a turnover of lovers. Some people use dating app to find their partner.

Like Esther Perel says, when people go on a date, it’s like they attend a job interview. The first date is always awkward because of that. But we don’t look for the same thing during a job interview.  In a job interview, we often put our skills and experiences forward.  Sometimes, we also mention our athletic feat, like our time during a marathon. During a date, we don’t give those details. But it’s true, in both cases, that we want to be liked.

It’s not necessarily a bad thing.

In the end, we always have the choice of taking the chance to pursue a relationship with our date or not.

So, Tinder is just a way to meet people.

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broken heart, life, love, thoughts

To follow again your ex on Instagram

In the social media age, it’s difficult to stay away from your recent breakup. Some people are tempted to stalk their ex after the breakup. It’s not wise and it doesn’t help you to move on, but sometimes, the best medicine to your obsession is the obsession itself.

But some people choose to unfollow their ex on social media, like snapchat, Tik Tok (for the young ones) and of course, the most used social media nowadays: Instagram. That social media is particular, since people only post pictures with sometimes a caption. It’s a little bit different from Facebook, where people can post links to articles, videos, pictures,….

Yet,  for some reasons, we can be tempted to follow again our ex on Instagram, as we can be tempted to re-friend our ex on Facebook after a hiatus. Like on Facebook, the person you choose to unfollow doesn’t get any notification. But he/she get a notification when you follow him/her. If the person has chosen to have a private account on Instagram, the social media will ask him/her if he/she wants to be followed by you. In other words, you remind your ex of your presence. It’s a first step to come back into your ex’s life.

If you want to come back into your ex’s life, it’s not going be easy.  Your ex can choose to block you from social media. If your ex doesn’t reject you, it doesn’t mean your ex want you to come back in his/her life. But in the digital age of social media, people are not that careful with their profile and account. So a new follower, even from the past, it’s not important for some people.Personally, I don’t really care who follow me on Instagram. I don’t post every day.

If you are still friends with your ex, it may be a good reason to follow your ex again on Instagram.

 

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life, love, relationships, thoughts

Birds of a feather?

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Birds of a feather often fly together, as it said. But it is guaranteed to last forever if you marry someone who comes from the same professional/social circle than you? Of course not. In the book “Serotonine”, the writer Michel Houellebecq narrates the live of an aristocrat, Aymeric d’Harcourt, who’s an agriculturist, and who lost his wife who was blue blood like him. She left him for a pianist who was in tour in their region. Florent-Claude, the principal character in the book, thought d’Harcourt and his wife were a good match because they came from the same social circle.

In my profession, many couples met each other at work. Some are still going strong, while some have ended in sometimes a bad way. So, it’s not guaranteed to last forever. Yet, there are strong stereotypes attached to the ideal couple, who should be in the same professional circle than we. One of my friends, who’s a teacher, told me he was asked many times if his significant other is also a teacher. As if it was obvious he should be with another teacher. His significant other isn’t. And so far, they’ve been together for a long time, and my friend is very happy in his love life. My significant other, who’s a MD, told me he got the same reaction when he told people about our relationship. The first remark he got was: “So, she ‘s a MD too?”.

Another friend of mine asked me why I don’t look for a journalist as partner. As it is my profession. But when I was on dating apps, I saw several male journalists (sometimes, I even know them in real life) but I swiped left every time. Maybe it’s because I know how a journalist can be in private life. One of my potential matches is a deputy chief editor who also teach in university and is often solicited to talk during multiple seminars. So he’s barely available. The other ones I know spend long hours at work too. I don’t know why, but it screamed “no” when I saw their profiles on dating apps.

Besides, I also have plenty of negative examples of homogeneous couples, where Mr. and Mrs do the same job. In my newsroom, there were two official couples. When one of them started to be official, their career suffered because they were hindered by something related to their relationship. Eventually, Mr. left our newsroom and the world of journalism to be a PR. He’s never returned. But they are still together. The other couple also end up with one of the members leaving the world of journalism, this time to pursue time writing a book.

There’s also the risk to be jealous of your significant other’s success.

 

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life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Living apart together (LAT)

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Gwyneth Paltrow and her husband, Brad Falchuk, don’t live together all of the time. She said they live apart three days per week, and together four days per week. Kaley Cuoco and her husband,  Karl Cook, don’ t live together every single day. But they plan to move together once their house is built. I also read Gwyneth Paltrow and her husband plan to move together.

One of my friends, who’s single, says he doesn’t want to live with his significant other all of the time. Because he needs some space.  His cousin doesn’t live with her husband every single day, because he has an apartment in a town where he’s a professor during the week. He only lives with her during the weekends and during his holidays. So far, their marriage is strong. They’ve been married for 20 years now. They are living apart together.

There are many reasons why we don’t live all of the time with our spouse/significant other. In my country, the law forbids married people to live apart, but in real life, there are married people who don’t live together all of the time. One of my acquaintances works in another country, not very far from our country. But his wife works in our country. So during four days of the week, he lives alone in a little apartment they bought together, while she lives in their house with their three children. One of my coworkers is married to a man who often travels around the world. He’s not always home because of that. Sometimes, he’s away for three weeks.

It takes a lot of trust to live apart from our significant other. Yet, some people find some agreements especially when we fall in love late in our life. Recently, one of my coworkers told me he interviewed one of our former ministers. He was surprised she told him her significant other just lives in the apartment next to hers, on the same floor. “Every one of us needs our space” she said. So, they agree not to live with each other. But they live very near to each other. When my coworker ended his interview, her significant other entered the room and went to the kitchen to have a coffee. “He’s always welcome here, of course” she told him. My coworker, who’s married, admits he doesn’t understand this.

Does distance (some of it) keep the flame of love alive? There’s always the risk to grow apart from our significant other.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, thoughts, women

The Dylan McKay

Luke Perry, who just passed away (R.I.P) was known for his character in Beverly Hills 90210: Dylan McKay. When I was young, every of my female friend wished secretly to have a boyfriend like him. Because women don’t like when it’s too easy… But in my high school, none of the guys were close to Dylan McKay. No one rode a Porsche,  read poetry, and was rich that much in my High School. And guys who were tormented were just weirdo. Girls didn’t circle them. In other words, there were a lot of Brandon, aka the nice guy, in male groups during my high school. But no Dylan McKay.

My high school sweetheart was a bit tormented though, especially during the last year of our class. He was drunk most of the time when we used to go out with our group, during concerts, parties, exhibitions, … Once, he even ended in jail for destructing a booth in a fair, under the influence of alcohol. So in a sense, he was a bit a Dylan McKay. In other words, he was a bad boy.

Women are driven to bad boys. Recently, one of my coworkers told me she felt attracted to a TV anchor  who used to be a thief and ended in jail. “There’s something about him” she told me. 

But the Dylan McKay is just a fling. No one expected to end up in a long term relationship with a bad boy. Jonathan Franzen, in his book “Freedom”, theorizes this. Patty, his main character, end up with Walter, the nice guy, and not Richard, the bad boy, who just wants to remain alone.

It reminds me about the book “antifragile” written by the mathematician Nassim Taleb. He says women should marry the accountant or the economist, the boring guy,  who can provide, and have a good time with the rock star, aka the bad boy, once in a while. So, the Dylan McKay isn’t a good option. Unless you enjoy to be in a relationship that is like a roller coaster.

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life, love, men, relationships

Losers of love

I finished reading “Eros Capital. Climats” by the philosopher and politician François de Smet. In his book, he describes the evolution of relationship between men and women,  focusing on heterosexual relationships. He says men had for centuries power and wealth. The trends is only changing nowadays. But because of that, women married for economic reasons. Because without a husband, they could not survive. Or survived as a prostitute. Which is not very appreciated in our society. The goal for women at that time was to get married.

The author reminds that today, women are independent because they have an access to work. Because of that, divorces are on the rise. Yet, in this society, there are people who are excluded from the love market. Poor men are excluded, and old women too, no matter if they’re rich or poor, according to him.”You wouldn’t find any medicine student in incel groups” he says, referring to men who gather online to trash women because they don’t have success with them. It reminds me of the ligue of lol, in France, who harassed online mainly female journalists, bloggers, or artists. I read some of the members of this Facebook group were rejected by one of their victims. It screams revenge.

In this society, it’s better to be rich if you’re a man, and beautiful and young, if you’re a woman. Every jar doesn’t have its lid, according to him. That’s why there’s a pressure for women to be beautiful, and to spend a lot of money on their beauty. There’s no guarantee now your marriage will last forever. Because love doesn’t last long, according to him. Maximum 3 years. Enough to get pregnant and to secure your kid a future, according to him.

Yes, his book is very depressing.

I wouldn’t recommend it if you’re single and not young. Especially now, with Valentine’s Day in two days.

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life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Love at work

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Recently, one of my friends told me she was shocked her boss has left his wife to start a relationship with one of his assistants. “It gives our company a bad publicity” she says. Unfortunately for her, work relationships are very common. A recent survey by Careerbuilder said that 36% of people admit they already had a relationship with one coworker, and 22% with their boss That doesn’t mean these are well accepted. In some companies, it is forbidden to have a relationship with your boss or your coworker. People can get fired for that. But it’s not the case everywhere. It depends on the policy of the company.

In my company, there are no rules. My boss is in a relationship with our head of marketing . They publicly revealed their relationship last year, during our office party, where they were kissing each other and holding hands, to much of our dismay. It just shocked some of my female coworkers, who remembered that the previous year, our boss was accompanied by his then-wife. Some of my coworkers are also together. At our last office party,  our photography director appeared inseparable from a tall blonde who works as a secretary for our boss.

In some companies, people are asked to sign a love contract when they are hired, in which they commit to reveal their possible future union(s). This kind of transparency can be damageable because depending of the policy of the company, you can be fired or asked to work for another department. No one wants to see intimacy at work. And also, it can spark jealousy if you are in a relationship with your boss, because people will suspect you have an advantage over your coworkers.

But I can’t understand why is it forbidden to have a relationship with your boss or your coworker, because with the evolution of the society, women are more and more gaining their independence, as they work, and are not a housewife most of the time. As a friend says, you spend most of your time at work, where temptations are high.

But there’s also a reason why it is forbidden to have a relationship at work: harassment. Company that forbids work relationship try to avoid situation where those who have power over a team abuse their power. Luckily for me, in my company, my boss and superiors never use their power to destroy my career because I refuse their advances. They never made any unwanted proposals to me.  Some companies want to avoid this because it’s easier to prevent that to have a problem with harassment, as there’s a law in my country against it.

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