celibacy, life, love, men, reflexion, thoughts, women

If there is a will, there is a way

edgar

A long time ago, one reader of this blog wrote me an email ending with this sentence: “A sailor without any destination cannot hope for a favorable wind”. In other words, if we don’t know what we want, we can’t expect to have a positive result.

A will is sometimes not enough, because we can fail at our goal. It’s true for everything we try to accomplish, from our personal goals in life to every challenge we take in our professional life.

But even with failure, we can learn precious lessons from our experience. And eventually succeed. It took me four attempts to win my award in journalism some years ago. I could have dropped the first time I failed, but I didn’t. A friend of mine encouraged me to pursue my attempts. I remember the way I won that award. Before, I didn’t ask people to read my article and to criticise  it before publishing it and sending it to the jury.  The last time, I asked two journalists who were very very difficult to please to read my article, and they advised me to make some small changes in my article before it was published. It was a good advice.

When it comes to love, sometimes, the first attempt is not the right one. One of my friends took years to eventually get back with her ex. They have recently bought a house together and I don’t know why but I hear wedding bells for these two. She met him through mutual friends almost twelve years ago. They started dating shortly after, but he broke up with her after 6 months because he told her he wasn’t ready for a relationship. Yet, they didn’t stop contacting each other. Both dated other people, with not much success, until my friend suddenly had to find another apartment because her two roommates decided to move out of their common apartment as both of them were about to get married. At the time, she had the choice of sharing an apartment with me, or moving in with her ex who had a spare room at his place. She chose that option. She told me she had always wanted to get back with him. It didn’t mean she got back with him right away after she moved in with him. In fact, he kept her at distance at the beginning. But my friend had to be hospitalised  because of her endometriosis. He stood at her side during her hospitalisation. Shortly after, her father passed away. During the funerals, her ex stood at her side all of the time. She winked and smiled at me when I looked at them. That’s how I understood they were back together.

To love someone is to learn how to love him/her, says the philosopher Alain de Botton. It’s not obvious, not at all. But I guess it’s easier when we know what we want.

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celibacy, life, love, reflexion, thoughts, women

Holidays Greetings

50-happy-new-year-status-for-whatsapp-messages-for-facebook-2017-1

On the 1st of January, I received a short message on WhatsApp from my ex, with a text as original as the one in the picture above. It’s been weeks since we spoke to each other. I’ve stopped contacting him after seeing no reply from him to several of my messages. So, I didn’t expect a message from him at all.

His message was short, wishing me a happy new year. He didn’t mention my name. He may have sent this message to several people in his contact list. It looks like it. I just replied to his message with the same kind of words. I thought he sent this by accident. After all, why would he do that, after weeks of silence?

We’re not friends. Another ex of mine sent me a message wishing me a happy new year. But we’re friends and he doesn’t let me down when I call him or when I leave him a message. Over the years, we’ve managed to build a solid friendship. So I was just happy to receive his best wishes, and I happily replied to him.

Over the years, we both went through up and downs in our life, and he’s always at my side during those periods, while I’m always here for him. But our friendship didn’t come easily. We went through periods where we wouldn’t contact each other.

Why are the greetings so difficult to accept from certain people?

Well, during the winter holidays, some feelings come back. Every year, a friend of mine goes a little bit neurotic because she told me it’s always a drama when she goes visiting her family. This year, my boss shouted she hated the holidays because she hit a difficult patch with her sister.

And this is for those who still have a family. Some people don’t have a family to celebrate Christmas.

But those dinners with the family can turn sour, between your uncle who asks you why you’re still single, when it’s not your mother or father who asks you that question, and between your in-laws who give you plenty of advices for your life you don’t ask for. For those who have a big family, those dinners can be spread on two, three, four, five days in a row.

Yet, this is just for the week between Christmas and New Year’s Eve.  Most of us spend the New Year’s Eve with our significant other, our children, and/or friends, and the evening is less difficult.

Despite that, some messages are not very welcomed.

The message we don’t welcome very well come from people who disappoint us. The disappointment can come because those people were silent in our life for months even years. “I received a Happy New Year from my father, who left our family four years ago and didn’t  contact us since then. So it was a shock. But I didn’t want to reply to him” says one of my friends.

I have a friend who didn’t show to my wedding and gave me no excuse for this. He wishes me every year a happy New Year, and a Happy Birthday, but he never asks to see me for a drink or a dinner, or a visit to my home. He doesn’t ask how I am, and how my family is doing. Those messages are really annoying to me because I know I can’t expect anything more from him”  another friend of mine said.

What do you do with those messages? Do you reply a neutral message? Do you ignore the message? Do you call the friend/ family who let you down to say how you feel?

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, reflexion, thoughts, women

Stay (faraway, so close)

Stay. Four simple letters that can turn a desperate situation into a promising one. This is how the relationship of one of my friends started, after a disastrous start.

A first date is never easy. Either you hesitate a lot and say stupid things if you really like the person who’s in front of you. Or you try to impress him/her. But often, this doesn’t work.

Plus, lying on your first date is stupid. If you want to pursue a relationship afterward, you’ve got to be honest. But the truth has sometimes nothing sexy.

In my friend’s case, her date with her now husband was awkward. He invited her to the restaurant (what an idea for a first date…). And there, everything went wrong. My friend ate something she couldn’t eat. He spilled his soup all over his suit. So, he offered her to go back to his place just nearby just to give her some meds for her sickness and take the occasion to change his outfits.

Their conversation was disastrous. They were both shy and didn’t know what to say to each other. After two glasses of wine, the tension went down, but this was when she ate something wrong and he spilled the soup.

At his apartment, after he changed and she took her pill, she decided it was enough. She told me she felt miserable at that moment, because she really liked him, but she thought it was hopeless. When she was about to leave, he just told her to stay a little bit longer. Much to her surprise. And then, the conversation changed, and the relationship started.

Stay is a powerful word. It just shows how much you care about the person. On the contrary, when a person tells you to leave, it shows how little you care about the person.

B. for instance never told me to stay. He never opposed to my decisions about finding another man, going far away from him. He just said he didn’t want to imprison me. Yet, he said he loved me. I guess this is love with no string attached. This is not something for me.

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celibacy, life, love, men, reflexion, relationships, thoughts, women

Me, myself and I

One thing really strikes me when I look at the differences between single and hooked people: their level of personal development.  The single ones have plenty of time to go out, see their (single) friends, go to the cinema, to museums, read a lot of books, learn other languages,… While the people involved in a couple, if they’re not selfish, share most activities together. This means you have to deal sometimes with two opposite views: one wants to stay at home while the other wants to go out and see their friends for example (a classic).

When you’re single, nobody’s telling you what you should(not) do. If you take time to do some activities, nobody will complain you’re not spending time enough with him/her.  You don’t have to clean your home if you don’t want to, and save that time to do something else.

That’s how I realised my single friends are much more cultivated now than those who are in couple. When we talk about books we read or films/shows we saw, we aren’t at the same level.

Of course, there are exceptions. “My husband is often away because of his job, and I have plenty of time for me. We don’t have kids, so I don’t have to take care of them” explains V., 34.  A friend of mine keeps herself cultivated despite having two kids and a demanding husband. “But I admit it is hard” she said.

I don’t envy my single friends. They have the pressure of finding their soul mate (if they listen to their entourage), and it can be sad to be alone all the time, and don’t have body warm. I just envy their liberty, sometimes. Besides, I wouldn’t want to leave the light of my life (remember that I’m the Perfect Drug 😉  )

Do you enjoy being single, and why? If you’re not, do you enjoy being in a couple?

 

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humor, life, love, reflexion, relationships, wedding, women

The secret of a successful marriage

This news is quite astonishing. If you believe it, sharing household chores is the key to a successful marriage. I noticed however that men and women have a different idea of what is sharing household chores. Generally, when you ask a couple separately who is doing what in the house, you ‘ll get opposite answers. Mister will say he is really helpful, while Madam will say she’s doing most of the job.

The truth is men have a different conception of what are household chores. “For him, I just cook for the two of us by pure pleasure, and he believes I like ironing his shirts, so he doesn’t count all this in the household chores” explains G., 32. “Household chores boil down to one thing for him: cleaning the garbage” F., 35, said. “He believes that I truly enjoy going shopping. But for me, there’s a huge difference between shopping for clothes/shoes/bags and shopping for filling the fridge”L. 40, said.

Of course, all men don’t think that way. But curiously, those are the one who handle most of the household chores at home, because either Madam is busy working or she’s too lazy.

So, how do you deal with household chores in your couple? And if you’re single, is it an important criteria to pick your partner?

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life, love, men, reflexion, relationships, sex, thoughts, women

Just a Peeping Tom

Most of us couldn’t stand to be cheated on, but on the other hand, when it comes to infidelity, we tend to be more indulgent with ourselves.  I recently had a long discussion with a friend of mine about how we consider to be unfaithful to our partner, and I realised that the very definition of infidelity varies a lot from one person to another.

Let’s take an example: if you kiss another man, would you consider this as cheating?  That’s a tough question, because it depends on the circumstances. For me, I would say this is cheating, but for some women, it isn’t. “It depends a lot. If it’s a guy you met while you were throwing a bachelorette party, it doesn’t count. But if it’s a man you flirted with all night long, it is” said my friend.

Another example: Do you consider flirting with another man as cheating? Well, again, it depends on the circumstances. If it’s a man you’re sure you’ll never see again, no.  If it’s your colleague, friends, a person of your entourage,… you see all the time, yes. That’s my opinion (but I don’t flirt with other people in general). My friend agrees.

Then, there’s the virtual infidelity. Have you ever chatted with another man online (your colleague at work or a perfect stranger) , and do you consider this as cheating?  My answer is yes, and my friend agrees.

And your crush for a celebrity, how far does it go? Do you think about him/her when you make love to your partner? And do you think it’s cheating?  Gosh, it never happened to me, and I would answer no to that question. But my friend did several times, and she considers this as cheating.

Another friend of mine doesn’t believe in exclusive relationships. So far, she has only been in open relationships, but she told me there are rules to be respected. First, she never falls in love with men she meets other than her official partner. Secundo, she tries not to meet them again. Tertio,  she never tells anything to her official. And he must follows the same rules with her.

How do you locate yourself towards all this questions? And what is your definition of infidelity?

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celibacy, life, love, men, reflexion, relationships, women

Nine millions bicycles in Beijing

The one-child policy in China has some curious developments. Because in this country, and in many other Asian countries like India and Pakistan, little girls are seen as a burden because of the dot, women become more and more a rare breed there.  But this is where it starts to get interesting.

While in Occidental countries, some women struggle to find the man of their dream (or even just a man), in those countries, the women will just have plenty of choices. Now that the first generation of the one-child policy, launched 25 years ago,  is reaching marriage age, it is estimated that 40 millions of Chinese young men will stay forever bachelor.

I wish I was a Chinese woman right now. If your fiancee don’t please you enough, you always have plenty of options to replace him, straight away. The words “compromise” and “flexibility”  would be forever deleted from your vocabulary. He complains about your propension to collect and accumulate things? Out! He’s not enough generous with you? Out!

On the other hand, for the men in those countries, this situation will turn into a real competition. You will have to be the most handsome, the wealthiest, the best lover if you want to have a fiancee. And it’s not guaranteed she would stay with you forever.  I wouldn’t want to be a young Chinese man right now…

Maybe his way out would be to find an occidental woman. When you see all these chicks who go on vacation in exotic countries like the Dominican Republic, Cameroon, Egypt,… just to find a gigolo there  (some try to establish a serious relationship with one of the allochtons who obviously is everything but in love with them), you just think: why don’t they go to India or China instead ? Chinese/Indian men are as exotic as an African to the eyes of a white Occidental, aren’t they? 

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