celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

In love with your male friend

215795_backdrop_scale_1280xauto

Friendship between opposite sex is often difficult, because of the sexual tension. Even if you’re both gay, it’s complicated. One of my female friends, who is lesbian, told me she’s attracted to one of her male friends, who is gay. There’s always a grey line. My friend even flirts with him in front of her significant other and his other one during parties. Usually, it turns into a fight with her significant other who is jealous. And it’s worse when my friend is drunk.  When she drinks to much, and her male friend too, they can’t help to touch each other. Her significant other is so pissed she starts to cry and leave. My friend is often sorry for that, and apologizes all of the time. Her male friend has also difficulties to keep any relationship because of her.

I asks her if she would consider dating her male friend. But my friend replies she can’t because he’s not interested. “I just feel he doesn’t love me like I do” she told me. She never told him she loves him. Because she also loves her significant, and doesn’t want to lose her.

It’s possible to fall in love with two different people, but not at the same time. My friend met her significant other at her gym class seven years ago, while she met her male friend two years ago, in a bar. He was the bartender.

But how do you know you’re in love with your male friend? Usually, if you can’t help talking about him/her to your friends, family, etc, it’s a good indication. If you feel jealous when your male friend likes pictures of other women, or talk to other women, it’s also a sign. But the opposite can also be true, because your male friend can also feel in love with you. A good sign is his jealousy, especially when you date other men. He won’t find any of your dates worth for you.

And the feeling doesn’t disappear if you have an other significant other.

 

Advertisements
Standard
celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The algorithm of love?

eHarmony, a dating site, just announced in Lisbon today during Websummit 2018, that thanks to artificial intelligence, it could support people to ask for date after a online conversation.  “There are many conversations on our site, but there are few dates in general ” said eHarmony CEO during the conference.

Loveflutter, an british dating app, plans to analyze conversations on their app to find if two people are compatible. It want to send a message to the two chatters to suggest a date “because it reduces the pressure to ask for a date” said Loveflutter CEO.

Sean Rad, Tinder founder, predicts that Siri, the vocal assistant on your iPhone, could serve as an go-between.

But would you follow your phone if Siri or another artificial “intelligence” suggest you to date the person you are messaging?

I’m not very convinced. How can an artificial intelligence judge if you are compatible with your messenger?

I have plenty of experiences on Tinder where I started to chat with a guy who seemed to have some common points with me, only to lose them in the sea of algorithms on Tinder.

There are many reasons why some people just vanish after some conversations on dating sites. The number one is, like my friend said, the coldness of internet. “I don’t feel any spark with any guy I met online” she told me. She prefers to flirt with men in real life, even if it’s very difficult. “Usually, I’m very disappointed by the guy when I met him in real life after a chat with him on a dating app” she said.

The second reason is the many choices dating sites and app offer you. Why bet on only person when there are so plenty fish in the sea?  This perspective, to have always someone to find on internet, has done a true damage to relationships, says sociologists like Eva Illouz.

The third reason is just because people can’t forget their ex. Or are just depressed. They prefer to have distance with people they meet, even online.

Besides, an algorithm has flaws. Cathy o’Neil, a mathematician, said in her last book  that in the age of algorithms, it should lead to fairness, but the opposite is true and lead to discrimination.

So, would you trust an algorithm? It’s like asking “are you satisfied by your Google Search”? or “the people you may know” on Facebook. Usually, you are never satisfied by your first answer…

Standard
life, love, relationships, thoughts, women

Opting out

In the #metoo area, are women all equal with men? Not that much. Women still earn less than men. One explanation is a trend to work part time. When you work less, you earn less. Many of my female friends choose to sacrifice their professional time to care for their young children. As they earn less than their husband, they accept to sacrifice a bit of their professional time. Their husband, on other hand, receive promotions, bonus, … In other words, they climb the social ladder, while my friends can’t expect that much with their sacrifice.

Another explanation is the wrong advice to do what you love. Most of the time, the things you love to do are barely financial profitable. I don’t earn anything from my blog, even if I love to write on it. Unfortunately, on social networks, like Facebook, I see many of my friends, mostly women, posting philosophical sentences like that on their wall. As if that goal was the golden rule. Failures are at high risk if you want to do what you love.

But there are also women who choose to opt out. Recently, I went to a conference where two startups CEO chatted about their wife. One of them said his wife is also an entrepreneur and have her own company. The other one said his wife choose to opt out because of their five children. “It was impossible for us if both of us were working to care for the children. When my wife was pregnant with our fifth child, we decided it was best for us if she stopped working” he said. The other CEO looked at him horrified. He said they don’t plan to have any child yet, because his wife and him were still too young. He added he didn’t want his wife to sacrifice her career.

I’m not really worried for the wife with five children, as she comes from a wealthy family. She didn’t have to work anyway. But for women who are not that wealthy, the choice to opt out is a terrible decision for their career and financial situation.

Unfortunately, their marriage can end with a divorce. And they can be financial fragile after a divorce. Their children will also grow up and leave the house. When you spend your time away from any social activity because of your kid, it can be difficult to end up alone when your kid leave the house.

Beside, when you have a daughter, what kind of model you want to teach her? To be financial independent? Or to marry a rich guy?  I can’t imagine a situation where you say to your daughter you want her to be financial independent while you are just married to a wealthy guy?

In our modern society, it’s also riskier to expect to stay in a long term relationship. We break easily. Is it because we are disillusioned and fall for anything glittering?

Standard
celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

A kiss on the first date

Is it ok to kiss on the first date? It depends. I’ve been to many dates where I was not sure at all about the man I had in front of me. I’ve only kissed one of my dates on the first date because I found him so sexy with his blue shirt and I felt secured with him. After all, we all look for someone attractive.

Most of the time, I’ve waited at least until the third date to kiss, to evaluate our interactions and our compatibility.  I also believe that men who can wait and still date me until the third date are interested in me. One of my friends told me she considers rude when a man pushes to interact physically on the first date. “It could mean he’s just interested in having sex with you” she says.

Unfortunately, there are no rules when it comes to kiss on the first date. One of my friends told me he kissed his date on the first date, and so far, they are still going strong, after two years.

I guess the best way to decide if you want to kiss on the first date is to listen to your gut. If you don’t feel any spark after the first date, where we are supposed to be at our best, maybe it’s the sign it’s not going well. But if you feel a spark, and want to wait to kiss your date, it’s ok.

Standard
celibacy, dating site, life, love, relationships, thoughts, women

Facebook as an love counseller?

 

Would you listen to Facebook if the social media advises you to date a person its algorithms calculated your compatibility?

As the social media wants to be part of the world of dating site and apps, it’s possible that this outcome will happen sooner or later. But are we ready to delegate our decisions to an algorithm? Especially with love?

I believe we still have the last words in this situation. Because it’s not because an algorithm calculated the compatibility between two people it would lead to a wedding. We still have the choice to date that person, and feel attracted or not to him/her. Besides, the algorithm would probably used the data you left on Facebook, like your photos, the things you have liked on people’s profile, your messages and your posts. Is it enough to get a real view on our personality?

 That would be terrifying, honestly. Especially since the social media have been accused to influence people’s vote thanks to an analysis of their data.

Besides, is there a right person for us? The philosopher Alain de Botton says we will marry the wrong person, and it’s a good thing. Simply because we’re not perfect, and each of us have a history that has shaped who we are.

And we don’t like when there’s no choice. For example, recently, there was a free ice cream offered to everyone in my building, but there was only just one flavour: chocolate. Many people didn’t want the ice cream. I didn’t want it either. We have a sneaky way to rebel against thing.

And finally, it takes two to tango. Even if we are compatible, there’s a chance one of the “future” partners isn’t that interested or is emotionally unavailable.

Standard
broken heart, celibacy, relationships, thoughts, women

The high risks with a separated man

catinabox

Recently, I met a man who told me he was just separated with his wife. It’s been only three months they have separated, and he’s still live with her and their two children, even though they share a house and an apartment in order to live apart from each other. He told me he went to several dates since his separation. One of his dates didn’t want to pursue with him after that. I guess she felt the same way than me. I fear he would realise sooner or later his mistake and come back to his wife. His date was seeing other men, and she told him she decided to pursue a relationship with one of them. I just tell him I don’t see a positive evolution with him as he’s still lives with his wife and he shares with her many mutual friends. He told me he would spend his summer going with their friends abroad where his wife would be there.

Some women don’t bother to date a separated man, because they know he feels alone and hurt. But he also has a lot of resentment from his previous relationship. He may not be emotionally available. My date, for example, didn’t ask many questions to me when we matched on Tinder. He didn’t even try to google me.  He just said he wanted to meet him to see if we could be compatible. I already had some bad intuitions about our meeting.

Some of my dates did their homework before meeting me for the first time. One of them is a CEO, who always looks for informations about the person he will meet. It’s a good way to make the person feel interesting. I told him I ran at the time two blogs, and he read both of it before meeting me  and asked questions about it. He was one of the best dates I’ve been so far.

But I don’t say it’s always ill-fated to date a separated man, because it depends on how it ended, and also where he sits in his life.  A friend of mine left his previous relationship and wanted to live closer to his work. So when it was over, he moved out. He didn’t have many friends in common with his ex, who could have acted a cement between her and he. He didn’t have any child with her. So he had a fresh start in his new home town, and he wanted to share his experience with a new partner.

So, if he tells you he’s separated, ask questions about why it ended, and how he’s interacting with his future ex-wife. These are precious indications. But the most important is the way he treats you. If he doesn’t do what he promises, if he leaves you without contacting you for weeks, if he criticises you out of the blue and makes you feel belittled, if he cheats on you, maybe he’s not worth your time.

Standard
broken heart, celibacy, life, love, relationships, thoughts

Do all men come back to their ex?

“All guys come back to their ex, in some ways”. That’s what I heard recently in a bar. From my experience, I can tell that all of my ex’s didn’t come back to me.  There are some who completely disappear from my life and it’s been years, decades even, since we broke up. One of them was a foreign student during my College year. He went back to his country after finishing College. I’ve never heard about him anymore. One of them was a friend. We used to hang out a lot when we were in High School, but after we broke up, he didn’t want to speak to me anymore.

But that was before Facebook. None of them tried to reconnect with me through that social media. Post Facebook, I’ve noticed my ex’s who are still among my “friends” sometimes like my posts and pictures. But they don’t initiate contact with me. They don’t ask if I’m doing good, but they see it on Facebook.  That social media makes us lazy…

There are some who only wish me a happy birthday and a happy new year. And that’s all they have to say.

So, it seems Facebook has done a good job of allowing ex’s to remain in contact. In some forms of contact.

Ex’s who really come back to me are an exception in my life. But two of them are just friends with me now.  “If he really comes back into your life, it’s because he’s your soulmate” says one of my friends.

Standard