celibacy, life, love, men, sex, thoughts, women

The sapiosexual

glasses-books

A sapiosexual is someone who is only attracted to intelligent people. This definition is very large. I fall into this category since all my ex’s have that common point. But recently, I experienced a strange conversation on Tinder with a guy I matched who told me he was a sapiosexual. He said that after I told him about the books I’m currently reading. I’m a strange reader, because I read several books at the same time. He said I was turning him on with that detail. But then, he asked me to tell him about physics and some obscure concepts. “Seduce me”, he added. I didn’t reply. To be fair, I don’t know anything about physics. I don’t have that scientific sensibility.

The guy has pretty high standards for his potential significant other (or maybe just a hookup, it’s Tinder after all…).

I don’t ask on Tinder to my matchs if they can quote a poem from Baudelaire, some lines from”Economie du bien commun”, a theorem from Mandelbrot,…. Even if the guy can quote any of these, I’m not sure it will turn me on anyway.

I’m not sure any of my ex’s would be able to do so too.

When one of them mocked me because he found “Economie du bien commun” on my coffee table, I didn’t dismiss him because of his ignorance. In fact, I was hurt by his behavior, because he mocked the intellectual who read this book,  he mocked who I am. This is a big deal breaker for me.

If he had asked just why I was reading that book, or asked questions about this book, or even ignored it, I wouldn’t have called it quits with him.

There is more than the intellect, there is emotional intelligence.

What’s the point of dating someone who can discuss with you for hours about literature, but treats you with no respect?

Some years ago, I had a date like that. I met the guy at a conference. He invited me to have a drink with him. We spent the evening discussing about Celine. But when the bill arrived at our table, he asked me if we could go dutch. And he mocked me because I had difficulty to open the door when we went out of the restaurant. He could have helped me gently to open the door.

So, sapiosexuality maybe a horrible dating trend.

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life, love, men, relationships, sex, thoughts, women

The lack of touching

touching-on-date

Time Magazine recently interviewed a 100-years old sex therapist who regrets our busy life, because we lose desire easily for our significant other.  She also regrets we don’t touch and caress our significant other because we are too busy with our smartphone, even if we communicate through it.

I tend to leave my smartphone on mute or even off whenever I’m with a date or a lover. And I will be shocked if he pulls out his smartphone in front of me to answer a call or a message, especially if I talk to him. But I’ve noticed around me it’s not necessarily the case. I’ve been invited to many dinners where most people just stared at their smartphone and don’t talk to each other. I’ve seen couples who communicate through Facebook even if they are in the same place, very close to each other.

Even if you leave sweet messages to your significant other, it’s not really the same than touching him/her, stroking, caressing him/her and kissing him/her.

This is a bad example, but recently, one of my young coworkers was shocked by the behavior of one of coworkers who is married to a fellow coworker. Because she touched him in the back while he was talking to someone else. It is advised to avoid any public display of affection at the office, so I understand why my coworker was a bit shocked. In large company, it is even forbid to work with our significant other. In my previous company, couples were split in different locations to avoid any conflict of interest.

But I asked my coworker if she were shocked to see couples touching (gently) each other outside the office, and she said nobody does that around her. As if we have  forgotten about that.

I guess it depends on people. And how we were raised when we were children. My parents still hold each other hand in public. To hold your significant other’s hand is the most accepted public display of affection. Yet, some couples don’t hold each other hand. Even some of my exes didn’t want to hold my hand in public. But it’s not a proof of any commitment. Some guys just hold your hand because it’s their first step to get closer to you.

As for touching your arm or your back, It’s not a big deal for men or any sign of commitment. Many of my (older) coworkers touch the arm of the women they want to say hello to. One of them is a notorious womanizer  (sometimes, some of his exes come into our office and make a scandal).

Touching the face is another story. It’s difficult to do that with someone you just met. And it’s not a common public display of affection. Many people do that in private. And even in private, some people avoid this.

So far,  at the many dinners where I was invited, I’ve seen none of those public displays of affection. At least at the beginning of the evening. After few drinks, some people lose their ways. But sometimes, alcohol makes people aggressive toward each other and can’t help fighting with each other.

It’s easy to put distance with our significant other. And generally, it simply starts with the physical distance.

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Good lovers

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There are no bad lovers, just bad couples” recently wrote Le Monde in an article. 

If you complain about how bad is your lover, you should blame yourself instead, said that article. It’s a bit harsh, since you can have a violent lover who forces you to do things you don’t want to do. But it’s also true we can always stand for ourselves and never hesitate to tell when we don’t like something to put an end to it.

Recently, one of my friends and I discussed about how difficult it becomes for men to have a regular erection past a certain age. “Many of my female friends told me their husband can’t have an erection anymore. But that’s not the end of their sex life, because they either use oral sex, or a hand job, or sex toys” he said. My friend is older than me, much older, and he added that at his age, it becomes difficult to have an erection without the help of a certain blue pill.

But even at my age, I have encountered men who have that same problems. They don’t necessarily make bad lovers. They just need help.

It takes two to tango. If the other one just stands as a sea star, while the other tries his best to make her come, chances are one of the couple feels frustrated while the other just gets bored. “If love fades, it’s because we want to leave love fade” recently said Carla Bruni-Sarkozy in an interview.

The reasons why our sex life isn’t great may lie in other places than the bedroom.After all, sleeping with someone is an act of trust.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, sex, women

No sex… the end of a relationship?

Some couples do experience periods of no sex. Because one of the partners is sick or hospitalized, sexual intercourses become impossible for them. It’s only temporary, and once the ill one is healed, it’s back to normal. It depends of course on how the illness affected the partner. If it’s a serious disease, it’s difficult to get back to normal.

People who suffer from depression are also not interested in sex anymore. But with the help of a therapy and/or medicines, they can get their mojo back.

But what if there is no sex anymore between two people who are not sick? A friend of mine told me he didn’t touch his ex-wife for almost two years before they ended up divorcing. “I had a burn out two years ago, and after I recovered, I didn’t want to touch her again” he said. “She put on weight over the last two years, and she didn’t take good care of herself. She was always complaining about her fragile health, but never took herself in charge. After my burn out, I saw her in a different light. And I didn’t fancy her anymore” he said.

My friend didn’t lose its sexual appetite. After his divorce, he called his old friends with benefits. Some of them accepted to be his friends with benefits again. And he said he had no problem touching them.

Another friend of mine thought her man was depressed because he didn’t touch her anymore. But she discovered recently he had a lover, and this was the reason why they didn’t have sex anymore.

Another one didn’t touch his wife for one year because his mariage was falling apart.  He avoided to be in the same room than her for almost two years, before he decided to call it quits. He didn’t have a mistress during this period, he just wanted to be alone, without his wife. So he spent a lot of time with his friends, his family, and stopped going on holidays with his wife. “I thought we could pass this bitterness, but I gave up” he said. He was mad at his wife because she had a reckless behavior. “She drank too much, even took drugs, and I had sometimes to fetch her at her friends’ place because she was unable to drive anymore. She crashed her car several times because of her problem with alcohol” he said. “I had enough to feel as if I was her father. It was maybe the reason why I didn’t touch her anymore” he added.

When you don’t feel any attraction to your significant other anymore, and especially, if there is no good medical reason for it, maybe it’s the sign the relationship has reached its end.

Unfortunately, we can be resentful towards our significant other. And this feeling can last, and put distance, physical distance with our partner.

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The sexual turnoff

Recently, a friend of mine told me she panicked when she discovered the man she was dating had a piercing on his penis. She said she managed to get out of his house and dumped him the next day. “I don’t even want to give it a try. That’s a definite no-no” she said.

She met him at a bar four weeks ago. He made her laugh, so she decided to have a date with him. He was ten years younger than her, and she said she wasn’t comfortable that much with his look, which was special. She said she should have stick to her first impression and left the guy alone. But she wanted to know him a little bit better.

I asked her if she told him what was bothering her. But she replied she doesn’t believe he would take it off just because she doesn’t want that inside of her.

Another friend of mine told me the same story. The woman he was dating had a piercing on her clitoris. She didn’t hide it from him. She tried to arouse him by telling him about this detail. But it made the exact opposite effect on my friend. He said the thought of sleeping with her completely turned him off. And so, he broke off with her.

In both cases, I can’t help thinking this is a bit shallow. We don’t break up for just a detail. Besides, people can get bored of their piercings and remove them. But my two friends were at a time where they just broke off with their long term partner. These were their rebound relationship.

What if they really like their pierced partner? I guess the only way in this situation is to communicate on this topic. You can say you’re afraid to get physically hurt by this. If the other person understands this, maybe it’s possible to find a compromise.

But to be fair with my friends, I must admit I would find it awkward too.

What would you do?

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celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, sex, thoughts, wacky, women

Post sex behaviors

It is said that women love to cuddle after sex, while men don’t. This is the result of the hormone we release after sex: the oxytocin. Men, on the other hand, release an hormone called prolactin, which makes them sleep or a bit numb for sometime.

This results in one scenario: the woman will get emotionally attached to her sexual partner, while he will feel nothing.

Well, maybe this is a general rule, but my two last experiences thought me that men can create a bond with their sexual partner, a protective one.

Once they have slept with a woman, men mark their territory. It’s not obvious just after sex, but it’s in their reaction afterwards. For instance, try this: go and have a lunch with your ex and see how he reacts. In practice, he will act very differently than your male friends, especially if you were the last woman he slept with. At the restaurant, he wouldn’t hesitate to eat in your plate if you don’t finish it. He would look jealous if the waiter flirts openly with you, and after the restaurant, he would offer to accompany you to your car/place just in case, and watch your steps when you walk (for instance, they will insist to walk on the side of the road to protect you).

He may feel nothing after sex, but his attraction for you doesn’t necessarily vanish afterwards.

Recently, I went to a barbecue where one of my friends invited everyone she knew. This included M., her coworker, and G., a male friend, who were constantly not very far from her during the barbecue, until they left. My friend had always denied she was sleeping with M. But she told me she did cross the line several times with G. “everytime she felt lonely“. When I was speaking to her, they could hear our conversation, and each  time she replied, they smiled, as if they remembered something she said.

I’m not sure women react the same way. But it’s true that our body has its own memory. And this is how you can feel a little strange kissing another guy or sleeping with him.

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Colder than the winter

Sex as a barometer of love? When I hear the stories around me about this topic, I realize that indeed, sex is really important. A friend of mine told me that prior to his divorce, he didn’t have sex with his wife over a year. They were fighting constantly and had severe trouble communicating with each other. There were also loads of  passive-aggressive behaviors between them. For instance, she gave away all his questions for his exams to his students. And he told me he needed to go on holidays alone, without her.

Another acquaintance told me she has trouble too in her sex life. It’s been seven months now her man refuses to touch her. They had a lot of fights too before he began to take his distance with her. And the fights were all about his lack of ambition. I guess her man felt diminished by her. It’s going to be hard to reverse this situation, I’m afraid.

What we say to each other can cause a lot of psychological damages hard to reverse. Apologizing afterwards is useless. For example, if you criticize him repeatedly about his looks, his performance in bed, his career, … this can really emasculate him. Besides, this is not the sign of a healthy relationship.

But what if there are already problems in the bedroom from the start?

P. was never really into it when it comes to sex. He was really sweet with me, but sex wasn’t that great. The first night we spent together, we talked and talked until we fell asleep. The second night, he was so stressed that after 5 minutes, it was already over. The next one, he needed to have several drinks to get into it. And so on” G., 32, said. She called it quits after eight months.

He needed to drink, to take stuffs, to watch porn, to light candles,… to have sex. Otherwise, he would fall asleep or play on his computer late in the night. He wasn’t that sensual” H., 36, recalls. Her ex is now living with a man.

If sex isn’t important for you, this shouldn’t be a problem. But maybe it’s worthwhile  to check if there’s nothing wrong in the bedroom.

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