broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, Those little things that kill us, thoughts, Uncategorized, wacky, women

Silent lucidity

Sometimes, it’s better to keep our mouth shut. But unfortunately, everyone of us can’t do this, and that’s how we can end up in an imbroglio and hurt people. Usually, as we grow old, we learn to remain silent when we should, and speak when we should too.

Keeping it quiet has also one advantage: at least, you’re not talking shit on someone else’s back. Many many times, I told myself not to say anything bad on the others, but I can’t help it, especially if I’m stimulated by my friends or my colleagues, or if I believe I’ve been taken as a fool. And I often get badly rewarded for that, as people always manage to know what I think about them, thanks to other people who simply tell them about what I said.

This flaw can cost you a lot of trouble, including in your love life. One of my friends experienced it once when she was invited at a party in her ex’s house. She told me she was discussing with two other women and the conversation slipped on gay couples. My friend said she didn’t mind about them, except that she couldn’t understand how a woman could enjoy another woman’s pussy and how it would be boring to sleep with another woman. The problem was that the two women she was chatting with were both lesbians, and got a bit offended by what she said. On top of that, one of the two was her ex’s sister, and he was infuriated by her offense against his sister, so she got dumped for that. This is a bit harsh for my friend, but you never know how susceptible people can be.

Another friend of mine told me he completely ruined a date with a wonderful lady just because he couldn’t shut up when he should have. “We were talking about politics, and I kept on making bad jokes about Nicolas Sarkozy and his new wife. I said to her I bet they would have a baby and a miscarriage just right after their marriage, and she looked at me as if I said an horror. Three days later, I learned by one of her friends she just suffered the trauma of a miscarriage. I did try to apologize to her, but she wouldn’t listen to me” he said. I told him that this is something you never say to a woman, it’s just horrible (yes, I’m also pissed by my friend right now…).

Censorship is a cancer, but yet, you can’t tell anything to anyone. Because we are sociable human beings, we have to deal with the others’ susceptibility. And there are topics you should never mention in front of everyone.

So, have you ever said something offending non intentionally to someone you like?

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broken heart, celibacy, humor, life, love, men, relationships, Those little things that kill us, thoughts, women

Window in the skies

Let’s start on a lighter note today.

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Yesterday, everyone of you couldn’t ignore it was April’s Fool Day. I learned that the New Kids of the Block are reuniting and going on tour. I still hope it isn’t true.

I mentioned in a previous post how men can age well with time, well, those dudes from that horrible band are a true exception to that.

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Then, I couldn’t stop giggling yesterday because my newspaper managed to catch a big fish with the joke we put in the headlines yesterday. Most of our readers did understand it wasn’t real, but the guy, a CEO of a big company and quite arrogant, just fell into the trap. He made a fool out of himself alone (with our little help) by calling all of his professional contacts to check what was going on, and just for that, we couldn’t stop laughing. 👿

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More seriously, I also read yesterday the sad story of a father struggling to get a contact with his son, who’s been kept away in Kenya by his ex-wife. Love and hate are opposite feelings, yet so close and so similar.

When it’s over, some of us can’t accept the situation and start to hate their ex. It’s not a good solution, because as long as you keep hating him/her, it just means that he/she’s not out of your head, and that you still try to have a connection with your ex. “He dumped me for another woman, and it took me some times to get over the break up. I was so angry and jealous afterwards that I couldn’t focus on anything else, including turning the page. I called him many times and hung up as soon as he picked up the phone, I waited in front of his apartment just to see if he was with her, I spied on him. I was pathetic. I hated him, but I hated myself even more for turning into such a fool. A friend of mine helped me realise I was going in the wrong direction, and that I should focus on myself to try to forget about him”P., 35, said.

Some of us can’t let it go and decide that because he/she didn’t want us anymore, he/she will regret dumping us. That’s why they choose to revenge on their ex. There are some sweet revenge that just help you to turn the page for good, but for some people, it doesn’t stop there. They want basically to ruin their ex’s life, like the mother living in Kenya mentioned above.

So, do you yield to hate when it’s over? And how was April’s Fool Day?

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celibacy, life, love, men, miscellaneous, relationships, Those little things that kill us, thoughts, wacky, women

Sick of it all

Some of you have probably heard this news about those topless Swedish women protesting against swim wear rules. In my newsroom, all the male (and hetero) journalists want to pay a visit to Sweden now because of that. More seriously, these women wanted to make sure women aren’t subjected to sexual harassment anymore. By going bare breasts, they think this part of our body would lose its erotical power on men. I can understand their point of view, but don’t they think this is a little bit too radical?

By doing this, it’s a little bit like desacralizing the female body. Whether they like it or not, we use our body as a weapon of seduction for the others, and we’re sad when this fades with age. If they really want to do this, maybe they should just let themselves go physically. There’s nothing worse for attracting or keeping a man. Some women I’ve met told me about the error they made by doing so. “I lived with my ex for seven years, and in the end of our relationship, we really had no intimacy for each other. I would let the door open when I had to go to the bathroom, just hang over in my old pajama pants or some worn out clothes during the weekend while he would stay in his old boxer and stained t-shirt. We didn’t mind farting or burping in front of each other. He scratched his balls in front of me, while I was busy bursting my facial spots. One day, we realized we had no desire at all for each other, and we decided to call it quits” L., 31, said.

“When I was living with my ex, I didn’t watch at all my weight and just ate whatever I wanted. I overindulged myself with Ben & Jerry’s ice cream, cookies, muffins, and chips, and did no exercise to eliminate all this. At the end of our relationship, I weighted twenty pounds more than when we started dating. But I wasn’t like those fat women who are really beautiful because their thickness is mostly located in their ass and their boobs. My fat was more on my thighs and my waist, I was really ugly and I had lost a little bit of self-esteem. Now, I’ve lost those excess pounds and I try to never let myself go like that again” P., 34, said.

“I would hang over with my old clothes, without being shaved or combed during the week-end, while he just let his beard grow and stood also in his old clothes, sometimes for three or four days in a row. We had no privacy for each other. And we got caught in a routine that eventually frightened both of us” N., 29.

When you date someone for the first time, you usually try to present him/her the best part of you. So, why would that change once you’re in a relationship? Of course, letting you self degradating isn’t the only explanation for a break up, but it certainly plays a role in it?

So, what flaws/ bad attitudes do you accept (tolerate) in your partner?

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blogging, broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, miscellaneous, rant, sex, Those little things that kill us, thoughts, women

I’ve got you under my skin

In some european countries, there’s a huge debate again on abortion. Countries like France make it more and more difficult for women to abort because either the period where you could pretend to have such an intervention is short either more and more gyno simply refuse to do this, for ethical reasons or by religious choice. What a friend of mine, who’s an MD, told me about this phenomenon is quite astonishing. She said that it’s difficult for a gyno to see a woman coming in her/his office with such a request, because you cannot avoid judging her even if your profession urges you not to do so. She also explained that some women’s behaviour against birth control just makes her react. “I’ve seen some women who have already gone through abortion coming again in my office to ask me for another one. I have to tell them to be more careful with their contraceptive methods, but for some of them, you could already predict they will pay you a visit sooner or later again because they didn’t take too much precaution when having sex” she said.

Abortion is one consequence of not protecting yourself when you have sex (with a condom, of course), but not using that little piece of rubber has also other terrible aftermaths. Curing AIDS is now well developed, but you can’t heal from this disease yet. And there are also a lot of STDs around like hepatite, herpes,… I’m simply appalled to know there are so many contraceptive methods on the market, but not used as much as they should.

I’ll make a clear distinction here between birth control and avoiding STDs. The pill, patch, vaginal ring belong to the category of hormonal methods. It protects you from having a baby, but not against STDs. Cervical barriers don’t either. Condoms (male and female) do. You only use the first and second category when you know that your partner (and you) are HIV negative. When you meet for the first time in bed, condoms should always be in the party.

But when you ask people why they don’t follow these simple rules, it’s just appalling. “I just got caught up in the heat of the action. Asking him if he had a condom with him was like interrupting the moment” said a lucky lady who didn’t catch (yet) an STD. “I just forgot in the heat of the action” K.,30, said. “I always hesitate to ask him about that”L., 32, said. “I feel like a slut if I ask about that” P.,28, said.

And gentlemen, you’re also responsible. I’ll take my personal example for a change on this. Most of my exes ( I don’t have many, mind you) asked me if I took the pill the first time we got intimate. And I know I’m not the only one in that case. “He just felt relieved when I told him I took the pill” explained L.,31. “He got mad at me because I didn’t take the pill. But I had been for a long time single, and I didn’t need to take any contraceptive methods during this long period” O., 30, said.

It’s difficult to tell the guy you really like to put a condom on. But if he refuses, you shouldn’t yield to his pressure. But if you’re suicidal, or just live for danger, then go for it.

So, is a sexual partner refusing to use a protection like condoms a total turn off for you?

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blogging, life, men, reflexion, relationships, Those little things that kill us

A sort of homecoming

I spent the last three days in the rainy London for work and didn’t expect much of it. Lately, I’ve been going through a period of doubt about my work, not because I’m tired of journalism, but because of all the problems surrounding my media recently. It comes to a point where I wonder if I will be still doing this in the coming years, because  it’s turning more and more into different shades of grey and I feel I’m losing my motivation.

Meeting strangers is sometimes surprisingly helpful when you’re down. Especially when they know what you’re going through and have experienced the same situation. Talking to the other journalists about it was a kind of relief for me.   I realized I still love what I do, but have focused too much on details that had an negative impact on me.  These details won’t disappear, however, but I need to refocus on my work.  I start to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Have you ever seek advice from strangers like that ? And why it is so easy to confide to strangers rather than your friends and family ?

On a lighter note, I was waiting for my train back to home when I saw this French tennis player, who got eliminated from the quarter finals of this tournament. Gosh, I never really looked at him but he’s really good-looking in real life. This brightened my day.

And also, I was packing on my provision of junk food for the travel, and I remarked this I couldn’t stop laughing and everyone around me  looked at me like if I was crazy.  No comment…

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life, love, men, relationships, Those little things that kill us, women

I’m not your mother, nor the police

I watched a curious live domestic fight this morning at the office. As two of my colleagues live together, sometimes, they bring a little bit of their intimacy at work.  Today, they were fighting – or, to be precised, madam was mad at her man, because he partied all night long and came back early in the morning completely drunk. I understood that he called her several times during the night to ask her if she could fetch him at the pub.  The problem was that the multiple phone calls woke up their babies, who kept on crying during the night.  So, I let you imagine how pissed off was my colleague this morning.

I went once to lunch with her and she explained that in her house, there were three kids and the biggest one was working with us.  I felt so sorry for her. She also told me she had the impression she has to do the police every time with her partner, and that she felt sometimes like mothering him.

I remember once having a discussion over that matter with some friends of mine. One of them told me that we have no choice but to mother men because they’re more immature than us.  I told her that this is exactly why I left my previous partner. I felt like I was mothering him.  He was constantly relying on my advices and couldn’t take a decision on his own.  One of my friend said on the contrary she liked this impression of having control of everything.

Besides, I realised that having to babysit your partner has a lot to do with his age. My two colleagues are both 33,  my friend who’s involved into that same kind of relationship is 34 and so is her partner.  It’s even “worse” when your partner is younger than you.

So, that would mean this phenomenon disappears if you pick an older guy ? Yes, but there’s another problem. V., 28, is currently dating a 52 year-old man.  She said he always told her what to do and what to wear, but she doesn’t mind.

What’s best then ?  Well, it depends a lot on our character. Personally, I don’t want either of those two categories. I prefer when he’s independent.

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life, love, reflexion, relationships, Those little things that kill us, women

Jealous, me ?

Among the little things that can poison a relationship, there’s jealousy. When you or your partner are too jealous, it becomes difficult to handle. We all have or know people in our entourage who are stuck in a relationship like that.

First, let’s look at how jealousy shows. A friend of mine explained he had to dump her lady because she was constantly spying him, reading his e-mails, listening to his conversation on the phone,…. She would make a scene everytime he just looked at other women in a non concuspicious way. A, 32, can’t go anywhere without her man because he doesn’t want to. He doesn’t want A. to speak to other men. He doesn’t want A. to wear mini-skirts, big cleavage and other “provoking ” clothes.

Why do we act like that? Because we’re afraid to lose our partner. But I’ve noticed that some people who are afraid to lose their partner don’t necessarily  accept to receive the same treatment for her partner. T, 29, told me that her man doesn’t appreciate when she sees her male friends, but when she complained about him watching other ladies all the time ( and not just the white in their eyes…) , he gets mad.

One of my friend explained that when she falls in love, she’s jealous of the other girls. But when she ‘s into a serious relationship with the guy, her jealousy just fades away. Because she have learned to trust her partner.  She’s right: if we trust our partner, and if he/ she trusts us, we don’t have to be jealous. Of course, if a woman starts to turn around your man, you can intervene and tell her to go away.  Personally, I appreciate when my man intervenes to tell the guy who’s turning around me to find another prey, or when he’s a little worried  if I speak to a very handsome man. It prouves that he cares for me.

We won’t appreciate if  our partner couldn’ t care less about us and show not an ounce of jealousy, don’t we?

Second, let’s see if it’s possible to heal from jealousy. E., 31, explained that she had a problem trusting her man. He realized it and let her read all his mail, listen to all his messages, search in his agenda,… until she discovered he had nothing to hide from her.   Since then, she trusts her man eyes wide shut. F., 28, explained she started imitating her man. If he spends hours at the gym surrounded by women, she would do the same, in a gym full of men.  If he sees his best friend, a beautiful young lady, she would do the same with one of her male friends ( and not the uglyiest one). By doing this, she said she learned to understand him a little more, and it has healed her jealousy.

Jealousy can be a good thing too. If we do nothing to seduce him, hanging around in pyjamas at home, wearing old clothes all the time, we don’t have to wonder why he likes to look at other women who care much about themselves. If  you care for him, you have to care for yourself too.

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celibacy, life, love, relationships, Those little things that kill us, women

Are we becoming too selfish ?

In our modern world, the search for happiness and personal development is becoming more and more important. Look at the multiple books of self-help in libraries. Before, for women, finding the man of her dreams and starting with him a family was the sole and ultimate goal. But now, since women have emancipated themselves, things have changed a lot. Before, many women used to stay at home watching the kids and the house, but now, housewives become more and more of an exception, because many women work like their men.

Because we work, we put on our shoulders a little more pressure we need to evacuate. We use various activities for that. It can be sports, but also knitting, shopping, chatting with our girlfriends, … As a result, we become more and more independent. And also more selfish.

This would explain why divorces are multiplying everywhere. And why we divorce earlier too. Around me, I have many examples of women in their thirties who already got divorced once. St., a 32 year-old nurse, divorced one year ago from her husband. They got married when, at 22, they just finished their studies. “At that time, I thought this marriage would last forever. But I was young and naive, and I’ve changed since then. I’ve realized I had nothing in common with my man anymore, so it was obvious we needed to divorce” she explained. C., a 33 year-old journalist, divorced six months ago from her man. She took the custody of their daughter. “I’ve evolved since we got married, six years ago. And I had the feeling he was interfering with my personal goals” she said.

Interfering with our goals ? T., a 31 year-old analyst, explained that her man was kind of jealous of her career. “I was spending a lot of time at work because I have to. But he wouldn’t understand why I was working so late, and also that I’m passionate about what I’m doing. He said I would be a bad mother if I had kids, because they will never see their mommy. So he asked me to quit my job, but for me, it was no way.  I know it is sad to have to choose between your man and your job, but if he’s no comprehensive, you have no choice” she said.

How sad it is. Does it mean we don’t know the word compromise anymore ?

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life, love, relationships, Those little things that kill us, women

Geisha style

 

In a relationship, the question of money always surfaces. We all have to deal with it. For some couples, it’s established that Mr. pays all the bills. For others, they just share the bills. Mr. manages his own money and Madam manages her own.

I see many couples now opening a common account which serves only to pay invoices for electricity, water, garbage, … and the food. For the rest of their personal spendings, they keep a separate account, so Madam can enjoy her shopping spree without getting criticized ( well, that depends) by her man. Usually, they choose to determine an amount they deposit monthly on their common account.

But there are also lots of couples where Mr. and Mrs. have a common account which serves for all their spendings.  This is generally a source of problem when one member of the couple is more extravagant than the other.  I don’t blame women in particular for being more extravagant than men, because I know men who are particularly spendthrift. But I would like to make a point on a certain type of women who have absolutely no problem living like a geisha, maintained by their man.

When I was studying in university, I remember that some female students  went from bar to bar and party to party to find a student in those two disciplines: medicine and engineery.  One of them told me at that time she was just such a waste for her parents that her mother asked her to find an MD to marry her. She ‘s now married with a dentist, and a housewife with three kids. She’s  kind of enjoying her life, and spends without any remorse her husband’s earnings. A bit like Gabrielle Solis in Desperate housewives, but without the gardener/lover and with three kids.

When these kinds of couples divorce, it’s always a drama because suddenly, Madam ended up with no financial resources ( she never worked in her life) . But, luckily for her, there’s spousal support (if her ex-husband decides to pay and doesn’t disappear into nature) .

Since I’m quite independant, I ‘ve always wondered how these women  can depend on their man like that. 

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