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Cheating, with your partner’s agreement

If your significant gives you his/her blessing to have an affair, will you accept it? Emile Zola, a famous French writer, was married when he fell in love with a woman much younger than him. But he didn’t leave his wife. Instead, he made an agreement with his wife and his mistress. Both knew each other’s existence. His wife even recognized the mistress’s children as Zola sons.

Recently, a friend of mine told me her significant other told her to find a lover, but to avoid to let her know about it. My friend is torn between guilt and excitement about this. She says she can’t be unfaithful to her significant other. But she admits it’s been two years her sexual life is non existent because her significant other is sick. Her partner is almost twelve years older than her.As we grow old, unfortunately, our health declines.  My friend admits she would like to have sex with someone she wouldn’t have to see afterwards. In other words, she wants a one night stand. It’s possible for her to find what she wants. Although she recognizes it’s very risky.

But is it still considered cheating when your partner gives you his/her approval?

Besides, we’re jealous animals. And jealousy is a poison for every relationship.

Another friend of mine told me she asked her significant other to find a lover when she was sick. My friend has endometriosis, a disease that affects one woman out of ten. She has been through several surgical operations and premature menopause during long years. She told me she felt exhausted most of the time. And she felt bad for her partner. But her significant other has stuck to her during those times. And now, she’s about to give birth to a lovely little girl. I told her he did the right thing. Because if he were emotionally absent during her difficult times, he wouldn’t have been at her side.

For many people, infidelity is a way out of a relationship.

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Invisible next to you

Recently, one of my friends told me he doesn’t want to be accompanied anymore to all the cocktail parties and official dinners he’s invited. My friend is a star in science. Every time he arrives in a room, everyone looks at him and wants to talk to him. When we go out together just for a walk, we’re always interrupted by people who want to talk to him. He’s not a star like Stromae or Justin Bieber, who can’t go out without provoking hysteria and lots of people who want to have a selfie, a picture, or a chat with them. But he’s not like me, who can walk in a park or an exhibition without being interrupted. 

Many women he dated had difficulty to stand next to him. One of his ex was even passive-aggressive with him. One of his ex was jealous of his success, and tried anything to bring him down. I was appalled by her behavior. I warned my friend she was mean with him. I asked him why he needs to be accompanied to his cocktail parties and official dinners. He didn’t reply, but I understand it’s important in high society to be plus one. In many people magazines, famous people are always accompanied by their plus one, usually the spouse.

I do understand his ex, though. Because it’s difficult to be the plus one of your significant other in official parties. In the film “The wife”, the character played by Glenn Close is shocked by her husband’s behavior during their stay in Stockholm. Joe Castleman says to his interlocutor his wife is bad at writing. People barely talk to her and are focused on her husband, who won the Nobel Prize of Literature.

It’s different from the experience I have with company parties. Usually, everyone knows each other during those parties, and with time, I’ve been introduced to every significant other of my coworkers. It was the same with my ex’s company parties. Usually, my coworkers stand next to their significant other all the time and don’t leave him/her alone. I only saw one exception once with my former boss and his wife. His wife was left alone at the bar while he was talking to everyone in the room. She always looked pissed. He never introduced her to us. I’ve never talked to her. I guess she has a difficulty to be next to him at official parties. 

So, what’s your behavior with your significant other during parties?

 

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The Gossip

Yesterday, I learned the latest gossip inside my company. Two of my coworkers have started to date each other. They are very discrete because they are never together. I haven’t seen them together at the coffee machine, the mess or at the restaurant below my office where my other coworkers often meet. They arrived separately during our last Christmas party and left separately. She left very early while he was still there when I left. She even told me she loved me before leaving, much to my stupor.

She’s only 24. But she’s very beautiful. He’s 36, divorced, with two children.

She made the error to tell everything to one of my coworkers who can’t keep a secret. He have told everything to several of my coworkers since then. And it arrived to my ears.

Her lover was very mum on the other hand.

Luckily, he’s not his boss. But he has a greater list of contacts than her and knows every boss in my sector. He’s even friend with my former CEO.

But maybe she’s after his.

In other companies, they would be forced to reveal their relationship but it’s not the case in mine.

Love at work is very common nowadays. It happens.

But I’ve noticed the youngest women have much success than the older ones. In my company, there are many women who are single. Yet, he chooses the youngest one.

He could have chosen his coworker, who’s 41, divorced like him. I feel bad for her.

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A murder

Recently, one of my friends brother passed away. He was only 35. He was murdered. He didn’t do anything wrong. He was at the worst place at the worst moment.

He was in love with a woman who was under threaten. Her ex didn’t cope with the break up, and wanted to kill her. My friend’s brother tried to protect her, but it wasn’t enough.

Last week, he was with her at his apartment, when her ex banged on the door. The ex found out his address because he knew some of his friends. He lied to them to get what he wanted.

My friend’s brother wanted to scare him, because he was strong. He used to lift weights. But it wasn’t enough. His murderer hit him with a knife by surprise, several times. He was stopped by three neighbors who heard the noise and called the police. In the ambulance, my friend’s brother passed away.

My friend is shocked for the moment, and doesn’t want to talk about it. I do understand.

But you never know all of the stories from your significant other. The past is difficult sometimes to reveal, especially when you were betrayed.

My friend said his brother never talked to him about his girlfriend’s past. He didn’t know how perturbed was her ex.

I don’t know if it would change the situation if he knew.

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The 2018 review

So, this year is almost at its end. Like all the years before, it’s my review of the year. Feel free to use the same questions.

1. What did you do in 2018 that you’d never done before? 

Gathering all of my friends for my birthday, who never met each other before.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?  

I don’t make new year’s resolutions. I just change a bit of my habits during the year.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Yes.

4. Did anyone close to you die?  No.

5. What countries did you visit?  Croatia, UK, France, the Netherlands

6. What would you like to have in 2019 that you lacked in 2018?  a significant other

7. What dates from 2018 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

14 february: For once, I had a good Valentine’s day

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?  Gaining maturity

9. What was your biggest failure? The end of my blog (not this one though). And David.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Yes.

11. What was the best thing you bought? Clothes.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Cecilia Djunga, a TV presentator, who stands against racists.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Donald Trump.

14. Where did most of your money go? housing and car.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Gathering all of my friends. And organizing my birthday.

16. What song will always remind you of 2018?

Thank u, next- Ariana Grande
17. Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c) richer or poorer?

Sadder. A little bit thinner. Richer.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Traveling more.

Seeing more exhibitions.

Going to lectures and the opera.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Spending time to wait for people who don’t give a damn about me.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

With my family.

21. Did you fall in love in 2018?

No

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? Yes

24. What was the best book you read?  

La confiance – Charles Pepin

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?  Chvrches

26. What did you want and get?  reconciling with one of my friends

27. What did you want and not get? A meaningful relationship.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?  

Three Billboards

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

Drinking champagne!

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?   Luck in love

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2016?

Flowers, flowers, flowers. And black, black, black.

32. What kept you sane? My friends and family.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? 

No inspiration this year.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?  The Brexit

35. Who did you miss? C., but I’ll move on.

36. Who was the best new person you met? Walt

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2018. People don’t change, but we can adjust to them

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year

Wasn’t it gonna be fun and wasn’t it gonna be new?
Wasn’t it gonna be different and wasn’t it gonna be true?
Didn’t you say that? Didn’t you say that?
Didn’t you say that? Didn’t you say that?

Weren’t you gonna be sorry and weren’t you gonna be pure?
Weren’t we gonna be honest and weren’t we gonna be more?
Didn’t you say that? Didn’t you say that?
Didn’t you say that? Didn’t you say that?

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Instalove

Is it possible to fall in love with one of your followers on Instragram? Yes. The most popular example is Ricky Martin, who fell in love with a painter who follows him on Instagram . He followed him back and started to like each other posts. But it can also happen between people who aren’t popular. Recently, one of my friends told me her cousin is currently in a relationship with an actor she met on Instagram. My friend was appalled when she told me that. “They met each other one year ago on that social media. He started to follow her on Instagram and she followed him back. My cousin is very active on that app. She posts a lot of her pictures where she poses as if she was a famous model. But she isn’t one. She never made it on a runway or in a magazine. Yet, she manages to collect followers, because her pictures are very professional. And she travels a lot. It helps her to have something to post. That’s how she managed to catch her significant other ‘s attention ” my friend says.

“But so far, they have only met in real life once, during one month. She traveled to his country to meet him. Because they don’t live in the same country. Since then, they have posted pictures together, and she has gained a lot of new followers because her man is quite known in his country. He plays one important role in a soap opera very popular there” she adds.

In other words, my friend ‘s cousin is currently in a long distance relationship. Instagram was just a way to meet her significant other. My friend isn’t optimistic for her relationship. “My cousin did long studies and earn a high position in her company. I can’t see her quit her life to be with him. And I don’t see him quitting his acting profession to come here and stand next to her” she says. But maybe they will find a solution.

That’s the problem with Instagram. It connects people globally.

Yet, on Tinder, I notices some profiles linked to their Instagram account. I don’t know if this is helpful to have a date. Usually, men post insignificant pictures on Instagram and they are not very active. It’s difficult to stand out, unless you’re an artist.

So, it’s very particular to find your significant other on Instagram.

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Status

A while ago, I went to a date where the guy asked me if I was a chief in my company. I was shocked by his question because I thought he will reject me if I answered a negative sentence. But I told him the truth. And he never contacted me after our date. During our date, he also told me he collects art, and attends every art fair in my country. He mentioned one I often attend but never buy anything there because it’s too expensive for me. But he said he buys there one or two paintings every year.

I guess he was looking for a rich woman who leads a company. I’m not like that.

So, men have a precise idea of the woman who will share their existence. It depends on their values. On Tinder, I saw one guy who said in his profile he doesn’t want tattooed women. And who are not the queen of parties.

One of my friends always complains to me women are not attracted to him because he’s just a computer programmer. He says women are attracted by MD or architects. In fact, I only met once a woman who was looking for a MD. Most of my female friends are married either to their high school sweetheart or to someone they met regularly at the gym, at work, or during their hobbies. None of their husband is a MD nor an architect. In fact, architects marry architects and MD marry MD. Most of the time. Birds of a feather always fly together.

But my friend is also very picky with women he met.

I think we all look for someone who is compatible with us. That means someone who shares some common points and values with us. It could be the love of bicycles, bikes, money, loyalty, kindness, cinema, dance, …

Unfortunately, there are also people who are not with the best intentions. Narcissistic people will look for a victim. Greedy and shallow people will look for rich people to have a golden existence, even if they’re not rich. There are crooks in love.

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Hard to love

“I’d rather be hard to love than easy to leave”

Some people are not easy to love. Sometimes, it’s because they are afraid to be disappointed or betrayed, so they keep a distance with every person who tries to have a relationship with them. They were betrayed in the past from an ex lover. And their heart is just locked. Chat échaudé craint l’eau chaude, we says in French. Sometimes it’s because they’re emotionally unavailable. People who are emotionally unavailable are either married, in another relationship, a star, or narcissistic, depressed, or have a child trauma. But even if they are emotionally unavailable, they still want to be loved.

When we try to have a relationship with someone who is hard to love, we can feel a lot of frustrations, because our significant other can be distant with us. They can be afraid of our attempts to be closer with them, either physically or emotionally. You tell them you love them, and they don’t answer or just disappear. You touch them and they back off.

Some people are fine like that. Because they are also avoidant. But if you are anxious, it can be difficult to bear. Unfortunately, people with anxious attachment are often attracted to people with avoidant attachment. It’s a toxic relationship because the anxious one will pursue the avoidant with the fear of losing them. While the avoidant will only pull away.

So, how could we love someone with avoidant attachment? Space is the sole answer. Live your own independent life. But you risk to take your heart and walk away.

Common sense would be to stay away from people who are emotionally unstable. Especially if you need to feel loved. But the heart sometimes wants something impossible.

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The Year Review


 

So, this year is almost at its end. Like all the years before, it’s my review of the year. Feel free to use the same questions.

1. What did you do in 2016 that you’d never done before? 

A filmed interview, where I was one of the interviewers, in London.

Versailles.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?  

Yes. Not more in 2017, but different resolutions.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Yes.

4. Did anyone close to you die?  Yes.

5. What countries did you visit?  Spain, The Netherlands, France, Italy, Great Britain, Hungary, Austria

6. What would you like to have in 2017 that you lacked in 2016? Peace

7. What dates from 2016 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

March 22: Horrible day for my country. Heartbreaking.

November 29: Placebo

img_1922

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?  Gaining maturity

9. What was your biggest failure? It’s not failure, but rejections hurt.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Yes.

11. What was the best thing you bought? Clothes.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Jennifer Aniston, and all the other Hollywood actresses who stood against misogyny.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? extremists of all kinds.

14. Where did most of your money go? travels.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Concerts!

16. What song will always remind you of 2016?

Dang – MacMiller & Anderson Paak
17. Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c) richer or poorer?

Happier. Neither thinner nor fatter. Poorer.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Being more able to defend myself against critics.

Accepting more invitations.

Traveling more.

Seeing more exhibitions.

Going to lectures and the opera.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Spending time to wait for people who don’t give a damn about me.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

With my family.

21. Did you fall in love in 2016?

Yes.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? No

24. What was the best book you read?  

Presence- Amy Cuddy

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?  Ibrahim Maalouf

26. What did you want and get?  Recognition for my work

27. What did you want and not get? A relationship.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?  

Paterson – Jim Jarmusch

 

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I had a car accident. No one was hurt, thankfully.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?   Luck in love

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2016?

Pop the colours…

32. What kept you sane? My friends and family.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? 

Gaspard Koening

34. What political issue stirred you the most?  The US elections.

35. Who did you miss? T., but I’ll move on.

36. Who was the best new person you met? S.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2016. You can’t force people to love you.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

Didn’t we have fun?
Don’t say it was all a waste

😉

Happy Holidays

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, Uncategorized

Refriend an ex on Facebook

WillYouBeMyFriend

Is it wise to refriend an  ex you unfriended on Facebook and other social media? This is a difficult question. The one question is why you had to unfriend your ex. Many people who unfriended their ex on Facebook said they had no choice because it hurt them to see how happy their ex was without them. It was a difficult choice because they knew if they kept their ex friends on social media, they will stare at their profile a lot. It doesn’t help to move on and forget about your ex, unfortunately.

In real life, unless you work in the same company or live very close to your ex, you don’t have this ability to stare at your ex’s life. If you live very close to your ex, or work in the same company than your ex, you can always take some time off very far away. One of my friends, who had difficulty to forget his ex, took three months to travel Asia and turned off his phone except for calling his family once in while.  His ex lived only 500 meters from him, and he kept bumping on her in the shopping mall next to their place or only when he was grocery shopping. Three months weren’t not enough for him to forget about her. But it helped him to forget a bit about her, because his travel was a real journey and gave him a new perspective on life. When he came back to his home, he changed his way of living, and it helped him to avoid his ex, who met someone else during his time away.

Facebook doesn’t allow to do this. Yes, there’s an option called unfollow, which prevents you to see what your ex publishes or likes on Facebook. But it’s not enough as I experienced. Because if his new ho  lover tagged him on Facebook while they are holding each other in their arms, or while they looked happy together, you can see that picture, unfortunately. There’s the option of blocking that person. Once you do that, that person can’t contact you anymore. But you can always see that person if your common friends tagged him/her on a picture or a comment. But if you block someone on Facebook,  and change your mind afterwards, you will have to refriend that person. As if you unfriended that person before.

So, why do we need to refriend our ex on Facebook? A first explanation is when your ex does ask you why you unfriended him/her and asks you to refriend him/her. It depends if your ex asked you that in Messenger or another app, or over SMS or email. If you ex asked you that over a coffee or a drink because he/she wanted to talk to you and you accepted to meet in real life, well, you can feel the pressure to do refriend  him/her. Sometimes, communication helps to ease resentful thoughts.  Sometimes, we need to be comforted our ex won’t do us harm, even on Facebook. But if your ex is a pervert and try to use your informations you post on Facebook against you, you should stay unfriended. A friend of mine told me her ex took pictures of her while she was in the shower, and threatens to publish those pictures on Facebook. In that case, yes, it’s necessary to block that a*** and to unfriend him.  And even sue him.

I guess there’s a good reason why you unfriended your ex on Facebook. Even if your ex asked you to refriend him/her, if there’s a good reason you unfriend him/her, it’s wise to stick to your decision.

But what if your ex didn’t notice you unfriend him/her? Or doesn’t react to that? There is no rule. Refriend him/her if you want to. But bear in mind your ex can move on, even marry someone else, start a family, … Do you really want to see that?  Your ex can also live a better life than you, even if it’s just seemingly. Do you really want to see that?

On the other hand, your ex also have a glance on your life thanks to Facebook. He/she can see you have moved on too. Nothing prevents you from living your own life, discover new passions, new hobbies, meet new people, have a good time with your friends,… and publish that on Facebook. That’s the best revenge you can have on your ex.

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