love, relationships, thoughts, women

Villains

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Why are we sometimes attracted to jerks who are mean with us?

One of my friends is always attracted to mean women. I told him many times he’s masochist because he’s chosen the same type of women over and over again. His ex was very dominant, and couldn’t help belittle him in front of other people. My friend told me she said he was not clever in front of his friends at a garden party. His other friends also warned him she was very mean with him. Yet, he pursued a relationship over four years with her. She was the one who ended the relationship. She left him for another man.

His new relationship isn’t going well either because his new woman is also mean with him. “Intellectually,  this relationship is interesting” he told me.”I take it day after after. We’ll see” he added. 

Robert Sutton, a professor of management at Stanford university, defines as asshole a person who lowers, exhausts and fails to respect other people.

Yet, despite this negative definition, people are attracted to assholes. Nice people (defined as person who are kind and respect other people) are sometimes perceived as annoying.

It’s particular true in the professional work. Although assholes don’t last forever in their company. In a newsroom close to mine, the editor in chief was pushed to the exit after 15 journalists complained about his bullying behavior. But he was chosen over other people to be the editor in chief  four years ago. He was perceived as a good leader.

“Villains are always picked as leader of a group or a team. Managers don’t want nice people as leaders” says one of my friends.

Maybe assholes are picked because they are sometimes very clever and understand what people need. Maybe the reason is because they are generally in a very high position in society. In other words, they are attractive. That’s why people find excuses to their disrespectful behavior. My friend’s current significant other is a well known public personality. I guess he has an important place for celebrities and the access to their world over values like respect.

All in all, it depends on your own values. If you don’t want respect and kindness,  but prefers “intellectually interesting people”, there is a good chance you will end with an asshole or a villain.

 

 

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celibacy, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Why aren’t you married?

EMMA WATSON DEC19Recently, one of my coworkers told me she was shocked by what her therapist said to her.”You cannot grow old alone” her therapist told her, because my coworker told her she was happy to be single.

While it’s true that you’re better off alone than in bad company, being single over a long period can be difficult too. But I guess it depends on your personality.  Among writers, Louisa May Alcott, the novelist behind “Little women”, was never married. It’s an exception.

Among the people I know, there are also unmarried people who live with their significant other. They have never got married despite a long time together. One of my friends has been with the same man for over 23 years now. They have never got married, even if they have a child together. Another friend of mine isn’t married to his significant other, who is expecting their first child. He’s convinced marriage is a question of tax, as this taxation encourages married couple over those who are not married.

There are some people who are not married and not in a relationship. But they were previously in a relationship that turned sour in the end. One of my friends left her abusive ex and hasn’t found any stable relationship since then. Another one has been in several long-term relationships, over 2 years, but has never settles so far. They are both in a transition period of celibacy.

Some people are also single because they are in a relationship with someone who isn’t available. Either because they are married to another person, or are just not interested in a serious relationship.

My coworker didn’t say if she was just single, or in transition period of celibacy.

There is also a pride about being single nowadays, especially for women. Some celebrities like Emma Watson are proud to be “self-partnered” .

The hashtag #selfpartnered is also gaining popularity on social medias like instagram.

It’s a trend among millenials. I guess when you’re young, you don’t want to ruin all the possibilities you have.

My coworker is also a millenial. Maybe that’s why she was shocked by her therapist.

 

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life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Living apart together (LAT)

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Gwyneth Paltrow and her husband, Brad Falchuk, don’t live together all of the time. She said they live apart three days per week, and together four days per week. Kaley Cuoco and her husband,  Karl Cook, don’ t live together every single day. But they plan to move together once their house is built. I also read Gwyneth Paltrow and her husband plan to move together.

One of my friends, who’s single, says he doesn’t want to live with his significant other all of the time. Because he needs some space.  His cousin doesn’t live with her husband every single day, because he has an apartment in a town where he’s a professor during the week. He only lives with her during the weekends and during his holidays. So far, their marriage is strong. They’ve been married for 20 years now. They are living apart together.

There are many reasons why we don’t live all of the time with our spouse/significant other. In my country, the law forbids married people to live apart, but in real life, there are married people who don’t live together all of the time. One of my acquaintances works in another country, not very far from our country. But his wife works in our country. So during four days of the week, he lives alone in a little apartment they bought together, while she lives in their house with their three children. One of my coworkers is married to a man who often travels around the world. He’s not always home because of that. Sometimes, he’s away for three weeks.

It takes a lot of trust to live apart from our significant other. Yet, some people find some agreements especially when we fall in love late in our life. Recently, one of my coworkers told me he interviewed one of our former ministers. He was surprised she told him her significant other just lives in the apartment next to hers, on the same floor. “Every one of us needs our space” she said. So, they agree not to live with each other. But they live very near to each other. When my coworker ended his interview, her significant other entered the room and went to the kitchen to have a coffee. “He’s always welcome here, of course” she told him. My coworker, who’s married, admits he doesn’t understand this.

Does distance (some of it) keep the flame of love alive? There’s always the risk to grow apart from our significant other.

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life, thoughts, women

The intermediate

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In the scandal around Jeffrey Epstein, there are suspicions around the role of his ex-lover, Ghislaine Maxwell. Some people accuse her of  being his Madam, recruiting young women to perform massage etc to Jeffrey Epstein and his male friends. It reminds me of another case, the Edouard Stern’s case. He was a banker who was murdered by his ex-lover. He was found with four bullets in his body, two in the heads, while he was wearing a latex suit. His ex-lover and him used to play sexual games where she was often asked to recruit extra people.

I had an ex who asked me to bring men I meet in my gym class to him.I refused.  Because on one hand, I didn’t want to disrupt my peace when I’m going to the gym. I feel carefree when I’m going there. I don’t want it to change because of some guys, who live nearby the gym and in my neighborhood. A bad reputation is easy to learn and difficult to get rid of. In another hand, I don’t feel very seducing. Even if I was single, I couldn’t go and flirt with random strangers in the street or at a party,…. In another word, it screamed “no” in my head. And the relationship ended it there.

Why some people, often women, end up being recruiting people to please their partner’s sexual needs/phantasms? In the case of Maxmell, she seemed to accommodate this for the fabulous life she lived with Jeffrey Epstein, who was rich.  Until she had enough. In the case of Brossard, Edouard Stein’s ex-lover, she was also attached to him in a toxic way. It didn’t end well.

I don’t know if these agreements in relationship are sustainable on the long run. I just know I could never do this.

Beside, as the Maxmell/Esptein scandal showed, the people recruited for their sexual games didn’t disappear in nature afterwards. Some of them sued them.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, thoughts, women

The Dylan McKay

Luke Perry, who just passed away (R.I.P) was known for his character in Beverly Hills 90210: Dylan McKay. When I was young, every of my female friend wished secretly to have a boyfriend like him. Because women don’t like when it’s too easy… But in my high school, none of the guys were close to Dylan McKay. No one rode a Porsche,  read poetry, and was rich that much in my High School. And guys who were tormented were just weirdo. Girls didn’t circle them. In other words, there were a lot of Brandon, aka the nice guy, in male groups during my high school. But no Dylan McKay.

My high school sweetheart was a bit tormented though, especially during the last year of our class. He was drunk most of the time when we used to go out with our group, during concerts, parties, exhibitions, … Once, he even ended in jail for destructing a booth in a fair, under the influence of alcohol. So in a sense, he was a bit a Dylan McKay. In other words, he was a bad boy.

Women are driven to bad boys. Recently, one of my coworkers told me she felt attracted to a TV anchor  who used to be a thief and ended in jail. “There’s something about him” she told me. 

But the Dylan McKay is just a fling. No one expected to end up in a long term relationship with a bad boy. Jonathan Franzen, in his book “Freedom”, theorizes this. Patty, his main character, end up with Walter, the nice guy, and not Richard, the bad boy, who just wants to remain alone.

It reminds me about the book “antifragile” written by the mathematician Nassim Taleb. He says women should marry the accountant or the economist, the boring guy,  who can provide, and have a good time with the rock star, aka the bad boy, once in a while. So, the Dylan McKay isn’t a good option. Unless you enjoy to be in a relationship that is like a roller coaster.

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life, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Different needs?

Getting your ex back

Recently, a scandal broke in France about some male journalists who created a Facebook group to mock bloggers, artists, journalists,… Especially female ones. Immediately, some articles about how some male journalists created a group on Slack called the Darrons or #radioBièreFoot. Those groups were just awful with female, especially young ones, journalists.

But it just says collaboration between male and female coworkers is still difficult nowadays. Before World War II, women were not a force in companies. They were most of the time housewives, who depended on their husband. My grandmothers were housewives. They raised my uncles, aunts, mother and father while taking care of the house. But no one of my aunts or mother is a housewife. They were or are still working for a hospital, a bank, a school. No one complained how difficult it was to work, but my mother, for example, was working with other women in her team. Even her boss was female. The same goes for my aunts.

It’s not my case. Even if during my college years, there were more women than men studying with me, in my professional career, I’m still a minority. As my profession is mostly a male one.

When I started to work, there was a scandal in my company about a guy who used to go to Thailand and Morocco and proposed BDSM, golden shower, and other joys, to women while promising them to marry them. Of course, he never married, but he collected pictures of his trophies, and shared it with his coworkers. It ended because one of the brothers of one of his victims recognized him and sued him. My coworker was fired because of that. But his male coworkers were not shocked by his attitude. They just found it funny.  Female employees in my company were just “stupid”, “desperate”, … Not very respected. Fortunately, some of those who were disrespectful either left or were let go and were replaced either by women or men who are respectful to everybody. There were just left two guys who flirted openly with the young female coworkers. During our office parties, one of them screamed he wanted to fuck X or Y, much to our dismay, and to the stupefaction of X or Y. Luckily, after many complaints to our HR, he was let go. The other one left us because he wanted to pursue other goals.

There are still tensions between opposite sex. Because we pursue different goals.  Women in general want equality, while men want to conquer. It ‘s difficult because of this.

 

 

 

 

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life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Love at work

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Recently, one of my friends told me she was shocked her boss has left his wife to start a relationship with one of his assistants. “It gives our company a bad publicity” she says. Unfortunately for her, work relationships are very common. A recent survey by Careerbuilder said that 36% of people admit they already had a relationship with one coworker, and 22% with their boss That doesn’t mean these are well accepted. In some companies, it is forbidden to have a relationship with your boss or your coworker. People can get fired for that. But it’s not the case everywhere. It depends on the policy of the company.

In my company, there are no rules. My boss is in a relationship with our head of marketing . They publicly revealed their relationship last year, during our office party, where they were kissing each other and holding hands, to much of our dismay. It just shocked some of my female coworkers, who remembered that the previous year, our boss was accompanied by his then-wife. Some of my coworkers are also together. At our last office party,  our photography director appeared inseparable from a tall blonde who works as a secretary for our boss.

In some companies, people are asked to sign a love contract when they are hired, in which they commit to reveal their possible future union(s). This kind of transparency can be damageable because depending of the policy of the company, you can be fired or asked to work for another department. No one wants to see intimacy at work. And also, it can spark jealousy if you are in a relationship with your boss, because people will suspect you have an advantage over your coworkers.

But I can’t understand why is it forbidden to have a relationship with your boss or your coworker, because with the evolution of the society, women are more and more gaining their independence, as they work, and are not a housewife most of the time. As a friend says, you spend most of your time at work, where temptations are high.

But there’s also a reason why it is forbidden to have a relationship at work: harassment. Company that forbids work relationship try to avoid situation where those who have power over a team abuse their power. Luckily for me, in my company, my boss and superiors never use their power to destroy my career because I refuse their advances. They never made any unwanted proposals to me.  Some companies want to avoid this because it’s easier to prevent that to have a problem with harassment, as there’s a law in my country against it.

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