broken heart, celibacy, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Left for someone else

To be left for someone else is probably the worst experience in life. You feel rejected, diminished, and you wonder what you don’t have and what ‘s wrong with you. It’s a betrayal.

I’ve been twice left for somebody else. The last case is very recent, but although I don’t love the guy, it hurts. The first time it happened, when I learned he was with somebody else, I fainted. We were together for seven months, when he became suddenly distant, and asked me if we could do a break. He was already seeing her during our break.  And he didn’t tell me he met someone else. One of my friends told me he had someone else. It was a shock for me. I asked him to leave me alone, and to stop contacting me. Months passed, until one day, he asked me if we could have a coffee. He was still with the other woman at the time. But he told me he needed me, and after many many excuses from him, we got back together, despite him being still a relationship. Years passed, and we managed to stay together. His relationship got sour, but we didn’t officially got back together.

I don’t say we should go back with the person who left us for somebody else. Because it depends on both people. People who leave their significant other for somebody else don’t necessarily regret their decision and feel guilty about this. Some people realise their new significant other is better than their old partner. Don’t waste your time trying to win back your ex if it’s the case. You will end up hurt again.

But what if your ex comes back and begs you to forgive him/ her ? In this case, follow your heart.

In this case, it really depends on the quality of your relationship before your significant other left you for someone else. In my case, I love him to death. He’s my best friend. We respect each other, and we care a lof for each other.

If your relationship was shaky before he left you for someone else,  maybe it’s not a good idea to get back with him. If he didn’t text you at all, didn’t show any interest for you, acted cold and distant with you all of the time, going back with him will mean you would probably go back to the same kind of relationship.  He will probably tries to go back with you because his relationship is over, because he’s bored, because he just wants to have sex,… It doesn’t mean anything to him.

And it takes time to forget the one who left you for somebody else. The betrayal is painful.

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Why doesn’t he contact you?

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The most obvious answer to this question is because he doesn’t want to see you anymore. And he’s too coward to tell you that face to face, or even send you a text.

It’s a horrible situation for the receiver of this. Because at first, you tell yourself he will probably call you or text you sooner or later. But days go by, and you don’t have any news from him. No invitation to see each other. Nothing. You didn’t see it coming when you were together. He used to call you to set dates, to invite you to his place or to the restaurant. You wonder if you have missed some signs. But it’s not easy to tell you will end up getting no news from him. Yet, the feeling won’t let you sleep.

Sometimes, after weeks, or months, you will get some news from the vanisher. He’s probably bored, or just got out of a relationship, and thinks about you at that moment. It means nothing for him. And yes, you’re a fool if you reply to his message (unless you tell him to go fuck himself). The silent treatment also tells him to go fuck himself.

Some of my ex’s were vanisher like that. But the funny part of this story is that I still see two of them from time to time, just to catch up. We don’t see each other very much. I only see one of them twice a year. We just chat, and laugh, like old friends. He never contacts me. From the first time we met, I was always the one who initiated the contact. But he always replied. It’s just that he doesn’t contact me. It drove me mad, and after two weeks of no contact from him, I sent him a text saying we were over. He got mad when he received this, and told me if I wanted to break up with him, I had to tell him face to face. So we met a cafe near my place, when I told him it was over. And I didn’t hear from him, until the day of my birthday, when he sent me a message to wish me a happy birthday. He wished me a happy new year. I ended up going with him to a restaurant, and we had a long chat. That night, I understood I couldn’t expect anything from him. It was easy because time eased the pain, and I dated other men after him. He also dated other women. We’re just happy to see each other, as friends.

When someone doesn’t bother to call you anymore, don’t insist. Yes, that person doesn’t want to see you anymore, otherwise he would have called you. Don’t call him, don’t go to his place. Spend time with your friends, your family, do the things you love, and date other people. You might find someone who really wants to be with you.

 

 

 

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He’s not handsome but he’s a catch

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Recently, I met a man I don’t find very attractive. But he’s really nice with me. My friends told me to give him a chance, because the most important thing in a relationship is the way your partner treat you. “If he’s nice with you and if you spend great moments with him, don’t turn away” says my friend.

One of my friends always says handsome men are big trouble. “The non handsome men can look at you as if you are the most beautiful woman in the world and will consider they’re lucky to have you in their life“, she says. A handsome man can have a cold and painful beauty, and prefer to masturbate on pictures of women with big boobs instead of touching you. Or he can date other women while in a relationship with you.

Some men you find unattractive can  be horrible to you as well. It’s not because he’s unattractive that he will be nice to you and happy to be with you. But beauty doesn’t mean someone will treat you better anyway.

My friends always say a man should feel lucky to be with me. One of my friends always repeats this when I told him about my failed relationships.

Some people will bet on their beauty to find a relationship. These people are shallow and boring and should only match with people just like them. Beauty fades. A great personality will pass the test of time.

In “Sex and the city”, Charlotte falls in love with her divorce lawyer even if she doesn’t find him attractive. He just wins her heart by feeling lucky to be with her.

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Can we be friend with our ex?

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Recently, I met someone who told me he was friends with two women he dated thanks to Tinder. One of them is currently in a relationship with another man. But she still calls him and invites him for a drink to catch up. The other one invites him for her parties, and he reciprocates.

But is this friendship genuine? A true friendship between people involves contacts, presence, and moral (sometimes material) support. Friends are there in difficult times as well as in good times.

Some people keep their ex as ” friend” just in case to have an option when they are single. When they are in a relationship, they forget about their friend. This friendship is shallow and not sustainable in the long term.

It’s also cruel to ask your ex to be friends when you just break up the relationship. Friendship is difficult if you still resent the end of your relationship and want to scratch the face of the one who just broke your heart.

It’s also difficult to remain in a platonic friendship with someone you were attracted to and who saw you naked several times.

Many of my genuine friends told me it’s never a good idea to remain friend with an ex. Most of my friends are not friend with their ex. One of them tried to remain friend with her ex, but her ex has disappeared from the picture when she got married.

My true friendship with my male friends has developed over time, and none of them are my ex. We don’t share a sentimental past. These guys crossed my path in difficult times and we are there for each other.

Time tears apart the shallow friendships.

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The man who doesn’t want to touch you

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Some men don’t like to be hugged or to hug you. They don’t like to kiss you passionately. Sex is a bit disgusting to them. Don’t count on them to give you pleasure by stroking gently your clitoris or licking parts of your body.

These men are often depressed. They don’t find any energy anymore and their libido is very low because of that. “One of my ex’s didn’t want to touch me when we started to date. I didn’t understand him because he was so charming during our first dates, but he didn’t want to have sex with me. At first, I found it very comfortable because I wanted to know him better and to be sure he was into me before any sexual encounter with him. But after four months, I thought we waited too long. When I tried to have sex with him, he turned cold. He told me to wait more. But three months later, nothing changed. And my patience ran out” one of my friends told me. “Later, he told me he was depressed. I should have noticed, since we didn’t leave his apartment that much, and I was cooking for him all of the time” she said.

Some men are just not attracted physically to you. They date you because it’s reassuring to them, as they may not accept their homosexuality. “My ex was ashamed of his homosexuality. He didn’t want to accept that and dated many women but he didn’t touch them, as I experienced. He would hug me, kiss me on the cheek most of the time, but he couldn’t have sex with me. Eventually, he came out” one of my friends told me.

Some men do have sex with you, and turn suddenly cold. Sometimes, it’s a way for them to punish you. “I had an ex who would withhold sex whenever he was mad against me. He could wait for months before having sex with me” one of my friends said. Sometimes, the reason is just because of an illness. Sometimes the reason is infidelity. Sometimes the reason is because you don’t seem to enjoy sex.

It’s hurtful because you can feel not attractive. In any case, it’s best to have a conversation cool and calm about this before ending the relationship.

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Ask your grandmother

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Nassim Taleb, a mathematician, wrote in his book “Skin in the game: hidden asymmetries in daily life” that we should ask our grandmother for advices in life rather than listening to psychologists.

If you hear advice from a grandmother or elders, odds are that it works 90 percent of the time. On the other hand, in part because of scientism, and academic prostitution, in part because the world is hard, if you read anything by psychologists and behavorial scientists, odds are it works less than 10 percent unless it is also been covered by the grandmother and the classics, in which case why would you need a psychologist?

Your grandmother and older people have a better experience of life than you. That experience is valuable.

Even for love advices, it’s better to listen to your grandmother or older people than psychologists. One of my coworkers, who’s 65, always tells me not to be too difficult in choosing a partner. “Because nobody is perfect” he says. He also tells me that love takes time and that you can’t get someone to treat you right immediately. “You only measure the true value of someone if he/ she’s still by your side after many years” he says.

It takes years to really know someone. So the person you have just met on Tinder doesn’t offer you any guarantee you’re in good company. Of course, if the person is verbally or physically agressive with you, you should run away immediately. Like one of my older friends says, people don’t change much over time. She told me that once when I complained to her about an ex of mine, who never contacted me. “He will never contact you. He will never change” she said. And she was right.

I read recently an article written by a psychologist who said we deserve someone who is sure about us, and not someone who sees you as good enough, until they find someone better. But how can you be sure about someone you’ve just met?

My older friend is also less critical when I tell her about my relationship problems. She doesn’t tell me I should leave.

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The Tinder ghosts

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Some men are on Tinder just for the thrill of like, as if they search an instant gratification like they would do on Facebook or Instagram when they post a picture, a Selfie or a link to an article. These men don’t necessarily look for a meeting or any kind of relationships. Sometimes, they are already in the comfort of a relationship or are married. They are not unfaithful. They just need that instant gratification.

If you match with these ghosts, they won’t start the conversation. Some will try to have a conversation and even schedule an appointment with you, usually in the middle of the week, and never on the weekend as they have a family and activities planned. If you say yes, they disappear immediately. And if you ask when do you meet, they will find a lame excuse.

I had a match like that, who only asked me for a date without asking me personal questions. He was determined as he sent me several messages during three weeks. I didn’t reply, until he started to ask personal questions. And I agreed to meet him for a drink. But then, he stopped to send me messages. And he gave me a lame excuse for not coming to our date. He told me he had to travel for his work and didn’t remind about that before. But he didn’t reschedule a date with me.

Usually, you can spot them and know if they just look for instant gratification when they go M.I.A. after they set a date with you. A men who is genuinely interested in meeting with you would still keep a conversation with you after the agreement of date.

These men want to know they have their options open.

But it can be hurtful if you find your man on Tinder while you’re are in a relationship. One of my friends told me a single friend of her noticed her partner on Tinder. When she confronted her man, he told him he had never met any of his matches. But my friend told me it’s hurtful for her because she doesn’t have any trust for her partner after that. “He lied to me because he didn’t told me he was still on Tinder, so why would he tell me the truth about his matches?” she said.

It’s difficult in this case to trust your significant other.

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